Three Reasons Why You Need Hire a Forensic Accountant...

We all know divorce is expensive. Most divorce lawyers ask for retainers

between 3,000 and 5,000 dollars. So it can come as a shock when your lawyer recommends you hire a forensic accountant.

These professionals charge anywhere from $5,000 and up. It is a huge divorce expense and you may be wondering if you really need to hire one.

Although a forensic accountant may be expensive, if there are substantial assets to be divided, it can be money well spent. I know of a woman whose husband offered her a large settlement after discovering his business would be evaluated by a forensic accountant. Apparently he had been less than truthful on his tax returns and was fearful the accountant would find out and report the findings to the court.

Here are three reasons why you may need a forensic accountant:

1. You own a business. The forensic accountant can provide a valuation of what he thinks the business is worth. It is crucial that you know the true value of your business when negotiating your divorce settlement.

2. Your ex owns a business and you do not have access to the business records. Ex-spouses' have been known to manipulate business records in their favor, especially if it is a cash business. If you have not been part of the daily operations of the business and do not have the financial records, you will need a forensic accountant.

3. You have reason to believe your ex is hiding assets. If you have any reason to believe that your ex is being dishonest and may be hiding bank accounts, selling assets or resorting to sneaky behavior when it comes to the family finances, you may need both a forensic accountant and a private investigator.

READING MATERIAL

Generally I like to read a book before I recommend it to anyone, but I can’t resist pointing you in the direction of “If You Want Closure In Your Relationship, Start With Your Legs: A Guide To Understanding Men,” by Big Boom. Apparently it has just won first prize in a poll for the oddest book title of the year, leaving “I Was Tortured By The Pygmy Love Queen,” by Jasper Mc Cutcheon in second place. Click here for more details.

I have checked them both out at Amazon but curiously as yet nobody has rated, reviewed or even admitted to reading them.

Deadbeat Dads Pay Child Support When Hunting Licenses Are Revoked..

Several states have implemented a new policy of denying fishing and hunting licenses to deadbeat parents who are behind on child support.

The plan has been a great success, with the state of Illinois collecting $130,000 in back child support.

One man in Maine reportedly paid $30,000 in child support arrears just so he could keep his hunting license!

What is wrong with these fathers? They have no problem abandoning their children financially, but cannot live without hunting and fishing? When I first heard about the plan to deny fishing and hunting licenses I assumed that if a person refused to pay child support, they were not going to care about not being able to fish or hunt. Obviously I was wrong.

How sad is it when a parent cares more about his own pleasures than the needs of his children. Wake up deadbeat parents. It is time to step up to the plate and take care of your children. You should be ashamed. There is no justification for avoiding child support. I don't care if you hate your ex or think the judge made an unfair ruling. If you are unemployed, go get a job. Put your children first. They are counting on you.

LIKE MINDS

There are various factors which contribute to a successful marriage and without which a relationship can break down. In my own case, those factors include sharing the same ideals and principles as Outdoor Man. Indeed two things on which we both agree is that we do not go on holiday to save money or to diet.

So it is that we have returned from Switzerland today with empty wallets and wondering how long we can go eating only lettuce leaves.

Crazy Divorce News...

Recently there has been a surge in crazy divorce news. Here are some highlights:

-A Conn. firefighter jumped off a moving abulance when he spotted his soon to be ex-wife walking in town with her divorce lawyer. He then preceded to tackle the lawyer to the ground, knocking off his glasses in front of a crowd

of people.

- An Australian man is selling his life on ebay after his divorce. He says he wants to get rid of all his belongings and start over so he has no memories of his wife.

-Bon Jovi member Richie Sambora was arrested for DUI in California. No shock there, considering he has been to rehab twice in the last year. But what is shocking is that he had his 10 year old daughter and another child in the car while driving drunk. Now that is crazy.

Finally, Former NJ Governor Jim McGreevy's crazy divorce goes on and on with his former wife suing him for damages, saying she had no idea he was gay when she married him. He has retaliated by bringing in a former aide who claims to have had sexual tryst with McGreevey and his wife while they were married. Can this divorce get any dirtier or disgusting? Especially considering they have a young daughter who will someday read about this. How sad.

Are Divorced Women Angry, Desperate and Miserable?...

Of course not! But sadly there are some stereotypes out there about female divorcees. We are often cast as angry, bitter women desperate for sex. The term "Cougars" is now being thrown around to describe older women supposedly hunting down young men half their age.

Funny how I have not heard any derogatory terms used to coin divorced men. When a man gets divorced and starts dating a girl young enough to be his daughter, no one seems to notice.

I recently received an email about my book Seven Secrets to a Successful Divorce from a woman. Here is what she wrote: "Is there really a secret to a successful divorce? All the single women that I know are miserably single from what they tell me and almost 100% cannot find another man because they become too picky about the type of man that they are looking for."

I coach woman who are going through a divorce and most of the women I speak to are not "miserably single". In fact, many are relieved to be free from a unhappy marriage and excited about what the future holds. Although there may be some women who cannot get past their divorces and choose not to move on, they are the minority.

I think this kind of thinking is a great disservice to women . Most divorced women are raising kids, holding down full time jobs and trying to squeeze in a social life. Believe me, they have no time to be hanging out every weekend in nightclubs picking up young men in their 20's.

I think the stereotypes and myths about divorced women may stem from some people's inability to accept that women today can survive without a man. No longer are we destined to marry and stay in a miserable marriage, giving up our self worth. We can stand on our own, be successful and choose whether or not we want a man in our lives.

Rebound Marriages After a Divorce...

Sara Evans, country singer and former Dancing with the Stars contestant, revealed that she is engaged, just six short months after a nasty divorce battle. Even more shocking is the news that French President Nicolas Sarkozy , remarried model Carla Bruni, shortly after he divorced his wife of 11 years. His ex-wife also remarried in NYC over the weekend, only four months after their divorce was finalized.

What is going on with the trend of marrying again on the rebound shortly after a divorce? I have been divorced for almost 3 years and still cannot even imagine getting married again yet. I just don't get it.

After a divorce you need time to recover emotionally. Jumping into a new relationship too soon can be disastrous. What usually happens is that a person will find that the problems he or she had with their first partner are also in the new relationship. Until you have taken the time to reflect and analyze your marriage, the good, the bad and the ugly and take some responsibility for the divorce, you will just bring the same issues and problems from one relationship to another, never resolving them.

The time period after a divorce can be a great time to spend on yourself, learning to enjoy your own company ans rediscovering what makes you happy. After a divorce you need time to be single again before finding a new love. If you are contemplating a new romance shortly after a divorce, slow down and take some time out before committing too soon.

Are You a Struggling Single Mom?...

With the gas prices on the rise and the current economic conditions today, many single moms are struggling to make ends meet. Now, even working full time at a good job may not be enough to make ends meet.

The mothers who do not receive child support on a regular basis are in even more trouble. Cutting back on expenses and trying to stretch your money is a good idea, but it seems like expenses always creep up at the worst time. The car breaks down, your pet needs to go to the vet or some other unforeseen expense arises that can put you over the edge financially.

So what can single moms do to get through the tough times and bring in some much needed cash? Here are three ways to make some money quickly.

1. Ebay. Go through your kid's outgrown clothes, video games and toys and put them for sale on Ebay.com. All you need is a digital camera to get started. Ebay is very self-explanatory and it is simple to list items for sale. If you don't own a digital camera, borrow one from a friend. You will be surprised at how much you can fetch for items that you no longer use.

2. Turn your old jewelry into cash. With gold prices up, now is a good time to gather up any jewelry you no longer wear. Get out those gold chains, earrings and bracelets and take them to a local jeweler that buys gold. You may get several hundred dollars for what was collecting dust in your jewelry drawer, depending on how much you have.

3. Consider starting a part time business. Think of some creative ideas you could implement to bring in a little extra money each month. Make a list of your current skills. For example, if you are good at bookkeeping you could put an ad on Craiglist.com offering your services to local businesses. Think of what you are good at already and come up with ways to market that skill.

Although times are tough, keep your spirits high and know that things will get better. You may be in debt, facing mounds of unpaid bills or even facing foreclosure like many Americans right now, but you still have your family and your own inner strength to pull you through. Most successful people in the world have hit hard times but what made them different from most is that they did not give up or give in to self-doubt and despair. Forge ahead and know that your life will turn around.

Easter Blessing and the New Dr. Freud

"You have to write this in your blog" My friend yelled to me from across the room. "You don't even read my blog." I volleyed back to her. "Yeah, but it could help someone, you were right..tell them my story."

So here is my friend's story at her request:

As every couple's relationship has their hill and valleys so does my friend's marriage. During a "valley" period, my girl pal was sure that a marriage counselor would be quite beneficial and convinced her unwilling husband to finally go along. The first counselor was a female who apparently did not understand the male psyche enough for her husband, and it was immediately decided after only one session to terminate their relationship with said counselor.

Prior to getting involved with any experts, I had warned my friend about those "professionals" out there who sometimes did more harm than good, and that perhaps instead of getting a referral out of a book especially a book only listing who is covered under one's insurance plan, that perhaps a personal referral from a friend or other professional would be more preferable and less risky. Putting expediency ahead of proper preparation, my friend opted to go with a local therapist.

Thinking she had make a mistake upon entering the office is apparently an understatement. As she described the scene to me it appeared she and her husband walked into either a drug rehabilitation center or found themselves smack in the middle of an AA meeting. Quickly looking at the door of the office, it became apparent that this particular therapist shared office space with some other counselors doing a variety of different therapies, marriage counselling was only one area of expertise emanating from the office. After waiting almost 40 minutes for the right to purge their wows..Dr. Freud himself appeared ready to put this marriage back on track. (I will use the term Dr. Freud to identify the Dr. My reasoning will become apparent as you read on.).

Mimicking some accent I couldn't quite grasp she continued her story explaining that the "DR." (whose credentials cannot be verified at this time) advised her husband that he was a male chauvinist(a term not regularly bandied about since the 70's)and that he couldn't help it because he was brought up to be that way.(His mother's fault). My friend was told that once a week...the night specified by this doctor as the evening when all the stars would be in proper alignment for love and the moon would be in Aquarius;the following regimen had to be followed to a tee.
It was my friend's job to make sure the children were all settled and her husband's job to take an afternoon nap. Then at the magically appointed hour dictated by this Dr to be 10 pm, she was to wrap herself in the most provocative attire she could put together and join her husband in the bedroom to enjoy an evening of uninterrupted sex. Thus, he concluded this once a week regime would put their marriage right back on track.

Her husband walked out of the session quite satisfied that he was not responsible for any of the communications problems my friend regularly accused him of because he couldn't help it, and had been absolved of all fault by Dr. Freud. In his mind as long as he had sex with his wife once a week, he was fulfilling his job as a good husband and all would be right with the world.

My friend walked out shaking her head that it would be a cold day in hell before that little scenario unfolded and thus began the new "cold war" within the household! Well folks, tonight is the appointed night, I reminded my friend when I spoke with her this morning. I will do my best to keep you posted, but I tend to think the husband will be watching TV at 10pm tonight, ALONE.

Easter Blessing and the New Dr. Freud

"You have to write this in your blog" My friend yelled to me from across the room. "You don't even read my blog." I volleyed back to her. "Yeah, but it could help someone, you were right..tell them my story."

So here is my friend's story at her request:

As every couple's relationship has their hill and valleys so does my friend's marriage. During a "valley" period, my girl pal was sure that a marriage counselor would be quite beneficial and convinced her unwilling husband to finally go along. The first counselor was a female who apparently did not understand the male psyche enough for her husband, and it was immediately decided after only one session to terminate their relationship with said counselor.

Prior to getting involved with any experts, I had warned my friend about those "professionals" out there who sometimes did more harm than good, and that perhaps instead of getting a referral out of a book especially a book only listing who is covered under one's insurance plan, that perhaps a personal referral from a friend or other professional would be more preferable and less risky. Putting expediency ahead of proper preparation, my friend opted to go with a local therapist.

Thinking she had make a mistake upon entering the office is apparently an understatement. As she described the scene to me it appeared she and her husband walked into either a drug rehabilitation center or found themselves smack in the middle of an AA meeting. Quickly looking at the door of the office, it became apparent that this particular therapist shared office space with some other counselors doing a variety of different therapies, marriage counselling was only one area of expertise emanating from the office. After waiting almost 40 minutes for the right to purge their wows..Dr. Freud himself appeared ready to put this marriage back on track. (I will use the term Dr. Freud to identify the Dr. My reasoning will become apparent as you read on.).

Mimicking some accent I couldn't quite grasp she continued her story explaining that the "DR." (whose credentials cannot be verified at this time) advised her husband that he was a male chauvinist(a term not regularly bandied about since the 70's)and that he couldn't help it because he was brought up to be that way.(His mother's fault). My friend was told that once a week...the night specified by this doctor as the evening when all the stars would be in proper alignment for love and the moon would be in Aquarius;the following regimen had to be followed to a tee.
It was my friend's job to make sure the children were all settled and her husband's job to take an afternoon nap. Then at the magically appointed hour dictated by this Dr to be 10 pm, she was to wrap herself in the most provocative attire she could put together and join her husband in the bedroom to enjoy an evening of uninterrupted sex. Thus, he concluded this once a week regime would put their marriage right back on track.

Her husband walked out of the session quite satisfied that he was not responsible for any of the communications problems my friend regularly accused him of because he couldn't help it, and had been absolved of all fault by Dr. Freud. In his mind as long as he had sex with his wife once a week, he was fulfilling his job as a good husband and all would be right with the world.

My friend walked out shaking her head that it would be a cold day in hell before that little scenario unfolded and thus began the new "cold war" within the household! Well folks, tonight is the appointed night, I reminded my friend when I spoke with her this morning. I will do my best to keep you posted, but I tend to think the husband will be watching TV at 10pm tonight, ALONE.

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST

The touring production of Beauty and the Beast is being performed in Darlington this week, so Little Girl and I treated ourselves to a night at the theatre yesterday evening to see it. The title alone could of course, be misconstrued as a nasty divorce case. As everyone will know, the storyline concentrates on not judging by appearances and there being good things inside ugly packages. Mind I couldn’t help wondering if it really did all end happily. Arrogant, selfish Prince, becomes angry selfish Beast, becomes good-looking inevitably still selfish Prince.

“And they both lived happily ever after” is maybe the biggest fairy story of all!

Sex with Ex? Are you kidding me?

Personally, I cannot even fathom having sex with the ex, the thought makes me queasy. But apparently there are divorcing couples out there who continue to have sex with each other after a divorce. I find this quite surprising.

Why get a divorce if you still want to sleep together? Maybe couples who have had an amicable divorce still find each other attractive and use each other physically until they find a new relationship? But it seems more likely that couples who are intimate after divorce are unable to sever the ties between them. It makes it twice as hard to move on if you are still having sexual relations with your ex.

There are so many things to worry about when you are trying to rebuild your life after a divorce. You have to be willing to let the physical side of your relationship go so that you can free your mind and body up for the next chapter in your life. You can still continue to have a platonic relationship with your ex and it is great if you can still be friends. But that is where it should end.

Although it may be comforting and safe to continue relations with your ex, you are preventing yourself from meeting someone new. By holding on to the past, you put your dreams for your new life after divorce on hold too. It is time to let go and move on.

THE ENDOWMENT OF WORLDLY GOODS

Clients invariably bemoan the fact that upon divorce the spoils of their years of labour must be divided equally with their spouse.

Marriage of course is a relationship where assets and possessions are shared. I was reminded of this tonight when I was unable to access my computer because Apprentice Man had coursework to complete before tomorrow’s deadline. Then I discovered that I couldn’t make a telephone call because Little Girl decided to chat to a friend for half an hour. Further, just when I thought I’d console myself with one of those chocolates friends gave me for my birthday, I discovered Outdoor Man had been helping himself! His justification? “Didn’t you promise that with all your worldly goods I thee endow?”

At least on divorce he’d only get half, not the whole box!

Crazy in The Courtroom: Are you out of control?

Yesterday, Heather Mills, former wife of Paul McCartney, was awarded 48.6 million in her divorce settlement. Not bad for 4 years of marriage. But legal analysts are saying that Ms. Mills could of received even more money considering Paul McCartney's enormous wealth and the lack of a prenuptial agreement.

So what turned the court in Sir Paul's favor? In the judge's ruling he said this of Heather Mills "I am driven to the conclusion that much of her evidence, both written and oral, was not just inconsistent and inaccurate but also less than candid."

Obviously, the judge does not think highly of Heather Mills. He did not view her as credible and it hurt her in the courtroom. There are reports today that she even throw a glass of water at her ex-husband's attorney. Although I would have loved to have done the same to my ex-husband's nasty lawyer during our divorce, thankfully, I was able to control myself.

What you can learn from this story is that any out of control behavior in the courtroom will impact your divorce case. If you are currently involved a divorce battle right now, it is crucial that you find a way to control yourself in the courtroom. You may be seething with rage at your ex, you must exhibit self-control.

It will not be easy, but you can do it. Here are a few quick reminders to help you stay in the good graces of the judge during court hearings:

1. Do not stare or look at your soon to be ex in court. Do give him dirty looks or make faces either.
2. Do not speak in court unless asked to by the Judge. Write notes to your lawyer if you need to communicate while court is in session.
3. Dress appropriately and remember to also watch your behavior while waiting for court to begin. Do not speak to your ex outside of the courtroom.

Find out how to protect yourself and your children during divorce....

NO WINNERS, JUST LOSERS

So the speculation and guess work are over as the Mills v McCartney financial proceedings completed today. Or should I say almost over, because it sounds as though they are back in court tomorrow arguing over Ms Mills' appeal against allowing the judgment to be made public.

What we did learn today is that Sir Paul is only worth half of what we had been led to believe and that Ms Mills only got a fifth of the sum she was looking for. All in all a typical divorce outcome played out before the world’s media who wanted to be able to proclaim one or the other a clear winner, but, as we all know, in proceedings like these there are invariably only losers. On the steps of the High Court Heather Mills appeared to claim the title of victor as she declared herself very, very happy, encouraged all would be divorcees to litigate in person and blamed Sir Paul for not being prepared to settle and so avoid the indignity of a court hearing. He on the other hand offered the press no comment and somewhere amidst the proceedings it’s rumoured that his lawyer received a soaking – I wonder if the court roof was leaking?

Maybe I’m completely off the wall but if I’d failed to secure £100 million of the £125 million I was looking for, I’m not sure that I’d be so quick to proclaim a victory. That said it could have been a reflection of how everyone feels once the weight of such proceedings are lifted and, despite her comment that their daughter will now have to travel B class because of the paltry maintenance award in her favour (£35,000 per annum), by my arithmetic Ms Mills will have the best part of £25 million and Sir Paul McCartney of £385 million.

An Important Tax Form You Must Include in Your Divorce Decree....

With the deadline to file taxes only weeks away, many divorced men and women may find themselves in a tricky position when it comes time to file their returns. In the final divorce decree, the settlement outlines which parent can claim which child. Usually, if there are two children for example, each parent gets to claim one. But some divorce parents ignore this court order and file before their ex spouse and claim both children on their tax return.

This is a clear violation of the divorce decree but since divorce decrees are usually only binding on the parties that agree to it, the IRS does not have to honor your divorce order. Meaning your ex can get away with claiming your kids. If the child lived with you for more than half a year you can go ahead and claim the child anyway, but the IRS may challenge you and you will have to prove the child resided with you.

There is an IRS form that can solve this problem. The best way to protect your rights is to tell your divorce lawyer you want your soon to be ex to sign a IRS Form 8332, waiving the right to claim the child. One must be filled out for each child. You can then in return sign one for your ex waiving any rights to claim the child he has been assigned to claim.

It amazes me that most divorce lawyers do not tell their clients about this form. It will prevent aggravation and a possible trip back to family court to enforce a violation of the divorce order later on. If you are in the middle of a divorce right now make sure to inform your attorney you want this form included in your final divorce decree.

Find out how to protect yourself and your children during divorce...

A BIG OCCASION

I confess that this time last week it was my birthday. Not just any old birthday, but one of those with a great big “0” at the end! Outdoor Man suggested that it might be a good idea to celebrate the occasion by test driving a car, so I organised a party instead. After all, if he wasn’t intending to make a gift to me of a car, was there any point? I digress, for I was intending to write about the party which we organised at a wonderful remote location at an old inn on the top of the North Yorkshire Moors. It was an opportunity to interact with family and friends and whilst I hope that everyone else enjoyed themselves, the birthday girl certainly did.

Organising such events can be a nightmare especially if you have friends who have separated or divorced and you’ve remained in contact with both. Do you invite both, neither or only one? It can be even worse when it’s your wedding and your parents are divorced or the bride and groom are the divorcees and it is their adult children who are apprehensive. The excitement of the big day becomes tinged by concern and in some cases even fear on the part of all involved. It’s no wonder so many people disappear to an exclusive foreign destination to go through the whole process discreetly, witnessed only by a local official and two passing strangers. If, however, the expense of that foreign location or even a fear of flying puts you off, I can certainly recommend the North Yorkshire Moors for seclusion.

NORTH EAST DIGITAL AWARDS

After much cajoling I have been persuaded to permit this blog to be entered in the North East Digital Awards in the category entitled Best Use of Blogging. As someone who prefers self-deprecation to shouting her own praises, it’s not a step I agreed to without a great deal of arm-twisting but then I thought whatever is there to lose, pump up your self esteem girl and go for it. How often do we fail to seize the opportunity and then live to regret it?

Now the embarrassing bit – for any regular readers or even those passing by for the first time - if you think I’m worth it, please register your vote.

Infidelity Hotline

"Hello, Infidelity Hotline."
"yes, hi, I would like to report an infidelity."
"Sure, go ahead."
"Well, it was last night at the 70's club you know Port Jazz?"
"Yeah, a hotbed of infidelity we hear. Go on."
"Well, I saw my neighbor's husband with a woman who wasn't his wife."
"ok, What were they doing?"
"Dancing."
"So how do you know he was being unfaithful?"
"Well, they were kind of close."
"Go on. We really need more than that."
"Well, how does this work? Do you call his wife?"
"No. We just keep it on file here, and if the Wife calls us we look it up and tell her if anything has been reported on her spouse."
"Oh, ok, then well, they were kissing on the dance floor."
"That's good enough. I need his name."
" Do you need my name too?"
"No this is completely anonymous."
"Well what's to stop anyone from calling in with bogus information? Don't you check it out?"
"No we just figure where there's smoke there's usually a raging inferno. If the spouse calls here she or he probably has a reason."
"Really doesn't sound too fair to me."
"Yeah well life isn't fair buddy, get over it. Are you going to tell me his name or not? Unless of course you aren't sure about what you saw?
"No, I'm sure. Hey by the way, can you look up my name and tell me if anyone has reported me?"
"Sure."
"You know, never mind, I don't really want to know. And maybe my neighbor doesn't either. Look at Spitzer's wife."
"Ok your call have a nice day."

Infidelity Hotline

"Hello, Infidelity Hotline."
"yes, hi, I would like to report an infidelity."
"Sure, go ahead."
"Well, it was last night at the 70's club you know Port Jazz?"
"Yeah, a hotbed of infidelity we hear. Go on."
"Well, I saw my neighbor's husband with a woman who wasn't his wife."
"ok, What were they doing?"
"Dancing."
"So how do you know he was being unfaithful?"
"Well, they were kind of close."
"Go on. We really need more than that."
"Well, how does this work? Do you call his wife?"
"No. We just keep it on file here, and if the Wife calls us we look it up and tell her if anything has been reported on her spouse."
"Oh, ok, then well, they were kissing on the dance floor."
"That's good enough. I need his name."
" Do you need my name too?"
"No this is completely anonymous."
"Well what's to stop anyone from calling in with bogus information? Don't you check it out?"
"No we just figure where there's smoke there's usually a raging inferno. If the spouse calls here she or he probably has a reason."
"Really doesn't sound too fair to me."
"Yeah well life isn't fair buddy, get over it. Are you going to tell me his name or not? Unless of course you aren't sure about what you saw?
"No, I'm sure. Hey by the way, can you look up my name and tell me if anyone has reported me?"
"Sure."
"You know, never mind, I don't really want to know. And maybe my neighbor doesn't either. Look at Spitzer's wife."
"Ok your call have a nice day."

Why Women Stay With Men Who Cheat...

The big story in the news this week is how Governor Elliot Spitzer cheated on his wife by frequenting high price prostitutes. It appears, for now, that his wife is standing by her man.

I cringed while watching the T.V footage of the Governor's confession while his poor wife stood silently by his side. Can you imagine the torment this woman going through? She is most likely in a state of shock right now and who knows if she will eventually file for divorce.

Why do some women stay with men who have betrayed them? I think there a number of reasons. Low self esteem and guilt are high on the list. Women tend to blame themselves when things go wrong. We are notorious for trying to fix problems and feel responsible for the actions and behaviors of our family members. A mother often blames herself when her child does poorly in school, for instance.

A women who discovers her husband's affair might torture herself wondering what she did wrong in the marriage to cause her husband to stray. In the case of Governor Spitzer, his wife might be wondering what was so wrong with their sex life that her husband felt the need to have sex with a call girl. What women need to understand is that their husband's infidelity was a choice he made and was not cause by anything she did. You cannot drive a man to commit adultery.

A woman may also feel guilty. Maybe she did not spend enough time with her husband or gained weight and feels he no longer finds her attractive. She becomes determined to fix her marriage and sweep the affair under the rug.

But is it emotionally healthy to stay married to a cheater? I think it depends on how the cheating husband reacts to being caught. Is he genuinely remorseful?Was it a one time occurrence? Or does he blame his wife for the affair?If he is honestly wracked with guilt and truly sorry for his actions, there may be some hope to save the marriage. But usually an affair is preceded by other martial problems that caused cracks in the marriage. If the marriage was not solid before the affair, it may be very difficult to rebuild the trust that is essential to a healthy marriage.

Time with tell if Mrs. Spitzer can ever forgive her husband. After the public humiliation she has suffered, I hope she at least takes some time out to take care of herself. She needs to explore her feelings and decide whether or not she can ever trust her husband again.

Find out how to protect yourself and your children during a divorce....

OF RELEVANCE TO MERE MORTALS

In anticipation of the final judgment in the McCartney v Mills divorce on Monday 17 March, Resolution issued a press release today pointing out that although the sums of money involved in this case are far removed from the experience of most separating couples, it does raise a number of issues relevant to more ‘normal’ divorces.

Firstly, a high-conflict court battle is not the inevitable end to marriage breakdown, even when there is a lot of money on the table. The traditional approach to divorce involves two solicitors who rarely meet and who focus on representing one side of the split in and out of court. In contrast, mediation and collaborative law offer couples an alternative. With everyone sitting round the negotiating table at the same time, conflict can be reduced and couples are encouraged to reach agreements together, rather than having a decision ‘imposed’ on them by a judge. Collaborative lawyers work with each other during structured meetings with both the husband and wife to reach agreements that suit all the family – especially children. In this way, collaborative agreements are much more flexible than the court process, as couples are not obliged to follow the letter of the law and can instead agree to something different that works for them.

Secondly the need for pre-nups that stick. When courts decide how to divide up the marital pot, current legislation creates a great deal of uncertainty around who will get what. It’s this uncertainty that leads people to rely on expensive court battles and the interpretation of the law by individual judges. With second marriages on the increase, more and more people want the security of a pre-nuptial agreement to end this uncertainty. Resolution lawyers argue that the law is out of step with the demands of the modern family - a divorcee with children may be put off marrying a new partner preciously because the current law doesn’t protect money and property acquired before the relationship. Resolution is calling for legal changes to make pre-marital agreements binding, allowing people to take control of their own financial future rather than relying on the current lottery of divorce court hearings.

Thirdly that when assets acquired individually by a husband and/or wife are brought into a marriage this can be taken into account when finances are divided as a result of divorce, especially if the assets are considerable or if one party has made what the law terms an ‘exceptional contribution’ to the marriage. The usual position, however, is that a marriage is considered to be a partnership of equals, assets acquired during the marriage fall to be divided equally and unequal contributions are only relevant where it would produce an unfair result not to consider them differently.

Fourthly that the length of the marriage is of relevance. Sir Paul McCartney and Heather Mills were married for a relatively short time. The effect of the shortness of the marriage may be something mentioned in the judgment. Shortness of marriage can be important but only as one of the factors to be taken into account.

Finally, financial proceedings in family law cases are normally conducted in private. This encourages the parties involved to negotiate with each other, even when there is extensive media interest. Usually judgements are not made public. The judge in the McCartney v Mills case has indicated that he intends to make part of the settlement public due to the level of media interest in the case.

LET'S GROW A LITTLE

The New Scientist today referred to research from Spain and the Netherlands which suggests that height can influence how jealous you feel. The research reveals that men, and more so the shorter they are, feel most nervous about rich, strong, attractive rivals.

Yesterday I mentioned that envy was one of the deadly sins that often appears amongst the particulars included in a divorce petition. I remember years ago, Bernice, a distant cousin, telling me how she had left her husband because he failed to give her any space to associate with friends; often in fits of jealousy followed her, even to work; checked her mobile phone every night for evidence of text messages; unreasonably attempted to control the clothes that she wore, simply to make her look unattractive. Bernice, of course, was a very good looking lady but I had never met her husband. I later heard on the family grapevine that they did reconcile but many years passed before I ever saw her again, this time at a family funeral with her husband. Guess what, he made me feel tall!

I don’t know to what extent this research is of any assistance to the divorce lawyer or the client but, purely in the interest of scientific research, I might now ask any client, who tells me of similar traits to those described by Bernice, if their spouse is short in stature. On second thoughts maybe I should just ask if there is actually a third party involved; there was in Bernice’s case and I hazard a guess that he was a lot taller than her husband.

Divorce Rage...

I spoke to a man the other day who is going through a tough divorce. After 30 years of marriage, his wife has left him for another man. This man is so enraged that he has considered hiring a hit man to do his wife in and also said he rather commit suicide rather than pay his wife alimony.

So what puts someone over the deep end during a divorce? I often say that people going through a divorce are temporarily insane. Emotions take over and perfectly normal, law abiding citizens become capable of acts they would of never dreamt possible. Let's face it, it hurts like hell to find out your spouse has cheated on you or wants to leave you. Feelings of betrayal and abandonment can overwhelm us.

Just the other day a 52 year old Tennessee woman burst into a crowded church with a gun, fired it and chased her soon to be ex-husband. Obviously this woman was in a blind rage and all rational thinking went out the window. Her out of control behavior maybe an extreme example of how divorce rage can destroy lives, but everyday restraining orders are filed against spouses who cannot control their emotions during divorce.

So how can you cool down and gain control when anger and frustration rear their ugly head during your divorce?

The key is to let it out. Do not try and bottle up your emotions, you will only explode later on. Feel the rage and the hurt and deal with it when it comes up. Punch a pillow, scream or call a friend and vent. Do not act on your impulses. Force yourself to stop and think before taking action. Anything you do to interrupt yourself during a fit of anger is good. During my own divorce, my husband's mistress called my eldest daughter a slut on the phone. You can only imagine the anger and rage I was feeling at her when I found out. I stopped, took a deep breath and then poured myself a glass of wine. I knew that if I had a drink I would be unable to drive and would not confront her. It worked. I was able to calm down instead of react.

Maintaining control during your divorce is imperative, but not easy. Acting out in anger and frustration can only lead to trouble. Calm down, take a step back and stay in control. Eventually the angry feelings will lessen and you will be at peace once again.

THE FOURTEEN DEADLY SINS

The seven deadly sins are: pride, envy, gluttony, lust, anger, greed and sloth. These are all known to divorce lawyers as the basis for drafting divorce petitions on either adultery or unreasonable behaviour. The Vatican has, however, now added to the list with seven new mortal sins, namely: environmental pollution, genetic manipulation, accumulating excessive wealth, inflicting poverty, drug trafficking and consumption, morally debatable experiments and the violation of fundamental human rights. I can’t wait to draft my first “green” petition for say fly-tipping by a multi millionaire.

Who Gets The House? A Growing Problem For Divorcing Couples..

We are all aware of the real estate market conditions and how difficult it can be now to sell a home. There is also the issue of those adjustable rate mortgages and many families facing foreclosure because high mortgage payments they cannot afford.

So how does this affect you during a divorce? Dividing assets, primary the family home, has now become much more complicated. Here is one problem. Let's assume the husband and wife divide the martial assets so that the wife and kids get the family home. Both of their names are currently on the mortgage with the agreement that the husband's name will be removed from the mortgage a few months after the divorce is final.

When the wife attempts to get new financing on the home, she is rejected by lenders. She cannot qualify with her income and credit rating alone. Her husband remains on the mortgage and now he cannot purchase a new home. He also worries that his credit rating will be negatively impacted should his wife stop making the mortgage payments. A real life example is a divorced Virgina woman who is facing possible jail time for contempt of court because she has been unable to remove her ex-husband's name off the mortgage. She has been repeatedly rejected by mortgage lenders and has been unable to sell the home. Her ex-husband wants the court to force her to sell the home at a public auction.

This is a serious problem facing many divorced couples in the U.S today. Make sure to find out if you qualify for a new mortgage before accepting the family home in your divorce settlement. You may want to sell the home instead and rent.

LAPTOP BETWEEN THE SHEETS

A poll by the Sleep Council (click here for the BBC report) has revealed that checking texts, surfing the Internet and playing computer games in bed before we go to sleep is growing in popularity and that 1 in 4 of us now sleeps in a separate bed to our partner. Not because of computer games surely. Now I know that in California a woman recently succeeded in divorcing her husband because of his addiction to one computer game in particular (to see John Bolch’s Family Lore Blog on that issue click here), but that’s not happening here in the UK yet, is it?

The survey was presumably confined to adults, so my finding Little Girl snuggled up with her Nintendo DS under the duvet the other night clearly doesn’t count.

Now come on, all adults surely know that beds are meant for 3 things: sleep, snoring and another also beginning with S and if you don’t know what that is then you either shouldn’t be married or alternatively may qualify for an annulment on the grounds of non-consummation, but let’s not get too legal here.

To suggest that we are now lying awake until the early hours checking our Facebook profiles or playing with X boxes in the bedroom defies belief.

My experience as a divorce lawyer allows me to accept separate beds but not because of technology. As Outdoor Man remarked when we were discussing this article, “You can bring your laptop to bed and update your blog every night, if it will stop you snoring!”

COHABITATION LAW REFORM - DELAY MEANS FURTHER INJUSTICES

The Government’s announcement yesterday that it will delay acting on the Law Commission’s proposals for the introduction of legal protection for couples who live together, means continued distress and hardship when their relationships end.

Findings from the British Social Attitudes Survey published by the National Centre for Social Research in January 2008 back the case for urgent reform of the law.

“The government is seriously out of step with public opinion on this issue if it does not act now. The British Social Attitudes Survey revealed that nine out of ten people think that a cohabiting partner should have a right to financial provision if their relationship is a long-term one, includes children and has involved prioritising one partner’s career over the other’s,” said Jane Craig, a member of Resolution’s Cohabitation Committee.

“The present law creates real injustice for many people. Our members frequently see people who face financial hardship and even homelessness as a result of the current law. Any further delay inevitably means further injustice for some people,” said Jane Craig.

The British Social Attitudes Survey revealed widespread confusion over what protection couples that live together have under the law, with 51 per cent of people still believing that cohabiting couples have rights as “common law” spouses – but no such right exists.

A government-funded awareness campaign in 2004 clearly failed to get the message across sufficiently that living together does not provide cohabiting couples with financial rights if their relationship ends, even if they have lived together for many years and have had children together. Instead, these couples face increased insecurity and distress at the time of relationship break up.

At the request of the Government the Law Commission consulted widely on this issue and its proposals for legal reform were published on 31 July 2007.

“The Government must and should act now to ensure an end to the injustices and vulnerability created by the present law,” said Jane Craig.

How Kids Get Screwed Up During Divorce...

The latest celebrity divorce causality is the 17 year old son of Hulk Hogan and his wife Linda. The Hogan's divorce is becoming increasingly hostile and now both parties are asking the court that the other party be forbidden from speaking about the divorce to their son. In a motion filed by Linda Bollea(the Hogan's real last name), she claims that Terry Bollea (Hulk Hogan) has discussed in detail with his son what Bollea thinks are good reasons for selling the family's $7.2 million Clearwater home. Linda Bollea is currently living there with Nick, and does not wish to sell the property.

"The Husband has ... told the minor child that that the sale of the marital home will ensure the best result with regard to the minor child's pending criminal case, as well as the Husband's anticipated personal injury lawsuit," the motion says. In his own filing, Hulk Hogan accuses his wife of "highly emotional and degrading outbursts as well as ... derogatory descriptions of the Husband in the presence of the minor child."

You can only imagine what the young 17 year old Nick Bollea is feeling right now, being torn between his two parents. Sadly, many divorcing couples get so caught up in the battle with their ex, that the kids are swept into the drama. If you are going through a divorce, do not ask your kids to relay information to your spouse. Do not ask your kids to spy on your spouse either. As difficult as it may be, do not bad mouth your soon to be ex in front of your kids.

I know if is easier said then done, I have been there myself during my own divorce. Divorce has a way of bringing out the worst in people. Divorcing couples often border on being temporarily insane. All logic goes out the window and emotion takes over.That is why it is important that you take a step back and put aside your hurt and anger. Put the kids first. If you and your spouse set ground rules concerning the kids early on during the divorce, you can minimize the emotional trauma to your kids. Keep the kids out of it and you can safeguard their emotional well being.

CAUGHT IN THE CROSS-FIRE

I’m told that yet another sick video has been posted on YouTube this week. Apparently it involves an American marine in Iraq and a puppy, and is causing widespread outrage especially from animal lovers. As a result certain areas of the media have been lashing up a debate about barbarism, the treatment of dumb animals and our reaction to it as well as double standards of morality and whether we think more about animals than people. I do not wish to get embroiled in the debate but did hear various viewpoints being aired vehemently on the radio today. Some of the comments struck a chord when they referred to victims trapped in a war zone; how the perpetrators should protect the innocent caught in the crossfire and if a warring party can’t act responsibly, then it can’t expect respect from those it abuses.

Smelling Spring in the Air

I might be just wishful thinking, but I thought I smelled spring in the air today. Perhaps it was only for a minute but I thought I caught the daffodils trying to sneak into winter. The howling of the wind and the teeming of the rain stopped for just a minute today and the blue sky showed through as the temperature actually soared to 60 degrees. My client today, a newly pregnant soon to be divorced woman wondered out loud how I could possibly tell her to enjoy this time of her life. I guess I was remembering my own pregnancies since today my oldest turned 18, and I remember this day all those years ago as if it were just yesterday.

18 years ago there was a snow storm covering the island as I held my newborn in my arms in the hospital. Kathy Lee Gifford had also just given birth to her first child and I remember watching the broadcast from my hospital bed. Sharing my room was someone I was sure would become a lifetime friend for myself and my son. The friendship lasted a few years but didn't survive my divorce. Many of my friendships did not survive my divorce and when I say that to people who have never been divorced they look aghast. Just ask someone going through a divorce and they will tell you about all their fair weathered friends who didn't want it to "rub" off on their relationships and just faded away.

Of course being a single parent is never easy, but given the choice of parenting alone or not parenting at all I would choose parenting alone.
Also recently my longest running case was settled. I will miss the client but certainly not the aggravation of the case. So far a happy client, time will tell if the deal was good, I think it was. More importantly it was time to move on with her life. That is also what I told my client today...time to move on...afterall it's almost spring.

Smelling Spring in the Air

I might be just wishful thinking, but I thought I smelled spring in the air today. Perhaps it was only for a minute but I thought I caught the daffodils trying to sneak into winter. The howling of the wind and the teeming of the rain stopped for just a minute today and the blue sky showed through as the temperature actually soared to 60 degrees. My client today, a newly pregnant soon to be divorced woman wondered out loud how I could possibly tell her to enjoy this time of her life. I guess I was remembering my own pregnancies since today my oldest turned 18, and I remember this day all those years ago as if it were just yesterday.

18 years ago there was a snow storm covering the island as I held my newborn in my arms in the hospital. Kathy Lee Gifford had also just given birth to her first child and I remember watching the broadcast from my hospital bed. Sharing my room was someone I was sure would become a lifetime friend for myself and my son. The friendship lasted a few years but didn't survive my divorce. Many of my friendships did not survive my divorce and when I say that to people who have never been divorced they look aghast. Just ask someone going through a divorce and they will tell you about all their fair weathered friends who didn't want it to "rub" off on their relationships and just faded away.

Of course being a single parent is never easy, but given the choice of parenting alone or not parenting at all I would choose parenting alone.
Also recently my longest running case was settled. I will miss the client but certainly not the aggravation of the case. So far a happy client, time will tell if the deal was good, I think it was. More importantly it was time to move on with her life. That is also what I told my client today...time to move on...afterall it's almost spring.

Is Your Divorce Attorney A Money Hungry Shark?

I coached a woman today who is going through one of the worst divorces I have ever seen. I thought my divorce was terrible, but this woman's divorce made mine pale in comparison. She is approaching her third year in litigation with no end in sight. I won't go into details here for privacy issues, but the reason her divorce has not settled is because of her crazy husband and his unethical divorce attorney.

It is funny how the law of attraction works. Like attracts like. So her out of control, devious husband has attracted a lawyer who is just like him. Her own attorney informed her that her husband's attorney is not interested in settling because he always goes to trial, that is how he makes his money.

How sad that the average cost for a divorce is reportedly $106,000 per case in some areas of the U.S. That money could be used to put a child through college, instead it is squandered on high price lawyers who prey on their clients, knowing their clients are in a highly emotional state.

Of course, not all divorce lawyers are bad. There are some caring, kind divorce lawyers who genuinely want to help their clients. Many of them practice collaborate divorce law and work with mediators to try and settle the cases they see as quickly as possible. There is also the argument that many aggressive divorce lawyers are just doing their job, trying to win the case for their clients. But at what cost? If you know that your client is lying and trying to cheat his or her spouse how do you represent someone like that? You wonder how they sleep at night.

I think it all goes back again to theory that we attract like minded people into our lives. If we are angry and vengeful we will attract angry, vengeful people. Until divorcing couples wake up and realize that fighting during divorce is only going to bring misery, there will still be plenty of hungry divorce lawyers looking to make a fortune at their expense. When couples remember that it is possible to divorce and be kind and fair, then they will attract the same kind of lawyers and mediators who can help them settle their divorce fairly and quickly.

THE ENFORCEMENT OF ROMANCE

Under Iranian law a husband apparently pledges a gift to his wife on marriage known as a “mahr”. She can claim delivery of it at anytime during the marriage or else in the event of divorce. It is reported that an Iranian court today made an order under this law requiring a husband to comply with his promise of ten years ago to deliver 124,000 red roses to his wife and has seized his apartment until he does so.

Inevitably court decisions of this nature raise eyebrows amongst lawyers here, unused to such gestures of romance or laws to enforce them. In particular, how has enforcement of this pledge by means of court proceedings affected the marriage and where will the wife put the 124,000 roses when she receives them?

If such a remedy was available in this country would women prefer the contents of their local garden centres to divorce and the delivery up of the home?

MEN ARE FROM MARS

If there’s one book everyone should be compelled to read before marriage it has to be “Men are from Mars; Women are from Venus” by John Gray. Come to think of it, everyone should read it as soon as possible and that way a vast number of misunderstandings, and the broken relationships that follow could be avoided.

Constance has been back in touch. (Click here for details of our last conversation.)She’s even found time for another relationship since we last spoke but this time she’s dumped him. She tells me he was a Martian and couldn’t understand her (planets of origin; different languages, I thought, as she regaled the whole sad story to me on the telephone this afternoon). Sounds like he kept asking her what was wrong, and she kept saying, “Nothing.”

Understandably, his male conditioned response to “nothing” was to indicate, “Okay then, let’s go out and watch a football match.”

What Constance, as a female from Planet Venus, actually meant of course was: “I am up to my eyes in debt, I am worried sick about the situation and I just want to unload and talk about it, after you show yourself sympathetic to my predicament.”

Inevitably, she couldn’t actually bring herself to say that, although she managed fine chatting away to me for a full hour and a half. Anyway, as I said, he obviously knew fine well that there was a problem but if she wanted help to solve it, she would have had to tell him what it was. Maybe I overdid the sympathetic agony aunt role because after another half hour, and in order to wind this tedious conversation up, I had to say more. I told her that if she had explained her woes to the Martian, he’d no doubt have taken the initiative to sever the relationship himself and so put her in exactly the same solitary position as she is now anyway.

Strangely, she hung up on me again! I don’t think she can cope with my bilingual ability.

You Are Invited to The Largest Divorce Party In The U.S...


After suffering through my nasty, long divorce battle, I was emotionally drained. When the divorce papers were finally signed, I felt like celebrating. I had heard about divorce parties, but never got the chance to throw myself one. Then I met Rosalind Sedacca, a divorced woman who
also never had a divorce party and we decided it would be fun to throw ourselves and everyone else who has been through a divorce, the largest divorce party in the U.S.

South Florida’s first-ever Divorce Party will be held at Christopher's Nightclub in Fort Lauderdale on Friday, March 7th celebrating new beginnings for women and men who are facing or have experienced divorce. The theme of the Divorce Party is: Laugh, let go and move on. Your new life begins now!

The Divorce Party is being sponsored by Divorce Magazine(www.divorcemagazine.com) and co-sponsored by two prominent professionals who practice in South Florida. Cynthia Tiano, Esq., “The Mediator,” is the author of the new book, Happily Divorced (www.divorceTV.tv). Priscilla Marotta, PhD, is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and director of the Center of Psychological Effectiveness (www.solutionsnottalk.com).

"Our approach is connect with divorcing or divorced people in a light-hearted, fun way through a Divorce Party at one of the most popular night clubs in the heart of South Florida,” says Rosalind Sedacca, CCT. Rosalind is the author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children – with Love! “By offering fun games, contests, music, drinks, prizes and a free Goodie Bag, we’re inviting attendees to release some energy and have a good time in a safe, supportive environment.”

“We are expecting between 400-600 people all looking to have a good time. Your'e welcome to bring your friends to the celebration – even those who are married. And who knows, some people may even end up meeting their next ex!” We have planned a full roster of activities including a “Pin the Blame on Your Ex” game, “Toss the Wedding Ring in the Toilet,” and dancing to your favorite break-up songs all night long.

However, the theme is not about bashing and revenge. Quite the contrary. In addition to holding a “Worst Ex of South Florida” contest, we are also having a “Happy Divorce” contest inviting stories about split partners who are still getting along and plan on remaining friends. In fact, we promise that attendees who actually show up with their ex will receive special prizes.

“Our books, CDs and seminars offer sound advice for a very serious subject,” notes Sedacca. “But everyone needs time to kick up their heels and laugh, especially when life is stressful.” “The Divorce Party concept is our way of encouraging people to add balance to their lives,” adds Rowe. “Laughter, especially at ourselves, is one of the healthiest things we can do.”

Several other South Florida sponsors, including www.divorce360.com will be supporting the event with discount coupons and products in the free Goodie Gift Bags. Plus the new management at Christopher’s Night Club will be offering “Marriage on the Rocks” drink specials, discounted Heinekens beer and a Ladies Drink Free promotion from 9:30 to 11:30!

If you live in the South Florida area, come out and join us, it is going to be a lot of fun! Sign the VIP Guest List at www.secretsofdivorce.com/divorceparty.html. VIP Guests will save $2 off the $10-at-the-door admission . Christopher’s Night Club is located at 2857 East Oakland Park Blvd. in Ft. Lauderdale.