ALIEN COMMUNICATION

Many people accuse lawyers of using incomprehensible words and phrases not otherwise employed in the daily use of the English language. Herewiths and hereuntobefores are accordingly and justifiably frowned upon. Resolution has, therefore, worked hard to try to deliver for family lawyers precedents for courts orders and deeds that whilst unambiguous, remain clear and so far as possible are written in everyday English. That said even those precedents have struggled to rid themselves of useful catch-alls like wheresoever, howsoever and whatsoever.

The other evening I found myself in the right place at the wrong time and was asked to sign a confidentiality agreement as a result. I believe the person who handed it to me must have been from Mars or some other galactic species. Gone were the “howsoever wheresoevers” and yet I fully understood that never must word of what I had seen or heard be divulged when I read: “Forever anywhere in the Universe.” I wonder what the family courts would think if solicitors began to adopt that kind of terminology when drafting orders?

FROM IGNORANCE TO THE UNEXPECTED

I read today about the bride who didn’t know she was getting married until she arrived at what she had understood to be a retirement party. I have to confess I wasn’t convinced, or at least not until I watched the video; it wasn’t a YouTube spoof was it? I say that because in all my years practising family law, I haven’t yet come across anyone claiming they were coerced into a quickie marriage ceremony. Is that because grooms don’t normally arrange such things or because the would-be brides refuse to go through with the formalities? After all there has to be plenty of scope for this most romantic of gestures to fall completely flat on its face when the intended betrothed declines to proceed.

It’s much more likely, of course, that one half of a couple will spring a separation on their unsuspecting partner rather than a wedding. How many times do divorce lawyers find themselves attending a client who only found out their soul-mate was leaving from a note on the mantelpiece or kitchen table? Even worse there are some cowards who, whilst continuing to live with their spouse, get their solicitor to send a letter for them. Not only does that give a whole new meaning to the phrase “a solicitor’s letter,” it reflects badly on the client and lawyer who act in such a way and in so doing show a complete lack of understanding of the effect on the unsuspecting partner.

How easily the unexpected can become a traumatic shock.

HACKED OFF

I can get rather bored with news coverage when it deluges you with the same story day after day after day. The latest phone intercepting scandal involving the now defunct News of the World, however, reminded me of the client who, once upon a time, called to see me and triumphantly whipped from her handbag a polythene bag which she had carefully labelled “Exhibit A.”

“What’s this?” I asked as I peered closely at something which to this day I am still convinced was a press-stud.

“A bugging device,” she whispered. “I found it under my telephone!”

Now I am a solicitor, not an agent for Her Majesty’s Secret Service, so I have to confess that my knowledge of these things is severely limited. However, I can assure you that there was no resemblance at all to those small sinister objects you see James Bond remove from hotel rooms, on the big screen.

Who put it there?” I enquired with interest, for my client was newly separated.

“My husband, of course,” she replied. “He gave the game away when he was helping me move in and I heard his hacking cough!”

GOD SAVE THE QUEEN

Great news, we are getting another extra Bank Holiday next year too; this time it’s to celebrate the 60th anniversary of the Queen's accession to the throne. I have to confess I could get really used to these 4 day working weeks. According to reports today there will be another display of pageantry as Her Majesty glides down the Thames on the Royal Barge. The rest of us, however, are being encouraged to participate in what has to be another Big Society idea; yes it is being proposed that we should eat lunch with our neighbours!

Now that’s all well and good if your neighbours are offering to cook and they are congenial company. What happens though if you don’t like the folks next door? After all it could even be your ex living there (these arrangements do happen, believe me)? You won’t have spoken for months and you know they can’t even cook toast without burning it. Oh well one of you has 12 months to find somewhere else to live.

IT'S A MAD, MAD WORLD!

Once upon a time a client contacted me. “I want an injunction,” he said.

Assuming that he had been at the humiliating end of an incident of domestic abuse, I warned him that even court orders that prohibit threats and molestation can have their shortfalls as I prepared to take notes and asked him to tell me what had happened.

“I’ve been having a relationship with another woman for a few years now,” he began, “It’s now finished and I’ve confessed everything to my wife.”

“And she’s got angry and frightened you?” I queried.

"No, it’s the ex girlfriend; she’s threatening to go to the newspapers.”

“Are they likely to publish?” I enquired.

“Look I’m not so bothered about that, I just want to be really famous,” he replied. “I work in a bank, play football at weekends and I’ve even been in the audience of a Top Gear show, so I thought I’d have all the credentials for a truly super injunction.”

“Will trying to stop publication grant you the fame and publicity you are clearly so readily seeking?” I asked.

“Yes, if the whole mad world starts tweeting about me instead!”

GLOBAL AND MOBILE

The Northern Echo featured a breaking story today about a local employer which has decided to relocate part of its business from Darlington and in so doing purportedly offered alternative roles in other locations to the staff who would be affected. One of those other locations, however, was reported to be in the Philippines where the new package on offer reputedly includes a rice allowance. Needless to say the workforce is objecting robustly at the concept of moving 7,000 miles to keep their jobs. There are a few though who are reserving their position. They are the ones who have presumably been in touch today to find out if: Manila is far enough away that the ex won’t try to visit; that the CSA can’t touch them there; whether taking all their pay in rice will prevent a maintenance claim; in due course if they remarry will they be able to bring their bride back to the UK.

NE'ER CAST A CLOUT

“Ne’er cast a clout till May be out,” the saying goes. Nonetheless, with temperatures hitting 21 degrees Celsius in my garden this weekend, I could not be persuaded to continue on in my woollen vest and mittens. Neither, however, have I been tempted to put my winter clothes away.

We are, of course, all very good at ignoring the advice of older relatives despite the fact that they only ever have our best interests at heart. It’s probably a trick we learned in out teens, when our parents seemed adept at attempting to manipulate our lives. There are times though when it is worth listening to Old Wives and their tales. Their expertise is based on years of experience and early April with a fickle wind blowing is only one of those times.

A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME

The Pope’s plea this week for a return to old fashioned christian names had a certain resonance for divorce practitioners. That is not, I’m quick to add, because I believe everyone should be called Mary or Joseph or that the spirit of inventiveness and innovation should be reined in but rather to make my own life easier.

Listening to local radio there were tales of children being called Vauxhall Nova and Pocahontas O’Reilly, although as any divorce lawyer will tell you they would inevitably be spelled Vorkshall and Pokahontass. You see one of the things that they never teach you at Law School, but you learn on your very first few days in an office, is that you have to ask your client to spell out the name for every member of their family.

It is inevitable that there will be variations in the spelling of Rachael, Sean and let’s not even start with Vivienne. I have however been caught out by Shardonnay and Chevaun in the past and please tell me how on earth I am meant to know that a wife’s middle name is Rows and not Rose?

WHOSE NUMBER DO YOU CALL?

In times of sub-zero temperatures, such as now, separated girls can do with a plumber’s telephone number stuck to her memo board, ready for when the pipes begin to burst. Conversely and with Christmas approaching, many men could do with the number for a gift wrapping service. A client recently gave me a helpful tip: stay on good terms with your ex and just call them instead!

PANCAKE CRAZY

When speaking to clients in my capacity as a divorce solicitor, I have learned the hard way that it is always important to check the date and be prepared to discover you are talking at cross-purposes.

Once upon a time in the days when High Streets closed on Shrove Tuesday for pancake races, I recall conversing with a client. She worked part-time and had taken to ringing me during her coffee break at work on Tuesday mornings.

“He’s a tosser,” she fumed on this particular day. “He’s flipped 3 times already this morning!”

I held my tongue but wondered whether I should be suggesting that she call Mental Health.

When she told me that she had left him on the ceiling, I felt I had to broach the prospect of medical assistance and delicately suggested that maybe she should involve his GP.

“What, to scrape a pancake down from the kitchen ceiling?” she responded in astonishment!

THE SLIPPERY SLOPE

Long term followers of this blog will know that Dom and I made a commitment to each other some 2½ years ago now. However things have been getting a little difficult over the last 3 weeks and this morning I found myself telling him “to get a grip.” I know you’re meant to talk these things through to find a mutually acceptable compromise because there’s never any future in simply stamping feet and insisting on change. Nevertheless in this instance, and whilst Dom may not appreciate it, he is not going to be allowed to slip again. A girl has standards that must be maintained when she’s out and about looking to accelerate and move on in life; Dom is very definitely getting winter tyres!

TEAM PLAYERS

Get families together and, if they’re anything like ours then after a large meal (priorities first) there’s nothing better than a game pitting brother against sister, in-law against out-law or husband against wife. Charades is probably still one of the most popular party games for such occasions. At New Year with a bottle of whisky in one hand and a Christmas cracker in the other, can there be anything more exciting than watching great uncle Henry attempt to mime “Gone with the Wind” for the amusement of his extended family?

There are of course now hosts of boxed games catering for the yearning within to make a fool of yourself whilst competing for family honour in a mini domestic Olympics.

This festive break we played two games in particular, “Articulate” and “Outburst”. They were aptly named, and watching those around me indulge in gamesmanship or attempt to cheat their way to success, I quickly learned why a failure to articulate adeptly or unnecessary outbursts of bad temper and indignation can ruin many a relationship. Indeed my best advice for those who are potentially vulnerable or faint hearted would be to stick to card games instead. "Happy Families" springs to mind!

THE BIG FREEZE

It started a week before Christmas when all that white stuff fell from the sky and lay and lay. It got harder as the temperature lowered. Cold and impenetrable it just sat there for two whole weeks. Then yesterday, on New Year’s Eve, there was a visible thaw and at the same time I saw our lawn or at least some blades of grass, as the blanket of snow and ice appeared to recede.

Not for long though. By 4pm it was snowing heavily and a silent, frigid atmosphere enveloped us again.

I awoke this morning to another crusty start, a bitter chill and a vast expanse of white nothingness.

2010 is starting the way 2009 finished. Who would be foolish enough to think a few clock chimes and a glass of champagne at midnight would make a difference?

DOUGHNUTS

I am what might be described as a regular contributor to local radio. Hence yesterday afternoon I was interviewed on BBC Tees’ Drive-time show. I understood that the presenter wanted to quiz me about my reaction to the survey referred to in my blog entry yesterday. Imagine my surprise therefore when in opening she referred to the results of a survey by the consumer watchdog Which? suggesting that a child’s lunchbox can contain as much sugar as 10 doughnuts. A wave of fear swept over me; was it a case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time or had I just totally misunderstood my brief? I felt my fists clench as I struggled to think how I could possibly comment on doughnuts, perhaps something along the lines of “I’m not a dietician but...” might do it.

Fortunately she moved on to Children in Need and then the survey on the effects of separation; phew, panic over!

BUSMAN'S HOLIDAY

I was on vacation last week. The trouble is that as regular readers of this blog will know I keep coming across divorce everywhere I turn, not just in the office. So it was that whilst I was wandering across a beach in out of season Cornwall, a complete stranger, dressed in a wetsuit and holding a surf board, looked at me and said: “It’s not working. We can’t communicate about anything important; in fact we can’t communicate at all.”

Maybe I have a sympathetic looking face, but the term “busman’s holiday” springs to mind!

HOW TO STOP HATING YOUR EX

Stop hating your ex must sound like a tall order for many people, but this book by René Ashton seeks to show you how. “I wanted someone to tell me how in the world I was to escape the grips of this ferocious animal wreaking havoc in my life,” she writes; she’s not describing her ex, however, but instead her anger.

René forwarded me a copy of the book in advance of its US publication date last week. I’m sure that it will only be a matter of time before it’s available in the UK too. More like a work-book than a reference source, it’s written in a very down to earth style and pushes the reader onward in a mission of self-healing asking for deliberated responses to questions posed, even providing lined pages for the replies.

“You cannot change your ex. Try as you may. Manipulate as you may. Punish, kick, scream, whatever your tactic, it won’t work”, she reminds us. “The only thing you can change is yourself to make things different.” Through the book, she endeavours to train the reader how to let go and draws on her own experience in illustrating the depths to which the broken hearted and wronged can sink but also how they can move on.

René clearly feels strongly that children should have the right to be co-parented properly. She spares no punches when she identifies those careless or vindictive comments that can cause untold harm and urges the reader to “talk to a professional (not your kids), unload on your friends (not your kids).”

If you feel caught in a trap of negativity or denial as a result of relationship breakdown, it could help but you mustn’t expect any sympathy. “You have the capacity to change,” and that’s what the author wants you to do.

WHEAT FROM THE CHAFF

Watching our local farmers taking advantage of an unexpected warm spell in the weather to bale the remainder of their cereal crop reminded me of that adage about sifting wheat from the chaff. Information on the Internet is now so vast that even with the assistance of your favourite search engine it isn’t always easy to find what you are looking for. That said, I came across this useful site today, intended to help couples understand each other and take steps to alter things before they end up visiting a divorce solicitor. The Couple Connection.

Also whilst on the subject of the web, Resolution has come of age and joined Twitter. You can follow it here.

A BIG EGO

In the course of my work this week I was reminded that court cases over marital assets can be as much about pride as the financial principles. Obstinacy by one or both spouses within a relationship can lead to marriage breakdown and then spill over to spoil settlement negotiations.

Becoming entrenched in your position prevents compromise and when misguided conceit sets in, a marriage hurtles towards oblivion and a case towards a final hearing. Deaf to sound legal advice, arrogance can result in an otherwise unnecessary judicial determination of matters that could have been settled months before with the same outcome and at a fraction of the cost.

Walking a legal tightrope you topple over. Remember pride comes before a fall (in net worth as well as emotionally).

ONLINE STRAIN

The Catholic Church counselling service, Accord, reported yesterday that too much time spent on the Internet is causing marital problems in Ireland. Not surprisingly it believes that the worst sites are those providing online gambling or dating services but additionally one partner can be perceived as simply spending too much time at their PC, leading a virtual life rather than a real one with their spouse. I note however that blogging didn’t feature in the comments reported although, and here I speak from experience, it is truly addictive but presumably perfectly harmless when it comes to marital relations. Indeed I’m now two years into this blog yet Outdoor Man still speaks to me, despite logging on occasionally to read what I write about him!

A HEALTH WARNING

The psychologist Dr Aric Sigman has this week published a paper entitled: “Well Connected?: The Biological Implications of Social Networking.”

Of course, I make no claim to having read the paper, only, I confess, the media reports on it. If they are accurate then from what I understand he concludes that social networking sites do not enhance our social life but rather displace it. One of the most pronounced changes in the habits of British Citizens over the last two decades is apparently the reduction in the number of minutes a day they interact with other human beings and even young children with their laptops, television sets and electronic games are affected.

But what makes this paper all so serious is reference to the identification of yet more human genes. In fact 209 social regulating genes including ones connected with stress and immune systems. The continuous use of social networking sites and technology instead of face to face communication could according to Dr Sigman affect not only our social skills but also those genes which in turn can have an effect on our hormone levels and well-being, increasing in due course the incidence of serious illnesses such as cancer, heart disease, strokes and dementia!

So dear reader and in your own best interests I have to warn you that logging on regularly to read this blog can seriously damage your health and when all is said and done another argument with your spouse, or a whinge to your best friend, brother, sister, or AN Other, might just be better for you!