NO VACATION

I returned from holiday on Friday to find the country immersed in Royal Wedding mania and inundated by media coverage. Getting home too late in the day to watch the proceedings live, I had not envisaged that it would be quite so easy to catch up on the minute by minute details of the big day nor indeed so difficult to find anything else to watch on television. Every channel and every news bulletin appeared swamped by a plethora of pomp and procession. I quickly learnt from the various expert commentators that there would be a plague of copy cat weddings taking place not only in churches in this country but globally; ivory lace, trees in aisles, strawberry plants and Jerusalem will be the order of the day, together with chocolate biscuit wedding cakes.

I also learnt that only the groom knew the honeymoon destination although there was some comment that in these economically constrained times it would be appropriate for it to be a staycation here in the UK rather than a stay in an exotic, foreign location. It was probably sensible advice. The number of people marrying on tropical beaches has no doubt pushed up the cost of a wedding in recent years. Affordable if you have the savings to pay for it or a life time together to discharge the credit card interest. Divorce lawyers, however, see those cases where a marriage breaks down too quickly and the only financial legacy to show for it are the wedding photos and a large debt. Unsurprisingly neither party ever wants either of them.

Of greater surprise this weekend though was the announcement that the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge (as I was told they now are) will not be taking an immediate honeymoon after all. Forget the staycation it’s a no vacation, allowing the groom to return to work as soon as possible, though I doubt if it’s through financial necessity.

Outdoor Man and I of course set the precedent for the no vacation honeymoon marrying the day before a Bank Holiday weekend and then, as I recall, spending the weekend anti-fouling his boat! Still we remain together 24 years later, so perhaps it’s a good omen and a trend that might now catch on.

BE A SPORT

Last night I went to a wedding reception, except it was actually a fund-raising event and there was neither a real bride nor groom. It didn’t stop the cake being cut or speeches being made and the invitations themselves referred to the union of Ms Charity A. Peel and Mr B. A. Sport. I couldn’t help thinking that the names were apt for a real marriage too. If a couple keep the appeal going, be sports and compromise now and again as needed, there should be no requirement for either my services or those of any other divorce lawyer.

FORGET THE RECEPTION WHEN THE CONNECTION GOES

Can I wish all my readers, albeit somewhat belatedly, a very Happy New Year. Unfortunately like so many people I succumbed to a bad cold in the days leading up to Christmas. It wasn’t flu when I had it but it understandably developed into such when Outdoor Man caught it and then, come 2011, I go down with another bout of sneezing, coughing and generally feeling attacked by an onslaught of germs.

Well as you can imagine I have been struggling on regardless. The word martyr springs to mind. Still in all seriousness I did find the energy to pull a Christmas cracker on the big day. It was just as well because the joke inside was obviously intended to be read by those dealing with marital problems. So whilst the rest of the family had to giggle at puns about flying pigs or Irish patio doors, I got something that went like this:

An aerial and a lead met on top of a television set. They connected and decided to get married. The ceremony was okay whilst the reception was brilliant!

Obviously as a divorce lawyer I could write the sequel:

After a while, however, the connection wore and sparks began to fly. Eventually there was a blow up and they both went to see solicitors in January!

FOOTBALL HOPES BLATTERED

So ladies, he’s going to be off to Russia in 2018. Prepare now if you don’t want to become a football marriage casualty. What better way to spend your winter evenings for the next seven years than poring over holiday brochures and guidebooks as you plan your ideal holiday taking in St Petersburg, Moscow and if it appeals even Siberia. Don’t let him go alone. Take up Cossack dancing, a love of red, fur hats, vodka (in moderation) and borscht. Insist on being a WAG.

I’m not so sure what to suggest for Qatar in 2022. I did once change planes at the airport there and it was very clean with air conditioning and wonderful views (of a desert).

TO PAINT OR PAPER?

I took a few days away from work this week to keep Little Girl company during her half term holiday and ended up decorating. It had never occurred to me before though how much our house walls are like personal relationships. As cracks revealed themselves, there was the ongoing dilemma of how best to deal with them. Do you paper over and hope nothing untoward will happen? Do you ignore them, slap on the paint regardless and trust nobody will notice? Do you reach for help in the form of filler, sand down and hopefully produce a smooth and perfect result? Whichever route you choose, will they reappear and after how long?

T SHIRT SLOGAN

Seen on a T Shirt in Whitby today:
“The longest English sentence:- ‘ I do.’”

THE SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP

Watching on television, as the US President, Barack Obama, and our Prime Minister, David Cameron, gave a press conference at the White House yesterday, you could be forgiven for thinking that in describing the special relationship between our countries they were really talking about marriage. They described the length and strength of the ties between us, supporting each other through tricky times (Iraq and Afghanistan sprung instantly to mind); also the respect for each other, especially as each goes down different routes in seeking to tackle the effects of a shortage of money. They even referred to the depth of feeling when one causes the other anguish; BP and the Gulf of Mexico were mentioned. Two allies, stalwarts together and well past their honeymoon period.

Nonetheless as any cynic, historian or even family lawyer knows, that still doesn’t mean there can never be a divorce

SWIMMING THAT EXTRA LENGTH

Tempted by the adjoining spa and pool, I have recently joined a gym. It is noticeable how many husbands come into the gym to work out, whilst their wives prefer the attractions of the Jacuzzi. I regularly have the pool to myself; it seems there are only a few couples seeking to swim that extra length together.

SO MUM THINKS SHE KNOWS BEST

I hear that a survey published today purportedly suggests that some 63% of mothers wish their children had married someone else. Now not only could that provide a statistical basis for all those old mother-in-law jokes but also a reason why so many marriages crumble under the weight of relentless family pressure and asides. There comes a time, especially once married, when we have to learn to stand on our own two feet, make our own decisions and live with them, not with our mothers.

THE SLIPPERY SLOPE

Long term followers of this blog will know that Dom and I made a commitment to each other some 2½ years ago now. However things have been getting a little difficult over the last 3 weeks and this morning I found myself telling him “to get a grip.” I know you’re meant to talk these things through to find a mutually acceptable compromise because there’s never any future in simply stamping feet and insisting on change. Nevertheless in this instance, and whilst Dom may not appreciate it, he is not going to be allowed to slip again. A girl has standards that must be maintained when she’s out and about looking to accelerate and move on in life; Dom is very definitely getting winter tyres!

WINNERS AND LOSERS

One of the pleasing touches I’ve invariably found in hotels in the Swiss and Austrian Alps is a newsletter on the breakfast table with a quote for the day. It is in such circumstances that I recently came across this offering by Denis Waitley, the American writer and motivational speaker. I believe it’s an entirely appropriate quote for a blog that seeks to delve into the complications of human relationships, though I make no comment on the accuracy or otherwise of the sentiments expressed:

Losers make promises they often break. Winners make commitments they always keep.

999

Today is of course the ninth day of the ninth month of the ninth year of the second millennium. In Chinese culture the number 9 is pronounced the same as the word for long lasting and so is often associated with marriage as a symbol for an everlasting relationship. The significance of today’s date was not therefore lost on the 500 Chinese Malaysian couples in Kuala Lumpur who participated in a mass wedding. Nor indeed on a Los Angeles budget chain, known as the 99 Cents Only Stores, which paid the bill for 9 couples to marry in a famous romantic location.

In our culture 999 is of course the number we dial for the emergency services. Perhaps with a bit of forethought our “Less Than a Pound” stores might have been persuaded to pay for 9 unlucky couples to travel to their solicitors with a police escort in order to get an injunction and be divorced, as well as giving them each 99 pence. Okay, it was only a thought.

A TASK FOR CUPID

Valentine's Day tomorrow and, in anticipation, two sets of statistics in the media today caught my eye, both clearly designed to spoil the romance of the occasion.

First The Times reproduced figures from the Office for National Statistics to show that if you are married and living in the UK you are in a minority. The cynic in you might think that this is as a result of our high divorce rate, but in fact it apparently has more to do with the shrinking number of people marrying in the first place. The article seeks to explore possible reasons for this, including the high cost of a traditional wedding or childhood experiences from parents divorcing putting off would-be spouses

However the results of a survey in Croatia may inadvertently have revealed the answer. Apparently 40% of people in Croatia tell their partners that they are terminating their relationship using a mobile phone. Even more cowardly, more than half of those do it by SMS rather than speaking. Assuming the statistics are similar in the UK, maybe ditching one’s partner has just got too easy, now that it doesn’t even have to be done face to face.

It seems to me that Cupid is going to need more than a bow and arrow tomorrow. Somehow he has to learn to confiscate mobile phones and find a way to get all those lovers to the altar.

BEST FRIENDS

The results of a survey by Petplan which insures dogs and cats in America were released today. It disclosed some interesting statistics including the fact that over 66% of those participating would rather share a desert island with their pet than their partner, and some 70% sleep with their pets! So what did I learn from that? America is a country full of unhappily married people perhaps or alternatively I could have a much more satisfying relationship with Little Girl’s guinea pig than Outdoor Man?

Curiously I don’t think it asked how many would divorce their cat, dog or guinea pig if they could.

THE OLYMPIC GAMES

The Olympic Games' Opening Ceremony in Beijing this evening was a showpiece, celebrating the union of the young of the world as they gathered in the presence of 90,000 invited guests and onlookers. It was not a coincidence that today was also the luckiest day of the century in China and that the Olympic Ceremony starting at 8pm shared the day with countless Chinese couples all looking to tie the knot on 8.8.08.

Let us hope that something which began with a ceremony of such extravaganza and is to take place under a flame of passion draws on the good luck charm of the date and that the oath by the participants to show each other respect and not to cheat is a lasting one.

THE SHIPPING FORECAST

I am just back from bobbing around on a little boat in the Irish Sea for 2 weeks, moving from marina to anchorage in a partnership of wind and sail. As in any relationship you have to be aware of external factors to keep the momentum and to move in harmony from place to place. Inevitably this means that you don’t always go when or to where or you planned and the itinerary changes according to sea and weather conditions. “Wind variable South to South West 5 or 6, 3 to 4 later; sea state moderate or rough; visibility poor,” becomes your staple diet and it is important to be ready to adapt and change course accordingly. If you don’t at best you’ll be miserable and at worst your boat will surely founder.

LOYALTY

One of my colleagues, Fred Burton, retired this week, after 72 years since he first joined the staff way back in 1936 . Save for a period of service with the RAF during the Second World War, his employment has been continuous, albeit in latter years devoted to library duties for two days per week. Now aged 88, Fred, who has been interviewed by both the Press and local TV station concerning this remarkable achievement, has accredited it to enjoying his work and the company of the other people in the office.

Fred hails from an era when loyalty to King and country as well as to family and employer were paramount. Back in 1936 and despite the publicity engendered that year by the abdication of Edward VIII in order to marry the divorcee Mrs Simpson, divorce was still pretty much an unknown concept for ordinary folk.

There is an argument that if we could rediscover the ethos of loyalty rather than the pursuit of self gratification, the divorce rate would decrease and society would be simpler and more stable. Some might even say happier. Ultimately, however, loyalty has to be earned and should be a two way process not a belief or principle generated by blind faith. That’s why employers in the 21st century have to work to retain staff and it takes both partners in a marriage to commit to and work at that union for it to remain successful.

WILL IT RAIN OR WILL IT NOT?

Constance has been on the phone again. At the beginning of the week, she walked home from work chatting to the latest man in her life, in a steamy temperature of 26 degrees. It seems they were getting along really well, and she was convinced he must like a woman prepared for all eventualities, hence the umbrella and coat she was carrying. Yesterday the atmosphere was cooler, both within the relationship and outside. Today it had dropped by more than 10 degrees and she found herself wrong-footed both in her choice of clothing (skimpy top and cotton skirt) and boyfriend’s mood. Any wonder we can’t get our relationships right when we can’t even cope with the climate?

THE SEAT OF POWER

This week I have been reading papers describing a man who appears to be suffering relationship problems. He was organising a party but it is falling into disarray and there have been rumours circulating for a little while that fisticuffs have even broken out. The man is becoming marginalised. He is openly criticised whenever he tries to speak to justify his actions. He is being pilloried for the way he’s handled the purse strings, as it seems that there is now debt and hardship everywhere. Indecision on his part is allegedly making the whole sorry situation worse and those close to him are reported to be “down in the dumps” as a result.

Now he’s visiting distant relatives in America to get away from it all, whilst asserting that he is committed to sticking it out in the belief that there will be good times again.

Sounds familiar? Welcome to the world of Gordon Brown, PM.

LIKE MINDS

There are various factors which contribute to a successful marriage and without which a relationship can break down. In my own case, those factors include sharing the same ideals and principles as Outdoor Man. Indeed two things on which we both agree is that we do not go on holiday to save money or to diet.

So it is that we have returned from Switzerland today with empty wallets and wondering how long we can go eating only lettuce leaves.