MOBILE HANG UP

The “nanny state” has become a euphemism for the way our lives are controlled, reputedly in our best interests. Our current Government also claims to have placed the family high on its agenda.

An example of merging the two has just been reported from the Punjab. Its State Commission for Women has asked newly married wives to reduce the number of calls they are making on their telephones. Apparently statistics there suggest that 40% of women contemplating divorce do so because their husbands suspect them of having an affair because of all the telephone calls they are making.

Of course, there could be other reasons for those calls, not least the garrulous nature of the fairer sex and perhaps, as is traditional in India, the bride has moved to live with her husband’s family but still enjoys chatting with her own.

Still I suppose it’s an idea our current Government in its quest to preserve good old fashioned family values as well as marriages might want to explore. On second thoughts sandwiched between a Government body telling women not to use their phones and a husband accusing them of adultery, divorce might just seem an attractive alternative.

MISTRESS FETCHES £25 MILLION

It is said that every cloud has a silver lining and sometimes even thunderstorms do too. Taking a lesson from the world of 20th Century art, I would therefore like to offer some advice to any woman who believes her husband may be having an affair: get him to painting classes, quickly! Pablo Picasso painted his mistress and the picture sold this week for £25 million. Now just think what your husband might be able to earn from his works of art. If it is all going to end in tears, at least the funds to be divided between you could be substantially supplemented or alternatively you could accept a couple of his canvasses as part of your financial settlement and store them in your attic until the time for auction is right.

IT'S SNOW COVER FOR INFIDELITY

All this snow reminds me of the alleged story of the woman who put her husband’s pyjamas in the freezer, because he had been unfaithful to her. I have no idea whether or not it is a true story but certainly icy conditions and heavy snow seem to lend themselves to matrimonial mischief. Certainly I recall a client once upon a time confessing that the great thing about winter wasn’t just the handsome postman who delivered the Christmas post but also the fact that the snow immediately covered all her visitors’ footprints, so her husband never knew how many people she sipped coffee with during the course of his working day. Unfortunately for her the snow was so heavy that, on one occasion, her husband was unable to get to his office and so returned home unexpectedly. Footprints or no footprints, he still found one of her visitors in shall we say a compromising position with his wife, and divorce proceedings ensued.

CONDEMNED

After tonight’s headlines to the effect that student tuition fees could rise to £7,000 per annum, I wonder how many students regret that day in May when they cast their vote in favour of the Liberal Democrats. Weren’t they promising to abolish tuition fees altogether? Funny how once in power policies can change. It’s what’s commonly known as betrayal and somehow we accept that it’s what politicians do.

The closer to home however that trust is betrayed, the less accepting we are of it and the greater the emotional effect upon us. Friends and work colleagues stab us in the back and misery ensues. When spouses or partners leave to set up home with another person, emotions run riot. As William Congreve wrote: “Hell has no rage like love to hatred turned. Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned.”

Just like the about-turn on university tuition fees, the ones who suffer are the next generation; those who were too young to cast a vote at the ballot-box or have a say when their parents broke up in anger and torment. They are the ones who will pay the price and, if the government implements this recommendation as appears likely, the ones who have been ConDemned.

HARVEST HOME

Although I once again followed a tractor travelling at snail’s pace into work this morning, it is evident that harvest time is drawing to a close. The beans in my garden have reached their end turning bitter and stringy, the last of the broccoli has gone to seed and I’ve brought my own harvest in by digging up all our potatoes. In doing so I disturbed a black toad buried beneath the soil surface. I was so surprised that I actually let out a squeal of astonishment; it wasn’t what I was expecting at all. Worst still he just dug a deeper hole for himself as, cowering coward that he was, he continued to lie in the same place. Sounds familiar? How many have been surprised by the unexpected actions of their partner only to find that he or she tries to lie their way out of the situation? One lie leads to another and the hole gets deeper and deeper. Moreover, once trust has been destroyed in that way, it is rarely easily rebuilt. Now I realise why I have had so many clients who have referred to their estranged spouse as a "toad".

KICKING THE BALLS INTO TOUCH

I hear Awkward, Vicious and C.U. Incourt, solicitors, are to run a new advertising campaign:-

“Ladies does the time your husband devotes to the hallowed game of football give you cause for consternation and despair? Fear not; inspired by events at national level, there is a route for revenge: Allege adultery; get him demoted!”

PERFECTION

“Perfection” is the title of a book by Julie Metz published by Hyperion in June. It kindly sent me a copy in advance of the publication date but I regret that it took a sojourn in Spain to set aside the time to read it. It’s an autobiography and is not directly connected to divorce. The writer was, however, widowed in her 40’s and devastated by her husband’s death is even more devastated to discover that he was a liar and serial adulterer.

The book tells the tale of the author’s anger and bitterness; she is described as a vengeful woman but in order to move on with her life learns to let go and reflect on the good times rather than the bad.

“You have to forgive him for us to move on together,” her new partner tells her.

Graphic language and description will probably limit enjoyment of this book for those who like a classically constructed novel. They are however used to effect, conveying the emotions, shock and betrayal suffered by someone denied the opportunity to confront the wrongdoer who continues to dominate and haunt her daily life.

MENAGE A TROIS

Conscious that Prince Charles has just posted a video to YouTube with a frog in a starring role, I thought that I would go one better and upload this video. Local wildlife has been behaving in impulsive ways recently. I have toads burrowing in my compost bin; a cow in the field beyond my kitchen that keeps racing pheasants; a Mad March hare that tears round the same field albeit 2 months late; a deer that jumped out of a ditch into the path of my car yesterday and a hedgehog nesting in my front border. However if one ever needed a reminder as to how ugly life can get should you try to introduce a third party into a relationship just look at this video, taken outside our front gate by Apprentice Man.

A FROG CHORUS

Whilst out walking in Arkengarthdale yesterday, we came across frogs canoodling in a rather deep puddle on a bridleway. Surrounded by their spawn, they appeared to be delighting in each other’s company. As we approached, a vociferous male who definitely wasn’t saying “reddit,” made it clear that our presence was unwelcome. It was a sharp reminder, in case we needed one, not to intervene in the marital relations of others.

CELLULOID MOMENTS

If your partner has cheated on you, a trip to the cinema tonight may not be the best distraction:
“I’ve Loved you so Long” (12A) but never knew you were of such “Easy Virtue” (PG) and after the “Body of Lies” (15) all I need is a “Quantum of Solace” (12A).

CARNIVORES

Amongst the tributes paid this week to the late Paul Newman, I heard that in talking about his longstanding and devoted relationship with his wife, he was known to have expressed the view that there is no point going out for a hamburger when you can stay in and have steak instead. I understand that he wasn’t actually talking about food either.

As a divorce lawyer I can certainly say that I deal daily in cases where clients have gone for the hamburger option instead. Whether they’re any happier as a result I don’t know, though I suspect the McDonald’s and Burger King Empires might be.

REVENGE!

Whilst I disagree totally with the whole concept of revenge, the extent to which many hurt spouses will go to seek such never ceases to amaze and in some instances amuse. Take for instance an advert which has appeared on Ebay where a woman called Anna in Queensland is seeking to auction souvenirs from a lovemaking session that she interrupted in her own bedroom between her adulterous husband and a lady she now knows only as Kylie.

She did try to advertise the lady’s panties but the advert was apparently removed by Ebay as it does not permit the sale of second-hand underwear on the site, so now and at a reduced price you can bid for a photograph of them instead!

How Low Can You Go? John Edwards Cheats on Dying Wife....

When former Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards recently confessed his extramarital affair on television, I cringed thinking about the immense pain he has caused his wife, Elizabeth. This woman is battling incurable cancer. How could he put her through this?

What goes on in the mind of a cheater? How could John Edward put his own needs first without thinking about the devastating consequences to his wife, knowing the fragile physical state she is in?

I have spoken to many people on both sides, the cheaters and the ones who have been cheated on. The cheaters usually say that they were unhappy in the marriage and were tempted by someone who made them feel special and good about themselves. They usually confess that attempted to resist the affair, but eventually succumbed to the charms and seduction of their lover. The ones who have been cheated on are shocked, sickened and feel like they have had the wind knocked out of them. Feelings of not being good enough and sexy enough plague them.

We know affairs devastate and hurt people but can you imagine what Elizabeth Edward must be going through, knowing she may not live much longer, dealing with those emotions and now having to deal with the public humiliation and betrayal her husband has caused her? It is incomprehensible.

I think anyone considering an affair needs to think about what effect your actions are going to have on your spouse. Obviously John Eward is a selfish man who will now have guilt that he will carry with him the rest of his life knowing he made his wife's last days ones of pain and misery.

THE OLYMPIC GAMES

The Olympic Games' Opening Ceremony in Beijing this evening was a showpiece, celebrating the union of the young of the world as they gathered in the presence of 90,000 invited guests and onlookers. It was not a coincidence that today was also the luckiest day of the century in China and that the Olympic Ceremony starting at 8pm shared the day with countless Chinese couples all looking to tie the knot on 8.8.08.

Let us hope that something which began with a ceremony of such extravaganza and is to take place under a flame of passion draws on the good luck charm of the date and that the oath by the participants to show each other respect and not to cheat is a lasting one.

Should We Feel Sorry For the "Other Woman"?

There is a new book out written by a woman who has dated numerous married men. Her book is written for women who have affairs with married men. This author actually claims that the other women often suffers the most when the relationship ends.

Maybe I am biased, having dealt with my husband's crazy mistress, but I just do not have much sympathy for a woman who knowingly dates another woman's husband. I don't care what he tells you, how bad his marriage is, how unhappy he is and so on. He is still married.

Women who date married men are behaving selfishly, in my opinion. They are going to hurt others, including their lover's wife and children. I cannot see any good reason to put yourself in that kind of position. Is it low self-esteem? Do you just not care who you hurt? Do you use the excuse that you are just so "in love" that you cannot help yourself?

Granted there are marriages where one partner is miserable and feels like the marriage is over.
That is when the person who wants out needs to either go to marriage counseling or ask for a divorce. Having an affair only complicates things and hurts people.

I had a good friend several years ago who was having an affair with a married man. She begged me not to judge her, knowing that I was still reeling form my husband's affair at the time. I put my judgement s aside and tried to be supportive when she explained that her lover did not love his wife anymore and that she slept on the couch and there marriage has been over for many months, etc. After some time, it become clear that this man was not going to leave his wife and that it was more than likely his wife had no idea that their marriage was over.

My friend, the other woman, was dumped, left with the fact that she wasted almost a year in a relationship that went nowhere. In that respect, I do feel bad for women who have affairs with married men. The are in a no-win situation and their actions can only cause pain to themselves and others. But as grown women, they must understand that they are making a choice to have a relationship with someone who is not free to love them unconditionally.

I think if more women respected themselves and had higher self-esteem, a charming, sweet talking married man would not have the same effect on them and they would walk away for a potential affair.

SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH

So it took scientists at 3 universities to publish research which suggests that we can get an inkling as to whether a prospective partner is after a long-term relationship or something a little more casual just by looking at their face.

Funnily that’s the same technique used by most of my clients to try to tell if their partner is being honest about the affair they suspect them of. “Look me in the eyes, and deny it.” Most of them do deny it, of course, and the client is left with only intuition based on the way they hold their eyes, twitch, flinch, or blush.

Maybe university researchers can work out if there is anything in this and whether my clients have themselves made yet another scientific discovery.

LET'S GROW A LITTLE

The New Scientist today referred to research from Spain and the Netherlands which suggests that height can influence how jealous you feel. The research reveals that men, and more so the shorter they are, feel most nervous about rich, strong, attractive rivals.

Yesterday I mentioned that envy was one of the deadly sins that often appears amongst the particulars included in a divorce petition. I remember years ago, Bernice, a distant cousin, telling me how she had left her husband because he failed to give her any space to associate with friends; often in fits of jealousy followed her, even to work; checked her mobile phone every night for evidence of text messages; unreasonably attempted to control the clothes that she wore, simply to make her look unattractive. Bernice, of course, was a very good looking lady but I had never met her husband. I later heard on the family grapevine that they did reconcile but many years passed before I ever saw her again, this time at a family funeral with her husband. Guess what, he made me feel tall!

I don’t know to what extent this research is of any assistance to the divorce lawyer or the client but, purely in the interest of scientific research, I might now ask any client, who tells me of similar traits to those described by Bernice, if their spouse is short in stature. On second thoughts maybe I should just ask if there is actually a third party involved; there was in Bernice’s case and I hazard a guess that he was a lot taller than her husband.

A LACK OF APPRECIATION

Despite very occasional altercations with T Bars, I regard myself as a competent skier. I accept, however, that I have no ambition to ascend to the tops of peaks using skis and skins like Outdoor and Apprentice Men, but even so I can get down anything pisted intact and with skis parallel. That my ability is unappreciated by those closest to me is somewhat obvious, especially now that Little Girl can descend faster than me.

The fact that I overtake many and more on the way down is irrelevant. I am simply unable to ski as fast as the rest of my family and have become the subject of the children’s jokes; the years spent nurturing their prowess forgotten. Instead and until either old age or an injury catches up with Outdoor Man, I am destined to bring up the rear, wearing a luminous yellow hat so that I can be easily spotted from afar and not because it is either fetching or suits my complexion.

Dismissed as boring, not seriously hard core or even “uncool” must be the plight of many women of a certain age, on both the ski-slopes and elsewhere. No wonder that so many resort to employing the services of a younger, good–looking, sun-tanned ski instructor.

Family you are being warned. I shall not be carrying the lip-salve, camera, euros, time or any other provisions you desire next time we ski. No, next time I’ll be off with Helmut or Stefan.

The top 5 Reasons Why Men Cheat...

Did you ever wonder what drives a man to commit adultery? Do they have no conscious? Do they just not care about their wives feelings or is there some underlying reason why a man would choose to violate his wedding vows?

Here are the top 5 reasons why men cheat on their wives:

1. Not enough sex. Men who are unsatisfied in the bedroom tend to look elsewhere. Naturally, after starting a family and meeting the daily demands of work and family obligations, many couple's sex lives change . For some men, the decrease in sex is an issue and they turn to a mistress to satisfy their unmet needs.

2. Mid life crisis. When a man reaches a certain age and starts to lose his hair, develop a beer belly and exhibit other signs of aging, he wants reassurance that he is still attractive to the opposite sex. An affair can make him feel sexy and desirable again.

3. Boredom. Some men become restless and bored and crave excitement. Having an affair can provide the danger and the "living on the edge" feeling that some men need to keep their lives interesting.

4. Not enough attention. A man whose wife devotes herself to taking care of the children may feel jaded and jealous that he no longer has his wife's undivided attention. A mistress provides him with the attention he is not getting at home.

5. His father was a cheater. Men who grew up in a household where dad cheated on mom are more likely to cheat on their wives. If this kind of behavior was something their own father engaged in, he may subconsciously feel that is acceptable to cheat.

Interestingly, most men who cheat do not want a divorce. They want the wife and family and the mistress on the side too. They only face the consequences of their actions when they get caught and their wives divorce them..Whatever the reason for a man's affair, it still does not justify betraying your spouse. All marriages hit road blocks and experience problems. It is in those moments when couples need to work together and fix their issues instead of turning to someone else to satisfy their emotional and physical needs.

KATHAKALI

Kerala Kathakali Center. Kochi.
Originally uploaded by Masha Dubrovskaya

Whilst staying in Kochi (formerly Cochin) we visited a local Arts Centre for a display of Kathakali- an art form based on dance and hand and facial movements, especially of the eyes. The actors are heavily made up, necessitating expressive eye movements, something Apprentice Man and Little Girl have spent hours trying to imitate. There are no words; only a drum beat and the lone intermittent wailing voice of a side stage singer.

The tale portrayed was from Hindu culture and told the story of attraction, seduction, betrayal and rejection. Nothing new there then!