WHO DO WE BLAME?

Well I knew it wouldn’t be long before our high divorce rate and single families were invoked as one of the reasons behind the mindless criminal rioting and violence that has gripped so many of Britain’s cities in the last few days. To quote from one source: “Many involved seemed to fit a picture of youngsters from broken families marginalised by society.”

Others of course have been identified as a teaching assistant, a chef, a graphic designer, a fork-lift truck driver, a car salesman, a university student and so the list goes on. Broken homes my foot; these people were greedy and opportunistic, rightly deserving to be punished by our criminal justice system.

MOBILE HANG UP

The “nanny state” has become a euphemism for the way our lives are controlled, reputedly in our best interests. Our current Government also claims to have placed the family high on its agenda.

An example of merging the two has just been reported from the Punjab. Its State Commission for Women has asked newly married wives to reduce the number of calls they are making on their telephones. Apparently statistics there suggest that 40% of women contemplating divorce do so because their husbands suspect them of having an affair because of all the telephone calls they are making.

Of course, there could be other reasons for those calls, not least the garrulous nature of the fairer sex and perhaps, as is traditional in India, the bride has moved to live with her husband’s family but still enjoys chatting with her own.

Still I suppose it’s an idea our current Government in its quest to preserve good old fashioned family values as well as marriages might want to explore. On second thoughts sandwiched between a Government body telling women not to use their phones and a husband accusing them of adultery, divorce might just seem an attractive alternative.

FORGET THE RECEPTION WHEN THE CONNECTION GOES

Can I wish all my readers, albeit somewhat belatedly, a very Happy New Year. Unfortunately like so many people I succumbed to a bad cold in the days leading up to Christmas. It wasn’t flu when I had it but it understandably developed into such when Outdoor Man caught it and then, come 2011, I go down with another bout of sneezing, coughing and generally feeling attacked by an onslaught of germs.

Well as you can imagine I have been struggling on regardless. The word martyr springs to mind. Still in all seriousness I did find the energy to pull a Christmas cracker on the big day. It was just as well because the joke inside was obviously intended to be read by those dealing with marital problems. So whilst the rest of the family had to giggle at puns about flying pigs or Irish patio doors, I got something that went like this:

An aerial and a lead met on top of a television set. They connected and decided to get married. The ceremony was okay whilst the reception was brilliant!

Obviously as a divorce lawyer I could write the sequel:

After a while, however, the connection wore and sparks began to fly. Eventually there was a blow up and they both went to see solicitors in January!

ROTTWEILER'S REVENGE

Not uncommonly, and as a result of a relationship breakdown, the house which a couple own and occupy together can become empty as both decide to go their separate ways and for whatever reason neither continues to live in the home pending its sale. Whilst the lawyers will invariably become involved in ensuring agreement as to how the bills are paid, one thing over which they have no control is the ongoing issue of buildings’ insurance. Although most insurers will continue to insure a property, the perils covered by the policy after a property has been vacant for a set period (commonly 30 days) reduce. Unfortunately not every couple is aware of this dramatic change in risk.

Once upon a time I advised a client working abroad for 6 months a year to check the small print of his house insurance policy after his wife vacated the house owned solely in his name. “It’s fine,” he told me, “If the in-laws torch it, throw objects at it from passing aircraft, or ask Thor to hurl thunderbolts at it, I’m covered. If they try to break in and cause malicious damage I’ve got a great big Rottweiler living there and it’s going to be hungry if I’m only home twice a year to feed it!”

STRESSFUL TIMES

I’m told that going on holiday ranks amongst life’s top ten stressful events. Yes, that choking, stifling panic that sets in affects millions of us as the big departure day approaches. In my case, with three weeks between a wet week sailing in Scottish waters and a damp week walking in the Lake District, I suppose I should know. Indeed it probably manifested itself with “blog-block” and hence the paucity of entries here last month. However if you did suffer from stress as you prepared for your annual vacation remember that it still ranks below moving home or child-birth and doesn’t even begin to compare with divorce which occupies one of the highest rankings.

Was there ever a time when human life was stress-free? I guess not. Whilst stone-age hunter gatherers may not have had blogs to write or divorce to contend with, the fear of being clubbed over the head and dragged across the plain by one’s hair must have loomed large; that and being trampled by a woolly mammoth.

THE ELECTION DEBATE

For those of you who missed the first live television election debate last night, let me describe it through the eyes of a divorce solicitor as thus:

Two chaps, Gordon and Dave, claimed their love for Britannia and their desire to support and nurture her. There was significant disagreement between them as to how to care for her in sickness and in health, and a huge sum of £6 billion was continuously mentioned.

A third chap, Nick, was the kind of boy who might appeal to Britannia’s mother. Well spoken, apparently trustworthy (or so he claimed), heart in the right place but young and perhaps naïve.

Soon it will be up to Britannia to decide. Whether she makes her decision based on looks, style or substance, allow me to predict the outcome in 4 years time: discontent and disagreement; name-calling and public pillorying; estrangement and eventually divorce.

JACK AND JILL HAPPY EVER AFTER

Someone accused me yesterday of not blogging as often as I used to. “I’ve been busy at work,” I explained.

“Too much work makes Jack a dull boy and Jill a dull girl,” I was told.

At least it set me thinking as I recalled the nursery rhyme:
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water,
Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after.
Up Jack got and home he trot as fast as he could caper.
He went to bed to mend his head, with vinegar and brown paper.

Were Jack and Jill dull together? Is that how they got on? Did she tend to his injuries and make a devoted caring nurse? Alternatively, did Jill resent Jack taking to his bed with a graze on his forehead when she was covered in painful bruises from her own fall? Was the vinegar on the pillowcase she’d only just washed and ironed the final straw, and was she off to see a divorce solicitor the next morning?

Enough of this pointless rambling, I have work to return to (and a meal to cook for Outdoor Man). Also I’m now reliably informed that the rhyme was about King Louis XVI being beheaded, with Queen Marie Antoinette not far behind. In that context, and despite the happier ending it was given for children to chant, there are times when divorce can be a preferable outcome!

THE BIG FREEZE

It started a week before Christmas when all that white stuff fell from the sky and lay and lay. It got harder as the temperature lowered. Cold and impenetrable it just sat there for two whole weeks. Then yesterday, on New Year’s Eve, there was a visible thaw and at the same time I saw our lawn or at least some blades of grass, as the blanket of snow and ice appeared to recede.

Not for long though. By 4pm it was snowing heavily and a silent, frigid atmosphere enveloped us again.

I awoke this morning to another crusty start, a bitter chill and a vast expanse of white nothingness.

2010 is starting the way 2009 finished. Who would be foolish enough to think a few clock chimes and a glass of champagne at midnight would make a difference?

BUNDLES OF JOY

The Department for Business, Innovation and Skills announced this week that couples are to get new maternity/paternity leave rights giving them greater choice and flexibility in the first year of a baby’s life. Essentially they will be able to transfer up to six months of the mother’s maternity leave to the father, which can be taken by the father once the mother has returned to work.

As every parent knows having a baby can be a stressful as well as a joyous experience, especially if juggling work and home commitments at the same time. As every divorce lawyer knows, those early months can also be so stressful that the domestic disharmony that can ensue can also lead to separation and relationship breakdown as everyone seeks to adapt to their changing roles.

So will a benefit intended to alleviate stress and difficulties, also in its own way and in some cases, make a relationship crisis even worse? Come 2011, I can well imagine the cases where one party or the other bemoans the fact that the other shirked their responsibilities by failing to take the second six months’ leave offered. Alternatively what about those mothers who might complain that they had to return to work so that their husbands could have six months at home with little Jack or Joanna, only to come home from work every day and find the house in disarray; dirty nappies everywhere and no dinner on the table or smiling hubby to greet them.

A SCENIC DETOUR

The annual summer holiday can put enormous pressures on families. Cloistered together in an unfamiliar environment the vacation in paradise can quickly turn into the holiday from hell. Last week we’d planned to sail around Scotland’s Western Isles. Outdoor Man, however, was quick to recognise that a hostile weather forecast could result in domestic disharmony and an uncomfortable time for all. A quick search using the Internet found us making a scenic detour by air to Andalucía instead. There we occupied a villa in the hills some 15 minutes from Nerja. Sitting in a mango grove, amidst a Spanish heat wave when temperatures on the Costa del Sol hit 42 degrees; no air conditioning and all the local bug life to contend with; how do you ensure that everyone continues to speak civilly to each other and you return to the UK with family life intact?

Here are my tips:

1. Keep reminding everyone they could be sailing in rain, wind and mist instead.


2. Use the pool frequently and preferably bring only one piece of flotation equipment for interest. That way everyone interacts trying to get to it.


3. Don’t lecture when someone leaves crumbs in the kitchen and the ant armies invade. Just sweep them in a line to the transgressor’s bed and he won’t do it again.


4. Hire the most underpowered car available that way it takes twice as long to get to the supermarket but on the basis that it has a climate control switch everyone cools down in the process.


5. If things get really bad, hide the return air tickets and then offer them as rewards for good behaviour.

We had an idyllic week, honestly!

With the school summer holidays upon us however many children whose parents have separated spend longer periods with or away from one or both parents. It can be difficult to think about not seeing children for weeks at a time, and the changes of routine can create stress for your kids too. Here are Resolution’s tips:

• Talk to the other parent about plans. If you disagree, make the best of things and focus on what is best for your children.


• Plan ahead. How would you like to spend time with your children and what can you do to prepare them for holidays and special occasions?


• Instead of informing children about plans, talk with them about how they would like to spend time with you.


• Build in quality time with low-key activities like visiting the park, reading a book together or playing a game. Too many exciting activities can overwhelm children and tire them out.


• Support your child’s relationship with your ex.


• If travelling with the kids, give the other parent contact information and details – you both have a right to know where your children are.


• Help children maintain consistent contact with the other parent by phone or email. Remember that children may miss their other parent.


• When your children are with the other parent, use your time to get refreshed. Visit friends, take a class, read a book or enjoy a lazy day.
  
  For more parental advice from Resolution click here
  

THE ROBOROWSKI BROTHERS

The Roborowski Brothers could be the name of an acrobatic troupe but it isn’t, or at least not as far as I’m aware. Instead it’s the name given to Little Girl’s latest pets, three dwarf hamsters whose ancestors originate from the Gobi desert. Apparently in the wild these little things run 20-25 miles a night. In our home they do the same, but on a hamster wheel. Tedious you might think and I’m sure they’d agree, if they stayed off it long enough to consider their predicament.

Instead, the pace of life for them gets quicker. They have become more accomplished, dueting together in the wheel or, when time is really pressing, with a third running behind. It’s non-stop activity 7pm-10am daily. The only break from the tedium is when petty squabbles break out among them, especially when one seems to be on that wheel continuously. We’ve been told that sometimes these little tiffs can escalate to the point where they will be unable to live in harmony together and will need to be popped into separate cages. Sounds familiar? Get off the hamster wheel!

IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH

Frequently little incidents in our lives can act as metaphors for life generally. This blog is full of them but here is another instance:

My family and I are renowned for indulging in what others might describe as team building through adversity. The recent Bank Holiday weekend was no exception. It was our first weekend spent sailing this calendar year and we set off with high expectations and the promise from the forecasters of splendid weather. Needless to say it was raining when we arrived and we promptly postponed our departure until the following morning. It dawned bright but breezy and we headed out of the harbour mouth in anticipation of perfect sailing conditions. Instead we were met by lumpy seas and squalls from the hills providing most unpleasant conditions, which I confess finally caused me to call for the bucket. At least our passage was fast and we reached our destination within 4 hours, only for Outdoor Man to announce that there was too much of a swell to anchor and we would instead head for another bay, 3 hours’ sail away!

It’s at times like these that you begin to appreciate how mutinies arise and, for more than a moment, the prospect of actually walking the gang-plank and bailing out, seemed very attractive. I didn’t; we all pulled together or even the ropes, and when we did reach that bay, it was idyllic, the sea state smooth and the sun shining.

RECEDING HEMLINES

Yesterday evening I attended Tees Valley Law Society’s Annual Dinner. It’s 2 or 3 years since I was last present and there was a definite change from the last occasion. Whilst the male dominated arena was still resplendent in its bow ties and dinner jackets, the ladies’ dresses had definitely altered. When I was last there brightly coloured, full-length, strapless evening gowns were very much the preferred garb. Last night, however, the ladies too were in sombre black and rarely did their hemlines extend below their knees. Austere times, notably after last century’s two World Wars, traditionally result in a curtailment of the volume of fabric used in women’s clothing. Presumably, therefore, last night was a definite illustration of the effects of recession and the need to cut one’s cloth accordingly. Oh dear, if the economic situation worsens then next year might find the ladies donned only in vests! I guess that’s an occasion this Darlington divorce solicitor will definitely forego.

Hemlines are not the only things that have been affected by the recession recently. Financial constraints are inevitably putting pressure on couples. As a result Relate published figures showing that its services are in increased demand but that less people are able to pay the full cost for these. Then Harriet Harman launched a booklet at an event at 11 Downing Street entitled, “Real Help Now for Women,” aimed to ensure that women know what support is available for them during the economic crisis and on the back of statistics that show that a large proportion are concerned about the effect the downturn is having on family life.

When funds are desperately needed to prop up family life, one might view the Government as considerate in authorising the printing of an extra £75 billion. I wonder how much of it is going to find its way to resolving relationship breakdowns? Not enough if the further cuts in legal aid presently being mooted and the problems in the family courts reported by the Bar Council this week, are anything to go by!

A DOWNWARD TREND

As proceedings to repossess homes for non-payment of mortgages rise in number, a timely report from the Institute for Social and Economic Research, has concluded that falling house prices lead to more couples splitting up. Indeed the report states that “the partnership dissolution decision of owner-occupier couples is particularly responsive to unanticipated adverse real house price movements compared to unexpected gains”. In other words when your major asset loses £25,000 of its value and potentially plunges you into negative equity, it puts pressure on your relationship.

However, it would appear that a decrease in house values is not all bad news for couples, well not if they are living in the rented sector anyway. In such times, those couples are more likely to stick together as the prospect of being able to buy a property together becomes more feasible.

COD WAR REKINDLED

A couple, let’s call them Ms I and Mr U.K, used to argue about fish, particularly cod. In time they learned to compromise and share. Now, however, they’ve become openly hostile again. This time it seems the issue is about money. He put some in her accounts and she is claiming that she can’t return it. As a result he’s seized everything he can of hers and isn’t giving it back. There is at least a dialogue going on, but it’s understandably heated.

In the meantime the gossipmongers have got to work and amongst the scurrilous scandal being whipped up about Ms I, I’ve heard that she eats rams’ testicles and believes in elves.

Have you ever wondered why divorce lawyers don’t have more success in resolving matters without undue acrimony?

WILL IT RAIN OR WILL IT NOT?

Constance has been on the phone again. At the beginning of the week, she walked home from work chatting to the latest man in her life, in a steamy temperature of 26 degrees. It seems they were getting along really well, and she was convinced he must like a woman prepared for all eventualities, hence the umbrella and coat she was carrying. Yesterday the atmosphere was cooler, both within the relationship and outside. Today it had dropped by more than 10 degrees and she found herself wrong-footed both in her choice of clothing (skimpy top and cotton skirt) and boyfriend’s mood. Any wonder we can’t get our relationships right when we can’t even cope with the climate?

AND THE WINNER IS...

I haven’t posted a blog entry for a few days, mainly because I was out socialising every night last week. That’s unusual for me and generally I can at least guarantee being in on a Thursday evening. Last week however I attended an awards ceremony. It began like the Oscars but without the red carpet. After drinks and a meal, the tension was mounting and when the names of the first nominees were read out there was a nervous silence before the winner was announced. We expected to see him be presented with some kind of token, if only a certificate. However, the presenter then announced that there were no prizes but the winners should come onto the stage to receive applause. A little like watching the Emperor in his new clothes the rest of the ceremony continued in the same vein with winners and non-winners both receiving fresh air.

Still, as I reflected afterwards, in some marriages the participants don’t even get applauded for their efforts, no matter how hard they try.

READING MATERIAL

Generally I like to read a book before I recommend it to anyone, but I can’t resist pointing you in the direction of “If You Want Closure In Your Relationship, Start With Your Legs: A Guide To Understanding Men,” by Big Boom. Apparently it has just won first prize in a poll for the oddest book title of the year, leaving “I Was Tortured By The Pygmy Love Queen,” by Jasper Mc Cutcheon in second place. Click here for more details.

I have checked them both out at Amazon but curiously as yet nobody has rated, reviewed or even admitted to reading them.

CAUGHT IN THE CROSS-FIRE

I’m told that yet another sick video has been posted on YouTube this week. Apparently it involves an American marine in Iraq and a puppy, and is causing widespread outrage especially from animal lovers. As a result certain areas of the media have been lashing up a debate about barbarism, the treatment of dumb animals and our reaction to it as well as double standards of morality and whether we think more about animals than people. I do not wish to get embroiled in the debate but did hear various viewpoints being aired vehemently on the radio today. Some of the comments struck a chord when they referred to victims trapped in a war zone; how the perpetrators should protect the innocent caught in the crossfire and if a warring party can’t act responsibly, then it can’t expect respect from those it abuses.

A LACK OF APPRECIATION

Despite very occasional altercations with T Bars, I regard myself as a competent skier. I accept, however, that I have no ambition to ascend to the tops of peaks using skis and skins like Outdoor and Apprentice Men, but even so I can get down anything pisted intact and with skis parallel. That my ability is unappreciated by those closest to me is somewhat obvious, especially now that Little Girl can descend faster than me.

The fact that I overtake many and more on the way down is irrelevant. I am simply unable to ski as fast as the rest of my family and have become the subject of the children’s jokes; the years spent nurturing their prowess forgotten. Instead and until either old age or an injury catches up with Outdoor Man, I am destined to bring up the rear, wearing a luminous yellow hat so that I can be easily spotted from afar and not because it is either fetching or suits my complexion.

Dismissed as boring, not seriously hard core or even “uncool” must be the plight of many women of a certain age, on both the ski-slopes and elsewhere. No wonder that so many resort to employing the services of a younger, good–looking, sun-tanned ski instructor.

Family you are being warned. I shall not be carrying the lip-salve, camera, euros, time or any other provisions you desire next time we ski. No, next time I’ll be off with Helmut or Stefan.