Why Both Men and Women Cheat....

This Friday night, Christine Brinkley's cheating ex- husband, Peter Cook is being interviewed by Barbara Walters on ABC. In sneak previews, Cook blames Brinkley for his affair, saying he did not get attention or "thank yous" for all of his efforts and felt like he was living with his sister.

This is the typical excuse for both men and women who cheat. It is just so much easier to blame your spouse than to take responsibility for your actions. However, there may be some truth here as to why a person would be tempted to cheat. Many have cited the same reason Cook has. Lack of attention, affection and feeling unappreciated. Of course this is not a valid reason to cheat. These are reasons to ask your spouse to attend martial counseling and if all else fails, ask for a divorce. Most people really do not want to get a divorce., but instead of letting their spouses know how they are feeling, they look outside of the marriage for excitement, fulfillment and love.

If your ex cheated on you it is important not to blame yourself. But the affair is almost always a symptom of a failing marriage. If you find that your spouse is acting depressed, withdrawn or complaining of lack of affection, those are red flags. Martial counseling and opening up the lines if communication may prevent an affair and save your marriage.

In a Miserable Marriage but too Afraid to Leave?

Are you suffering in silence in an unhappy marriage but can't seem to bring yourself to leave? If so you are not alone. Many women are stuck in loveless, abusive marriages yet feel paralyzed with fear at the thought of ending the relationship.

Why do women put up with emotional and physical abuse? Why do we look the other way when we find out our spouse is cheating? I think there are several answers. One is self worth. Sadly, many women are brought up to believe that they are not good enough and actually feel they deserve the abuse they experience in their marriages.

Another reason is not wanting to "rock the boat", so to speak. By standing up for themselves, they fear that their husband will leave them and then they will be alone. This is a great fear amongst women. We are so afraid to be without a man to "take care of us". You would think that in this day and age with so many women out earning men in the workplace, women would feel confident about taking care of themselves and their children. But in reality, many women still believe that they cannot make it on their own without a man's support.

If you are in an abusive, loveless marriage and are afraid to leave because you fear being alone, you need to examine if staying in a miserable marriage is better than facing the unknown and reclaiming your dignity and self-respect. It won't be easy at first and yes, it is scary to be on your own. But the benefits of calling your own shots in life and living a life of your own choosing far outweigh the temporary discomfort and fear of leaving a bad marriage.

How Low Can You Go? John Edwards Cheats on Dying Wife....

When former Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards recently confessed his extramarital affair on television, I cringed thinking about the immense pain he has caused his wife, Elizabeth. This woman is battling incurable cancer. How could he put her through this?

What goes on in the mind of a cheater? How could John Edward put his own needs first without thinking about the devastating consequences to his wife, knowing the fragile physical state she is in?

I have spoken to many people on both sides, the cheaters and the ones who have been cheated on. The cheaters usually say that they were unhappy in the marriage and were tempted by someone who made them feel special and good about themselves. They usually confess that attempted to resist the affair, but eventually succumbed to the charms and seduction of their lover. The ones who have been cheated on are shocked, sickened and feel like they have had the wind knocked out of them. Feelings of not being good enough and sexy enough plague them.

We know affairs devastate and hurt people but can you imagine what Elizabeth Edward must be going through, knowing she may not live much longer, dealing with those emotions and now having to deal with the public humiliation and betrayal her husband has caused her? It is incomprehensible.

I think anyone considering an affair needs to think about what effect your actions are going to have on your spouse. Obviously John Eward is a selfish man who will now have guilt that he will carry with him the rest of his life knowing he made his wife's last days ones of pain and misery.

How an Affair Can Shatter Your Self-Esteem...

Finding out your husband has cheated can be devastating to your self-worth and self-esteem. You torture yourself with thoughts of not being attractive enough, not being thin enough, smart enough, etc. Your brain comes up with all sorts of scenarios of what you could of or should of done differently in the marriage. These kinds of thoughts plummet your self-esteem and leave you feeling sad, hurt and depressed, sometimes feeling like you will never be loved again.

In many cases, your husband may have been emotional abusive in the marriage and called you names and even may blame you for his affair. So how can you even begin to recover emotionally from your spouse's affair, when you have become your own worst enemy and deep down don't believe you deserve to be loved?

The first thing you need to do is start changing your thoughts. When the negative chatter in your head starts, you need to counter it with a positive thought. It would be unrealistic to expect yourself to go from feeling depressed to hopeful all at once, so you must take small, baby steps to regaining your self-worth again.

For example, the next time you start thinking about the affair and how unattractive you must be for your husband to have cheated, change that thought to "Many of the world's most beautiful women, like Halle Berry and Christie Brinkley have been cheated on too. Attractiveness has nothing to so with why a man cheats". That thought feels alot better than "I am am fat and homely and that is why my husband cheated".

You may want to write down every negative belief you have about your husband's affair. List them all. Then replace each one, in writing, with a more positive one. Look at that list every day until you begin to feel better.

The worst thing you can do is to stay home and think about the affair all day long. Grab your girlfriends, get dressed up and go out for a ladies night out. Allow yourself to flirt and notice the positive male attention you receive. This can do wonders for your self-esteem. An innocent night out with your friends can lift your spirits and make you feel attractive again.

The key is to start doing things that make you feel good about yourself. Focus on your strengths and talents. Maybe there is a hobby or sport you are good at that you can take up again? Anything you can do to boost your self-esteem and self-worth will help you through this difficult time.

Should We Feel Sorry For the "Other Woman"?

There is a new book out written by a woman who has dated numerous married men. Her book is written for women who have affairs with married men. This author actually claims that the other women often suffers the most when the relationship ends.

Maybe I am biased, having dealt with my husband's crazy mistress, but I just do not have much sympathy for a woman who knowingly dates another woman's husband. I don't care what he tells you, how bad his marriage is, how unhappy he is and so on. He is still married.

Women who date married men are behaving selfishly, in my opinion. They are going to hurt others, including their lover's wife and children. I cannot see any good reason to put yourself in that kind of position. Is it low self-esteem? Do you just not care who you hurt? Do you use the excuse that you are just so "in love" that you cannot help yourself?

Granted there are marriages where one partner is miserable and feels like the marriage is over.
That is when the person who wants out needs to either go to marriage counseling or ask for a divorce. Having an affair only complicates things and hurts people.

I had a good friend several years ago who was having an affair with a married man. She begged me not to judge her, knowing that I was still reeling form my husband's affair at the time. I put my judgement s aside and tried to be supportive when she explained that her lover did not love his wife anymore and that she slept on the couch and there marriage has been over for many months, etc. After some time, it become clear that this man was not going to leave his wife and that it was more than likely his wife had no idea that their marriage was over.

My friend, the other woman, was dumped, left with the fact that she wasted almost a year in a relationship that went nowhere. In that respect, I do feel bad for women who have affairs with married men. The are in a no-win situation and their actions can only cause pain to themselves and others. But as grown women, they must understand that they are making a choice to have a relationship with someone who is not free to love them unconditionally.

I think if more women respected themselves and had higher self-esteem, a charming, sweet talking married man would not have the same effect on them and they would walk away for a potential affair.

Why Women Stay With Men Who Cheat...

The big story in the news this week is how Governor Elliot Spitzer cheated on his wife by frequenting high price prostitutes. It appears, for now, that his wife is standing by her man.

I cringed while watching the T.V footage of the Governor's confession while his poor wife stood silently by his side. Can you imagine the torment this woman going through? She is most likely in a state of shock right now and who knows if she will eventually file for divorce.

Why do some women stay with men who have betrayed them? I think there a number of reasons. Low self esteem and guilt are high on the list. Women tend to blame themselves when things go wrong. We are notorious for trying to fix problems and feel responsible for the actions and behaviors of our family members. A mother often blames herself when her child does poorly in school, for instance.

A women who discovers her husband's affair might torture herself wondering what she did wrong in the marriage to cause her husband to stray. In the case of Governor Spitzer, his wife might be wondering what was so wrong with their sex life that her husband felt the need to have sex with a call girl. What women need to understand is that their husband's infidelity was a choice he made and was not cause by anything she did. You cannot drive a man to commit adultery.

A woman may also feel guilty. Maybe she did not spend enough time with her husband or gained weight and feels he no longer finds her attractive. She becomes determined to fix her marriage and sweep the affair under the rug.

But is it emotionally healthy to stay married to a cheater? I think it depends on how the cheating husband reacts to being caught. Is he genuinely remorseful?Was it a one time occurrence? Or does he blame his wife for the affair?If he is honestly wracked with guilt and truly sorry for his actions, there may be some hope to save the marriage. But usually an affair is preceded by other martial problems that caused cracks in the marriage. If the marriage was not solid before the affair, it may be very difficult to rebuild the trust that is essential to a healthy marriage.

Time with tell if Mrs. Spitzer can ever forgive her husband. After the public humiliation she has suffered, I hope she at least takes some time out to take care of herself. She needs to explore her feelings and decide whether or not she can ever trust her husband again.

Find out how to protect yourself and your children during a divorce....

The top 5 Reasons Why Men Cheat...

Did you ever wonder what drives a man to commit adultery? Do they have no conscious? Do they just not care about their wives feelings or is there some underlying reason why a man would choose to violate his wedding vows?

Here are the top 5 reasons why men cheat on their wives:

1. Not enough sex. Men who are unsatisfied in the bedroom tend to look elsewhere. Naturally, after starting a family and meeting the daily demands of work and family obligations, many couple's sex lives change . For some men, the decrease in sex is an issue and they turn to a mistress to satisfy their unmet needs.

2. Mid life crisis. When a man reaches a certain age and starts to lose his hair, develop a beer belly and exhibit other signs of aging, he wants reassurance that he is still attractive to the opposite sex. An affair can make him feel sexy and desirable again.

3. Boredom. Some men become restless and bored and crave excitement. Having an affair can provide the danger and the "living on the edge" feeling that some men need to keep their lives interesting.

4. Not enough attention. A man whose wife devotes herself to taking care of the children may feel jaded and jealous that he no longer has his wife's undivided attention. A mistress provides him with the attention he is not getting at home.

5. His father was a cheater. Men who grew up in a household where dad cheated on mom are more likely to cheat on their wives. If this kind of behavior was something their own father engaged in, he may subconsciously feel that is acceptable to cheat.

Interestingly, most men who cheat do not want a divorce. They want the wife and family and the mistress on the side too. They only face the consequences of their actions when they get caught and their wives divorce them..Whatever the reason for a man's affair, it still does not justify betraying your spouse. All marriages hit road blocks and experience problems. It is in those moments when couples need to work together and fix their issues instead of turning to someone else to satisfy their emotional and physical needs.

Is Your Marriage Worth Saving After An Affair?

Looking back, I can now pinpoint when my marriage began to unravel. I was oblivious to the warning signs that my marriage was heading toward divorce. I missed many critical signs. Because of my own inability to see the truth, I was completely blindsided when I found out my husband was having an affair. I was shocked and stunned by his betrayal.For me, saving our marriage was not an option. The one thing I could not tolerate was a husband who cheated. All trust between us had been broken.

But some couples can and do recover from infidelity in their marriage. Can you really get over your spouse's affair? Will your marriage ever be the same? The answer to these questions will depend on many factors. Some couples may be able to forgive and rebuild their marriage after an affair with the help of a good marriage therapist, lots of open communication and the ability of the spouse who has been cheated on to look past the affair and forgive.

The underlying issue will always be a matter of trust. Trusting a spouse who has cheated takes time, love and a deep commitment to save the marriage. Once martial vows have been shattered by an affair, it will take hard work from both partners to repair the damage that has been done. With some soul searching and by trusting your own intuition, you will know whether or not it is worth it to take the long, difficult road toward saving your marriage after an affair.

The Main Causes Of Divorce


There are no absolutely reliable figures on how many of us divorce. Several states, including California, don’t keep a tally of divorces. That makes any truly nationwide numbers impossible to calculate. Still, a number of organizations and agencies try to figure it out.

For many years the U.S. Census Bureau said that 50% of all marriages in the United States ended in divorce. Several years ago the National Center for Health Statistics revised that figure down to 43%. In 2002 the Census Bureau pushed it back up to 50%, but a recent New York Times survey puts the figure at 40%. From these figures it’s easy to see that no one knows the exact number, but clearly the fact is that a lot of us divorce.

But why do we divorce?
Because we are no longer friends?
If so, what killed the friendship?

It’s easy to say that a marriage failed because of an affair, or a lie, or some other breakdown. But what caused the breakdown? In most divorces there is a trigger, then there are reasons for the trigger, and finally there are underlying causes. Affairs and abuse can comprise all three factors: trigger, reason, and cause. Most surveys find that affairs and abuse taken together cause 45% to 55% of all divorces. Affairs are usually listed as causing anywhere from 25% to 34% of all divorces. In most polls 15% to 20% of all surveyed mention abuse as the main reason for their breakups.

Catching a Cheater

Should you spy on your spouse if you suspect he is having an affair? This can be a loaded question. Are you prepared for what you might uncover? Can you handle finding proof that your husband is cheating? What if you are wrong, are you prepared for the consequences of your husband finding out you are spying on him?

Be sure to answer these questions very carefully before deciding to act on your suspicions. Finding out your husband is having an affair is an emotionally devastating experience. If you decide to investigate, make sure you prepare yourself ahead of time for the worst case scenario.

Thanks to the Internet you can now be your own detective and purchase special tools to help you catch a cheater. According to http://www.chatcheaters.com there is array of high tech spy equipment to monitor your spouses every move.

Here are few available for purchase from their website:

1. Spy Software-you can install one on your husband’s computer and record everything he does. Some of these programs even install remotely

2. You can get a GPS recording device and place it into your husband’s trunk. You will be able to track your husband’s whereabouts, including the exact location on a street map and the time of day he was there. It records for up to 18 days.

3. How about this crazy gadget- a voice changer. You can buy this device and it will actually change your voice over the phone. This way you can call those numbers on your husband’s cell phone and pretend to be someone else to gather information.

4.There is even a portable lie detector. I am not sure how you would convince your husband to use it, although if he refuses this could be a sign of guilt.

5. If you husband is getting frequent emails from the same email address, you can use "The Email Tracer", it finds the identify of the sender of the email

Before you rush out and buy any of these gadgets, make sure you are comfortable morally and ethically with spying on your husband. Trust your gut instincts, if this kind of investigation makes you feel uncomfortable, then don’t do it. Confronting your husband and seeing what his reaction is might be a better option. Deep down you will know if he is telling you the truth, we are built with the most powerful lie detector in the world, our own intuition.