A 2 FOR 1 INSTALMENT

Last week two stories captured my attention:

The first was the saga of France banning the mention of Facebook and Twitter on television. There has, of course, been a growth in divorces involving the use of social media networks. Indeed I have known clients complain about the amount of time their spouse spends on such sites; I have also been involved in cases where through such sites one half of a married couple has re-kindled a relationship with someone from their past or where, in a blatant and yet cowardly announcement, one spouse has made clear in their status or tweet that they are not where or even with whom they told their spouse they would be! The French authorities, however, seemingly have little interest in the double lives of their citizens and are instead looking to ban covert advertising whereby presenters send viewers to a specific social media networking page. Nonetheless could such a step help to reverse increasing divorce statistics? I don’t think so. Unless they suffer from amnesia and need reminding about the existence of these sites by the large screen in the corner of their living room every so often, worried wives or suspicious husbands are clearly going to continue the task of internet stalking.

The second story concerned a British couple who are planning to take two years out of their ordinary lives to marry in thirty different countries around the world before returning to the UK to go through an official ceremony. Now it is often said that marriage is quick and easy in this country and divorce too long and difficult. I wonder what would happen if it became a uniform requirement that all couples take two years to marry and traipse around the globe whilst doing so? Certainly divorce would begin to look quick and easy in comparison!

ALTERNATIVE VOTING

Divorce lawyers are well used to change. Amendments to the law usually reflect changes in social attitudes and behaviour. Inundated with recent changes in practice and procedure, however, we are now waiting to see whether the country is ready for Alternative Voting. The referendum is tomorrow and the electorate is invited to indicate whether it wants to choose its MP by a process of elimination. Frequently described as a means of ensuring that nobody gets their first choice, can you imagine what will happen if it becomes a general social trend? Indeed what would happen if we begin to choose our soul mates for life using the system? With a choice of potential suitors, forget plucking the petals from a daisy as you chant, “He loves me, he loves me not.” Instead put it to the vote of family and friends; go the whole hog and use AV rather than the traditional first past the post system. As a result, according to the No Lobby, hardly anyone will end up with the one they really want. Little wonder divorce lawyers are awaiting the result of this referendum with eager anticipation.

NO VACATION

I returned from holiday on Friday to find the country immersed in Royal Wedding mania and inundated by media coverage. Getting home too late in the day to watch the proceedings live, I had not envisaged that it would be quite so easy to catch up on the minute by minute details of the big day nor indeed so difficult to find anything else to watch on television. Every channel and every news bulletin appeared swamped by a plethora of pomp and procession. I quickly learnt from the various expert commentators that there would be a plague of copy cat weddings taking place not only in churches in this country but globally; ivory lace, trees in aisles, strawberry plants and Jerusalem will be the order of the day, together with chocolate biscuit wedding cakes.

I also learnt that only the groom knew the honeymoon destination although there was some comment that in these economically constrained times it would be appropriate for it to be a staycation here in the UK rather than a stay in an exotic, foreign location. It was probably sensible advice. The number of people marrying on tropical beaches has no doubt pushed up the cost of a wedding in recent years. Affordable if you have the savings to pay for it or a life time together to discharge the credit card interest. Divorce lawyers, however, see those cases where a marriage breaks down too quickly and the only financial legacy to show for it are the wedding photos and a large debt. Unsurprisingly neither party ever wants either of them.

Of greater surprise this weekend though was the announcement that the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge (as I was told they now are) will not be taking an immediate honeymoon after all. Forget the staycation it’s a no vacation, allowing the groom to return to work as soon as possible, though I doubt if it’s through financial necessity.

Outdoor Man and I of course set the precedent for the no vacation honeymoon marrying the day before a Bank Holiday weekend and then, as I recall, spending the weekend anti-fouling his boat! Still we remain together 24 years later, so perhaps it’s a good omen and a trend that might now catch on.

NOT TONIGHT DEAR

Now I appreciate that it may be unlikely but if you are in the middle of a divorce, or even thinking about one, whilst travelling to Nepal with your soon-to-be ex, read on. News has broken that Nepal’s highest court has just ruled that where spouses are both imprisoned, they should be jailed together to preserve their conjugal rights. Apparently the right for citizens to reproduce is enshrined in the country’s interim constitution. Oh dear, could that be a headache the “not tonight dear” half of the duo is developing?

THE GEORDIE MATING SONG

I was recently asked why it is that marriage remains so popular in the North East of England (and with it divorce) when our counterparts in the South East are opting to live together rather than wed. It could be that Geordies are intrinsically more romantic, but, after watching this video on You Tube, I'm not convinced.

GIVE ME THE CHOCOLATES ANY DAY

Not everyone’s idea of romance but at the Bronx Zoo in New York they are offering you the chance of naming a cockroach after your loved one. “Chocolates melt. Roaches are forever,” the zoo’s website says.

Forgive me, but who would you ever confide that romantic gesture to, apart from a divorce lawyer?

DONE UP LIKE A KIPPER

Now this might not work for every wife but if your relationship has taken a bit of a dive lately you may be able to resurrect it by getting your husband elected to the House of Commons and then preferably as Speaker. According to the Speaker’s wife, Sally Bercow, in an interview for the Evening Standard, “living under Big Ben with the bells chiming” is “sexy.” Also and whilst you might be somewhat concerned that other women will “hit on him,” it seems that life might have its recompenses as more men will hit on you too! Mind I’m not sure that I’d want to be “done up like a kipper,” but do wonder if you can get the same effect from a grandfather clock and election to the local Parish Council.

FORGET THE RECEPTION WHEN THE CONNECTION GOES

Can I wish all my readers, albeit somewhat belatedly, a very Happy New Year. Unfortunately like so many people I succumbed to a bad cold in the days leading up to Christmas. It wasn’t flu when I had it but it understandably developed into such when Outdoor Man caught it and then, come 2011, I go down with another bout of sneezing, coughing and generally feeling attacked by an onslaught of germs.

Well as you can imagine I have been struggling on regardless. The word martyr springs to mind. Still in all seriousness I did find the energy to pull a Christmas cracker on the big day. It was just as well because the joke inside was obviously intended to be read by those dealing with marital problems. So whilst the rest of the family had to giggle at puns about flying pigs or Irish patio doors, I got something that went like this:

An aerial and a lead met on top of a television set. They connected and decided to get married. The ceremony was okay whilst the reception was brilliant!

Obviously as a divorce lawyer I could write the sequel:

After a while, however, the connection wore and sparks began to fly. Eventually there was a blow up and they both went to see solicitors in January!

MISTAKEN ATTRACTION

On Sunday, Outdoor Man and I went walking on the North Yorkshire Moors. All week I had watched the hills glistening under a cover of snow and the trip followed an idealised notion on my part that I fancied walking on it. How ridiculous; after all it is only 2 weeks since that blanket that had lain for a full 5 weeks right on my doorstep finally melted. However, clearly a fortnight is all it takes to make me forget the bitter cold, the slipping as I trod gingerly across thick ice, the wet gloves (from the snowballs) and the tingling to my nose and cheeks as they peeped out from between layers of wool and Gore-Tex. Oh it certainly looked pretty but we didn’t get far before I felt I had earned a right to complain and moan about my stupidity.

Why is it that so many people are condemned to a romantic notion of attraction, never learning from previous experiences but instead repeating them?

HUMAN BED-WARMERS

I was asked a strange question today. As a divorce lawyer where do I stand on Holiday Inn’s announcement that it is to trial human bed-warmers?

To be honest, I never thought that I was obliged to take a stance on this issue. However, as someone who has recently taken to wearing socks in bed when temperatures have plummeted, it occurs to me that maybe I should have a view.

On reflection I can understand why the question was posed. The element of suspicion that might be engendered when one spouse returns from a business trip to tell their partner how the bed was warmed for them by a god or goddess dressed from top to toe in fleece, could theoretically be damaging for their relationship. However, Holiday Inn has given assurances that the bed-warmers will leave before the guests snuggle down between the sheets, so I do think it would be unfair for anyone to suggest otherwise.

Nonetheless and after careful consideration, I am going to say that I do think Holiday Inn by its actions could inadvertently risk increasing the divorce rate. After all, a bed that’s cosy from head to foot avoids the need for a couple to snuggle up together. Now what is that going to do for romance and those couples looking to rekindle lost feelings? There has to be a risk that this practice, if fully implemented across the complete chain of Holiday Inn’s hotels, could add to the number of failed marriages.

Come to think of it will our political parties with their love of legislation and currently vying with each other on ways to keep marriages intact, soon add to their manifestoes a bill to outlaw the art of bed-warming? Banning electric blankets, hot water bottles and humans dressed in fleece might still do nothing for their ratings but it will keep me in my socks for a little longer.

MARRIED OR NOT?

After hearing evidence and watching the DVD of the wedding of Gillian Hudson and Robert Leigh in South Africa, Mr Justice Bodey sitting in the High Court commented that it was a splendid and romantic ceremony. Apparently it took place on a rooftop complete with priest, full wedding trousseau, well dressed guests and the sea as a perfect backdrop. The Judge however ruled last week that nevertheless the couple were not married.

It seems that, sense of occasion apart, the couple, who had also intended to have a civil ceremony in Chiswick Register Office, separated before they could get there and the format of the ceremony they undertook was insufficient for the court to determine the existence of a valid contract of marriage. Unfortunately for Miss Hudson that means that she cannot divorce Mr Leigh and her financial claims against him are now essentially limited to support for their child and not for her.

Weddings have changed greatly over recent years with many no longer held in church but at non-traditional venues such as hotels, stately homes and even football pitches. This trend for personalising weddings has been fuelled by TV shows, such as “Gavin and Stacey”, where, as part of the ceremony, characters have quoted their own declarations of love to demonstrate the depth of their feelings.

In olden times it was accepted that jumping over the broom together was sufficient to form a common-law marriage. In England today all marriages must conform to statute law and the idea of a common law marriage is a myth. You can jump over the broom with whomever you choose, in as many romantic settings as you want but, at the end of the day if the necessary formalities are not complied with, you remain unmarried in law.

Furthermore if you are not married and your relationship breaks down, financial claims are severely limited, if not non-existent. That’s why Resolution continues to campaign for a change in the law in this area

17 AGAIN

Yesterday Little Girl cajoled me into taking her and a friend to the cinema to see what I understood to be a teenage film.

“Don’t you dare snore,” Little Girl whispered as we entered the entertainment complex. “It’s a comedy,” she added as an afterthought, “And whatever you do don’t cry.” That of course is my forte when watching a film.

I strolled into Screen 3 accompanied by my two young companions each clutching a bag of pop-corn. I expected to be bored to the limit but was pleasantly surprised when "17 Again" turned out to be about a divorce; more than co-incidence you might think, though Little Girl denied it.

Needless to say the storyline struck a chord and I found myself choking back the tears at the divorce hearing which only proves that even long-standing divorce lawyers are never inured to the process.

Whilst it wasn’t a movie that I would necessarily recommend to anyone over the age of 17, least of all if you are actually going through a divorce. There was, however, a strong moral message which may be of interest to those only in the process of considering separation. Married young, he blamed her for holding him back for 20 years and denying his opportunity to play college basketball; she him for not appreciating her for what she was. Against the background of divorce papers and a nostalgic trip back in time, however, there was a realisation as to why they had married in the first place and what it was that was really important to them both. With the benefit of hindsight, they had no wish to change their marital set up after all.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I1Npfw6QvVo&feature=fvst

A TASK FOR CUPID

Valentine's Day tomorrow and, in anticipation, two sets of statistics in the media today caught my eye, both clearly designed to spoil the romance of the occasion.

First The Times reproduced figures from the Office for National Statistics to show that if you are married and living in the UK you are in a minority. The cynic in you might think that this is as a result of our high divorce rate, but in fact it apparently has more to do with the shrinking number of people marrying in the first place. The article seeks to explore possible reasons for this, including the high cost of a traditional wedding or childhood experiences from parents divorcing putting off would-be spouses

However the results of a survey in Croatia may inadvertently have revealed the answer. Apparently 40% of people in Croatia tell their partners that they are terminating their relationship using a mobile phone. Even more cowardly, more than half of those do it by SMS rather than speaking. Assuming the statistics are similar in the UK, maybe ditching one’s partner has just got too easy, now that it doesn’t even have to be done face to face.

It seems to me that Cupid is going to need more than a bow and arrow tomorrow. Somehow he has to learn to confiscate mobile phones and find a way to get all those lovers to the altar.

THE OLYMPIC GAMES

The Olympic Games' Opening Ceremony in Beijing this evening was a showpiece, celebrating the union of the young of the world as they gathered in the presence of 90,000 invited guests and onlookers. It was not a coincidence that today was also the luckiest day of the century in China and that the Olympic Ceremony starting at 8pm shared the day with countless Chinese couples all looking to tie the knot on 8.8.08.

Let us hope that something which began with a ceremony of such extravaganza and is to take place under a flame of passion draws on the good luck charm of the date and that the oath by the participants to show each other respect and not to cheat is a lasting one.

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST

The touring production of Beauty and the Beast is being performed in Darlington this week, so Little Girl and I treated ourselves to a night at the theatre yesterday evening to see it. The title alone could of course, be misconstrued as a nasty divorce case. As everyone will know, the storyline concentrates on not judging by appearances and there being good things inside ugly packages. Mind I couldn’t help wondering if it really did all end happily. Arrogant, selfish Prince, becomes angry selfish Beast, becomes good-looking inevitably still selfish Prince.

“And they both lived happily ever after” is maybe the biggest fairy story of all!

THE ENFORCEMENT OF ROMANCE

Under Iranian law a husband apparently pledges a gift to his wife on marriage known as a “mahr”. She can claim delivery of it at anytime during the marriage or else in the event of divorce. It is reported that an Iranian court today made an order under this law requiring a husband to comply with his promise of ten years ago to deliver 124,000 red roses to his wife and has seized his apartment until he does so.

Inevitably court decisions of this nature raise eyebrows amongst lawyers here, unused to such gestures of romance or laws to enforce them. In particular, how has enforcement of this pledge by means of court proceedings affected the marriage and where will the wife put the 124,000 roses when she receives them?

If such a remedy was available in this country would women prefer the contents of their local garden centres to divorce and the delivery up of the home?

THE LURE OF YEAST

It was announced last week that 600,000 jars of marmite laced with champagne and sporting a romantic message on the label are to be released in readiness for Valentine’s Day. Just one problem, who, apart from Outdoor Man, eats the stuff? If there are others, do their partners share my abhorrence of the taste and smell?

I predict an influx of new divorce cases on February 14th if certain spouses, including my own, get carried away and try to serve their loved one marmite on toast with a red rose for breakfast on the Big Day.

THE FIFTEEN STREETS

Yesterday evening I went to see an adaptation of Catherine Cookson’s “The Fifteen Streets” at Darlington Civic Theatre. I confess that I have never read a Catherine Cookson novel, but Latimer Hinks was one of the joint sponsors of the production and I was happy to attend. With my roots very firmly in the North East I was confident that I would find some empathy with a storyline set in the docklands of Tyneside during the early part of last century. I was not disappointed; with family infighting, verbal and physical abuse, a fatal accident, romance outside of the class structure, the subjugation of women, miscarriage, hunger, poverty, and a teenage pregnancy, the tale appeared to have everything. Or did it? Of course, there was no divorce. For the inhabitants of the Fifteen Streets life was incredibly harsh and whilst they had most things to worry or gossip about, in the times of Catherine Cookson’s youth, divorce was not one of them. I hesitate to guess that if she was gaining material for her novels today, they would have a different inclination.

THE PERFECT ILLUSION

Recently I blogged about my friend Constance and her belief that she would find perfect love in only a particular looking man. I don’t think Constance is alone. An old school friend seems stuck in a time warp. He came to stay the other weekend. He and his wife divorced the best part of twenty years ago but he’s so obviously seeking a companion that resembles her, it’s unreal. Worse still, he seems to have forgotten that he’s aged in the meantime and the woman he’s seeking is someone who resembles his wife as she was and not as she presumably now is. Seems he has this vision of perfection and nothing can sway him from it. Unconsciously he’s projecting his idea of perfection onto anyone who looks like her. It’s like worshipping statues on pedestals or Roman idols. Talk of fixed head sets! Worse still when his various liaisons don’t live up to his expectations, he blames them not himself.

For any long-term relationship to work, you can’t have illusions, particularly not those to the effect that your partner is perfection personified. That’s why Outdoor Man and I get along so well; we totally disillusioned each other years ago!