WHO DO WE BLAME?

Well I knew it wouldn’t be long before our high divorce rate and single families were invoked as one of the reasons behind the mindless criminal rioting and violence that has gripped so many of Britain’s cities in the last few days. To quote from one source: “Many involved seemed to fit a picture of youngsters from broken families marginalised by society.”

Others of course have been identified as a teaching assistant, a chef, a graphic designer, a fork-lift truck driver, a car salesman, a university student and so the list goes on. Broken homes my foot; these people were greedy and opportunistic, rightly deserving to be punished by our criminal justice system.

SHARE AND SHARE ALIKE

Once upon a time in the days before mobile phones and the internet, indeed in an era when nobody could ever have imagined legislation such as The Shared Parental Orders Bill, an old family lawyer told me: “Don’t be fooled. If God had wanted parents to share the care of their children after separation He’d have made the world in 7 days and with an 8th for rest, they could then have each had 4 days with their offspring.”

How times have changed, although we do still have a seven day week but, even where parents divide up time with their kids on 14 day cycles, some children never know where they are going to be next. Homework, gym kit and school shoes are regularly left in the wrong house and we end up with a doubling up of all kinds of paraphernalia including an assorted menagerie of pets, pens and petticoats. Arrangements that work in some families don’t work in others; for some the dates and times are regimented and work like clockwork for others there is a permanent state of confusion, blissful or worrying depending upon the individuals concerned.

We have reached a situation where a colleague who practises in a different part of the country confessed that shared residence orders are handed out like sweeties in her local court, contrasting sharply with some of the District Judges I have appeared before who have insisted that a child must know where its permanent home is.

Unable to split the week properly in half, dividing children equally begins to sound a little like the Wisdom of Solomon. Hats off therefore to Gingerbread and One Plus One who published a report today with the timely reminder, not least to those about to consider that Shared Parental Orders Bill, that what is of paramount importance is the welfare of children. Their interests are the number one priority and they cannot be determined by any legal presumption in favour of shared care, especially if enshrining such a presumption into legislation enhances it to the status of a parental right. Tough conclusions but where the happiness and well-being of children are concerned, the idea of parental rights has to take second place.

MOTHER'S DAY

Mother’s Day here in the UK today and another date on the calendar for arguing about who should have the children. Mum of course needs to see them because it’s important to her on this the most special of days and, no matter that the children may have been under her feet all week, it’s time for Sunday lunch together which, of course, she will have to cook. Dad of course claims it’s his day for contact and anyway the children have always seen his own Mum, their grandmother, on this red letter day and it’s important now they’re separated to keep some normality going for the sake of the kids.

Envy instead the family where, despite everything, Dad insists they spend time with Mum. She agreed he should see them yesterday whatever and he made a detour to a garden centre with the children to pick up flowers for them to give her. She may be his ex-wife but the children still love her and he’s determined that they show her respect. Maybe she’ll reciprocate when Father’s Day comes round in June. If not, hey ho, he’s at least kept his dignity, as well as the moral high ground.

FAMILY JUSTICE?

The Family Justice Review published an interim report today. It’s 232 pages long and responses are required to the consultation questionnaire by 23rd June.

Buried deep in the report is the recognition that grandparents can have an important role to play in a child’s life and that, so far as practicable, a child should continue to have a relationship with them regardless of parental separation. There is also recognition that there should be a presumption in favour of shared parenting.

The report does not, as some journalists were initially suggesting, change the law and if anything recognises that family dynamics are inevitably complex especially following relationship breakdown, meaning that a one size fits all approach is never appropriate. Needless to say it is already being criticised by some fathers’ groups for failing to go far enough (sharing the responsibility of parenting isn’t the same as equalising time between parents) and sadly for grandparents it suggests that there will be a continuing need for them to seek leave of the court before making an application; so there are no deemed presumptions or recommended procedural changes there either. The trouble is the rhetoric always sounds fine; dealing with the reality, as any family justice professional will vouch, is a different matter.

A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME

The Pope’s plea this week for a return to old fashioned christian names had a certain resonance for divorce practitioners. That is not, I’m quick to add, because I believe everyone should be called Mary or Joseph or that the spirit of inventiveness and innovation should be reined in but rather to make my own life easier.

Listening to local radio there were tales of children being called Vauxhall Nova and Pocahontas O’Reilly, although as any divorce lawyer will tell you they would inevitably be spelled Vorkshall and Pokahontass. You see one of the things that they never teach you at Law School, but you learn on your very first few days in an office, is that you have to ask your client to spell out the name for every member of their family.

It is inevitable that there will be variations in the spelling of Rachael, Sean and let’s not even start with Vivienne. I have however been caught out by Shardonnay and Chevaun in the past and please tell me how on earth I am meant to know that a wife’s middle name is Rows and not Rose?

ALL RISE

Mr Justice Coleridge made a speech this morning to the Association of Lawyers for Children. In it he expressed his concern that there is a creeping tendency towards disrespect for court orders in family proceedings especially in so far as they relate to contact with children. As we might expect from Mr Justice Coleridge he wasn’t shy in putting forward innovative solutions to this disturbing trend. Whilst Judges re-donning their robes might sound like a backwards step and removing carpets and houseplants from courtrooms would suggest he hasn’t visited my local County Court, his “three breaches and the child transfers place of residence” could have a certain resonance. He also criticised the extent to which the wishes and feelings of the children themselves are taken into account reminding the audience that the court, not the child, must make the decision.

“Times demand more open discussion and debate,” he insisted.

I do believe that the learned Judge has a point. So,if a suggestion box is called for and we’re aiming for a nostalgia trip, let’s start it off here and now:

1. On the basis that Parenting Information Sessions are being increasingly embraced, let’s add to them with defaulting parents being asked to do detention and copy out “lines” from their last session.


2. If the excuse used for a lack of contact relates to the child suffering from a cough, cold or other minor ailment, three spoonfuls of cod liver oil sounds like an appropriate remedy; for the parent that is and not for the child who will of course have made a miraculous recovery, once the due hour for collection has passed.


3. If men in suits, or even Judges’ robes aren’t deemed frightening enough, let’s add open court hearings with a baying public gallery, horsehair wigs and even gavels for sound effects.


4. Oh and what about throwing away the cushioned seats and bringing back all those hard wooden benches that used to adorn our courts? Especially useful if we return to waiting 3 or 4 hours for a case to be called.


5. Scope for deportation to one of our former foreign colonies on the other side of the world? Maybe not, after all the line will have to be drawn somewhere.
   

CHRISTMAS IS COMING

Guess what? Christmas is coming again! How on earth have I sussed out this amazing fact before anyone else? It must be something to do with being a divorce lawyer I guess and not at all because of the tinsel and flashing lights that have begun to adorn Darlington not to mention the Santa Clauses in the shop windows. Sadly it’s that time of year when solicitors’ offices are besieged by enquiries from estranged parents about Christmas contact. It may shortly be the season of goodwill but there’s a surfeit of malice and vindictiveness in the air when one parent seeks to deny the other contact with their children without good cause. Contact with both parents is the right of every child and it should only be curtailed or severed where, in the most serious of circumstances, this is necessary to protect the child. How many times do we hear people say Christmas is for the children? So come on let’s all have a very happy yuletide, stop the bickering and let them enjoy quality time with each of you.

CONDEMNED

After tonight’s headlines to the effect that student tuition fees could rise to £7,000 per annum, I wonder how many students regret that day in May when they cast their vote in favour of the Liberal Democrats. Weren’t they promising to abolish tuition fees altogether? Funny how once in power policies can change. It’s what’s commonly known as betrayal and somehow we accept that it’s what politicians do.

The closer to home however that trust is betrayed, the less accepting we are of it and the greater the emotional effect upon us. Friends and work colleagues stab us in the back and misery ensues. When spouses or partners leave to set up home with another person, emotions run riot. As William Congreve wrote: “Hell has no rage like love to hatred turned. Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned.”

Just like the about-turn on university tuition fees, the ones who suffer are the next generation; those who were too young to cast a vote at the ballot-box or have a say when their parents broke up in anger and torment. They are the ones who will pay the price and, if the government implements this recommendation as appears likely, the ones who have been ConDemned.

MEET THE CHILDREN

Guidelines for judges meeting children in family proceedings were issued last month. Reading them, I have to acknowledge how much more sophisticated proceedings are now than when, once upon a time and more years ago than I can properly remember, I first started to frequent court as an eager trainee. I do recall, however, one instance when a senior Judge insisted on seeing a young child alone in a dispute over custody. Both parents were claiming that the child wanted to live with them to the exclusion of the other and, the child having lived happily with the mother for several years, the Judge was determined to get to the bottom of the father’s claim that she had changed her mind. The meeting took place in the Judge’s Chambers in private with a Court Welfare Officer present. In due course the Judge emerged and triumphantly declared that he had solved the puzzle and the child would not be changing homes. It seemed that her father had attempted to bribe her with the promise of a holiday in the exotic location of Skegness, if she moved to live with him.

Of concern at the time, however, was then whether or not the child was scarred by her experience of seeing the Judge. Not at all. She was overheard giggling with delight at seeing Father Christmas in November rather than December, though she did ask her mother if he always wore black and purple rather than red when he wasn’t riding in his sleigh!

PARTICIPANTS NEEDED FOR DIVORCE AND CUSTODY DISPUTE STUDY

I have been contacted on behalf of Dr. Julie Ancis, a professor of Counselling Psychology at Georgia State University in the USA, who is studying women’s experiences with divorce and custody disputes. The purpose of this research is to gain an understanding of women’s experiences within the legal system. Individual interviews are being conducted with participants, and will cover topics such as interactions with attorneys, judges, and guardian ad litems; coping; and parenting issues. Interviews are confidential and tend to last between 1 ½ to 2 1/2 hours. With the knowledge gained through this study, Dr Ancis would like to educate those in the court systems and health professionals about the unique challenges that women may face in divorce and custody disputes. The university may pursue a study about men’s experiences at a future date. If you have relevant experience and are willing to participate in the survey, Dr. Julie Ancis can be contacted at cpsjra@langate.gsu.edu

HENRY MOORE AT THE TATE

I have long admired Henry Moore’s sculptures. Like that of all great artists, his work has always struck me as being ahead of its time. Hence, whilst in London on Sunday, I took the opportunity to visit the Henry Moore Exhibition at the Tate. It was a chance to appreciate how a great sculptor developed, from carving images akin to those made by ancient Mexican natives, to things more angular and visually disturbing as he lived through the war years.

All great items of beauty, and throughout it all the theme of nursing mothers pervaded; not in families, just single mothers with a child.

DEAR SANTA

Dear Santa

Thank you so much for the two Nintendo Wiis, the two black Labrador pups and the two complete works of William Shakespeare that you brought me last year. It was very kind of you, but after the two Siamese kittens, the two X boxes and the two complete sets of the Encyclopaedia Britannia the year before, I had rather hoped that you might have delivered different gifts to my parents’ separate homes. Of course, they were both very excited to each see me open my gifts but as you will appreciate it was very difficult for me to keep the enthusiasm going for their benefit.

Also neither was happy not to have outdone the other, although Mum was gutted to discover that my stocking at Dad’s house had an I-Tunes voucher in it, when there were only nuts and sweets in the one I hung from her mantelpiece; maybe the second one fell in the fire as you were coming down her chimney. Mind Dad was equally displeased when he learned that John, my Mum’s boyfriend, had given me a DVD player. So, if there’s anything from him this year, can you just leave it in your sleigh and give it to someone whose parents are still together.

Just so you know I’m at Dad’s on Christmas morning this year and then as soon as we’ve eaten dinner I dash to Mum’s for 2.30 pm and dinner with her. That said I don’t actually like cooked carrots, parsnips or brussel sprouts, and especially not twice in one day. If, therefore, your reindeers are feeling peckish they would be doing me a big favour if they’d eat those, rather than helping you with the mince pies.

Oh but please help yourself to as much as you fancy of the sherry that Mum leaves out for you. She can get very maudlin after she’s had a drop or two and then starts to cry about the divorce and how it’s spoilt Christmas for her.

Also, and I don’t know how this works but if it’s possible to give Dad some cash in his stocking I’d be grateful. That way he can give Mum the maintenance that she says he owes and she won’t threaten to stop our contact.

Finally if you get a chance to sprinkle any of that Christmas magic you bring with you, can you stop my parents arguing when Dad drops me off? It gets quite embarrassing the way they yell at each other in the street, especially when they are wearing paper party hats!

Yours sincerely
Name deleted to protect anonymity

xxx

ON BBC THREE

The National Council for One Parent Families says about three million children today in the UK have experienced the trauma of their parents separating, and a million of them never see one of their parents again, usually the father. Tonight at 9pm Alesha Dixon presents a new programme on BBC 3 called “Whose your Daddy.” Coming from a single parent family herself she describes her own experiences on the BBC website in advance of the programme and argues that it’s really important for both parents to be active in some way in their children’s lives

IN THEIR BEST INTERESTS

The newspapers were quick today to report two court decisions yesterday where the best interests of children formed the core of the judgments. Both served to demonstrate what a difficult quest it can be for a Judge in determining best interests when sometimes there can be a very fine line between the available options.

In the first case the Supreme Court acted to reverse earlier decisions made in the Court of Appeal and High Court thus enabling a 3 year old child to remain in the care of his grandmother who had looked after him very much since birth, rather than move to live with his natural father. In the second, the Court of Appeal has refused leave to appeal to a mother who has been ordered to hand over her 11 year old son to the care of his father against, it was argued, the child’s wishes. The boy is reported as being vehemently opposed to seeing his father, but his guardian for the purpose of the court proceedings and a child psychiatrist agree that he is suffering emotional harm by being estranged from his father as a result of his mother’s attitude.

One has to wonder, when you see criticism levelled at the courts about decisions of this kind, why they are always expected to get it right when parents, who are also entrusted with the best care of their children, don’t.

STAGGERING

“Staggering,” is the best description I can give to the results of a survey published today by family lawyers at London law Firm, Mishcon de Reya. The study of over 4,000 parents was commissioned by the firm to mark the 20th anniversary of the Children Act, implemented in November 1989.

Whilst seventy per cent of parents quizzed by the law firm cited their child’s welfare as the main priority during separation, the results also showed that:
Children said they felt used (19 percent), isolated (38 percent) and alone (37 percent).
Many admitted they turned to drink and drugs, played truant from school or self harmed.

For 38 percent of children the separation meant they never saw their father again.
50 percent of parents admitted putting their children through an intrusive court process over access issues and living arrangements.
25 percent of parents surveyed believe that their child was so traumatised by their separation that they self harmed or contemplated suicide.
20 percent of separated parents admitted that they actively set out to make their partner's experience ‘as unpleasant as possible’ regardless of the effect this had on their children’s feelings.

Sandra Davis, head of family law at Mishcon de Reya , says that, “This research shows that despite their best intentions, parents are often using their children as emotional footballs. They don’t have the tools to co-parent effectively following separation and their only solution is to turn to the courts. Children – alongside the economy - are suffering because of this. The millions of pounds spent each year on Legal Aid, running the courts and CAFCASS could be better spent educating parents about their children’s needs and gaining an understanding of how to resolve and avoid long term disputes and reduce hostility.” In short there is a need to “protect children from the worst excesses of parental conflict. Therapeutic input, not litigation, is the answer and will reduce the emotional and financial cost of separation.”

Resolution has already started to try to tackle the problem with its Parents after Parting workshops and its dedicated webspace for parents. Government funding however is needed if family therapy centres are to be set up and counselling available for all who need it. As the survey shows, 64 percent of parents quizzed said that if counselling was available they would consider attending.

HOW TO STOP HATING YOUR EX

Stop hating your ex must sound like a tall order for many people, but this book by René Ashton seeks to show you how. “I wanted someone to tell me how in the world I was to escape the grips of this ferocious animal wreaking havoc in my life,” she writes; she’s not describing her ex, however, but instead her anger.

René forwarded me a copy of the book in advance of its US publication date last week. I’m sure that it will only be a matter of time before it’s available in the UK too. More like a work-book than a reference source, it’s written in a very down to earth style and pushes the reader onward in a mission of self-healing asking for deliberated responses to questions posed, even providing lined pages for the replies.

“You cannot change your ex. Try as you may. Manipulate as you may. Punish, kick, scream, whatever your tactic, it won’t work”, she reminds us. “The only thing you can change is yourself to make things different.” Through the book, she endeavours to train the reader how to let go and draws on her own experience in illustrating the depths to which the broken hearted and wronged can sink but also how they can move on.

René clearly feels strongly that children should have the right to be co-parented properly. She spares no punches when she identifies those careless or vindictive comments that can cause untold harm and urges the reader to “talk to a professional (not your kids), unload on your friends (not your kids).”

If you feel caught in a trap of negativity or denial as a result of relationship breakdown, it could help but you mustn’t expect any sympathy. “You have the capacity to change,” and that’s what the author wants you to do.

BUNDLES OF JOY

The Department for Business, Innovation and Skills announced this week that couples are to get new maternity/paternity leave rights giving them greater choice and flexibility in the first year of a baby’s life. Essentially they will be able to transfer up to six months of the mother’s maternity leave to the father, which can be taken by the father once the mother has returned to work.

As every parent knows having a baby can be a stressful as well as a joyous experience, especially if juggling work and home commitments at the same time. As every divorce lawyer knows, those early months can also be so stressful that the domestic disharmony that can ensue can also lead to separation and relationship breakdown as everyone seeks to adapt to their changing roles.

So will a benefit intended to alleviate stress and difficulties, also in its own way and in some cases, make a relationship crisis even worse? Come 2011, I can well imagine the cases where one party or the other bemoans the fact that the other shirked their responsibilities by failing to take the second six months’ leave offered. Alternatively what about those mothers who might complain that they had to return to work so that their husbands could have six months at home with little Jack or Joanna, only to come home from work every day and find the house in disarray; dirty nappies everywhere and no dinner on the table or smiling hubby to greet them.

A SCENIC DETOUR

The annual summer holiday can put enormous pressures on families. Cloistered together in an unfamiliar environment the vacation in paradise can quickly turn into the holiday from hell. Last week we’d planned to sail around Scotland’s Western Isles. Outdoor Man, however, was quick to recognise that a hostile weather forecast could result in domestic disharmony and an uncomfortable time for all. A quick search using the Internet found us making a scenic detour by air to Andalucía instead. There we occupied a villa in the hills some 15 minutes from Nerja. Sitting in a mango grove, amidst a Spanish heat wave when temperatures on the Costa del Sol hit 42 degrees; no air conditioning and all the local bug life to contend with; how do you ensure that everyone continues to speak civilly to each other and you return to the UK with family life intact?

Here are my tips:

1. Keep reminding everyone they could be sailing in rain, wind and mist instead.


2. Use the pool frequently and preferably bring only one piece of flotation equipment for interest. That way everyone interacts trying to get to it.


3. Don’t lecture when someone leaves crumbs in the kitchen and the ant armies invade. Just sweep them in a line to the transgressor’s bed and he won’t do it again.


4. Hire the most underpowered car available that way it takes twice as long to get to the supermarket but on the basis that it has a climate control switch everyone cools down in the process.


5. If things get really bad, hide the return air tickets and then offer them as rewards for good behaviour.

We had an idyllic week, honestly!

With the school summer holidays upon us however many children whose parents have separated spend longer periods with or away from one or both parents. It can be difficult to think about not seeing children for weeks at a time, and the changes of routine can create stress for your kids too. Here are Resolution’s tips:

• Talk to the other parent about plans. If you disagree, make the best of things and focus on what is best for your children.


• Plan ahead. How would you like to spend time with your children and what can you do to prepare them for holidays and special occasions?


• Instead of informing children about plans, talk with them about how they would like to spend time with you.


• Build in quality time with low-key activities like visiting the park, reading a book together or playing a game. Too many exciting activities can overwhelm children and tire them out.


• Support your child’s relationship with your ex.


• If travelling with the kids, give the other parent contact information and details – you both have a right to know where your children are.


• Help children maintain consistent contact with the other parent by phone or email. Remember that children may miss their other parent.


• When your children are with the other parent, use your time to get refreshed. Visit friends, take a class, read a book or enjoy a lazy day.
  
  For more parental advice from Resolution click here
  

MICHAEL JACKSON RIP

The recent death of Michael Jackson coupled with the reports that his mother has applied for guardianship of his children inevitably prompts queries from worried clients as to the position should they too die prematurely leaving dependent children. Is it automatic that their divorced spouse will have the children live with them or need they do something to ensure or, in some cases, prevent this? Has the fact that they have made a will appointing someone as guardian sufficient?

In English law, generally only the parents will have parental responsibility for their children and this cannot be usurped by a guardian appointed by will unless both parents have died. However, the fact that a surviving parent has parental responsibility does not mean that the children will automatically live with that person. As with all cases involving children, their best interests are paramount. So and to this end a court has power to make a residence order in favour of another person if that is the outcome which better serves the needs of the children. As a result I have been involved in cases where orders have been made in favour of grandparents or other relatives or friends, remembering always that a child’s wishes and feelings are also taken into account.

Further and importantly even where, as is invariably the case, there is no dispute between surviving relatives as to where the children should live, it is important not to overlook the need to apply for parental responsibility. If you do not have this, you may encounter difficulties consenting to medical treatment for a child or applying for a passport to take them on holiday.

Also and ridiculous as it may sound, even if you are named on the birth certificate of a child as the father, you do not automatically have parental responsibility unless your child was born in or after December 2003. In those circumstances a child may have lived with you throughout their lives but legally you still need powers conferring on you by a court to act on behalf of your child!

PHONE A FAMILY LAWYER

This is going to make me sound somewhat old, but in the days before the Child Support Agency it was common for me to act on behalf of clients seeking or defending affiliation orders, in an effort to establish paternity of a child. At the time, analysis was based on blood compatibility tests as opposed to DNA testing as is the case now. The reports giving the results of the blood tests were generally expressed in such a way that the likelihood of a defendant being the father of the child was given on a percentage basis. It always struck me as strange when a woman insisted she had only had one partner to be given results that virtually excluded him from paternity, and likewise for a man to insist he could not be the father on the basis of a relationship that consisted of little more than a one-night stand, only for the results to be weighted to the contrary.

Indeed once upon a time I recall having to tell one young man that regrettably the outcome of the tests suggested that the odds on successfully refuting paternity were stacked against him. He was downcast to hear this but then immediately pepped up when he read the report which confirmed that on the basis of the samples analysed only 0.07% of men could be the father of the child and he fell into that 0.07%.

“Double O, Seven,” he read out aloud. “From now on,” he exclaimed with a smile on his face, “I shall call myself James Bond.”

All of these stories came back to me when I received a call this morning. It was Outdoor Man.

“We have a problem, Jude,” he said. “One of the Roborowski Brothers isn’t a brother after all and it’s given birth, but we can’t work out which one’s the mother, or the father for that matter. Apprentice Man and I are just off now for our weekend of sailing and you’ll need to deal with it!”

Obviously I was slightly bemused but totally unclear what I was meant to do about the situation from my office desk.

“We just thought as a family lawyer, you’d know what to do.”

Does anyone offer DNA testing for hamsters?