Divorced and Deceived: How To Trust Again

How can a woman who went through a bitter divorce ever be able to trust a new man again? If your husband, a man who you once loved and trusted, can hurt you so deeply, is it possible to open your heart to someone new again?

Often the wounds from a nasty breakup are deep and take time to heal. Although they do heal eventually, they leave scars. A woman entering into a new relationship after a breakup is on guard. Afraid to be hurt again, she protects herself by assuming the worst about her new mate, that he will eventually hurt her.

It is ironic that what you expect of someone is usually what you will get. If you feel you cannot trust someone, they pick up on that and may just prove you right. The key is not to rush to judgment and assume that the new man in your life will be like the last.

It is imperative that you trust your own instincts about this person. Listen to your gut. If this man is giving you no indication that he is an untrustworthy person, then give him the benefit of the doubt.

Love is about letting go and taking some risks. If you are guarded and defensive you will never find that special someone. It is not easy to take a leap of faith and trust a new man after you have been so deeply hurt, but the risk may be worth it and you might be pleasantly surprised at the outcome.

A MAN'S BEST FRIEND IS HIS DOG

A man’s best friend is his dog and his wife’s too, or so it seems in some divorce cases.

Once upon a time I was acting for a very intelligent lady: from memory I recall that she was a chartered accountant who continued in occupation of the marital home, a large house in the country. Her husband, whom I assume to have been equally talented, had left and was occupying a flat in the city. During their 10 year marriage they had acquired a somewhat lively golden labrador by the name of Bonzo. In the absence of any children, Bonzo had been clearly treated as a child substitute. He had a special place in both of their hearts, to the extent that upon separation they agreed to share his care. The correspondence in which I became involved went along the lines of:

In future could you please ensure that Bonzo is returned with the same collar and lead as he had when he went to your client?

It is becoming apparent from the state of his fur that, whilst in your client’s care, Bonzo is not being fed the premium dog food to which he is accustomed and it is understood that he may even have been given titbits from the table

Bonzo is a highly strung animal and does not take lightly to strangers, please therefore ensure that he is not introduced and on no account left alone with your client’s new partner.

During contact with your client it is evident that Bonzo is being over stimulated to the extent that when he returns to our client’s home he does not settle down in his basket in the kitchen but insists on sleeping on our client’s bed suggesting that your client may have erred in sticking to the strict rules agreed for his upbringing.

Last week your client failed to advise our client of her intention to take Bonzo to Scotland. It is important that our client is aware of Bonzo’s whereabouts at all times.

If your client insists on walking Bonzo close to traffic, then he must be vigilant in watching him and ensure that he keeps a tight hold of his lead. Reports that he was seen playing chicken with motor vehicles on the nearby dual carriageway on Sunday are most distressing.

Our client has invested in an insurance policy for Bonzo protecting against vet’s fees. Please ensure that your client pays half.

So it went on..

I like to believe that Bonzo matured into a gentle animal with a special spot before two fireplaces, but I’m not too sure.

A Single Mom's Dilemma-Spending Quality Time With the Kids

As a single mom is is sometimes difficult to find quality time to spend with the kids. After working all day, making dinner, helping with homework, making school lunches , doing laundry and the hundred other things single moms must do to keep the household running smoothly, we are ready to collapse.

This is precisely the time when you will hear the little voice of your child imploring you to play or read a story. Of course you will oblige, but what you really want to do is chill out on the couch and watch your favorite t.v. show.

As you rush through the story or play a quick game with your child, the pangs of guilt will eat away at you. You will berate yourself for craving time to yourself instead of enjoying time with your kids. So what is the solution? How can you unwind after a long, stressful day and still enjoy some quality time with the kids?

I have discovered that the key to making everyone happy is to find an activity that both you and your child enjoy. Let's face it, may of us do not find playing barbies or with trucks to be all that exciting anymore. But if you think back to your own childhood and reflect on what activities you enjoyed back then, you may come up with an activity you can do with your own child.

As a child, I enjoyed arts and crafts. My youngest daughter is also very creative, so doing some form of arts and crafts is something we can both enjoy together. Since my boys are obsessed with video games and the computer, it is a little more challenging to find something we mutually enjoy.

They do like playing Uno and Scrabble, tow of my favorite games. I have found that by spending as a little as thirty minutes with my kids doing something we all enjoy, they are more than happy to move on and occupy themselves while I get some personal time to myself.

Protect Yourself During A Divorce

Divorce can bring out the worst in people. An intelligent, sane person can become overcome with emotion and loss control during a divorce. For some divorcing women, getting a divorce can be a dangerous time, especially if there was any history of physical or mental abuse during the marriage.

This week ,a forty year old man and father of three, allegedly abducted his estranged wife in Indiana. Fortunately he released her and did not cause her any bodily harm. The couple are in the process of getting a divorce.

We do not know his motives for the alleged abduction, but we can probably assume that he is feeling out of control and distraught about the pending divorce. Some divorcing spouses can act completely out of character and do unimaginable things.

If you are in the middle of a divorce right now, make sure to protect yourself. Here are three things you can do to ensure your safety:

1. Limit contact with your soon to be ex. Do not agree to meet him alone, if he indicates he wants to meet with you to talk things over, have the meeting take place at your lawyer's office.

2. Exercise caution when coming home alone at night. If you have any reason to believe that your ex could turn violent , then make sure to have a friend or family member with you at all times.

3. Do not fuel the fire and antagonize your ex. Again limit contact, including telephone and emails. If he shows any signs of harassment, like excessive phone calls, driving by your home repeatedly or making threats, you may want to consider obtaining a restraining order against him.

You must protect yourself during your divorce by being aware of your surroundings and if your ex has given you any reason to assume he could be capable of violence , do not hesitant to contact the authorities.

CHELSEA AND MOURINHO SEPARATE

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The English football season always deluges us with high profile divorces. The one that won’t go away at the moment is happening down at Stamford Bridge where Mrs Chelsea has evicted Mr Jose Mourinho and given him a multi million pound pay-off too, if the press reports can be believed. Of course, no female bystander can understand how any woman would want to dump a gorgeous looking man like Jose. Also it seems that the young lads (a devoted and supportive family who are noted for the blue shirts they all wear) aren’t too happy either. Apparently some of them have taken to standing outside on the terraces wailing for Mr Mourinho by name. I assume Mrs Chelsea realised the pain she would cause to those close to her, as well as her own purse, before she took this dire step and must, therefore, have had her reasons.

LA Law

I want to practice criminal law in Los Angeles. I want to represent only celebrity clients in Los Angeles. I will win every celebrity criminal case in Los Angeles. Every celebrity defendant does. There was an interesting conversation on Court TV this morning discussing the LA prosecutors horrendous record in prosecuting celebrity defendants. If you are accused of rape and or murder in LA and are a celebrity your changes of acquittal are excellent. Do the rich really have better lawyers defending them? Absolutely. Do they in fact hire the best experts money can buy? Absolutely. But I believe there is another factor involved in these cases. It seems that the average juror is woe to put a famous person behind bars. OJ, Robert Blake, Michael Jackson, and now Phil Spector all treated very kindly by the folks in the LA jury pool.

Personally I think a change of venue is in order and that all of these beautiful people should be tried right here in Suffolk County NY. We have very expensive attorneys here on Long Island and could certainly put together a very nice dream team for the next celebrity murder trial. Alas, however, Los Angeles is now the place to maim and murder young innocents if in fact you are a member of the elite celebrity sect. The most that will happen to you is that you will be forced to live a quite unassuming life while you lie in wait for a chance to kill or maim your next victim. Perhaps you will even write a book telling the public how you actually effectuated the killings. The only saving grace in all of this craziness is that ultimately these murders will be judged in a forum where their wealth holds no sway.

LA Law

I want to practice criminal law in Los Angeles. I want to represent only celebrity clients in Los Angeles. I will win every celebrity criminal case in Los Angeles. Every celebrity defendant does. There was an interesting conversation on Court TV this morning discussing the LA prosecutors horrendous record in prosecuting celebrity defendants. If you are accused of rape and or murder in LA and are a celebrity your changes of acquittal are excellent. Do the rich really have better lawyers defending them? Absolutely. Do they in fact hire the best experts money can buy? Absolutely. But I believe there is another factor involved in these cases. It seems that the average juror is woe to put a famous person behind bars. OJ, Robert Blake, Michael Jackson, and now Phil Spector all treated very kindly by the folks in the LA jury pool.

Personally I think a change of venue is in order and that all of these beautiful people should be tried right here in Suffolk County NY. We have very expensive attorneys here on Long Island and could certainly put together a very nice dream team for the next celebrity murder trial. Alas, however, Los Angeles is now the place to maim and murder young innocents if in fact you are a member of the elite celebrity sect. The most that will happen to you is that you will be forced to live a quite unassuming life while you lie in wait for a chance to kill or maim your next victim. Perhaps you will even write a book telling the public how you actually effectuated the killings. The only saving grace in all of this craziness is that ultimately these murders will be judged in a forum where their wealth holds no sway.

MONTEZUMA'S REVENGE

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Last night I ate hot spicy food with friends. I can assure you that I have suffered no after effects, and certainly nothing of the nature of Montezuma’s Revenge.

Revenge is an emotive word, charged with anger and irrational energy. Sadly, when marriages breakdown people lose control as the desire for vengeance reigns supreme. Hence wives really do slash their husbands’ clothes; husbands really do post unsavoury offerings through their wives’ letterboxes; both sexes really do make telephone calls to third parties aiming to hurt their other half but succeeding also in involving more people in the hurt and misery they are suffering.

Spare a thought for the poor solicitors in the middle. They do genuinely try to bring a sense of calm to the situation but when their client is a loose cannon their task is often a hopeless one.

Needless to say the aggressor eventually runs out of steam and generally feels quite shamed-faced, whilst the object of the aggression emerges morally victorious despite whatever philandering or dastardly deed brought on the attack in the first place.

Can 50/50 Joint Custody Work for you?

Years ago, the typical child custody arrangement gave the mother physical custody and the father usually got the kids every other weekend and one night a week for dinner.

But recently there has been a growing number of fathers who have challenged this arrangement and desire joint custody of their kids. Many feel that just because they are divorcing their wives, it does not mean that they must also divorce their children too. They want to be full participants in their children's lives and not be forced to be part time dads.

Some women however have a problem with this and rather go with the traditional custody arrangements when negotiating their divorce. Both parents must consider what is in the best interest of the children and put their personal feelings aside. It would be advantageous for kids to be able to have access to both of their parents, if at all possible. If there is no indications of abuse or questionable behavior, then divorcing couples should consider a 50/50 joint custody arrangement.

Some pitfalls may be the location of the parents. If one parent lives far from the other, it may not be in the best interest of the child to have to spend time traveling between both homes each week. Also arrangements where the child spends alternating weeks with each parent may be confusing and disruptive to the child's routine.

The best scenario would be if both parents live within a short proximity of each other and the kids can spend time at each home during the week. Co-parenting requires creativity, so maybe dad will have the kids on Friday night through Sunday night and then for dinner twice that week and then switch with mom the following week.

Of course work schedules, after school activities and play dates may complicate things. But if two parents can work together in agreement and be flexible, their kids can benefit enormously from having both parents actively involved in their lives. Sadly, there are many fathers who do not want to spend time with their kids and even miss their scheduled visitations. If a father acts in good faith and wants to continue to be involved in the day to day activities of his child's life, then he should be applauded for doing so.

Surviving Your Parent's Divorce

In his new book, The Bright Side, Your Guide to Surviving Your Parents’ Divorce, first time author Max Sindell provides kids of all ages with a helpful resource about dealing with divorce and making the most out of it.

During a divorce, the children, although the ones most affected by the separation of their parents, are often an afterthought. Many parents in the heat of the battle, are too caught up in their own emotional pain to be able to effectively deal with what their kids are experiencing.

This new book provides children with a new spin on the negativity of divorce, it teaches that it is actually possible for children to deal with the day to day realities of divorce and view divorce in a positive manner. The author says "that divorce doesn’t have to be as terrible as everyone says it is – In fact, between all the new people, new experiences, and new freedoms, divorce can turn out to be a lot better than anyone might expect."

The book begins with the "Divorced Kids Bill of Rights" and outlines seven rights which kids and parents need to know. To find out more about "The Bright Side, Your Guide to Surviving Your Parents’ Divorce" you can visit Max Sindell's website at http://www.survivingyourparentsdivorce.com/ There are a number a great resources for kids on the site and I will be recommending it to my own children.

THE TURN OF THE SCREW

I should like to share with you extracts from this month’s Reading Group book :

“…Relief arrived. I call it relief though it was only the relief that a snap brings to a strain or the burst of a thunderstorm to a day of suffocation. It was at least change, and it came with a rush.

….I came straight out of the churchyard and, thinking hard, retraced my steps through the park. It seemed to me that by the time I reached the house I had made up my mind to cynical flight. The Sunday stillness of both the approaches and of the interior, in which I met no one, fairly stirred me with a sense of opportunity. Were I to get off quickly this way I should get off without a scene, without a word. My quickness would have to be remarkable, however….Tormented in the hall, with difficulties and obstacles, I remember sinking down to the foot of the staircase – suddenly collapsing there on the lowest step and then, with a revulsion, recalling that it was exactly where, more than a month before, in the darkness of the night…I had seen the spectre of the most horrible of women. At this I was able to straighten myself; I went the rest of the way up; I made in my turmoil, for the…room where there were objects belonging to me that I should have to take. But I opened the door to find again, in a flash, my eyes unsealed. In the presence of what I saw I reeled straight back upon my resistance.

Seated at my own table in the clear noonday light I saw a person whom, without my previous experience, I should have taken at the first blush for some housemaid… She rose, not as if she had heard me but with a grand melancholy of indifference and detachment, …I had the extraordinary chill of a feeling that it was I who was the intruder. It was as a wild protest against it that, actually addressing her –“You terrible miserable woman”- I heard myself break into a sound that by the open door, rang through the long passage and the empty house...”

The book is, of course, Henry James’ classic ghost story, “The Turn of the Screw”. I can’t help speculating that if he were still alive and writing today, he could well host a divorce blog.

SEPARATED FOR THE SAKE OF THE CHILDREN

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People are beginning to feel that they can start to ask questions about the decision to sever ties with the Ex. Almost without exception, and following on from my outburst about the Silly Filly, they want to know what caused the break up between us. I’ve got nothing to hide so you might as well hear the reasons too. Of course, you’ll have heard the expression staying together for the sake of the children; in my case, however, we separated in their best interests.

Whilst I’d begun to get bored with the monotony of it all, it was the continuous complaints from the kids that drove me to it. The Ex had seriously got to the point where he couldn’t cope with more than one of them at a time and bringing their friends round was a complete no.

Looking back the problem was there from the outset of our relationship. Four years before though when we first met, the children were smaller and we all seemed set for a great life together. Moreover we did enjoy ourselves for a time, but then everyone suddenly seemed to get very large and headroom in the back had a 5 foot limit.

The solution seemed simple: trade him in for a new model; something more suited for me, the children, and their friends, now we’ve either grown in size or maturity. I spotted Dom on a visit to the garage forecourt one day and the rest is history, as we say.

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Can you Be Friends With The Ex?

Is it really possible to become friends with your ex after the divorce is final? Several celebrity couples have done just that. Demi Moore and Bruce Willis even vacation together with the kids and Demi's new husband, Ashton Kutcher. Christie Brinkley and Billy Joel have also remained friendly for the sake of their daughter.

But can couples in the real world not only get along with their ex, but actually become friends? There is a company whose mission is to do just that, to educate the public about the benefits of going to mediation before engaging in costly, traumatic litigation and leaving the decision-making to their lawyers and Judges. DivorceDoneRight will encourage couples to go to mediation first, and benefit from its concept of a "Successful Divorce(TM)", which helps couples resolve family conflicts and divorce in an amiable and cost-effective manner, usually within a few months.

This can only benefit the children. All divorcing couples should try to put their differences aside and develop a good relationship for the sake of the kids. However, there are certain circumstances that may prevent a future friendship between ex-spouses, such as any sort of verbal or physical abuse. Clearly both parties have to cooperate and be willing to let go of past anger and resentment.

It is a great concept and it would be wonderful to see more amicable divorces where children are not put in the middle. The children will benefit enormously by seeing that even though their parent's marriage did not work out, they can still have a respectful, healthy relationship with each other.

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SEVEN YEAR ITCH

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In her quest to become the new leader of the Bavarian Christian Social Union Party, Gabriele Pauli has given a press conference in which she claims to have a solution for “the seven year itch”. She is apparently proposing that marriages should have a shelf life of seven years only, unless they take place in Church where “till death us do part” should still apply.

At first glance this does not sound like a policy likely to attract votes from divorce lawyers. However, trying to think through the ramifications in a society where like ours the divorce rate hits approximately 1 in 3 marriages, is engaging. Imagine the consequences if all change after seven years became the norm.
Children would be shifted from extended family to extended family with all kinds of half and full blood relations. A couple who wanted to stay together might go through the motions anyway to redistribute capital between them before signing up to a new pre nuptial agreement and then proceeding with the whole marriage thing again. There would also be a risk of increasing domestic dispute or even blackmail as the seventh anniversary approaches “If you don’t get that tiling in the bathroom finished, quit all those nasty hobbies and take me on the holiday of a lifetime, I won’t be signing on the dotted line and you won’t be getting any more of my apple crumble for dessert.”

What would happen to those people at the receiving end of a spouse who itches after three years instead of seven? Would there be any point in marriage at all?

Gosh I reckon there’s only one thing certain, the lawyers would remain in business after all.

Criminal Minds

In a recent conversation with my partner, "The Crim-Maven", we found ourselves in complete disagreement about the highly visible cases of celebrity criminals in the news. My partner, the expert in all that is criminal explains to me that the Paris Hilton's of the world are getting the same treatment that many other incarcerated women are getting in that the sheriff was well within his rights to let her go early for "the nonviolent" offense. In a previous blog you all of course read about my views on that subject so I won't repeat it here. Now, I am aghast at the resurrection of OJ and the dead lock in the Phil Spector case.

Is it that the juries in California are so completely different than those here in NY? Of course we all know that when a case goes to a jury it is tantamount to rolling the dice in a Vegas casino, but does the craziness have any bounds?

How can a jury not convict that nut Spector? Did they recycle the OJ jury and use them again?? Is it that the rich have better lawyers than the common criminals here in NY? I don't think so, I saw some of the Spector trial and was not impressed with his legal representation. I really thought this case was a slam dunk. But then again I thought the same about OJ. Well as my partner says, I will stick with the divorce cases and leave the criminal minds to him....

Criminal Minds

In a recent conversation with my partner, "The Crim-Maven", we found ourselves in complete disagreement about the highly visible cases of celebrity criminals in the news. My partner, the expert in all that is criminal explains to me that the Paris Hilton's of the world are getting the same treatment that many other incarcerated women are getting in that the sheriff was well within his rights to let her go early for "the nonviolent" offense. In a previous blog you all of course read about my views on that subject so I won't repeat it here. Now, I am aghast at the resurrection of OJ and the dead lock in the Phil Spector case.

Is it that the juries in California are so completely different than those here in NY? Of course we all know that when a case goes to a jury it is tantamount to rolling the dice in a Vegas casino, but does the craziness have any bounds?

How can a jury not convict that nut Spector? Did they recycle the OJ jury and use them again?? Is it that the rich have better lawyers than the common criminals here in NY? I don't think so, I saw some of the Spector trial and was not impressed with his legal representation. I really thought this case was a slam dunk. But then again I thought the same about OJ. Well as my partner says, I will stick with the divorce cases and leave the criminal minds to him....

Dirty Divorce Tactics

I recently met a man who told me a horrifying story of how his friend

"got over" on his ex-wife during their divorce. I will not reveal the details of what this man did, but the consequences were that she was legally unable to hire legal representation in her own town. She had to go to a neighboring town to hire a divorce lawyer. I hesitate to expose exactly how this man did this is, for fear that someone will read this devious divorce technique and use it on an unsuspecting spouse.

Unfortunately there is information on the Internet that will teach you how to plan your divorce, six months to a year in advance with the intent of harming your spouse financially and emotionally.

I believe that although you must do everything in your power to protect yourself during your divorce, you should never resort to dirty divorce tactics. However, you cannot stand back and let an out of control spouse destroy you either. My father taught me to "never throw the first punch, but if someone hits you then knock them out!"

You should try to be fair and civil in your divorce. Do your best to settle your divorce as amicably as possible. But if your soon to be ex starts using dirty divorce tactics, you must fight back. I hear too many stories of women who are financially and emotionally beaten after dealing with an ex who is out for blood. Instead of cowering in the corner, stand up and fight this bully.

Gather your strength and fight for what is yours. Although you will be drained of energy and ready to give up, gather the strength that is deep down inside you and stand up for yourself and your children.

You will be amazed at what you can do when you harness the energy and drive that is within you. And remember, as tempting as it may be, never resort to any low down, unscrupulous divorce tactics. What goes around comes and around and it will only hurt you in the end.

NEST EGG PROTECTION

The long queues at Northern Rock branches this week are worthy of comment. What is it that makes people panic about money even when they are given assurances by the Government that their funds are safe? Discounting the potential for a lack of belief in politicians’ promises, or the English phenomenon of joining queues because we appear to like standing in line, I think it’s something much more deep rooted. Money equates to security and we all need to know that our little nest eggs are safe

Inevitably in divorce cases panic arises in relation to money. Some clients deal with this by rushing to the bank and withdrawing everything; others seek to transfer it into the account of a close friend or relative, sometimes fabricating a debt or other apparently legitimate reason for the transaction. The trouble is that there is always a paper trail showing the movement of funds and this inevitably leads to some embarrassing or convoluted explanations.

Once upon a time I acted for a client. On the day his wife left him citing grounds for divorce that included his meanness towards her, he withdrew a substantial sum of money representing a quarter of his life savings from the bank, and donated it to a local charity in which his mother was an active fundraiser. Subsequently, in court, the Judge congratulated him on his altruistic nature but held that, as he could clearly afford to be generous and had no need for funds of this amount, he should give his wife an equivalent quarter and the remaining half should be divided equally between them!

Can Your Divorce Lawyer Fire You?

According to www.people.com "Laura Wasser, Britney Spears' divorce attorney has stepped down as her attorney in the custody battle with

Kevin Federline. Wasser said Spears would be in "excellent hands" with her replacement and added, "I don't want anyone to perceive that we're dumping Britney."

In essence, Ms. Wasser has fired her own client. Can this happen to you

in the middle of your own divorce or custody battle? Yes. An attorney can petition the court to be removed from a client's case. If this happens to you, you can ask the court to grant you 30 days to find a new attorney. You can also fire your divorce attorney and seek new representation, although if you try to switch lawyers too far into the case, a judge may deny your request if there are upcoming court dates already scheduled on the family court calender.

Why would a lawyer want to fire their own client? In the case of Britney Spears, it is most likely her inability to take advice from her own legal counsel, therefore jeopardizing her own chances to retain joint custody of her two young sons. .In most cases, conflict of interest, personal or health problems or a lack of communication with the client can all be factors in a lawyer's decision to remove himself from a case.

BLIND DATE

I have been on a blind date this evening. It was approached in the right manner and we had a delightful rendezvous at a local pub where we spent a couple of hours getting to know one another. Mind it must be a sign of our ages because we started discussing ailments and health care!

The main concern if arranging such a meeting has to be safety and I suppose you could say that I took rather extreme precautions in being accompanied by Outdoor Man and the children! That was not surprising though as it was actually a first face to face with two third cousins whom I’ve met via the Internet whilst researching my family tree. They brought their families too.

It is amazing how many relationships are now struck up using the Internet. In this instance my intuition was right and my distant relatives turned out to be special people. Of course it might not always be the case and arrangements would not have been so casual if I’d been going along alone.

ENDURING LOVE

“Enduring Love” is the title of a book by Ian McEwan who is one of my best loved authors. I find the contents of his books so very different and yet in their individual ways they are all compelling. “Atonement” (just released on film) has to be his most beautiful; “Saturday” is my personal favourite; “Amsterdam” inspires debate; the list goes on. “Enduring Love,” however, is the story of a man favoured by the attentions of a stranger which move from being co-incidence to stalking and harassment.

Frequently, when relationships breakdown, one party behaves in a manner that’s uncontrolled and unacceptable. Enduring love becomes endurance. It is not uncommon for me to have clients who are at the receiving end of repeated incidents of: nuisance telephone calls; offensive items being posted through letterboxes; threatening or abusive text messages; attempts to sabotage their working arrangements; the searching of their refuse bins; perpetual stalking.

A few years ago and by virtue of the Protection from Harassment Act the police were given clearer powers to deal with such matters and harassment became a criminal offence. When the intensity of emotion overheats, harassment can occur but at least, if it does, there is now a mechanism for easy intervention should the onslaught become enduring.

“Easy” and “enduring” are two adjectives my colleagues in our Private Law Department have been grappling with lately as the countdown to the new law on Lasting Powers of Attorney comes into force at the end of the month. The existing law is less bureaucratic and their message, which I’ll repeat here, is to activate an Enduring Power of Attorney now to avoid regulatory requirements later.

Caution: Be Careful Choosing Your Divorce Attorney!

As a divorce coach, I see many clients who are unsatisfied with their divorce lawyers. The situation is typical. They are confident in their choice of an attorney in the beginning of the divorce, but as the months and sometimes years linger on, they start to lose faith in the professional they have entrusted their future with.

Unfortunately, there are some divorce lawyers who are only interested in making money. They quickly assess your financial picture during your initial consultation. When the retainer runs out and they do not see any foreseeable way to earn more income from your case, they encourage you to settle, even if the settlement may not be in your best interest.

I am currently coaching a client in this exact situation right now. Her lawyer is advising her to take a settlement that would include no alimony, even though she gave up a thriving career years ago to be a stay at home mom. Her husband currently earns six figures a year. Based on the length of the marriage, in most states this client should be eligible for alimony, although the length and amount would vary.

So why would this client's attorney advise her to forgo alimony in her divorce settlement? I suspect it is because, due to the rapid decline in the housing market, their home has very little equity and there are no other liquid assets. It appears as though her attorney has lost interest in her case and if the case is prolonged or goes to trial , she will not make a profit.

In all fairness, lawyers are in business to make money and have high expenses they must cover. If a client does not have the ability to pay, they may have a hard time legally removing themselves from a case. Not all divorce lawyers are callous and uncaring. The problem arises when they put their own financial interests ahead of what is in the best interest of their clients.

You must exercise caution when choosing your divorce attorney. You need to interview people you know who have gone through a divorce. Consider what you hear. Did someone go through hell because they had a bad lawyer, or did a good lawyer help them through a hell that could’ve been a lot worse? Did another person’s divorce go smoothly only because there was little to contest, or did the lawyer successfully foresee problems, and settle them in advance? You may want to find someone who was in a situation similar to yours. Can this lawyer avoid crises? Can this lawyer handle crises?

It is also crucial that your personalities click. You will spend a lot of time with this person; you need to feel comfortable with him or her. In the end, consider all these factors, and allow your intuition some sway. Can you get along with this person? Do you trust them?

With the right attorney’s guidance you can work together and speed the process of your divorce. Once you find the right attorney, you will feel more confident in your divorce outcome.

VIVE LA REVOLUTION

Once upon a time I saw a new client. He was an elderly gentleman, immaculately dressed and extraordinarily polite. He was, however, a little hard of hearing and I raised the level of my voice accordingly. Fifteen minutes into the appointment, he leaned forward and whispered “Now we have the formalities over, tell me about this revolution you’re a participant in.”

I was somewhat taken aback, but my brain moved into overdrive. Was this a KGB agent in front of me, perhaps looking to recruit, and does spying for Russia pay well and offer flexi time?

However, my idle speculation was cut dead by the next question as I struggled to stammer a response to the first. “How much do you charge for a public execution?”

I’m still not sure whether he was joking but it seemed he was suggesting that, whilst manning the barricades, I could perhaps secure the disposal of his wife in a slightly quicker way than the divorce court permits.

Needless to say I hastened to explain that the organisation I belonged to was Resolution and that he had clearly misheard the name. The guillotine plays no part in our code of practice and instead he would find in me a solicitor looking to resolve matters without the need for acrimony. Maybe that wasn’t what he wanted or, as I prefer to think, my tactics worked superbly, for a few weeks later he and his wife were reconciled.

Catching a Cheater

Should you spy on your spouse if you suspect he is having an affair? This can be a loaded question. Are you prepared for what you might uncover? Can you handle finding proof that your husband is cheating? What if you are wrong, are you prepared for the consequences of your husband finding out you are spying on him?

Be sure to answer these questions very carefully before deciding to act on your suspicions. Finding out your husband is having an affair is an emotionally devastating experience. If you decide to investigate, make sure you prepare yourself ahead of time for the worst case scenario.

Thanks to the Internet you can now be your own detective and purchase special tools to help you catch a cheater. According to http://www.chatcheaters.com there is array of high tech spy equipment to monitor your spouses every move.

Here are few available for purchase from their website:

1. Spy Software-you can install one on your husband’s computer and record everything he does. Some of these programs even install remotely

2. You can get a GPS recording device and place it into your husband’s trunk. You will be able to track your husband’s whereabouts, including the exact location on a street map and the time of day he was there. It records for up to 18 days.

3. How about this crazy gadget- a voice changer. You can buy this device and it will actually change your voice over the phone. This way you can call those numbers on your husband’s cell phone and pretend to be someone else to gather information.

4.There is even a portable lie detector. I am not sure how you would convince your husband to use it, although if he refuses this could be a sign of guilt.

5. If you husband is getting frequent emails from the same email address, you can use "The Email Tracer", it finds the identify of the sender of the email

Before you rush out and buy any of these gadgets, make sure you are comfortable morally and ethically with spying on your husband. Trust your gut instincts, if this kind of investigation makes you feel uncomfortable, then don’t do it. Confronting your husband and seeing what his reaction is might be a better option. Deep down you will know if he is telling you the truth, we are built with the most powerful lie detector in the world, our own intuition.

FROM THE MOUTHS OF BABES

Childhood innocence can produce deeply profound yet innocent remarks. Little Girl is still of an age where she can do this. I would like to share an offering that she came up with today when she said:

“Mum when I grow up I wouldn’t mind being you, you know. You have a lovely daughter, an okay son and a lovely husband. Also, although your job is hard work and sometimes you get very stressed, it must be really good to get to know everyone’s secrets.”

So now I understand the motivation for my career choice

Liquid Gold

This was an especially sad week with the loss of Luciano Pavarotti. Reading some of the many news articles on his death I was surprised to read that outside of his home town in Italy, the rest of Italy did not have the same appreciation for the maestro that we here in America had. True, he was divorced and in all likelihood cheated on his wife beforehand with his mistress and he fathered a child out of wedlock. The Italians also felt he was too much of a showman. Citing what they feel is the austere dignity of the opera he played with celebrities too much for the liking of the opera aristocracy. What the Italians fail to mention however is that he was a very philanthropic man. Each year he put together concerts with famous names and faces and donated the proceeds to charities. He also did many concerts for our troops overseas and helped many many charitable causes.

Pavarotti's voice was liquid gold. His renditions of the opera greats was unprecedented and as an artist and humanitarian he should be highly revered.

Yes, I thought some of his theatrics a bit over the top, but his heart always seemed to be in the right place.
May he rest in peace.

Liquid Gold

This was an especially sad week with the loss of Luciano Pavarotti. Reading some of the many news articles on his death I was surprised to read that outside of his home town in Italy, the rest of Italy did not have the same appreciation for the maestro that we here in America had. True, he was divorced and in all likelihood cheated on his wife beforehand with his mistress and he fathered a child out of wedlock. The Italians also felt he was too much of a showman. Citing what they feel is the austere dignity of the opera he played with celebrities too much for the liking of the opera aristocracy. What the Italians fail to mention however is that he was a very philanthropic man. Each year he put together concerts with famous names and faces and donated the proceeds to charities. He also did many concerts for our troops overseas and helped many many charitable causes.

Pavarotti's voice was liquid gold. His renditions of the opera greats was unprecedented and as an artist and humanitarian he should be highly revered.

Yes, I thought some of his theatrics a bit over the top, but his heart always seemed to be in the right place.
May he rest in peace.

Will You Have To Sell Your Home During A Divorce?

Whether or not you will be forced to sell your home during a divorce depends upon several factors. If the property is considered a martial asset-meaning it was acquired during the marriage, it is usually subject to equitable distribution, depending on which state you live in. You may want to buy out your husband's share of the equity in the home during your divorce settlement. Or you may chose to sell the home and share the profits.

There are some creative ways to handle the division of your home that you can incorporate into your divorce settlement. If you have small children, you could request that the sale of the home is delayed until your youngest child turns 18 years old. At that point, the home would be sold and the profits would be split between you and your ex husband. There are several things you need to consider with this arrangement. If you are paying the monthly mortgage, taxes and expenses for the home, then those monies should be deducted from your ex's share at the closing. You may also want to have the home appraised and set the amount of equity to be shared at what your house is worth at the time of your divorce. The home will probably be worth much more years later. Your ex would have to agree to this arrangement and be willing to wait for his share of the equity.

Another option is to waive alimony from your ex-husband if you are entitled to it. You then ask for his share of the equity in the martial home in the divorce settlement. If there is enough equity on his part to cover what you would have received in alimony,you can save thousands of dollars in taxes. Alimony is considered taxable income. The equity in your home is exempt up to $250,000 for a single person who has resided in the home as her primary place of residence for two or more years.

Thinking about selling your home during a divorce can be emotionally draining and can negatively affect your children should you have to move. Think over all options, consult with your divorce attorney and an accountant before agreeing to any division of property in your divorce settlement.

For more information on property division during divorce go to:

http://www.divorcenet.com/property_division

I SPOTTED THE EX IN TOWN

photo by Nettsu (terms of distribution- some rights reserved)

I spotted the Ex the other day. He was being driven around town by the Silly Filly. I swear that he looked greyer than I remember. I suppose that’s what happens when you cavort with someone half my age. He was also suffering from a nasty scrape on his offside. He certainly didn’t look too smug about that when he realised I’d noticed.

As for her, you’ll know the type. Legs the length of drainpipes with stiletto heels to match and a mini skirt to flaunt it all in. No, of course I’m not jealous.

Anyway the Ex looked perfectly ridiculous with those fluffy pink dice hanging from his rear view mirror and I’m certain it was Boyzone blaring from the CD player.

NO, I am definitely NOT jealous. Honestly! Look, I couldn’t care less. It was me who ditched him, remember. Besides I’m now in a new relationship too…

For previous instalments go to:
New partner

Moving in Together

One Good Turn Deserves Another

AN EVENTFUL EVENING

I have spent this weekend afloat off the West Coast of Scotland. Last night we moored in Brodick Bay on the Isle of Arran and bobbing gently on the water settled down for the evening. At approximately 8pm, however, Outdoor Man who was in the process of serving up one of his wholesome bolognaise dishes suddenly exclaimed “ What’s that?”

We all looked out and what appeared to be a yacht going up in flames was clearly visible out at sea between Arran and the mainland. A Relay Mayday call had been made to the coastguard and some 5 yachts in the adjacent bay were lifting anchor to go to the rescue of anyone who might have escaped the fire into the water. We heard a passing submarine radio with a bearing and we discussed whether to stay put or offer assistance also. It was a horrific sight and the blaze which appeared to be some 3-5 miles distance was awesome. We decided to stay but continued to remain tuned into Channel 16 in case further help was required. One of the boats that had set off radioed in to say that they were within 2 miles of the blazing yacht and that it was burning “from stem to stern.” The next call however was from a boat that had just left Troon 10 minutes before, saying that as it had emerged from the harbour there had been a large explosion on shore further north and that this was the site of the fire, some 15 miles away from us. Confusion reigned as the lifeboat was being scrambled but then the coastguard confirmed that the fire was indeed onshore; there was no blazing yacht and everyone presumably returned to their anchorages.

Tucked up in my cabin later that night, I lay on my side in a semi recovery position listening to the water trickling by, being rocked gently and therapeutically to sleep. Whilst at ante natal classes years ago, I remember being told that rocking was a good way to encourage the release of endomorphins and so trigger the body’s natural pain relief mechanisms. I wondered whether or not it would be possible to replicate the experience at home; sitting sideways on a rocking chair in the bathroom maybe. An experiment for another day I yawned, as sleep took over.

Is Marriage Better The Second Time Around?

If you are divorced, you might secretly wonder what marriage the second time around would be like. Would your new mate be everything your first one was not? Would he wisk you off your feet and restore your faith in true, everlasting love?

Unfortunately, statistics have proven that second marriages have even a higher divorce rate than first marriages. So why then are some us so eager to jump back into marriage so soon after divorce? Many people feel lonely after divorce and have a selective memory about what their marriage was really like. They reminisce about the good times and conveniently forgot why they got divorced in the first place.

After the initial phases of shock, anger and grief after divorce, you go through a loneliness phase. This can be a dangerous time period for a newly divorced person. You may meet someone on the rebound and convinced you are in love, make the hasty decision to remarry. What you really need to do is ride out the loneliness phase by becoming your own best friend. You need to spend time working on yourself and enjoying your own company. You cannot look to another person to complete you or fulfill you. Only when you are truly happy with your own company are you ready to begin a new relationship

Another reason why most second marriages are doomed from the start is that the issues that broke apart the first marriage have not been addressed or dealt with. Take some time to discover why your first marriage ended. Yes, it may be your ex’s fault, but what role did you have in the breakup? This is not a time for blame; it is a time for self reflection. By unearthing the real reasons for the demise of your marriage you will be better prepared to deal with these issues should they arise again in a new relationship.

Second marriages can work, but only if both parties come into the relationship free of the baggage from their previous relationships. Take your time and do not rush into a new marriage after divorce. Be wise and make sure re-marriage is something you are really ready for.

PLAIN ENGLISH

“Hereuntobefore,” is there really such a word?
What about “Enclosed herewith”?

Seriously, such expressions must not be dismissed as legal jargon but rather examples of unacceptable lawyer-speak or should I say incomprehensible gobbledygook. What after all is wrong with good old plain English? Why can’t “Above” and “Attached” suffice? If I get frustrated by the use of ridiculous terminology how would clients feel if I wrote to them in such terms?

“Res ipsa loquitur.”

I rest my case, as we lawyers reputedly say!

See also http://latimerhinksguineapig.blogspot.com/2007/08/in-plain-english.html

Online Dating After Divorce


Where do you go to meet someone new? Years ago it seemed like singles bars were the only permanent meeting place. They were open every night, but they were also pressure cookers that were often fueled by too much alcohol. Now there is another spot this is always open: the World Wide Web. The Internet provides many interesting options. As online dating has gained popularity it has shown itself to be more convenient than singles bars, with more possibilities as well.

One popular online dating service is Eharmony.com. This dating service makes you fill out a lengthy questionnaire aimed at matching you and a mate. The match is made on the basis of several critical components. I liked E-harmony for several reasons. One was their policy of not posting your information and photo for just anyone to see. Your data is sent only to specific matches.

Another popular site is Match.com. . They seem to have a greater selection of potential dates. At Match.com you can browse and look at available singles’ pictures and profiles. You do the choosing using the posted information. The downside is that everyone can see your photo and information on this site, including people just browsing.

There are also many social networks online where you can meet someone after a divorce. My space is no longer just for teens and there is now facebook, meetup.com, and many other sites to meet new friends. I recently started a "dating after divorce" network on ning.com. It is a place for newly single people to share their thoughts and feelings and meet other divorced people in the same situation. You can go to www.datingafterdivorce.ning.com to join for free.

If you are going to use the Internet to meet potential dating partners, be sure to protect yourself and do not give out your personal information. Communicate by email in the beginning and then slowly build up a relationship that then leads to phone conversations. If you do meet in person, choose a busy public place for the first few meetings.

Your online dating experience can be a good one if you use caution. Meeting someone new after divorce can be an adventure and by using the Internet to help you in your quest, you may find that new, special relationship you have been looking for.

Way more than we needed to know

This week I learned how a gay man picks up another gay man in a public restroom. Frankly, this was a topic I never gave much thought to, but once it was brought to my attention a number of scenarios flooded my head. First of all I have two teenage sons who go to the men's room unaccompanied on a pretty regular basis. They have on occasion gone to the men's room of certain airports though we have never been to the one in Minneapolis. What if Senator Craig had been in the same men's room as one of my sons and he started with his foot tapping or "accidental foot touching" as it was referred to by the Senator. Would my kids ignore this code? Would they get nervous if a hand came under their stall? Or an eyeball peeking into the crack of the metal divider?? Now that Senator Craig has educated us all about how one picks up another man shouldn't I relay this information to my boys as a warning of the kinds of things that may happen in a public restroom??

I am appalled at the fact that this is yet another issue that parents must address with their children. Not that I believe that the majority of gay men find companionship in this way, in fact I am sure they do not. However, it is clear that there are some sickos like the soon to be former Senator who are still unsure of what their sexual preferences may be and feel that the public restroom is the place to experiment with these feelings.

I am even more appalled that we continue to elect the kind of people who are eager to get on a soapbox to condemn members of our society who may walk to the beat of a different drummer, but in fact operate their own lives in such as manor as to offend us all. No need to wait for the 30th of September Senator, your services are no longer required.

Way more than we needed to know

This week I learned how a gay man picks up another gay man in a public restroom. Frankly, this was a topic I never gave much thought to, but once it was brought to my attention a number of scenarios flooded my head. First of all I have two teenage sons who go to the men's room unaccompanied on a pretty regular basis. They have on occasion gone to the men's room of certain airports though we have never been to the one in Minneapolis. What if Senator Craig had been in the same men's room as one of my sons and he started with his foot tapping or "accidental foot touching" as it was referred to by the Senator. Would my kids ignore this code? Would they get nervous if a hand came under their stall? Or an eyeball peeking into the crack of the metal divider?? Now that Senator Craig has educated us all about how one picks up another man shouldn't I relay this information to my boys as a warning of the kinds of things that may happen in a public restroom??

I am appalled at the fact that this is yet another issue that parents must address with their children. Not that I believe that the majority of gay men find companionship in this way, in fact I am sure they do not. However, it is clear that there are some sickos like the soon to be former Senator who are still unsure of what their sexual preferences may be and feel that the public restroom is the place to experiment with these feelings.

I am even more appalled that we continue to elect the kind of people who are eager to get on a soapbox to condemn members of our society who may walk to the beat of a different drummer, but in fact operate their own lives in such as manor as to offend us all. No need to wait for the 30th of September Senator, your services are no longer required.

DIVORCE RATE TO INCREASE

Yesterday whilst I was posting my blog entry about the decrease in the divorce rate, the newspapers yielded two storylines suggesting the contrary, although this may not have been apparent at first glance. The relevant headlines were along the lines of :
“Interest rates squeeze family budgets as housing becomes unaffordable” and “Cost of a loaf of bread rises above £1.”

Sadly when families begin to struggle financially, pressure upon them increases, relationships become fraught and in due course the divorce rate rises. Hiding the surge in global wheat prices towards the back of newspapers in the business and economic sections does society no favours. It needs to know what is coming next.

FALLING DIVORCE RATE

Figures published last week by the Office for National Statistics show provisional divorce rates in England and Wales at their lowest for 22 years. The figures show a drop in divorces to 12.2 per thousand married men and women, a fall of 7% compared to the 2005 figure of 13.1 per thousand.

According to Resolution, the figures highlight several key issues:

1. The need for cohabitation law reform

The downward trend in divorce rates mirrors falling marriage rates, which are currently at an all-time low and can be attributed - at least in part - to the growing number of people who are choosing to live together and not marry. The number of cohabiting couples in the UK is expected to rise from 2 million to 3.8 million by 2030, and at present six out of ten cohabiting couples believe they have the same rights as married people on separation.

The reality is very different. The present law provides no protection for couples that live together.

The uncertainty and lack of clarity cohabiting couples face means increased insecurity and distress at the time of break up, as well as injustice and high legal costs if couples go to court to resolve their differences. The costs involved in sorting out property rights of cohabiting couples can often exceed those of a fully contested divorce - precisely because there is so little clarity.

Resolution welcomed the recent Law Commission proposals for reforming cohabitation law, and is now pressing the government to move forward and introduce new legislation without delay.

2. The case for a ‘no fault’ divorce system

The figures refer to husbands’ ‘behaviour’ being cited in 54% of divorce cases and wives’ in 32%.This highlights the current fault-based divorce system, which we are keen to move away from. Currently, to divorce, couples need to give a reason for the marriage split. Often they cite “unreasonable behaviour” or adultery to speed up the process, but this can lead to bitter battles. In so many cases, it is impossible to say who is most to blame when a relationship ends.

Resolution would like to see a no-fault system, which gives couples the chance to look forward, rather than back, and agree best how to co-parent the children and how fairly to sort out the finances.

3. The importance of putting children first

The figures show that whilst divorce rates are falling, there are still 125,000 children caught up this difficult and highly emotional process. It’s vital that separating parents put children first. They may no longer be part of a couple, but they will always be a parent.

Alternative methods of dispute resolution, such as mediation and collaborative law are becoming more and more popular. Resolution members aim to minimise the pain of separation and divorce and we are keen to explore options where couples can sit down with their own solicitors, all together in the same room, to work out resolutions, face-to-face. This makes for a more civilised divorce process, giving couples and families a better chance of rebuilding their lives.

Things You Can Do With Your Wedding Ring After Divorce

An innovative New York woman has come up with a creative way to store your wedding ring after divorce. She makes little coffins for wedding rings. At weddingringcoffin.com, for $30 to $35 you can buy miniature, solid-wood coffins with a mahogany finish, velvet interior and a lid allowing for an open or closed casket. The coffins also come with an engraved brass plaque with such messages as: "Bury the past and move on" or "Six feet isn't deep enough!

I find this to be amusing, but I rather get some use out of my wedding ring than have it collect dust in a "coffin". What I want to do with my ring is have it redesigned into a cocktail ring and call it my "Freedom Ring". This way every time I wear it I will be reminded of how my life has changed for the better, after my divorce, just like the ring. Instead of burying our rings, we can redesign them, just like we are redesigning our new lives.

Of course if it will give you satisfaction and relief to flush your ring down the toilet, or throw it out the window, go ahead. You may need to release your anger and getting rid of the ring may the therapy you need. Another more practical option would be just to sell it. Then take the money and treat yourself to a trip, new clothes or something else you have been wanting. Preferably something your ex would have not approved of during your marriage.

Whatever you decide to do with your wedding ring after your divorce, have fun and keep a sense of humor. The ring is a symbol of your former life. Although it may be painful to let go of the past, by letting go of your wedding ring you are paving the way for a new and exciting life.

Protect Yourself From An Abusive Ex In Your Divorce Settlement

If you are a woman who has been abused during your marriage and are now seeking a divorce, be sure to discuss with your lawyer how to protect yourself after the divorce has been settled. The extent of abuse, and the potential for further abuse, should be the most important factors in any divorce settlement. If there is an obvious threat of further abuse to a spouse and/or children, the contact should be limited or completely cut off. The safety of the victims must be the basis for settlement.

If the abuse is confined to the spouse, and isn’t sustained or life threatening, a judge will often arrange for visitation rights with the children. If this is the case, make sure all conditions are met to ensure your own safety when exchanging children for a visit. Judges sometimes draw up conditions for these exchanges that include third parties (trusted friends or family members), performing the exchange in a public place, or other security measures. It is crucial that you protect yourself and make sure that your lawyer or the judge adds these provisions to any visitations with the children in the divorce settlement.

Also, be aware that sometimes a physical abuser can easily turn into an emotional abuser.
Your divorce may be final, but that doesn't mean you ex will automatically stop his abusive behavior. Be on guard, continue to keep your distance from your ex-spouse and keep alert to any possible signs of abuse towards the children.

SOMETHING FOR NOTHING

When I did the weekly food shop yesterday, I had a pleasant surprise; with the use of a Nectar points card, it only came to £2! A trolley load of goodies for free! Except it wasn’t really. If I’ve learnt something from my years on this planet, it’s that you don’t get anything for nothing. What seemed like a free gift was only as a result of all the money I’ve previously spent in that same supermarket. Like everything in life you have to work hard; putting in, so that you can take out and sometimes, despite all the effort, you never manage to do so.

It set me thinking as I weeded the flower beds later; is there anything you ever truly get for free?

Outdoor Man answered that question for me as he threw me a compliment I felt I’d done nothing to earn.

“You’re looking blooming,” he remarked, as I came in through the back door.

“Thank you,” I blushed, before going upstairs where I coyly examined myself in the mirror. Reality dawned; half the flower garden was stuck in my hair!

WHERE RHINOS FEAR TO PASS

Little Girl deserted us for Brownie Camp during our stay in the Lake District. In so doing, I lost my walking companion and had to look instead to Outdoor and Apprentice Men for support and kindred spirit.

It is a human weakness that we invariably hear what we want to hear, misinterpreting messages and signals relayed to us and in so doing ignore our instincts.

“We’re going to take you for some easy climbing beneath the Pike O’ Blisco,” they said. “We’ll carry the gear, but you can bring the provisions in your rucksack, and it’ll only be a short walk to the face because we’ll park on Wrynose Pass.”

I succumbed to human weakness and misinterpreted. Evocatively I conjured up the atmosphere of Rhinos’ Pass. Knowing that no such animals had ever stalked the mountains of Cumbria, I envisaged exciting stone formations at the head of what I understood to be a little used route from Langdale into Eskdale. With only a few foil-wrapped sandwiches on my back and the option to take photos rather than climb, the day would be a doddle, I assumed.

It was not to be. Wrynose Pass climbed steeply from Little Langdale in a series of brows and sharp bends. The road was on a 25% incline and so narrow that 2 rhinos would have struggled to pass and, of course, at every peak or elbow we met a vehicle coming in the opposite direction. 50 metres progress forward resulted in 10 metres back to a passing place with the accompanied agony of watching our car edge forward with only millimetres on either side between a drystone wall and the oncoming traffic. It was not a route for the faint hearted and, whilst I would like to think I began to cope with the angst created, in truth I arrived at the top a shaking shadow of my true self.

The view appeared magnificent but in genuine Boys’ Own Adventure style I was not permitted the time to appreciate it or recover. So Swiss Army penknife at the ready, I pulled my rucksack onto my back in anticipation that our destination was just around the corner. Strangely the sandwiches weighed much heavier than expected; something to do with high-energy cereal bars and bananas I discovered later. As for that short walk, yes it wasn’t so long but it was uphill, at Outdoor and Apprentice Men’s pace. Heart pounding and breathless, I reached the point where the climbing began.
Its name: BLACK Crag!