GOD SAVE THE QUEEN

Great news, we are getting another extra Bank Holiday next year too; this time it’s to celebrate the 60th anniversary of the Queen's accession to the throne. I have to confess I could get really used to these 4 day working weeks. According to reports today there will be another display of pageantry as Her Majesty glides down the Thames on the Royal Barge. The rest of us, however, are being encouraged to participate in what has to be another Big Society idea; yes it is being proposed that we should eat lunch with our neighbours!

Now that’s all well and good if your neighbours are offering to cook and they are congenial company. What happens though if you don’t like the folks next door? After all it could even be your ex living there (these arrangements do happen, believe me)? You won’t have spoken for months and you know they can’t even cook toast without burning it. Oh well one of you has 12 months to find somewhere else to live.

THEY DO THINGS BIGGER IN AMERICA

It may no longer be permissible in England and Wales but across the Atlantic in Illinois you can sue for breach of promise to marry.

The latest in the history of complaints filed for such involves two young lawyers in Chicago, who’d fixed their wedding for 21st August 2010. In time honoured tradition, approximately a month before, the groom went with friends to Las Vegas for a stag night or two. As the complaint that has been lodged says: the groom, “believing that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas,” did not confess upon his return that he had indulged in intimate relations with one Danielle. Perhaps that was hardly surprising because when the bride to be found out she clearly was none too happy and is now suing her ex whom she claims ultimately called off the marriage on 28 July 2010, and the next day blamed her for his indiscretions in Nevada.

In her complaint the would-have-been bride seeks damages of $62,814.71 for her out of pocket and non-refundable expenses in relation to the wedding, reception and honeymoon together with recompense for the intentional infliction of emotional distress. Alleging breach of a fiduciary duty of implied fidelity the claimant asks the court to find that her ex’s behaviour was “extreme and outrageous” causing her to “suffer severe emotional distress.” By way of compensation she asks the court to award damages in excess of Cook County limits together with punitive damages and her legal fees.

I don’t know what the lady’s chances of success are but the claim is larger than many I’ve seen in divorce cases involving adultery. London might be gaining a reputation as the divorce capital of the world but Chicago must take some beating when it comes to compensation for breaking off engagements!

DUMPING DANGERS

Events last week highlighted the dangers that can follow the ending of a relationship.

The news was dominated by the story of Raoul Moat allegedly shooting at his ex-partner, killing her new boyfriend and severely wounding a police officer, leading to the grim spectacle of armed police tracking him down in Northumberland.

In the same week Akmol Miah, a 15 year old boy, was given a life sentence at the Old Bailey for setting fire to his ex-girlfriend’s home after she’d ditched him, killing both her and her sister.

Whatever is happening here? Is the country filled with dumped maniacs fuelled by the passion of vengeance? Should would-be partners be asking to see the results of mental health and CRB checks before dating, or for police protection when ditching?

THE X FACTOR

Vote
Originally uploaded by alancleaver_2000

I thought the X Factor would be an appropriate title for an election night entry to this blog. However, I anticipate that you will already have visited your local polling station to place an X against the name of your favourite candidate. Accordingly what I really want to talk about is something else: the ex-factor.

It never ceases to please me when I hear about how well some people get on following their divorce, in some cases even when the proceedings themselves had been fraught or even hostile.

Conversely I can be re-consulted by people months or years after their divorce when an issue arises usually concerning child maintenance or contact.

Bewildered, my client complains that they used to get on with their ex but suddenly communication has become difficult and he or she is now behaving in a ridiculous manner. Careful probing invariably reveals an innocent trigger on one or the other’s part; perhaps a new relationship, a house-move, a different job even a hair cut or weight–loss. Jealousy, competitiveness, bitterness and envy can all come sweeping to the fore and nobody knows when.

The truth is that you may have been married to your ex but that was in the past. You don’t know them now. You have no idea where they have got to emotionally, whether they have moved on or if they are locked steadfastly in the past or somewhere in between. Never, ever assume that, at the same pace, you have both reached the same place or even planet. Assume anything and you assume at your peril.

Remember even if you don’t think you have the X Factor, there may be the ex to factor.

HOW TO STOP HATING YOUR EX

Stop hating your ex must sound like a tall order for many people, but this book by René Ashton seeks to show you how. “I wanted someone to tell me how in the world I was to escape the grips of this ferocious animal wreaking havoc in my life,” she writes; she’s not describing her ex, however, but instead her anger.

René forwarded me a copy of the book in advance of its US publication date last week. I’m sure that it will only be a matter of time before it’s available in the UK too. More like a work-book than a reference source, it’s written in a very down to earth style and pushes the reader onward in a mission of self-healing asking for deliberated responses to questions posed, even providing lined pages for the replies.

“You cannot change your ex. Try as you may. Manipulate as you may. Punish, kick, scream, whatever your tactic, it won’t work”, she reminds us. “The only thing you can change is yourself to make things different.” Through the book, she endeavours to train the reader how to let go and draws on her own experience in illustrating the depths to which the broken hearted and wronged can sink but also how they can move on.

René clearly feels strongly that children should have the right to be co-parented properly. She spares no punches when she identifies those careless or vindictive comments that can cause untold harm and urges the reader to “talk to a professional (not your kids), unload on your friends (not your kids).”

If you feel caught in a trap of negativity or denial as a result of relationship breakdown, it could help but you mustn’t expect any sympathy. “You have the capacity to change,” and that’s what the author wants you to do.

TEA FOR TWO

The traditional “British cuppa” has recently come under attack. To begin with Iranian scientists claimed to have found a link between drinking tea that’s too hot and cancer of the oesophagus. Then an elderly Lancashire man was arrested for allegedly trying to poison his ex-wife by adding mercury to her cup of tea.

There was a time when the biggest danger in drinking tea was being asked to read the tea leaves afterwards. These days, however, it seems that it needs to carry a Government Health Warning: “Divorcees beware, drinking tea can seriously damage your health.”

THE SILLY FILLY

Despite earlier resolutions I am unable to resist the opportunity to blog again about the Silly Filly and the Ex. They are no longer an item. He’s had a breakdown and she drove him to it. She abandoned him in the fast lane from where he was transported to a specialist body and recovery centre.

I can’t wait to honk the horn and wave at the Silly Filly as she queues at the bus stop in the morning.

For the beginning of this saga of woe, click here

THE JOY OF GIVING

Christmas has come to our town centres and for some the joy of giving can mean unbearable pressure and debt. Take my friend Constance for instance (click here for the blog entry when I first introduced you to her):

It seems she started Christmas shopping for her children a month or so ago now and keeps adding to the sum owed on her credit card debt almost daily, as her resistance to the demands placed on her by the ex’s relationship with their children steadily diminishes. Last night she told me that she’s just ordered the latest games console for her youngest (despite the fact that the child already possesses 2 earlier versions) because she knows the said child has been manipulating the ex to buy her mobile phone cum MP3 player cum 5 mega pixel camera and she can’t risk being outdone. Sadly I had to admit that she made me feel somewhat limited in imagination and generosity when I confessed to an intention to give Little Girl and Apprentice Man a book apiece and a box of toffees between them.

Later, Little Girl divulged her view that if (heaven forbid) Outdoor Man and I were to separate, then she might fare much better with her Christmas stocking than is usually the case. Hmmm, not that I really enjoy being manipulated, but maybe I’d better make it a box of toffees each this year.

THE DIVORCE PARTY

Anecdotal evidence gleaned from clients would suggest that divorce parties seem to becoming more commonplace and whilst it’s not entirely de rigeur to invite one’s solicitor to such an event, I confess to receiving the occasional invitation. In case you are tempted to organise one, I thought it might be useful to highlight 10 absolute do-nots :

1.Don’t invite the ex; he/she will spoil your night.

2.Don’t invite the ex in-laws; they’ll spoil it too and worse still tell the ex all about it afterwards.

3.Don’t play soppy love songs, least of all from the era you met; nothing brings on the tears more than a little alcohol and nostalgia. Take a look at my song list included in my profile instead.

4.Don’t let off fireworks without checking the latest regulations as to hours of use etc..

5.Don’t try cutting the cake alone, backwards or whatever; just cut the cake out of the do altogether.

6.Don’t break off the dancing for everyone to gather around for a burial of the wedding ring in the garden; someone always sneaks back to dig it up later.

7.Don’t decide to hold your party in Dublin, Prague or any other top stag/hen night city in Europe; all those gangs of guys and girls in pre-marital celebratory mood will spoil your own attempts at excess;

8.Don’t allow any speeches; public pillorying is regarded as bad form.

9.Don’t expect presents; what can guests bring for a divorcee who already has half of everything?

10.Don’t cry. This will be your divorce night not your or your daughter’s wedding day.

FRIENDS REUNITED

On Saturday I met up with old school friends for the occasion of one of our number’s half centenary. Some of them I hadn’t seen for 30 years and I understand that a number of the invitations had gone out and the recipients tracked down through the Friends Reunited website. It is a solemn fact, however, that most divorce lawyers must have handled a case where Friends Reunited was involved in reintroducing one of the parties to an ex girlfriend or boyfriend from their school days. I’ve never quite understood the attraction in travelling backwards rather than forwards, but I must admit that the evening was enjoyably nostalgic and yes all the teenage acne had disappeared too.

I SPOTTED THE EX IN TOWN

photo by Nettsu (terms of distribution- some rights reserved)

I spotted the Ex the other day. He was being driven around town by the Silly Filly. I swear that he looked greyer than I remember. I suppose that’s what happens when you cavort with someone half my age. He was also suffering from a nasty scrape on his offside. He certainly didn’t look too smug about that when he realised I’d noticed.

As for her, you’ll know the type. Legs the length of drainpipes with stiletto heels to match and a mini skirt to flaunt it all in. No, of course I’m not jealous.

Anyway the Ex looked perfectly ridiculous with those fluffy pink dice hanging from his rear view mirror and I’m certain it was Boyzone blaring from the CD player.

NO, I am definitely NOT jealous. Honestly! Look, I couldn’t care less. It was me who ditched him, remember. Besides I’m now in a new relationship too…

For previous instalments go to:
New partner

Moving in Together

One Good Turn Deserves Another