NE'ER CAST A CLOUT

“Ne’er cast a clout till May be out,” the saying goes. Nonetheless, with temperatures hitting 21 degrees Celsius in my garden this weekend, I could not be persuaded to continue on in my woollen vest and mittens. Neither, however, have I been tempted to put my winter clothes away.

We are, of course, all very good at ignoring the advice of older relatives despite the fact that they only ever have our best interests at heart. It’s probably a trick we learned in out teens, when our parents seemed adept at attempting to manipulate our lives. There are times though when it is worth listening to Old Wives and their tales. Their expertise is based on years of experience and early April with a fickle wind blowing is only one of those times.

CARTOON HUMOUR

As you know I’m a great believer that humour can relieve the stresses and strains of divorce. I’m not alone. Dan Rosandich, a fulltime cartoonist and illustrator, has put together an extensive collection of divorce cartoons which he licenses for use. Dan tells me that his cartoons have been used not only by lawyers for newsletters but also psychologists and counsellors who have used them to help clients understand certain aspects of their behaviour in a humorous way. I’m all in favour; laughter is a great healer.

REVAMPING THE IMAGE

Hey, there’s nothing wrong with a bit of re-modelling. If your nearest and dearest has walked out on you and you want to look good, or not, as the case may be, it’s your life; your choice. One word of warning though beards might keep your chin warm but they don’t look as good on women as they do on Santa Claus!

A CHOCOLATEY COUNTDOWN

I finally gave in. 2010 will be known as the first year I let Little Girl (now 14 by the way) have a chocolate Advent calendar. Well it’s always been a point of principle before, but how could I resist when I spotted one where the profits go to charity; the chocolate is Fairtrade; the Nativity scene is posted on the front, and behind each door there is an instalment of the Christmas story? I’m not sure that I approve of the hearty dose of chocolate immediately after her breakfast but on the basis that the weather has been somewhat cold even for early December and she cleans her teeth afterwards, I’ve decided not to nag.

In fact I’m now going to recommend chocolate Advent calendars to any lady contemplating divorce in the New Year. On the basis that women are reputedly all chocoholics at heart, go on, get yourself one. If it makes you feel better and gets you through the run up to Christmas, who cares? After all, come January, you can sign up to a gym, solicitor and dieting classes.

THE LONG ROAD TO RECOVERY

When undergoing the trauma of marriage or relationship breakdown counselling is often a sensible option to help cope with the trauma and its effect on one’s emotional well-being. Lack of confidence and poor self esteem are not uncommon, especially after an abusive relationship. When a marital bond disintegrates, identity and self worth stemming from it disintegrate too and depression can set in. Some hardy souls pick up the pieces and get on with things. For many the transition back to a feeling of normality can take much longer and support is needed.

For those who decide that counselling is the proper option for them the problem can be finding the right counsellor. There are apparently no laws in the UK that govern counselling, and whilst there are qualifications and professional bodies, these can often be confusing and overwhelming. Counselling can take many different approaches, from person-based to psychoanalytic, and it’s important to choose a counsellor with an approach you will be comfortable with and respond to well. So how on earth do you find a counsellor to fit your situation?

I have recently been referred to Counselling Directory and it appears to be a simpleway of connecting people that need help with the people that provide it. A comprehensive search tool allows postcode, town and country searches, and produces a list of counsellors registered in this area. Each counsellor has a profile about themselves and the site shows which counsellors are registered/accredited with a professional body. Importantly I understand that full profiles are only displayed after insurance and qualification documents are checked or membership with a professional body has been verified.

There are also articles on the site written by the counsellors, as well as comprehensive information on all kinds of distress: from depression to eating disorders, to help people identify their problems and become informed, not scared.

BLOOMING AGAIN

Visitors to my home frequently delight me by arriving bearing gifts. At this time of year flowering pot plants are keenly appreciated and make a colourful and vivid contrast to the sombre monotones that otherwise seem to dominate our existence. Sadly, however, the flowers droop, then fall and, as spring turns to summer, I have a display of depressed looking greenery on my kitchen windowsill. More out of routine than conscious effort they absorb the water and Baby Bio poured in their direction, but as the days shorten one begins to despair of their forlorn and hopeless attitude; will they ever bloom again? It always pleases me, therefore, when, as winter strengthens its grip, tiny shoots of recovery appear and, gradually during the shortest days of the year, those once subdued, sullen and sickly stalks blossom again with a profusion of pink and purple petals.

WRITE AWAY

According to her website Leah Carey combines a background in professional theatre, training as a Spiritual Life Coach, and a lifetime of psychic experiences to support her clients in experiencing their own light. Leah's goal in all of her work is to support her clients in embracing and claiming their own self-empowerment.

On 18th November she initiated a free online writing experience called WriteAway for people who have been through divorce. The WriteAway concept is based on the use of writing as a healing art. Every weekday morning she posts a writing prompt that offers participants a vehicle for exploring their thoughts, beliefs, feelings, and experiences around divorce

At her website there is also a WriteAway Forum to support participants and once a week, she blogs in response to what she is reading on the boards. The primary aim is to maintain and promote an atmosphere of healing and forward movement.

A MEANING TO LIFE

A’level results today and an important milestone in Apprentice Man’s life was reached successfully. Soon he’ll be leaving us for the distant world of university but today we are revelling in parental pride.

Many people after a separation, whether as a result of children fleeing the nest or relationship breakdown, feel they have nothing left to be proud about. They have lived their life in the shadow of or for the benefit of others and suddenly they are bereft, struggling to give meaning to their life or find a basis for their own self esteem. I was delighted therefore to come across this website recently: Healing Baskets. Yes baskets are available to try to provide help in all kinds of troubled times. You may never have thought of expressing your support with a basket, but some of the contents suggest exactly the sentiments the recently separated can need to hear in order to start the recovery process. For instance: mugs inscribed with “Once a goddess, always a goddess;” pewter pocket charms with the inscription “You make the World a better place;” garden kits because “every flower has to grow through a lot of dirt.”

A MATTER OF TASTE

One of the depressing side effects of divorce or indeed any stressful experience can be the havoc it plays with our weight. Some people turn to comfort eating, others find it impossible to eat properly or regularly. In time, a strict regime of sensible eating is often required to turn things to normal.

I have known both clients and friends flirt with various fad-diets. One of them I recall requires replacing two meals a day with bowls of cereal. I was therefore somewhat surprised to read in the results of a Which survey today that such breakfast cereal contains as much sugar as a helping of chocolate fudge cake premium ice-cream. I’m sorry but if I’m in need of sugar, and there’s a choice between ice-cream and an insipid cardboard-tasting breakfast cereal, I know which way I’d prefer to ingest it.

THE MIGHTY QUEENS OF FREEVILLE

The Mighty Queens of Freeville is Amy Dickinson’s story of her life and the effect upon it both of her own and of her parents’ divorce. It’s easy to read and in places more like a novel than an autobiography. Importantly it is not a tale about divorce itself, so there are no gory details of fallings out (unless you can count reference to an argument about the Prime Minister of Pakistan) nor does it seek to wash dirty linen in public. As Amy says they divorced “nicely.”

What it does do is normalise the emotions that accompany marriage break up, describing how she loved her husband dearly and still did when she woke up the next day, until she remembered that he was leaving her. She recounts how she used to congratulate herself for not calling him and would lie in bed promising not to telephone the following morning either. She recalls the pain at handing her young daughter over for contact, the child’s arms locked around her in an embrace that she could not undo. She even remembers the emotions she encountered as child when her own father left and she visited him and his new partner. She describes dashing from work to collect her daughter from school and building her whole life around their relationship together.

The book is spiced with moments of humour including her first attempts at dating again. She learned to forget to worry about a career and instead concentrate on the family that was important to her, returning eventually to live in the hometown she had grown up in.

She rails at the family values enunciated by politicians and concedes that hers is the imperfect broken unit they attack whilst failing to recognise that, though not perfect, it functions adequately.

There cannot be many Agony Aunts prepared to be so honest in print and in acknowledging that divorce runs through her family “like an aggressive chromosome” she also thanks her family, particularly the women in it, for the support they gave her in helping her come to terms with and handle the experience.

Any complaints? Only that I thought it should have been longer.

My thanks to the publishers Hyperion for forwarding a copy of the book to read and review.

THE JOURNEY

One of the many things that I find irritating about TV talent shows is when a participant is interviewed and without exception bursts into tears and describes the experience of competing as an incredible journey. I have no quibble, however, with the idea of a journey as a metaphor for life itself and the ups and downs that it throws at us.

Last Wednesday I began a week’s holiday with a journey of my own. It was across Switzerland and started in cloudy conditions at Zurich where I landed by plane. To begin with there was the mad panic of finding my way from airport arrivals to the appropriate station platform along with assorted pieces of baggage. Travelling through urban scenery there was the highlight of the first glimpse of a lake as the cityscape began to recede and the downside of changing trains with that heavy luggage to heave from one platform to another. My journey proceeded south-eastwards, climbing gradually into the mountains. The spring buds which had been in evidence in the UK before my journey began were non-existent and the countryside I passed through was still in the grip of winter. Whilst snow at the side of the tracks had thawed in some places, in others it resolutely remained, deep and frozen.

Arriving at my destination in the middle of the afternoon, however, the sky was blue and cloud-free; the sun was shining and the local inhabitants were smiling and welcoming as they helped with the luggage. Yes, my journey too was complete; I had arrived.

FRESH STARTS

I am presently reading “The Mighty Queens of Freeville” by Amy Dickinson, an advice columnist in the USA. In it she tells the story of her life particularly following her divorce. I’m sure that once I’ve finished it, I shall be reviewing it in this blog. In the meantime and with the kind permission of both Amy and her publishers, Hyperion, I am reproducing below a short essay that Amy has written

Fresh Starts
by Amy Dickinson

I am something of a specialist in starting over.

I don’t reinvent myself when I start over, though sometimes I do get a haircut. What happens to me is that I embrace a new opportunity to experience joy. Happiness. A new haircut. A fresh start. All of that happens after the crying, of course. Preceding each fresh start there are periods of crying, wringing my hands, and not knowing what to do next.

Fortunately for me, when it comes to embracing new beginnings, I have a secret weapon – several of them, in fact. My mother, aunts, and older sisters showed me by example how it’s done. When my own father, a dairy farmer, left our family, he left my mother with four children and a barn full of Holsteins that needed to be milked twice a day. My mother stoically pushed up her sleeves, got her first paying job as a typist in an office, put food on the table and kept our household together. She occasionally leaned on her sisters – also single mothers – and they traded off propping each other up, encouraging, and lending each other money.

Women, I think, tend to experience many fresh starts. We embrace romance, we marry, we have babies, enter, leave and then re-enter the workforce. Sometimes, our romances fade. Our children grow and leave. Our parents age and need us. We start over.

After my own husband suddenly left our marriage, I started over as a single mother. I raised my daughter, Emily, the best way I knew how, with the women in my life watching my back. Emily saw me start new jobs, tolerate unemployment, and suffer through blind dates. We started over a few times, she and I. After living in London, we moved to Washington DC and then Chicago. Each time, we made a home for ourselves, complete with friends, pets, houseplants, and new job opportunities. In 17 years as a single mother, I learned how to roll with the punches, to make and change plans, and to embrace the possibilities.

When Emily graduated from high school and left home for college, I chose another new beginning. I moved back to my little hometown of Freeville, NY – back to the landscape of my childhood and back into the orbit of the inspiring women who raised me. I was there, ostensibly, to care for my mother, who was ailing, but what I received for myself was another fresh start. There, among my family, I became a caregiver – and, surrounded by the people of my world, I started again.

I was already happy, but then one day joy literally came knocking on my door. He was someone I’ve known my whole life, and after an old fashioned period of courtship, we submitted to our happy ending, and after 17 long years of single mothering, I got yet another fresh start.

While on my book tour, I’m frequently reminded of my own vulnerabilities. I miss my family and I can’t seem to find a fresh place to change my clothes. When I start to take myself too seriously, I remember that around every corner lurks a pack of mumbling 15-year-olds, prepared to waste me by rejection. But then I draw on the lessons learned by a long life of starting over – and I decide to keep going.

ONWARDS AND UPWARDS

Outdoor Man took me away for the weekend to a small hotel above the shores of Lake Windermere. The kitchen there is famed for its fine dishes and my aim was to relax and indulge in some sumptuous living.

Outdoor Man was having none of it. To justify dinner on Saturday evening, I had to accompany him on a long walk. Knowing I have an allergy to uphill slogs, he assured me that it was to be a gentle meandering stroll. Maybe my memory is playing tricks, because donned in hiking boots, several protective layers and trekking poles at the ready, I recall that we headed off – UPWARDS!

Still it was a pleasure to be in the open countryside and even if the summit was chilled by an Arctic wind, I had a thoroughly enjoyable time. So too did the other couples and families that we came across and to whom we said hello and exchanged smiles and pleasantries.

The only exception seemed to be the angry brigade; a succession of solitary men, all dressed in high visibility red. They appeared to regard couples showing pleasure in the surroundings as something of an impediment to the routes they were covering at high speed. Could they all have been recently separated? They were apparently alone in the world and marching off their frustrations using good old fresh air and exercise for therapy. Mind, I’m sure that by the time they descended late in the afternoon their anger would have dissipated and they would have managed to smile at any late stragglers they passed.

As for me, I must have done well, because Outdoor Man didn’t just let me have dinner but dessert as well!

PHONE A FRIEND

This evening I have been abandoned. Outdoor and Apprentice Men have taken crampons and gone off to the Highlands of Scotland, Little Girl is staying at her Grandma’s and I have the house to myself. Home alone then dinner for one; whatever shall I do next, I wondered. Nobody to tidy up after this evening; nobody’s clothes to get ready; nobody to discuss the contents of the newspaper with or to ask for help in completing the last two clues in the crossword.

Anyway I found the ideal solution. If you ever find yourself alone, bereft and unable to finish the crossword, phone a friend! Or, as I did, five of them!

A word of advice though, first get yourself one of those contracts that gives you unlimited calls and that way the bill for two hours gossiping by phone will never come back to haunt you and spoil the pleasure. Also never ever spend that long on the phone if your recently separated partner is paying the bill and you don’t have an unlimited contract, because they’ll only pay it once, after which they’ll fight to the bitter end over the rest of your finances as a point of principle. Finally whatever you do, don’t ring the other side of the world and leave the phone off the hook (even unlimited contracts don’t cover that kind of thing); whatever your former partner did to you, it won’t get you even and ultimately a Judge could make you pay from your share of the settlement!

LUCKY ESCAPE

Snow Traffic
Originally uploaded by Joey B.
Leaving work this evening I encountered traffic struggling in the snowy weather. Most drivers, sensitive to the road conditions, were being completely sensible but then I encountered Mr Transit Van Driver. Thinking only of himself he failed to look as he charged onto the roundabout across my path; perhaps I was meant to be bowled over but instead I took emergency avoiding action, skidded and halted only inches from his bonnet. What one might call a lucky escape!

That’s an expression used frequently by divorcing clients; those who’ve reached the stage where they can look at half-empty bottles and describe them as half-full. Looking at life with optimism or even smiling in the face of adversity has much to recommend it. On my part, stopped on that roundabout, I could only grind my teeth and simmer silently, especially when Mr Transit Van Driver then suddenly changed direction and forced his way across the lanes, causing chaos to other road users, as he left the roundabout as rapidly as he had entered it.

A FIRST AID KIT FOR BREAK-UPS

Whilst shopping with Little Girl yesterday (I carry the bags and provide the money, whilst she buys), I came across a pile of playing card size boxes in one store claiming to be “Break-Up Survival Kits.” Intrigued, I picked one up to examine the list of contents. As well as what must have been a very small print survival manual full of useful hints, they contained:

1. Stickers to deface photos of the ex (clearly total destruction doesn’t work anymore?)
2. A poster on which to write the 10 worst things about the ex ( a blank sheet of paper just won’t suffice)
3. A mirror (no explanation as to why, and presumably just on the off chance you might not have one in your home after dividing the house contents).
4. A sticker to place on your telephone to warn you not to call the ex (I assume for those people whose memories are failing and believe they are still a couple)

Needless to say they were on a display marked “reduced” and I suspect that the failure of the store to shift those boxes at their full price may have had more to do with their contents, than a downturn in the number of couples separating.

It did make me wonder though whether there is an actual market for such a kit and if so what it should contain? Handkerchief in case it’s a really bad experience; chocolate to make you feel better; dating agency details for when you are ready to seek out someone new, perhaps. Has anyone any other ideas – together we could be onto a winning patent?

CONGRATULATIONS AND CELEBRATIONS

Today we celebrated my brother in law’s 60th birthday with a family party. Of course such a celebration should never really be about attaining a certain age, but instead about what one has achieved in the preceding years. Certainly my nephews and nieces came up with a string of interesting facts and statistics on that one, before we performed the birthday toast.

It reminded me of an occasion when, once upon a time, I was eating in a local bistro, and totally co-incidentally, or maybe as a result of divine intervention, a client of some 15 years before was also there with a group of friends. I was invited to join their table to toast the anniversary of her divorce or rather, as it was explained to me, 15 years in sole charge of both the TV remote control and toilet seat!

LOOKING FORWARDS

This evening I have been to a school awards evening. The guest speaker was a person who had survived adversity and in so doing, and with the help of family and friends, had striven to take on new and more demanding challenges. His advice to students will have a particular resonance for many readers of this blog for he stressed that life's unexpected traumas can be the seeds from which to achieve greater things and that there is no point looking backwards, only forwards where your future lies.

A PAMPER DAY

When stressed or depressed wisdom dictates that we need to look after ourselves. So it is that Spa Days with mud baths and massages have grown in popularity and are highly promoted as a means of inducing personal well-being.

Yesterday in the company of a group of friends, I had the pleasure of a walk in the Eden Valley. Whilst the weather was kind, conditions underfoot were affected by the weeks of dismal rain we’ve been enduring. Squish, squash, squelch, squelch was the order of the day. Needless to say I fell in it, got my leg stuck in it and was generally covered in mud when we were finished. Now I don’t suppose that mud did much to cleanse my pores or moisturise my skin, but at the end of the day I had a radiant complexion and felt totally de-stressed and fitter than when I had set off. What’s more all the exercise and fresh air ensured that I enjoyed a long and peaceful night’s sleep.

As an alternative therapy muddy walks in the countryside have to be recommended and, unlike many spa treatments, don’t cost a penny!

A BEACH BBQ

Little Girl had a beach party and barbecue today to celebrate another birthday. 40 miles from the seaside, it took a little organising at the bottom of the garden. Outdoor and Apprentice Men took the easy route out and went off sailing for the weekend leaving me to run the show. You know what the great thing is about having no menfolk around? You get to light the barbie and twiddle with the sausages!