Beating the Christmas blues

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to heaven, we were all going direct the other way.

Dickens- A Tale of Two Cities

The hardest part at Christmas when you are separated or divorced, especially when your children aren't with you, is the sense of loneliness. It is accentuated by it being Christmas- when all around you there are carols being sung, peace and joy being proclaimed, and underlying it all a message of love.

When you're alone, and feeling unloved, it can be a bit hard to take. The pain at times can feel overwhelming. It can be numbing, crushing, and make you question your inner beliefs. Like acid, it eats away at you, and you start to wonder whether you have done anything right to anybody in your life.

As a friend of mine said to me pithily the other day: "Snap out of it."

It is vitally important to stop wallowing in self-pity, especially at Christmas. You have a life to lead, a joyous productive life, where you can by your daily actions improve the lives of others, as well as yourself.

Beating the Christmas blues

1. Think positively. Stop wallowing in self-pity.Even in the worst moments, you have lots to offer yourself and others, especially family and friends. It is much easier to look at a glass half full than one half empty.
2. Be with people who love you, if possible, such as family and friends. Support networks are vital. If you don't have anyone, think about how you will get a support network in the new year. Join a club or association or go to church. Before you know it, you will have friends who love and accept you for who you are.
3. Help others, if you can't be with people who love you. There are always people worse off at Christmas than you. The fact that you have been able to read this online means that you are ahead of many people already.
4. Smell the roses. Remember that life moves a day at a time. Squeeze the joy out of every day. There may have been little things that you liked before that you have overlooked or not noticed. Get in touch with what brings you joy. Think of those interests that you gave away when you were in a relationship, but you have always wanted to do. Fishing, cooking, travel, watching the cricket, here we come.
5. Get counselling. It is always good to talk to an objective, supportive counsellor. There is no shame in doing so. This may be hard on Christmas Day. Lifeline operates a free 24/7 counselling service: 13 11 14. It is always better to talk to someone than do something stupid.
6. Make realistic goals. The year has almost ended, and the new year is about to start. What realistic goals do you need to make to help put your life on track? If you are not seeing your children, what do you need to do to ensure that you can see them? You may have to go through family dispute resolution, see a family lawyer like me, or even as a last resort go to court. Think it through.
7. Take care of yourself. Don't be too hard on yourself. Your body and mind are your temples. Look after them and nurture them.
8. Get fit. One of the key ways to turn your life around. There is nothing like fitness to dispel feelings of gloom. A rush of oxygen and endorphins, better self-image, and feeling better and stronger, is one of the best ways to beat the Christmas blues.

Merry Christmas one and all.

DO I, DON'T I?

So it’s your first Christmas apart and you’ve decided to send your ex a card. The dilemma that now faces you, is what do you write inside and how do you sign off? “Best wishes,” sounds a little too distant; “regards,” is far too formal; “love from,” is just plainly inappropriate. Then if you can work out the correct sentiment do you put “xxx” after your name or not? Yes, you do write it on Aunt Ethel’s card but she is elderly and she is not your estranged spouse. Of course you could just write your name, after all the card itself will carry a printed message in any event; but a name by itself looks exactly that and you don’t want the ex thinking of you as all alone, one short name on a piece of paper.

Frankly the time spent agonising over “Do you, don’t you and if you do, how?” is not worth it. Far, far easier to pick up the phone and wish them a Merry Christmas verbally. If you are unable to communicate directly in that way then don’t send a card; it’s meaning is going to be misinterpreted and you may regret it later.

CHRISTMAS SHOPPING AT THE DIVORCE SALOON

Have you started your Christmas shopping yet or are you like me and do you put it off to the last minute? Are you divorced or do you know somebody who is? If so, The Divorce Saloon Store, open 24/7, might have all the gifts you are looking for. Check it out now at :
http://www.divorcesaloon.com/store/

MERRY EX-MAS

I received an e-mail this morning promoting an album by The Irreconcilables entitled “Merry Ex-Mas- Holiday Songs for the Divorced and Soon To Be”. It includes songs, such as “Frosty, My Ex-Wife,” as featured on You Tube, with such notable lines as “Frosty my ex-wife was the coldest thing I know.” It’s clearly written by songwriters who share my view that divorce is painful but can be easier to bear if you can bring yourself to smile.

CHRISTMAS IS COMING

Guess what? Christmas is coming again! How on earth have I sussed out this amazing fact before anyone else? It must be something to do with being a divorce lawyer I guess and not at all because of the tinsel and flashing lights that have begun to adorn Darlington not to mention the Santa Clauses in the shop windows. Sadly it’s that time of year when solicitors’ offices are besieged by enquiries from estranged parents about Christmas contact. It may shortly be the season of goodwill but there’s a surfeit of malice and vindictiveness in the air when one parent seeks to deny the other contact with their children without good cause. Contact with both parents is the right of every child and it should only be curtailed or severed where, in the most serious of circumstances, this is necessary to protect the child. How many times do we hear people say Christmas is for the children? So come on let’s all have a very happy yuletide, stop the bickering and let them enjoy quality time with each of you.

LET IT SNOW

Never being one to leave Christmas shopping until the last second, I had arranged to use my last day’s annual leave today for that very purpose. Determined not to let a few inches of snow impede the task in hand, I set off for a local shopping centre. Imagine my delight to arrive there amongst the ice and snow flurries to find it open for business as usual with only a limited number of other shoppers. “Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow,” I shivered.

Wandering around I bumped into a client who shared similar thoughts. “Every snow storm has a silver lining,” she confided. “Once divorced your shopping takes half the time, with only half the people to buy gifts for!” Tempting, I thought, as I surveyed shelf after shelf seeking something called “inspiration.”

Mind if anyone is stuck trying to find the perfect Christmas gift for that would-be divorcee, it seems Lloyd Platt Limited, family lawyers in London, have incurred the criticism of the Church of England by offering divorce vouchers at £125 for a half hour’s advice. Can I disappoint readers by letting you know that Latimer Hinks will not be doing the same this festive season, but then it already offers a free no obligation half-hour session to divorce clients and its regular fees are less than that anyway.

DEAR SANTA

Dear Santa

Thank you so much for the two Nintendo Wiis, the two black Labrador pups and the two complete works of William Shakespeare that you brought me last year. It was very kind of you, but after the two Siamese kittens, the two X boxes and the two complete sets of the Encyclopaedia Britannia the year before, I had rather hoped that you might have delivered different gifts to my parents’ separate homes. Of course, they were both very excited to each see me open my gifts but as you will appreciate it was very difficult for me to keep the enthusiasm going for their benefit.

Also neither was happy not to have outdone the other, although Mum was gutted to discover that my stocking at Dad’s house had an I-Tunes voucher in it, when there were only nuts and sweets in the one I hung from her mantelpiece; maybe the second one fell in the fire as you were coming down her chimney. Mind Dad was equally displeased when he learned that John, my Mum’s boyfriend, had given me a DVD player. So, if there’s anything from him this year, can you just leave it in your sleigh and give it to someone whose parents are still together.

Just so you know I’m at Dad’s on Christmas morning this year and then as soon as we’ve eaten dinner I dash to Mum’s for 2.30 pm and dinner with her. That said I don’t actually like cooked carrots, parsnips or brussel sprouts, and especially not twice in one day. If, therefore, your reindeers are feeling peckish they would be doing me a big favour if they’d eat those, rather than helping you with the mince pies.

Oh but please help yourself to as much as you fancy of the sherry that Mum leaves out for you. She can get very maudlin after she’s had a drop or two and then starts to cry about the divorce and how it’s spoilt Christmas for her.

Also, and I don’t know how this works but if it’s possible to give Dad some cash in his stocking I’d be grateful. That way he can give Mum the maintenance that she says he owes and she won’t threaten to stop our contact.

Finally if you get a chance to sprinkle any of that Christmas magic you bring with you, can you stop my parents arguing when Dad drops me off? It gets quite embarrassing the way they yell at each other in the street, especially when they are wearing paper party hats!

Yours sincerely
Name deleted to protect anonymity

xxx

CHRISTMAS PRESENT

The trouble with specialising in divorce cases is that you can begin to spot divorce everywhere even at Christmas time. So it was that I became extremely disturbed when visited by one of my neighbours this afternoon.
“Ran out,” she said, “And on Christmas Eve too. I wouldn’t care so much if it was just us, but it’s the children I’m more bothered about. It could hit them hard.”
Now just as I was beginning to think that my holiday hadn’t started after all, I realised we were on different planets. Certainly I came back to Earth with a bump when she mentioned the word “sellotape.”
“Have you got some I can use? I have to get their presents wrapped?”

THE SEASON OF GOODWILL

It’s the season of goodwill and peace to all men, except your spouse of course. When most police forces are gearing up to reduce alcohol related incidents in our town centres or to breathalyse drunken drivers, police in County Durham have announced a new initiative to help counter domestic violence. Statistically Christmas Day invariably shows a significant increase in the number of incidents of violence in the home reported to the police. In Durham funding has been given for head cams, which means that when responding to a victim’s call they will now automatically film what they see, leaving their hands free to deal with the situation. Hopefully response times will be quick enough to enable them not only to capture the incident on camera but more importantly to intervene to prevent serious damage. In the meantime any resident of the county who spots a bobby with strange headgear (the exact nature of which I have not as yet seen) should note that he really is a police officer and not an extra for a Doctor Who Christmas Special.

PUT THE KIDS FIRST

Plan ahead and put the children first. That’s the key to a happy Christmas for separated families where the festive season is spoiled for thousands of children each year by feuding parents.

Resolution - which adopts a non-confrontational approach to separation and divorce - is behind the advice.

On the face of it, the idea of two Christmases might seem like a dream come true for children, but the reality for separated families is often very different.

Putting the children first is the key to a happy Christmas:

Christmas - whichever parent it is spent with - should be something to look forward to, but for children caught in the crossfire between separated parents who can’t agree on where they should spend Christmas, excitement can quickly turn into misery.

Resolution has the following advice to help separated families make sure this Christmas is a happy one:

• Make your Christmas plans early to avoid clashes, arguments and upset later.


• Don’t ask your children to choose between you. This risks putting the responsibility on them when the adults should make these difficult decisions.


• Allow your children to express opinions about how they want to spend Christmas and listen to their views without putting pressure on them. When you’ve made the decision, explain it to them so they know what’s going to happen.


• Don’t make it a ‘who can buy the best present’ competition between you and your ex. Discuss what gifts to buy so you don’t duplicate. The likelihood is that what your children will want most of all is an opportunity to spend some time with each parent.


• Make the most of the time you have with your children and allow them to have a say in what you do. This may just mean curling up on the sofa and watching movies together or visiting friends and family. Things could get stressful if you try and do too much.


• Pre-arrange handover times, and stick to them. Try to be positive with your ex-partner so that the children do not pick up any tensions there may be between you. Research has found that children often feel that it’s their fault if their parents fight.


• Be willing to make compromises, in everyone’s interests. Even if you don’t entirely get your first choice result, be gracious about it, not only for the children’s sake, but for your own too. There’ll be other Christmases to try different arrangements.
  

THE CHRISTMAS CRECHE

I am always in favour of any idea that can keep a marriage together, preferring to be instructed by those for whom there is no other option. It is, therefore, with some seasonal joy that I would like to draw to your attention an idea that has begun in Austria where, in the City of Salzburg, a Christmas crèche for men has been set up. Stocked with computer games, newspapers, and a bar, it’s open daily from 4pm to 10pm. Married women and those in a long term relationship are invited to leave their partners whilst they depart for some well-earned retail therapy without the misery of male whingeing. Before they go, however, they are given a numbered ticket which they must present in order to collect their partner at the end of the evening. I wonder what happens if they lose it?

ADVENT

ADVENT, (noun) : the four week period leading up to Christmas beginning on the fourth Sunday before Christmas Day; coming, especially of important person or event; the period of expectant waiting and preparation.

Could there possibly be a link between Advent and divorce? Not at all. It’s a time when, as the Georgia Family Law Blog soundly advises, “Put the legal and financial side of the divorce ‘on hold’ until January, unless you have a hearing this month.”

There was a time when I used to think nobody would ever want to see me in December but no longer. In true Advent form even in a divorce lawyer’s office it has become a time for expectant waiting and preparation, not for Christmas but rather for the steps that are going to be taken in January; the court proceedings that are going to be issued; the correspondence entered into. My computer is bulging with approved drafts and my diary filled with appointments with clients where we plan our strategy and timetable for action commencing in the New Year.

THE JOY OF GIVING

Christmas has come to our town centres and for some the joy of giving can mean unbearable pressure and debt. Take my friend Constance for instance (click here for the blog entry when I first introduced you to her):

It seems she started Christmas shopping for her children a month or so ago now and keeps adding to the sum owed on her credit card debt almost daily, as her resistance to the demands placed on her by the ex’s relationship with their children steadily diminishes. Last night she told me that she’s just ordered the latest games console for her youngest (despite the fact that the child already possesses 2 earlier versions) because she knows the said child has been manipulating the ex to buy her mobile phone cum MP3 player cum 5 mega pixel camera and she can’t risk being outdone. Sadly I had to admit that she made me feel somewhat limited in imagination and generosity when I confessed to an intention to give Little Girl and Apprentice Man a book apiece and a box of toffees between them.

Later, Little Girl divulged her view that if (heaven forbid) Outdoor Man and I were to separate, then she might fare much better with her Christmas stocking than is usually the case. Hmmm, not that I really enjoy being manipulated, but maybe I’d better make it a box of toffees each this year.