AGONY COLUMN FOR DIVORCE LARDIES

Doughnuts

Originally uploaded by zimpenfish

Dear Agony Aunt



I have been in a loveless marriage for the last 10 years and had finally made an appointment with a solicitor in order to start divorce proceedings. I weigh 20 stones and have read this week that divorcing will mean I gain even more pounds. What should I do; I can’t continue to live with my husband but also can’t risk damaging my health by adding to my obesity?



Janet





Dear Janet



Despite what you have read in the newspapers, the study which was undertaken by Ohio University actually found that whilst marital transition causes women to gain weight following marriage, it is men who are more likely to add to their girth on divorce. In contrast most women actually lose weight dealing with the trauma of separation. Therefore you should go for it girl, get to that appointment and shed your fat!



Yours truly,



Agony Aunt







Dear Agony Aunt



I am a forty something male, recently separated and piling on the stones in the run up to my divorce. How do I cure this? Should I ask my wife to come back?



Roland





Dear Roly Poly



Definitely not. Just buy yourself a recipe book, cancel the takeaways and get yourself down to the gym. Your good wife left you for a reason and now you have to learn how to look after yourself properly and without recourse to convenience foods laden with calories.



Kind regards



Agony Aunt





PS. To all my readers out there – anyone for doughnuts?

STARTED EARLY TOOK MY DOG

“Started Early, Took My Dog,” is the name of a book by Kate Atkinson. Little Girl gave me a copy for my birthday. It’s currently in the bestsellers’ list but I wasn’t sure what to expect.

Innumerable times during my practising life, I have been told that “the lesser half took the dog out for a morning walk and did not return.” I have known clients report the dog missing but rarely their absent spouse. The alleged dog thief usually resurfaces quickly anyway claiming ownership of the animal, if on no other basis than “possession is nine tenths of the law.”

They are never easy cases to resolve. Both parties declare affection for the pet that is way above anything they claim to have felt for the other. The courts don’t want to know and neither wishes to mediate, let alone consider buying a puppy substitute. Sadly such disputes can go unresolved and rarely to the satisfaction of both of the dog-lovers. Unfortunately, and many canine aficionados find it hard to comprehend, but our laws on contact, residence and parental responsibility do relate solely to children.

As for the book itself, it’s actually a well-written detective story set in modern day Leeds with flashbacks to the 1970’s (ah yes an era I recall well). It had little to do with divorce, of course, except for the title!

PRIDE SHOULD COME AFTER A FALL

Outdoor Man and I have reached that regrettable stage in life when Little Girl now skis faster and more competently than we can. I recall our pride as doting parents when she took her first footsteps and later, when we had introduced her to the ski slopes our delight when she managed her first long run, snowploughing all the way.

It is therefore with a certain embarrassment that I have to record our apparent glee when on one occasion only during the course of our recent holiday Little Girl actually fell over. However and in time honoured tradition she picked herself up immediately, put in some of the most impressive turns I’ve ever seen as, head held high, she skied down the fall line and away from the offending impediment that had caught her off her guard.

There’s no substitute for keeping one’s dignity in the face of adversity, be it on the ski slopes or in divorce proceedings.

IT'S CRACKERS

A hint of a thaw in the air today and despite the piles of snow along the paths, the streets of Darlington were again full, as shoppers browsed at a Christmas market. There seemed to be a roaring trade in boxes of Christmas Crackers. I do think “crackers” is a lovely word with its various connotations verging from biscuits to bonkers.

“I used to be ‘crackers’ about her”, clients will tell me, as I take instructions for the first time. “Now I just think I’m cracking up.”

Crisp and crackly and in the case of the humble Christmas cracker related to the firework version of the same name. In fact so close in genetic make-up that I understand that, as result of recent European regulations, the boxes I saw being sold can only be bought by those over sixteen! Crackers or what?

TO PAINT OR PAPER?

I took a few days away from work this week to keep Little Girl company during her half term holiday and ended up decorating. It had never occurred to me before though how much our house walls are like personal relationships. As cracks revealed themselves, there was the ongoing dilemma of how best to deal with them. Do you paper over and hope nothing untoward will happen? Do you ignore them, slap on the paint regardless and trust nobody will notice? Do you reach for help in the form of filler, sand down and hopefully produce a smooth and perfect result? Whichever route you choose, will they reappear and after how long?

H2O

“Drip, drip, drip it’s like living with a leaking tap,” he said, “Constantly nagging; years and years I’ve put up with it. It never stops, constantly wearing you down. Oh well at least it never kills. Water can’t do that to you.”

Except it can. It is estimated that there are nearly a billion people without access to clean, safe water on this planet. So great is the scale of the problem that in July the United Nations declared clean water and sanitation a basic human right. No wonder when approximately 48,000 people a week die from diseases transmitted in contaminated water or unsanitary conditions.

Those figures certainly put divorce in perspective

CONDEMNED

After tonight’s headlines to the effect that student tuition fees could rise to £7,000 per annum, I wonder how many students regret that day in May when they cast their vote in favour of the Liberal Democrats. Weren’t they promising to abolish tuition fees altogether? Funny how once in power policies can change. It’s what’s commonly known as betrayal and somehow we accept that it’s what politicians do.

The closer to home however that trust is betrayed, the less accepting we are of it and the greater the emotional effect upon us. Friends and work colleagues stab us in the back and misery ensues. When spouses or partners leave to set up home with another person, emotions run riot. As William Congreve wrote: “Hell has no rage like love to hatred turned. Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned.”

Just like the about-turn on university tuition fees, the ones who suffer are the next generation; those who were too young to cast a vote at the ballot-box or have a say when their parents broke up in anger and torment. They are the ones who will pay the price and, if the government implements this recommendation as appears likely, the ones who have been ConDemned.

THE LONG ROAD TO RECOVERY

When undergoing the trauma of marriage or relationship breakdown counselling is often a sensible option to help cope with the trauma and its effect on one’s emotional well-being. Lack of confidence and poor self esteem are not uncommon, especially after an abusive relationship. When a marital bond disintegrates, identity and self worth stemming from it disintegrate too and depression can set in. Some hardy souls pick up the pieces and get on with things. For many the transition back to a feeling of normality can take much longer and support is needed.

For those who decide that counselling is the proper option for them the problem can be finding the right counsellor. There are apparently no laws in the UK that govern counselling, and whilst there are qualifications and professional bodies, these can often be confusing and overwhelming. Counselling can take many different approaches, from person-based to psychoanalytic, and it’s important to choose a counsellor with an approach you will be comfortable with and respond to well. So how on earth do you find a counsellor to fit your situation?

I have recently been referred to Counselling Directory and it appears to be a simpleway of connecting people that need help with the people that provide it. A comprehensive search tool allows postcode, town and country searches, and produces a list of counsellors registered in this area. Each counsellor has a profile about themselves and the site shows which counsellors are registered/accredited with a professional body. Importantly I understand that full profiles are only displayed after insurance and qualification documents are checked or membership with a professional body has been verified.

There are also articles on the site written by the counsellors, as well as comprehensive information on all kinds of distress: from depression to eating disorders, to help people identify their problems and become informed, not scared.

BLOOMING AGAIN

Visitors to my home frequently delight me by arriving bearing gifts. At this time of year flowering pot plants are keenly appreciated and make a colourful and vivid contrast to the sombre monotones that otherwise seem to dominate our existence. Sadly, however, the flowers droop, then fall and, as spring turns to summer, I have a display of depressed looking greenery on my kitchen windowsill. More out of routine than conscious effort they absorb the water and Baby Bio poured in their direction, but as the days shorten one begins to despair of their forlorn and hopeless attitude; will they ever bloom again? It always pleases me, therefore, when, as winter strengthens its grip, tiny shoots of recovery appear and, gradually during the shortest days of the year, those once subdued, sullen and sickly stalks blossom again with a profusion of pink and purple petals.

I'M A CELEBRITY, GET ME OUT OF HERE

I have been pre-occupied with court cases and other commitments over the last week, preventing me from adding to this blog. During my absence I note that two divorce linked stories seem to have been making the headlines.

The first, of course, reported the alleged demands of Veronica Lario against Silvio Berlusconi, her estranged husband, for maintenance of some €43 million (£39 million) a year against a purported offer of €200,000 – €300,000 per month instead. Certainly a bit of a difference, but enough for most of us to live with every comfort we could imagine.

At the other extreme, recent divorcee Katie Price (alias Jordan) had been roughing it in the jungle, on the same TV reality show where she had originally met her former husband, Peter André. She endured 7 days of horror when the British public voted for her to undertake every Bushtucker trial going including eating live cockroaches, witchety grubs, the private parts of kangaroos and other equally tasty delicacies. It seemed a strange way to put her marriage behind her and I say that, even after reading reports that she was paid £250,000 for participating. If Silvio Berlusconi were to offer every Euro his wife is seeking by way of maintenance to enter that jungle, I’m sure most divorcees would still elect to stay at home and luxuriate in their poverty.

PAIN OF REJECTION

If you are going through a difficult separation, you could find yourself feeling tired, depressed, and incapable of functioning or even indulging in non-customary behaviour. These are, of course, perfectly normal side effects for someone enduring the pain of rejection.

For an extreme example, take heart and look at the case this week of Susan Boyle. She was the runner up in a television talent show on Saturday and on Sunday was admitted to hospital officially suffering from exhaustion but with rumours abounding that it could be more serious. She has never been married but she now nonetheless knows the agony of rejection, in her case at the hands of the British TV viewing public, for it was they who brutally condemned her to second place.

Furthermore it appears that the Prime Minister has intervened by ringing one of the Judges in the show to express his concern. Regardless of the level of your pain, don’t expect him to show the same interest when your divorce case comes up before a Judge.

A MATTER OF TASTE

One of the depressing side effects of divorce or indeed any stressful experience can be the havoc it plays with our weight. Some people turn to comfort eating, others find it impossible to eat properly or regularly. In time, a strict regime of sensible eating is often required to turn things to normal.

I have known both clients and friends flirt with various fad-diets. One of them I recall requires replacing two meals a day with bowls of cereal. I was therefore somewhat surprised to read in the results of a Which survey today that such breakfast cereal contains as much sugar as a helping of chocolate fudge cake premium ice-cream. I’m sorry but if I’m in need of sugar, and there’s a choice between ice-cream and an insipid cardboard-tasting breakfast cereal, I know which way I’d prefer to ingest it.

TEA FOR TWO

The traditional “British cuppa” has recently come under attack. To begin with Iranian scientists claimed to have found a link between drinking tea that’s too hot and cancer of the oesophagus. Then an elderly Lancashire man was arrested for allegedly trying to poison his ex-wife by adding mercury to her cup of tea.

There was a time when the biggest danger in drinking tea was being asked to read the tea leaves afterwards. These days, however, it seems that it needs to carry a Government Health Warning: “Divorcees beware, drinking tea can seriously damage your health.”

A TIMELY EXIT

He disappeared in the middle of the night whilst she slept, but this morning there was no denying he had gone. The day dawned grey and dull; there was a chill to make her heart shiver with a thick frost on the ground. As the time wore on, it was easier to get to grips with what had happened. The sun broke through and she even managed to smile. Then, as she changed her clocks, she thought, “He’ll be back when the days grow short again, British Summer Time never lasts long.”

LUCKY ESCAPE

Snow Traffic
Originally uploaded by Joey B.
Leaving work this evening I encountered traffic struggling in the snowy weather. Most drivers, sensitive to the road conditions, were being completely sensible but then I encountered Mr Transit Van Driver. Thinking only of himself he failed to look as he charged onto the roundabout across my path; perhaps I was meant to be bowled over but instead I took emergency avoiding action, skidded and halted only inches from his bonnet. What one might call a lucky escape!

That’s an expression used frequently by divorcing clients; those who’ve reached the stage where they can look at half-empty bottles and describe them as half-full. Looking at life with optimism or even smiling in the face of adversity has much to recommend it. On my part, stopped on that roundabout, I could only grind my teeth and simmer silently, especially when Mr Transit Van Driver then suddenly changed direction and forced his way across the lanes, causing chaos to other road users, as he left the roundabout as rapidly as he had entered it.

CHRISTMAS POST

Today was apparently the last day for posting anything you want delivering before Christmas. Apologies therefore to all those people who will instead receive greetings cards from me between Christmas and the end of the year; it turned out our last collection was at 10.45am and I missed it! Still don’t our rules on service deem first class post duly delivered on the second working day after posting? Well that’s going to have to be my defence as I’m struggling to come up with anything else.

Our postman is, of course, very busy at the moment, delivering cards and seasonal messages from people I always mean to see during the year but never quite manage to do so, relying on a two liner in a card instead for a quick update. Little Girl loves Christmas. She told me the other day that “It just feels so warm, it’s lovely.” I know what she means; a traditional time for peace and love.

Not so for my friend Constance who sent me a card. “Peace and goodwill to all men,” it said inside, and then she had added: “Except the ex and his solicitor, of course.”

SHANGHAI PYJAMAS

Shanghai Pyjamas
Originally uploaded by tiantiande

I learned today that officials in Shanghai are horrified by people taking to the streets in their pyjamas. Apparently parading in nightwear is a demonstration of wealth.

All of which reminds me of a divorcee who once upon a time took to parking his car outside his ex-wife’s house. He’d felt extremely bitter at the breakdown of their marriage and even a huge lottery win a few months later did little to assuage his pain. Whilst he invested a large chunk of his winnings in prestige motor cars with personalised plates, his hurt still showed when he parked them in rotation in front of the ex’s sitting room window. I confess I do wonder what he might have done had he lived in China; parked himself in nightshirt and cap outside her door perhaps?

BLACK ICE

Anyone attempting to walk or drive along the footpaths and roads in my village this morning was in for a tough and traumatic time. Unexpected and almost imperceptibly they had changed into skating rinks of the treacherous kind. You think you know your route; you travel it every day; suddenly black ice hits and crack, with no prior warning, you’re down on your back or sliding and spinning out of control and into a ditch. Getting yourself back on your feet or onto the road, can seem like a herculean task, and shaking and nervousness lasts for hours or even days. Relationship breakdown, when it comes like a bolt from the blue can have the same effect, but it hurts deeper and lasts longer. Fortunately black ice does melt and bruises also heal.

IN FLAMES

Nobody ever knows how they will cope in a stressful situation; will they go to pieces or will they find themselves in the middle of an unwanted learning curve coming out stronger at the other end? Well today my resource levels were put to the test when I was awoken by the phone ringing at 6.30am with an urgent request to contact the police as a result of a large blaze at the hotel adjoining our office which, so the helpful police officer informed me, was still burning out of control. Half asleep and with the vague notion that my means of earning a living was going up in smoke, I grasped for my copy of the firm’s Disaster Recovery Plan and so began a morning of telephone calls. At least having a set of written instructions went some way to helping me cope; that and the limitless support of staff. It was 2pm before I was allowed inside to inspect the premises in the presence of a fireman. Amazingly and despite the heat and flames which had caused the local brigade to bring in reinforcements, there appears to have been no damage and once the street is allowed to re-open (hopefully over the weekend) it will be business as normal.
What did I learn?
1 Stay calm
2 Don’t get cross about all the people who want to gawp or gossip
3 Ask for help where it’s needed
4 Have a strategy and work to it
5 Don’t be afraid to ask questions and insist on talking to the people who really know what is happening

FATIGUED

I have had a very busy month and am absolutely worn out. Fortunately I am taking a day off tomorrow; my first since March. Going through a separation, especially if it results in a messy divorce, invariably leaves clients stressed and fatigued. Imagine how tiring it can be for their solicitor, involved in a hundred or more divorces at once!