Does Marriage Ruin a Relationship?

A couple dated for 9 years and then got married and one year later are getting divorced. Sound familiar? I am sure you have heard a variation of this story before. Why is that many couples who are happy living together decide to make their union legal and wind up ruining the relationship?

It seems that the celebrity couples that live together without getting married stay together longer too. Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, Jenny McCartney and Jim Carrey, Calista Flockhart and Harrison Ford, plus a host of other celeb couples have discovered the secret of not getting married. Many divorcees have caught on too, vowing never to walk down the aisle again.

There are of course, reasons for a couple to marry, some of them practical and financial. Issues like health insurance, inheritance and being the next of kin should something happen to your partner are reasons some long term couples eventually do decide to tie the knot.

Another thing to consider is that sometimes couples will attempt to save a failing relationship by getting married or having a child and then split shortly after the wedding. So it wasn't getting married that wrecked the relationship after all.

I think getting married, whether after a divorce or for the first time, is a personal decision that one must make by following your heart and trusting your instincts. Not all marriages end in divorce and we still hear about couples celebrating their 20, 3o , 40 or even 50th wedding anniversaries. The key is finding the right person and having a healthy relationship and then it won't matter if you get married or not, you will be happy with the one you love.

When Your Kids Are Still Suffering from Your Divorce..

You would think that with the divorce rate at close to 50%, most kids would be going to school with other children of divorce. Apparently this is not the case in my neighborhood. My kids have informed me that ALL of their friends live with both their parents and they are the only ones whose parents are divorced.

I find this hard to believe, but it does seem like the friends they hang out with live with both parents. Of course, this makes me feel bad for my kids. No child likes to think that he or she is the only one whose parent's have divorced.

What brought about this recent revelation was an argument my teenage sons had with a close friend. He made a comment that " at least he has a dad who lives with him". This hurt both my sons deeply, since they are still recovering from my divorce and they only see their dad a few times a year. They are both very angry with this boy and no longer want to be his friend.

Just when I thought my kids were finally dealing with the divorce, the old wounds were reopened. I guess children never fully get over their parent's divorce. A comment said in poor taste, reignited my sons' anger and hurt. And of course, when your children are feeling hurt, you want to do everything you can to protect them and shield them from the pain. Unfortunately, there is not much a parent can do to make up for the other's parent's lack of attention and involvement in their children's lives.

My ex and I live in different states but I only moved when it was painfully obvious that my ex was not going to give my kids the kind of attention they deserved. He would frequently miss his weekend visits and never once used his once a week dinner visitation. Ironically, once we moved, he did become a better father. He calls them more and when he does see the kids, he pays more attention to them.

The other side of the coin here is that although children suffer from our divorces, how much worse off do the kids whose parents stick it out in a miserable marriage suffer? Some the same kids my children might envy for living with both mom and dad may be living a nightmare behind close doors. Appearances can be deceiving. My own parents fought all of the time and when I was a kid and I wished they would get a divorce. Living for years in an abusive, volatile household will most likely inflict more damage on a child than a divorce.

Not many children grow up in a perfect family. All we can do is our best and provide our kids with love, attention and support. Hopefully, they will grow up to be compassionate, caring adults who learned important life lessons from being raised in a single family household.

Click here to read a free chapter of Seven Secrets to a Successful Divorce...

3 Money Saving Tricks for Single Parents...

Has this bad economy gotten you down? Are you fearful about the future and wonder how you are going to make ends meet? Most people, even if they have not been directly affected by a job loss, a foreclosure or loss of investments, have tightened their belts and decided to cut back on unnecessary purchases.

Some people have even taken "cutting back" to the extreme. A couple I know, who both have good, secure, well paying jobs, has decided to no longer go out on the weekends at all because of the economy. As a single parent, it is necessary to make adjustments and find ways to save money, especially in these uncertain times. I have found a few painless ways to save money lately that I would like to share with you.

1. I love to eat out, but with my kids now too old for kid's meals, the bill can be ridiculous. I have found a few ways to still take the kids out to dinner on the cheap. Here is one: Most restaurants charge a much lower price for a meal for lunch. Lunch is usually served until 4:00 pm on the weekends. So, if you get there at 3:30pm and have an early dinner, you can shave a nice amount off your meal. We did this recently at a Asian/Sushi buffet. For dinner they charge $19.95 a person, but for lunch, it is only $12.99 a person. So we saved $7.00 a person for the same exact buffet by getting their an hour and half earlier than we normally would.

2. I was never one to clip coupons, but now I find it challenging to see how much I can save each week. Last week I saved a total of $54.00! The trick is to use coupons on the "buy one, get one" free deals for the best savings. Try to shop in the afternoon too when the teenagers are working as cashiers. They will give you less of a hard time if you use a coupon for a box of cereal that is for an 18 oz box and you get the 12 oz box by accident. There is nothing more annoying when trying to use coupons than being confronted by a mean cashier who hands you back your coupons.

3. Another way to save money is to groom your dog yourself, I save about $80 a month now by giving, Luigi, my Maltese, his bath and haircuts. I also have a trick for those of you who color your hair. I used to own a salon, so I am very hesitant about using store bought color, I have seen way too many disasters, especially if you are a blonde. But here is a way to extend the time in between salon visits. A few of the store bought brands now carry a root touch up kit for a about $8.00. That is alot cheaper than the $50 plus tip the salon will charge you. Another salon tip to cut out spending money on pedicures, is to use the pedi egg. You can order it from the infomercial or get at a drugstore like Walgreens. It works great, and if you can clip your own toenails and paint them, you can save money doing it yourself.

Anyone else have some great money saving tips to share here?

War on the Ex Front

OK - it has been a long time since I have posted on this blog and there are many reasons why. For the longest time, I was simply a single mom, then I was a step-mom for a mili-second, and then I was a single mom again, and now I am back in the waters of the blended family soup. It feels like stone soup.Remember the story of stone soup? The story goes that a man who is hungry convinces a town to

A Divorce Challenge for You...

We use online blogs, forums and chat rooms to vent about our divorces, let off steam and do some ex bashing (often well deserved!). The Internet is a great way to connect with others going through the same situation and it gives us that much needed support during a very difficult time. But what if we tried something different here? What if everyone who reads this leaves a positive comment about their ex?

Now before you think I have gone crazy, hear me out. I have written extensively about my ex and all of his wrongdoings. My purpose is not to excuse or ignore anyone's ex-husband or ex-wive's bad behavior. What I think might be helpful is to find some good in our exes, the reason why we married them in the first place, and share it here.

Why? Because it is so easy to only look at all of the terrible things our exes have done and when we do that we certainly do not feel good. It is difficult to move on and let go when we view our ex as an evil person who has inflicted only pain on us. Now, for someone who has been physically or emotionally abused, remembering even one act of random kindness that your ex performed may be tough. But doing this is not for your ex's benefit, it is for yours. By finding a morsel of goodness in your ex, it might help you forgive and let go of some of the pain you may feel.

So this is my divorce challenge to you. I will go first:

"During my marriage, there were times when my ex was helpful, kind and considerate. He sometimes helped me clean the house, often cooked dinner or went food shopping. He once surprised me with a puppy I had fallen in love with at a pet store. About a year before we separated, he bought me a new wedding ring because he was never happy with the original diamond he gave me when we married. He had the waiter bring the ring box out on my desert plate to surprise me one night over a romantic dinner."

So these were some of my fond memories from my marriage. Now it is your turn, if you are up for the challenge. I admit, this is not easy. It is so much easier to remember all of the bad times and forget the good. But I think once you do this, you will feel better and it will also give you some nice memories to share with your children.

If you just can't bear to write one positive thing about your ex, then don't. By privately reflecting on some of the good moments in your marriage, you will begin the healing process. Life is usually not all black or white, good or bad. By accepting your marriage and divorce for what it is, a combination of both, you can free yourself of anger and pain and move on.

Click here to read a free chapter of Seven Secrets to a Successful Divorce....

DRACONIAN CHILD SUPPORT MEASURES

As the Government’s Welfare Reform Bill is debated in Parliament, Resolution is calling for an urgent rethink on draconian punitive measures on child support.

The Bill gives powers to civil servants to confiscate the driving licence or passport of individuals who they believe are behind with their child maintenance payments without the need to obtain a Court Order.

Chair of Resolution’s Child Support committee Kim Fellowes said: “We agree with the government’s aim that all parents meet their pastoral and financial responsibilities toward their children. However it is well known that the administration of child support in this country is riddled with errors and bureaucratic failures. Until the system is fixed, running smoothly and has public confidence there can be no justification for not allowing a right to challenge such draconian measures in the courts. This measure was rejected by Parliament when the Government tried to include it in a review of the child support system last year. It is incredible that they are now seeking to reintroduce it in the context of a new Bill entirely, and we urge them to reconsider.”

Are You a Divorce Victim?..

Has divorce knocked you down, sapped your energy and left you feeling defeated? Do you feel like giving up and just don't know how much longer you can take the pain?

If so, now is the time to take back control and dig deep down and find your inner strength. Life's greatest challenges can also reveal to us qualities we never thought we had. You can rise above your divorce and not only make it through, but come out on top.

There is always that pivotal moment when you question whether you can go on yet another day. You may feel crushed by grief as you mourn the loss of your marriage and scared about what the future will hold. In that moment you feel like you just don't have the energy to fight anymore. But what you choose in that moment defines the outcome of your divorce. Will it leave you feeling bitter and angry or will you become courageous and brave?

I remember during my own divorce when the world seemed to be crashing down around me. My father died suddenly at 59 years old, my ex refused to pay child support and alimony and I was receiving foreclosure notices on my home. My ex also filed a phony restraining order against me. To make matters even worse, he was fighting me tooth and nail for control of the salon we owned and then without warning half of all of my employees walked out, taking half of the salon's customer's with them to the salon across the street.( Ironically to the salon where my ex-husband was close friends with the owner. I guess he figured if he couldn't have the business, he would make sure I wouldn't have it either.)

I went through months of overwhelming stress and then I felt like I snapped one day. I did not want to get out of bed. I felt defeated and just didn't care anymore. But then something happened. One employee, who had remained loyal to me and stayed, said the words that turned everything around. He said he would help me rebuild the business, that together we would make the salon better than before. In that moment, I felt a wave of hope, a new energy took over me and I vowed not to give up.

I had a mission now. When my former employees spread rumors throughout the town that my salon was going out of business, it brought out my fighting spirit even more. I spent the next few months looking for new employees, and by miracle, 5 hairdressers from another neighboring salon came to work for me, bringing more clients than before.

The icing on the cake came when I put a large ad in the local newspaper with all of my new employees pictures, welcoming them to the salon. You can be sure my ex and the salon that counted on me going out of business were not pleased. It was sweet revenge. I was able to rebuild the business and sell it a year and half later and the salon is now the busiest salon in town, a thorn in the side of the salon owner who tried to destroy my business with my ex.

I share this story because no matter how overwhelming your divorce may seem to you now, there is always hope. You can either become a victim of your divorce or not. It is up to you. Things have a way of turning out for the best with time. Stay in the game and don't give up.

A FIRST AID KIT FOR BREAK-UPS

Whilst shopping with Little Girl yesterday (I carry the bags and provide the money, whilst she buys), I came across a pile of playing card size boxes in one store claiming to be “Break-Up Survival Kits.” Intrigued, I picked one up to examine the list of contents. As well as what must have been a very small print survival manual full of useful hints, they contained:

1. Stickers to deface photos of the ex (clearly total destruction doesn’t work anymore?)
2. A poster on which to write the 10 worst things about the ex ( a blank sheet of paper just won’t suffice)
3. A mirror (no explanation as to why, and presumably just on the off chance you might not have one in your home after dividing the house contents).
4. A sticker to place on your telephone to warn you not to call the ex (I assume for those people whose memories are failing and believe they are still a couple)

Needless to say they were on a display marked “reduced” and I suspect that the failure of the store to shift those boxes at their full price may have had more to do with their contents, than a downturn in the number of couples separating.

It did make me wonder though whether there is an actual market for such a kit and if so what it should contain? Handkerchief in case it’s a really bad experience; chocolate to make you feel better; dating agency details for when you are ready to seek out someone new, perhaps. Has anyone any other ideas – together we could be onto a winning patent?

How to Get Over Your Divorce Once and for All.....

Are you finding it difficult to let go of the past and move on after your divorce? If so, you are not alone. Many people struggle for years after a divorce trying to make sense of what happened and why their marriage ended. Some are still so caught up in past that they find it impossible to truly begin their new life, post-divorce.

If you are in this situation, it may be because you never fully mourned the death of your marriage. A divorce is a major life event, equivalent to the death of a loved one. If you did not take the time to face the pain while going through your divorce, that pain can linger with you for years.

Letting go of the baggage and facing the grief can feel overwhelming and most people try to avoid pain at any cost. That is why so many people suffer from addictions. Facing the pain in our lives becomes too much to bear, so we stuff it down deep instead and ignore it. When the pain rears it's ugly head, we turn to alcohol, drugs, gambling or even another relationship to avoid what is gnawing at us.

The only way to truly let go of the past and move on is to face our demons head on. By allowing the pain to surface and then looking directly at it and feeling whatever emotions arise, we can finally purge it. No one likes to feel pain and it requires courage and strength to do what is necessary to let go, but if the pain is allowed to remain, it will fester and continue to control your life.

If you are ready to move past your divorce, enlist the help of a therapist or close friend. Find someone who is willing to listen and be there for you as you grieve. The emotions you did not allow yourself to feel during your divorce are still there and will slowly surface. As you deal with them, they will disappear. As you move through this process you will find that if you are still stuck all of these years feeling intense anger towards your ex, that anger will turn into sadness then transform into acceptance of what is. You may even discover through self reflection that your divorce was a necessary catalyst that has changed your life for the better. Often our most painful life experiences are our greatest teachers.

By moving through the stages of mourning and dealing directly with the emotional baggage your divorce has caused, you will finally be able to let go and release the pain. Then and only then will you be free.

Click here to read a free chapter of Seven Secrets to a Successful Divorce...

THE RAT

At a meeting at lunchtime, one of my colleagues came out with an expression we were quick to dismiss as linked to her farming roots.

Later, however, I was subsequently reminded of the oft repeated adage, “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.” I don’t know why but that little saying always brings to my mind a stereotypical 1950’s housewife complete with apron, oven gloves, lip-sticked smile and a freshly baked cake.

Now what was it my colleague said? “You must feed a rat, before you poison it!”

We were discussing property matters, honestly!

Divorce and Suicide: Are you at risk?

As horrible as my divorce was, I never considered ending it all. As a mother of four, I knew I had to be there for my kids and deep down I had faith that eventually the pain would come to an end and my divorce would be over. However, some people who are in "divorce hell" right now do not feel hopeful and actually consider taking their own lives.

I had never thought about his before until I received an email from a woman who has lost all hope. Her divorce is not going well. Her husband is abusive, controlling and seems to get away with everything, including disobeying court orders. I have heard this same story many times before, but what struck me was how this woman indicated that she just could not go on any longer and felt that things would never get better. She is in despair and feels hopeless.

If you are going through a terrible divorce and feel like justice will never be served, that your ex will win and leave you with nothing, please know that no divorce lasts forever. I know how much pain you are in right now and how hard it is just to get up everyday and face the nightmare of your divorce. You are emotionally drained and have every right to be depressed. But please have faith. Things will turn around for you.

Sometimes in our darkest hours we feel like we can no longer go on. The pain is just too much to bear. Life seems cruel and unfair. Especially if it appears your spouse is getting the upper hand and "winning". But you have to believe that eventually the truth will prevail and justice will be served.

In my own divorce, it seemed like my ex would never be held accountable for his actions. A year went by without him paying alimony and child support. And then, suddenly, the tides turned and he was sent to jail for a month. The judge finally saw through his antics and my divorce turned around. 6 months later we were able to settle our divorce, something I thought would never happen.

So please hang in there and know that many people have walked down the same road you are on. We have came out of the darkness and into the light. Our lives are now better than they were before. This can happen for you too, you just have to hold on and have faith that everything will be okay.

Click here to read a free chapter of Seven Secrets to a Successful Divorce...

What's With All of the Angry Divorced Men Lately?...

I have been seeing more and more stuff on the Internet from angry, divorced men. They are pissed off about paying child support and alimony

and joining together in groups to gripe and bitch about how unfair the court

system is and how their ex-wives are nothing more than lazy, money hungry (insert expletive) women, out to squeeze every last dime out of them.

Now even though I coach primarily women and my book, Seven Secrets to a Successful Divorce is written for women, I do have many men contact me and tell me their stories. I found that there is a distinct difference between the angry men and the good guys who have gotten a raw deal. I have coached men who are getting the short end of the stick in their divorces, yet ironically these are the same men who would never dream of not paying child support or bashing their ex-wives. They are able to put their anger aside and do what is best for their children.

On the other hand, the vocal men, who write foul comments on blogs and forums calling their ex names are usually the deadbeats. They whine and cry about how unfair life is instead of manning up and doing what is right. I think these guys should stop complaining. If you are really paying too much child support or do not get enough time with your kids then get a lawyer and go to court. You say the court system is biased towards women? Then do something to change it. Take action instead of spreading hatred.

No one is saying that there are not men out there who are having a tough time. Maybe they have been laid off at work, are disabled or just struggling to make ends meet. It is not easy raising children and most single moms are struggling too, even with child support payments, to provide for the kids. The fact remains, that if you have children, whether you are a man or women, the kids' needs come first.

So for all of the men out there who feel like they got a raw deal during their divorce, remember that you do have a choice. You can continue to complain about your circumstances and tell anyone who will listen just how unfair the court system is or you can accept what is and focus on what you can do to positively improve your life and the lives of your children.

CONGRATULATIONS AND CELEBRATIONS

Today we celebrated my brother in law’s 60th birthday with a family party. Of course such a celebration should never really be about attaining a certain age, but instead about what one has achieved in the preceding years. Certainly my nephews and nieces came up with a string of interesting facts and statistics on that one, before we performed the birthday toast.

It reminded me of an occasion when, once upon a time, I was eating in a local bistro, and totally co-incidentally, or maybe as a result of divine intervention, a client of some 15 years before was also there with a group of friends. I was invited to join their table to toast the anniversary of her divorce or rather, as it was explained to me, 15 years in sole charge of both the TV remote control and toilet seat!

EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATIONS

I updated my mobile phone this week and have spent hours today configuring the settings, to ensure that I can communicate by text, e-mail and SMS as well as phone. Whilst I loathed the time spent, I have consoled myself with the thought that it was an investment for the good of future connectivity. Communication is important and a good marriage is also based on it.

Further, if a marriage fails, communicating effectively with a solicitor is vital. Indeed I often recommend that clients bring “shopping lists” to appointments, to make sure that nothing is overlooked. I recall a colleague signing up for a course on communication skills and when I asked him why, he told me about an initial meeting, once upon a time, with a client which went something like this:

“What’s your problem?” he asked tactfully.
“My husband,” she replied sadly.

"What’s he like?"
“Sport, reading and crosswords.”

“I meant what’s your case?”
“Just a lightweight Antler holdall that qualifies as cabin baggage.”

“Yes, but how are your relations?”
“My parents are good, honest and clean living; my sister in London is well and I have a cousin who’s been to the doctor’s recently.”

“How do you get on?”
“I normally stand on a stool and then a little jump generally does it.”

“Okay, does he beat you up?”
“Every morning, like clockwork.”

"What about at night-time?”
“He’s first into bed too.”

“Any scars?”
“A BMW and a Ford Fiesta.”

“Does he drive you to the limit?”
“Only into town.”

“Is he playing the game?”
“Tennis, occasionally badminton.”

“Does he pay you attention?”
“No, housekeeping, in cash.”

“So where are the issues?”
“In my handbag, in case I sneeze whilst I’m out.”

“Look do you have any grounds?” he enquired in exasperation
“1/3 acre, landscaped, with an adjoining paddock for the horses,” she replied, indignantly.

“Have you tried counselling?”
“If we cancelled it would incur a penalty.”

“Are you happy?”
“No, I’ m called …..”

It was at this point he raised his white flag, surrendered gracefully and signed up for further training!

Are You Stuck in Divorce Limbo?

Divorce limbo is the time period between when you file for divorce and when your divorce is finalized. Many divorce limbos can stretch out for months and even years, leaving you feeling overwhelmed, frustrated and fearful about your future. No knowing where you stand financially in a divorce prevents you from making plans for the future. So when you are stuck in divorce limbo your life is in a holding pattern. You cannot leave the past behind and start over yet because you are still dealing with court dates, lawyers and fights with ex.

My own divorce limbo lasted for 18 long, excruciating months. It seemed like my every waking thought during that time was consumed by the divorce. Looking back, it felt like I was being mentally tortured. Being on the brink of financial ruin, since my ex would not pay alimony and child support, it was one of the most stressful times of my life. My worst fear was that I would lose everything and be unable to care for my children.

Thankfully, my divorce nightmare did come to an end and I was able to clean up most of the financial mess it caused once the divorce was settled. There is no magic formula or great advice on how to survive divorce limbo. The one thing to remember is that it will come to an end and you will be okay. You may not believe that now, but hold on to that thought. No one stays in divorce limbo forever. The day will come when you are handed your divorce papers and your new life will begin and it will be better than before.

Click here to read a free chapter of Seven Secrets to a Successful Divorce...

Mom, I'm Very Stressed Out

Out of my four children, my second eldest has always told me he wants to take over my business. For the passed few summers during his school vacation he has been working in my office doing everything from changing light bulbs to delivering documents to the courthouse. Now that he is in his last year of high school he is also working part time during the week. My oldest son who has never had any desire to know what I do, was in need of a job during his college break. In that we were short handed I offered him a part time job at my office and told him his younger brother would train him.

It has been about two weeks into this little family affair and my oldest came home from the office yesterday and expressed to me: "Mom, I'm very stressed out." Both his brother and I thought this was quite an amusing statement since all last summer he made fun of his brother for "relaxing in the air conditioning all day" while he toiled away as a counsellor in summer camp sweating with the campers.


Gradually my family is discovering what Mom actually does and they are realizing it is not all sweetness and light.
Using your brain for a living can be more exhausting than using your brawn. Especially when it involves multi-tasking. Welcome to the real world my boy.

Mom, I'm Very Stressed Out

Out of my four children, my second eldest has always told me he wants to take over my business. For the passed few summers during his school vacation he has been working in my office doing everything from changing light bulbs to delivering documents to the courthouse. Now that he is in his last year of high school he is also working part time during the week. My oldest son who has never had any desire to know what I do, was in need of a job during his college break. In that we were short handed I offered him a part time job at my office and told him his younger brother would train him.

It has been about two weeks into this little family affair and my oldest came home from the office yesterday and expressed to me: "Mom, I'm very stressed out." Both his brother and I thought this was quite an amusing statement since all last summer he made fun of his brother for "relaxing in the air conditioning all day" while he toiled away as a counsellor in summer camp sweating with the campers.


Gradually my family is discovering what Mom actually does and they are realizing it is not all sweetness and light.
Using your brain for a living can be more exhausting than using your brawn. Especially when it involves multi-tasking. Welcome to the real world my boy.

Isn't This Ironic?...

My ex-husband, a reformed deadbeat dad, who spent a month in jail for not paying child support is now dating a woman with 3 kids whose ex-husband is a deadbeat. He told me that his girlfriend's ex is a "scumbag".

The irony of this situation did not escape me. My ex even bought groceries for his girlfriend's family since she was left with no money to feed her children. My ex has been current on his child support payments for several years now, so he has learned his lesson. I just thought it was ironic

that he was once a deadbeat and now is helping a single mom whose ex does not pay child support.

I am actually thrilled to see that he is acting more like the man he once was. The man I married was generous and caring. During the divorce, I did not know who he was. It was like the movie invasion of the body snatchers. The man I knew disappeared and a mean, crazy person had taken over his body. I would have never guessed that he could be capable of not supporting his children for a year. It is good to see him acting kind and generous again.

We often label people (especially our exes) as being bad, but it is really their behavior that is deplorable. Most people do have some seeds of goodness in them. It is difficult to see that goodness when they are acting out and hurting us. It has taken me years to see my ex as anything but a selfish man, but I try to remember how he was before the divorce and some of the good qualities he had. I am happy that he has found someone who seems to bringing out the best in him.

Click here to read a free chapter of Seven Secrets to a Successful Divorce...

IT'S MINE

Dealing with the annual post Christmas influx of family work, I very nearly missed the tribulations of the couple arguing over a kidney. Last week it was disclosed that, as part of their divorce settlement, a New York doctor is demanding that his estranged wife return a kidney he donated to her when they were on better terms or else pay him $1.5 million for its value. I had assumed that as in England it might be rather hard to argue that a human organ is actually a marital asset, but today the woman’s lawyer has been reported as stating that the kidney wasn’t such a valuable gift after all, as apparently there were a number of other potential donors.

In many cases there can be difficulties in agreeing the basis upon which assets are to be valued, but transplant organs have to be in a league of their own. Maybe Shakespeare had a point and in future I’m going to have to take a little more seriously those clients who claim to be seeking their “pound of flesh.”

Are Single Moms Destroying America?

According to Author Ann Coutler they are. Did you see Coulter on the Today show last week blasting single moms?( here is the clip)

According to Coulter, single moms are responsible for raising children who end up in jail, are uneducated and are responsible for all of our problems in society.

As a single mom of four, I am personally offended by Ms. Coutler. This angry, mean spirited woman has no right to attack single moms and blame society's ills on us. Most single moms struggle daily to provide the best for their children and often must be both mother and father to children who do not have an father who is actively supporting them.

If you are a single mom, please do not buy this woman's books. She obviously has no idea how difficult it is to parent children on your own. Most single moms are not single moms by choice. Ms. Coutler should attack fathers who abandon their children instead. What she is insinuating is that staying in an unhappy marriage, often fraught with fighting and tension is a better environment for children to grow up in than to raised by one , stable happy parent.

I think we are doing the best we can as single parents. Many of us left marriages that were unhappy so that our children would not grow up hearing constant fighting between parents. Although I do believe that a couple should do everything possible to save their marriage, including going to counseling, keeping your children in an unstable, often violent home environment will not give them a better chance in life.

Being a single parent is difficult enough. Many single moms raise smart, healthy, educated children who contribute greatly to society. Ms. Coutler feels that single moms and liberals are destroying America. I think she has another motive for her nasty comments. Considering that President Elect Obama was raised by a single mom himself, Coulter who is a republican, may be taking her frustrations out on single moms because she is bitter about her party losing the election. Why a talk show would have such a vile person like Ms. Coulter on is beyond my understanding. This is also the same woman who referred to the 911 widows as "griefzillas". We should not reward her lack of compassion and sensitivity by putting her on TV and rewarding her with book sales.

Click here to read a free chapter of Seven Secrets to a Successful Divorce...

And You Thought Your Ex was a Jerk....

You may think that no one could be worse than your own ex, but this guy wins the prize for "worst ex-husband ever". Dr. Richard Bastista of NY donated his kidney to his wife several years ago and now wants it back!

He is actually suing her. He says if he can't have the kidney back he will take 1.5 million dollars instead. He donated the kidney in 2001 and his wife filed for divorce in 2005. They have three small children.

When I read this online, I thought it must be a joke, but it is true. I think this divorce will go on record as one of the nastiest divorces ever. It is clear that this man feels hurt about his divorce and we do not know the details of why the couple is divorcing, but to ask for a donated body part back or over a million dollars in compensation because you are bitter about your divorce is insane.

This man is obviously so racked with revenge and anger that he cannot think rationally. Can you imagine what his poor children must think? To know that daddy wants to take back the kidney that helps mommy's body function properly? Dr. Bastista works at Nassau County Medical Center on Long Island in NY. Ironically, that is the hospital where my oldest daughter was born.

By going public with his outrageous lawsuit, he is also damaging his reputation as a doctor. Would you want a crazy doctor who wants to take back his kidney from his wife caring for you? This is just another sad example of how a divorce can cause a normal, sane person to become irrational and out of control.

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JANUARY SALES

I am back at work and the Christmas festivities are behind me. Instead the January Sales now beckon and I confess that I have had a couple of unsuccessful mooches around various department stores and shoe shops. What is it about a sticker indicating 60% off a pair of leather boots that can cause perfectly rational women to behave like Cinderella’s step sisters in an effort to squeeze their feet into objects a full size too small for them? Hope or optimism? Either way it reminded me of a short story I recently read in December’s issue of Woman & Home. It was written by Douglas Kennedy and he described a visit to the doctor by the heroine, who was going through a particularly difficult time as a result of her marriage breakdown. The doctor gave her anti-depressants as well as sound advice to the effect that you can’t “equate divorce to a far-too-painful pair of shoes” that can be “kicked off” when you finally decide they don’t fit. The heroine was clearly not as impressed with the imagery used as I was, though I do question how easy it is to kick off an ill-fitting pair of shoes, especially when they are too tight. From my experience at the Sales not easy at all and even faintly embarrassing.

Need an Increase in Child Support? Read this first...

With most of the nation facing tough economic conditions, many single parents may be tempted to take their ex back to court to get more child support. You need to be aware of a few things though before you attempt to get a modification of your child support order.

Most states calculate child support payments by using a computerized system where they input both parents incomes and then come up with a number based on a number of different factors, such as visitation, health care, etc. If you feel that your ex is earning more money than he was when the child support was first determined, you may be entitled to an increase in child support.

But be warned. By taking your ex back to court, he can also ask for a reduction. You need solid evidence that his income has substantially increased. If you do not have this proof, I would not advise trying to get your support order modified. I know a woman who went to court trying to get an increase and got a decrease instead after she could not prove that her ex-husband made more money. He owned his own business and was able to hide cash. Her ex, however, told the court that she had received a raise since their divorce. Since she worked at a company on the books and her income was easy to verify, she unfairly had her support reduced.

I know another woman whose ex owes her money for their children's health insurance and wants to go back to court. She is reluctant however, since her ex recently remarried and has a new baby. She is afraid he will apply for a reduction since he has a new child to support. She has a tough decision to make. Since her ex is not behind on actual child support payments, does she overlook the money she is owed for health insurance or take her chances in court and possibly have her child support payments reduced?

If you are receiving regular child support payments, now may not be a good time to rock the boat and take your ex back to court. Many parents are losing jobs and facing money problems right now. The last thing you want to do is go back to court and have your support payments reduced if your ex asks for a reduction.

If, however, you can prove that your ex is making more money and you have suffered a financial setback, you should file for a modification so that you can get the child support you need to take proper care of your children. Child support is not about trying to get more money from your ex for your own personal gain or attempting to reduce your support payments to get over on your ex-spouse, it is about two parents being responsible and doing their very best to financially provide for the children they brought into the this world.

Click here to read a free chapter of Seven Secrets to a Successful Divorce.....

Indefensible

What does a Long Island divorce lawyer have in common with a Bronx criminal defense lawyer? The answer is: Their shared disenchantment with justice in the American judicial system.

I just finished reading the book "Indefensible" by Author and creator of the television show "Raising the Bar" David Feige. I would love to take credit for discovering David but in actuality it was he who "discovered" me so to speak. David read a comment I wrote on a blog called "Blond Justice" where I described an amazing on the record directive by a judge to a child not to watch a particular television show. It just so happened that show was David's creation and he wrote to me asking for details. Hence, we chatted a bit and I ordered his book which I just got the chance to finish during the holiday "break." I managed to finish the book in about 2 days and understand why it has been considered controversial. David uses actual names of judges, something I avoided in my own book and talks about actual cases where the outcomes were sometimes unbelievable let alone unjust.

Although I have never practiced in the Bronx Criminal Courts I have had occasion to be before the judges in the Bronx Supreme as well as judges in just about every borough row. Now suffice it to say I stay locally but the characteristics David describes in this book relating to the judiciary in the Bronx can just as easily be applied to the judiciary on the Island.

I too have left the court house on some days and literally cried in my car on the way back to my office over a miscarriage of justice which was perpetrated before my own eyes. I have been present when a judge offhandedly removed custody from one parent who had been the sole custodial parent for over 10 years because she felt that the attorney handling the case as well as the parent were somehow disrespectful to her honor and felt the need to show some judicial supremacy regardless of the damage which would be done to the children involved. I have witnessed judges literally ruin lives of clients financially with over burdensome support orders which could never be paid causing unjust enrichment to one party and the complete financial destruction of the other. I have seen stay at home moms vilified by their monied spouses because they could afford to out spend and out lawyer these women and judges tired and uninterested seeing these "Fathers of the Year" as the better parent even if it means a nanny will be mothering the children instead of the child's own mother who is readily available in the name of judicial neutrality on the issue of parenting.
Many times I have bit my lip and tongue until almost bloody in order to avoid being handcuffed in the courtroom following the ranting of judge who knew nothing of the law but chose instead to lecture me in a manner reminiscent of a school mar me. I too have smiled stiffly at the patronizing and nasty court officer or clerk who had the power to place my case at the bottom of a pile effectively ruining my day and ability to earn a living.
I have lived on commissary pretzels during trials and gained worry pounds over decisions whose outcomes I could have never predicted. Like David, I am able to gage most of the judges I now appear before and usually, tell whether or not a particular judge will see a particular argument favorably. Other times it is the roll of the dice.
One thing I think David and I heartily agree upon....to the average citizen: If you can avoid the judicial system do it. Do not seek justice in the halls of justice, you will be greatly disappointed.
Read "Indefensible" it is a good read.

Indefensible

What does a Long Island divorce lawyer have in common with a Bronx criminal defense lawyer? The answer is: Their shared disenchantment with justice in the American judicial system.

I just finished reading the book "Indefensible" by Author and creator of the television show "Raising the Bar" David Feige. I would love to take credit for discovering David but in actuality it was he who "discovered" me so to speak. David read a comment I wrote on a blog called "Blond Justice" where I described an amazing on the record directive by a judge to a child not to watch a particular television show. It just so happened that show was David's creation and he wrote to me asking for details. Hence, we chatted a bit and I ordered his book which I just got the chance to finish during the holiday "break." I managed to finish the book in about 2 days and understand why it has been considered controversial. David uses actual names of judges, something I avoided in my own book and talks about actual cases where the outcomes were sometimes unbelievable let alone unjust.

Although I have never practiced in the Bronx Criminal Courts I have had occasion to be before the judges in the Bronx Supreme as well as judges in just about every borough row. Now suffice it to say I stay locally but the characteristics David describes in this book relating to the judiciary in the Bronx can just as easily be applied to the judiciary on the Island.

I too have left the court house on some days and literally cried in my car on the way back to my office over a miscarriage of justice which was perpetrated before my own eyes. I have been present when a judge offhandedly removed custody from one parent who had been the sole custodial parent for over 10 years because she felt that the attorney handling the case as well as the parent were somehow disrespectful to her honor and felt the need to show some judicial supremacy regardless of the damage which would be done to the children involved. I have witnessed judges literally ruin lives of clients financially with over burdensome support orders which could never be paid causing unjust enrichment to one party and the complete financial destruction of the other. I have seen stay at home moms vilified by their monied spouses because they could afford to out spend and out lawyer these women and judges tired and uninterested seeing these "Fathers of the Year" as the better parent even if it means a nanny will be mothering the children instead of the child's own mother who is readily available in the name of judicial neutrality on the issue of parenting.
Many times I have bit my lip and tongue until almost bloody in order to avoid being handcuffed in the courtroom following the ranting of judge who knew nothing of the law but chose instead to lecture me in a manner reminiscent of a school mar me. I too have smiled stiffly at the patronizing and nasty court officer or clerk who had the power to place my case at the bottom of a pile effectively ruining my day and ability to earn a living.
I have lived on commissary pretzels during trials and gained worry pounds over decisions whose outcomes I could have never predicted. Like David, I am able to gage most of the judges I now appear before and usually, tell whether or not a particular judge will see a particular argument favorably. Other times it is the roll of the dice.
One thing I think David and I heartily agree upon....to the average citizen: If you can avoid the judicial system do it. Do not seek justice in the halls of justice, you will be greatly disappointed.
Read "Indefensible" it is a good read.

What to Do When Your Ex Badmouths You ....

I am in the process of "deprogramming" my kids after they spent several days with their dad. Although my ex does not badmouth me directly, he likes to make jokes and wisecracks about me to the kids. Jokes about me being a vegetarian, about the books I read, and how mom is "chaotic" and "crazy" are the norm. I feel like my kids come home after a visit with their dad with a little less respect for me.

Many divorced parents struggle with an ex who blatantly disrespects them in front of the children. Lingering feelings of anger and resentment from the divorce are usually to blame for such behavior. The children are put in a no-win situation of having to either defend the parent being attacked verbally or go along with mom or dad's tirade.

There may be little you can do to stop your ex from badmouthing you in from of the children, but you can control your reaction to it and help your children deal with it. It is tempting to lash out or make jokes about your ex to your kids after hearing about his or her remarks, but that will only make things worse for your kids. Most divorced parents have been guilty of making a negative comment or two about the ex in front of the kids. Everyone slips up now and then. The key is to try and catch yourself and not let it become a habit. If you are feeling angry with your ex,vent to a friend in private when your children are not around. The damage comes when a parent continuously makes hurtful comments to the children in order to undermine the other parent.

I try and let my ex's little comments about me go and not make my kids feel uncomfortable when they tell me dad's latest "mom" joke. Of course, if your ex is trying to poison your kids against you and it has gone beyond the occasional comments and jokes, you need to take action. First, inform your ex that his or her behavior is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. This probably will have little effect, but you still need to put him or her on notice. Then focus on helping your children understand that mom or dad is feeling angry and upset and that although it is not an excuse to say mean things about you to them, you will not take it personally.

You can also advise your children to politely tell mom or dad that it upsets them to hear negative comments about their parents and they would prefer it if neither parent talked about the other to them. If the comments continue, you may want to consider professional counseling for your children to help them cope. No child should be forced to take sides during a divorce or forced to hear disparaging remarks about a parent. A therapist or counselor can help your children deal with a parent who continues to badmouth the other parent in front of them.

Click here to read a free chapter of Seven Secrets to a Successful Divorce...