Why Staying Together for the Sake of the Kids is Not Always a Good Idea...

We hear so much about how damaging divorce is to children and how kids are almost always better off living with two parents who are married. But if your home is filled with shouting, anger and disrespect, a divorce may be better for your kids in the long run.

I was watching an episode of "Marriage 911" a show where a marriage counselor spends time with a family on the verge of a divorce. This couple was so mean to one another. The husband called his wife a "fat slob" in front of the kids and the wife told the kids that "dad is a moron". The fighting was endless, with the couple battling it out in front of the children.

Finally, the older daughter wrote a sign that said "Breakup or Shut up". Her parents were shocked, but realized the kid was right. All of their fighting and put downs was emotionally damaging their kids. Fortunately,this couple (with the help of the marriage counselor)was able to save their marriage and stop fighting.

The fact is children who are subjected to years of witnessing their parents fight, will suffer emotionally. They risk growing up and entering into their own dysfunctional relationships. If you are thinking about getting a divorce, but just staying together for the kids' sake, think again. Unless you can repair your marriage and start treating each other with respect, you are not doing your kids any favors.

Click here to read a free chapter of Seven Secrets to a Successful Divorce...

Sharing Your Kids with Your Ex's New Love....

I was watching "Desperate Housewives" tonight and the storyline hit home for many divorced parents. "Susan" a character with a young son was having a hard time accepting that her son actually liked her ex-husband's girlfriend. It was very threatening to her that her child would want to spend time with her ex's new love and this fictional character tried to forbid her ex's girlfriend from spending time with her son.

Feelings of jealousy of the ex's new girlfriend or boyfriend can crop up. The jealousy divorced parents feel is not a romantic kind of jealously but rather a feeling of having your place as a parent threatened by this new person in your kid's lives. On one hand you want your kids to like the new girlfriend or boyfriend and hope he or she is a good person. But on the other hand, you may feel like your child may like this person better than you and you could lose your child's love.

Although these feelings are completely normal, they are unjustified. Your children know who their mom and dad are and will not replace you with someone else in their hearts, no matter how nice they might be. It helps to try and think of it in a different light. If your ex has found someone special who is going to be in your kids lives, be grateful if he or she is a good person and will have a positive impact on your children. Many divorced parents find themselves in a horrible situation when their ex's new love does not treat their children well.

If your kids have a good relationship with the new girlfriend or boyfriend, try to be supportive. When it comes time for you to introduce your kids to your new love, you will have an easier time if the kids have already been through all of the emotions associated with accepting a parent's new relationship.

Click here to read a free chapter of Seven Secrets to a Successful Divorce...

A Father's Nightmare and How You Can Help...

Did you watch Dateline last night? I was so shocked and upset

after hearing how New Jersey father David Goldman's has not been able

to see his son in four and a half years after his wife abducted the boy

in 2004 and fled to Brazil.

Since then David Goldman has been living a nightmare, fighting the Brazilian court system, trying to get back his son. The story become

even more bizarre when his wife (who divorced him in Brazil and married

a Brazilian Lawyer) died in August after giving birth to her second child.

Even though their son now has only one living parent, his ex-wife's husband will not give back Sean Goldman to his father and has even petitioned the Brazilian court to remove David Goldman's name form his own son's birth certificate. He has also defied a court order allowing Mr. Goldman a weekend visit with the boy by hiding the child.

It is frightening to think that a parent can kidnap a child, move to another country and get away with it. As divorced parents we need to send a clear message to our government and governments around the world that this is unacceptable. Sean Goldman is an American citizen who has been kidnapped, yet our government has not demanded the Brazilian government return the child.

Please go to www.bringseanhome.org and sign an online petition to help reunite Sean and his father. There are also other ways to help on the website. Let's help this divorced father get back his son.

When Your Kids Are Still Suffering from Your Divorce..

You would think that with the divorce rate at close to 50%, most kids would be going to school with other children of divorce. Apparently this is not the case in my neighborhood. My kids have informed me that ALL of their friends live with both their parents and they are the only ones whose parents are divorced.

I find this hard to believe, but it does seem like the friends they hang out with live with both parents. Of course, this makes me feel bad for my kids. No child likes to think that he or she is the only one whose parent's have divorced.

What brought about this recent revelation was an argument my teenage sons had with a close friend. He made a comment that " at least he has a dad who lives with him". This hurt both my sons deeply, since they are still recovering from my divorce and they only see their dad a few times a year. They are both very angry with this boy and no longer want to be his friend.

Just when I thought my kids were finally dealing with the divorce, the old wounds were reopened. I guess children never fully get over their parent's divorce. A comment said in poor taste, reignited my sons' anger and hurt. And of course, when your children are feeling hurt, you want to do everything you can to protect them and shield them from the pain. Unfortunately, there is not much a parent can do to make up for the other's parent's lack of attention and involvement in their children's lives.

My ex and I live in different states but I only moved when it was painfully obvious that my ex was not going to give my kids the kind of attention they deserved. He would frequently miss his weekend visits and never once used his once a week dinner visitation. Ironically, once we moved, he did become a better father. He calls them more and when he does see the kids, he pays more attention to them.

The other side of the coin here is that although children suffer from our divorces, how much worse off do the kids whose parents stick it out in a miserable marriage suffer? Some the same kids my children might envy for living with both mom and dad may be living a nightmare behind close doors. Appearances can be deceiving. My own parents fought all of the time and when I was a kid and I wished they would get a divorce. Living for years in an abusive, volatile household will most likely inflict more damage on a child than a divorce.

Not many children grow up in a perfect family. All we can do is our best and provide our kids with love, attention and support. Hopefully, they will grow up to be compassionate, caring adults who learned important life lessons from being raised in a single family household.

Click here to read a free chapter of Seven Secrets to a Successful Divorce...

When Children of Divorce Take Sides....

It is a well known fact that divorce not only hurts children, it can also sever relationships between parents and grown children. When a teenager or adult child decides to side with one parent during the divorce, it can damage the parent-child relationship forever.

My own 22 year old daughter has not spoken to her father in almost 5 years. Because of my ex's actions and behaviors during our divorce, she chooses not to have him in her life. I have encouraged her to try and forgive her father, but she is not ready to make amends. She feels that until he expresses true remorse over his behavior during the divorce and stops placing blame on others, she does not want a relationship with him.

Of course it makes me feel horrible that my ex and her father, who were once very close do not have a father-daughter relationship anymore. But what drove my daughter to cut off ties with her dad were some horrible comments he made during the divorce about her grandfather who then passed away months later. At her age, I must respect her decision to not speak to her father, but it is still makes me sad to hear my ex tell people he has 3 children when he has 4 and I feel bad that my daughter will not have a father to walk her down the aisle someday. Maybe they will eventually reconcile, but until then there is little I can do to help repair their relationship.

I think divorcing couples need to be careful about confiding in teenage or adult children during a divorce. You may have the best intentions and want to be honest with your adult child about the divorce, but letting adult children in on the ugly details of the divorce can backfire and cause the child to take sides. It is bad enough that friends and family often take sides, but when a child chooses end a relationship with a parent because of a divorce, it can be devastating.

What Would You Have Done Differently During Your Divorce?...

If your divorce is over, do you ever find yourself wondering what you could of done differently? Something that may of helped the process go more quickly and smoothly? Do you have any regrets?

I was recently asked this question and my first reaction was that since my ex refused to pay child support and spousal support during our divorce and felt that I deserved nothing, I had no choice but to fight back. I had 4 children, a house with a mortgage and little money coming in. Everything was at stake. I was dealing with an irrational person at the time who refused to settle our divorce fairly.

On second thought, however, I do feel that there was one area during my divorce where I could have handled myself better and that is with my children. Although I tried my best at the time to protect them, they still were caught in the cross fire and suffered as a result.. I do regret confiding in my 17 year old daughter at the time. Even though she was a young adult, I think she took on too much responsibility at too young of an age. If I had to do it over, I would have told her less and not relied on her so much.

I am sure most parents feel guilty about getting divorced and the effect it has on the kids. We are just so unprepared to deal with the ugliness and pain that divorce can cause. We have a hard time keeping ourselves emotionally stable so it is no wonder that we are ill prepared to deal with our children's emotions and help them cope with the divorce.

So do you wish you could have done anything differently during your divorce? If so, what would you have changed? Hopefully, those who are still in the divorce process or thinking about getting a divorce will read your comments and gain some insight from someone who has already been in their shoes.

Click here to read a free chapter of Seven Secrets to a Successful Divorce...

I interviewed Rosalind Sedacca, author of How do I tell the Kids About the Divorce? and asked her what is the most effective way to break the divorce news to kids. Watch the video for her answer.

What Your Child Really Fears After the Divorce...

My soon to be 11 year old daughter mentioned to me the other day that she spoke with her dad's girlfriend's daughter, who is 12, on the phone. I thought that was nice. They have not yet met and I am glad to see my ex finally dating someone with kids. When I asked my daughter if the little girl had called her, she told me that her dad put her on the phone.

I could sense something was not right in the way my daughter was acting. At first, she kept insisting everything was fine, but upon further pressing, she confessed that she missed her dad and felt a little funny about her dad spending time with another family.

She also told me about the twin girls at her school. During an in school counseling session for children with divorced parents, they said that their dad likes his "new kids" better then them. They felt that their dad spent more time with his new family and gave more attention to his step kids.

I think this is what sparked my own daughter's fears- that her dad would remarry and forget about her. I reassured her that her dad loves her very much and no one could replace her.

She also said something I found very surprising when asked about how she would feel if her dad married his girlfriend. She said she would be upset because then it would be "over". Meaning there really would be no chance of mom and dad getting back together.

I honestly had never thought about that. Since my divorce was so bitter and there was never a chance for reconciliation, I assumed my children would understand that. But because my daughter was so young when we separated, I think she held on to the hope many kids with divorced parents have of seeing their parents get back together.

I share this with you because had I not initiated a conversation with my daughter I would have had no idea she was feeling this way. Children often bury their fears and it can be difficult to know when something is bothering them. If you or your ex is in a new relationship, it is a good idea to reassure your kids that even if one of you does remarry and have step children, they can never be replaced and nothing can change the way you love them.

Successful Co-Parenting After a Nasty Split: Is it Possible?

If you have children and are going through a difficult divorce, you may wonder how you are going to be able to co-parent your children with your ex. If you could not get along well enough to resolve your differences during the divorce, parenting without hostility will most likely be a challenge.

But even in the worst divorce cases, there have been parents who have been able to put aside their differences and co-parent in a healthy and positive way. If you are dealing with an ex with whom you cannot communicate with, there are a few things you can do to turn your relationship around for the sake of your children.

The first step is the willingness to compromise. Since you cannot control another person's actions, you must start with yourself. Take a time out and ask yourself if the issue you are having with your ex regarding your kids is something worth fighting over. Can you let it go? Is this something trivial or serious? If it is something that will require your ego to take a bruising are you willing to do that to keep peace for your children?

If it is a serious issue that puts your children in emotional or physical danger, by all means do what you have to do to protect your kids. But most of the time the issues with our exes are a matter of control. Both sides wants to win and the kids get caught in the middle. For example, maybe your ex drops your kids off an hour after his designated visitation time. Is that really worth confronting your ex over? Did he feed the kids junk food over his weekend and not serve vegetables? Is that something you want to start a fight over or can you let it go?

Sometimes, keeping the peace requires giving in. That is not something we are comfortable doing. Especially when we know we are right and our ex is wrong. It just drives us crazy when our ex pushes our buttons by using the kids to get under our skin.

Since you cannot change your ex's behavior, you are left with the option of being right and having a fight that will affect your children or letting go and swallowing your pride. Sometimes biting your tongue and not sweating over the small stuff can greatly improve your relationship with your ex.

When a person tries to engage you and pick a fight, the best thing to do is walk away. Don't fall into your ex's trap and play his games. Your kids will thank you for it.

Are Your Kids Out of Control After Your Divorce?...

I have four kids, two girls and two boys. My sons are now 14 and 15 and have become quite a challenge. They are good boys, but typical teenagers who can become disrespectful at times and tend to challenge me when I attempt to discipline them. I was trying to figure out why I am having a difficult time disciplining them and then after watching an episode of "Supernanny", of all things, it hit me.

When I was married, my husband was the tough disciplinary in the family. I would, like many moms, hand much of the disciplining over to him. I am sure we have all heard, growing up ,our mothers saying "Just wait until Dad gets home". That is how it was in my home. Mom was the easy going , nurturing Mom who we could get our way with but there was no getting over on Dad. My brother and I would be struck with fear when we misbehaved, knowing we would have to face Dad.

So when I had my own kids I guess I subconsciously modeled my parents parenting style. My husband become the one who laid down the law with the kids when he got home. The problem began when my husband no longer came home and moved out.

After the divorce, it became more difficult to discipline my sons. For some reason though my two daughters have remained relatively easy. My oldest daughter is now 21 and my youngest 10 and maybe because they are girls and see me as a role model, I have not had the same issues with them as I have had with my sons, who are growing up without a father figure in the house.

I think my recent revelation means that I need to stand up and become a stronger disciplinary figure in my home. Regardless of gender, a parent can be viewed as a strong, firm but loving parent. I share my own story here because I think this is an issue that many single parents face.

After a divorce, there are so many logistics to work out with the kids, from custody arrangements, child support and visitation. I think very few parents ponder what a divorce will mean as far as disciplining the kids and what parental roles need to be adjusted now that the kids no longer live in a two parent home.