What to Do When Your Ex Badmouths You ....

I am in the process of "deprogramming" my kids after they spent several days with their dad. Although my ex does not badmouth me directly, he likes to make jokes and wisecracks about me to the kids. Jokes about me being a vegetarian, about the books I read, and how mom is "chaotic" and "crazy" are the norm. I feel like my kids come home after a visit with their dad with a little less respect for me.

Many divorced parents struggle with an ex who blatantly disrespects them in front of the children. Lingering feelings of anger and resentment from the divorce are usually to blame for such behavior. The children are put in a no-win situation of having to either defend the parent being attacked verbally or go along with mom or dad's tirade.

There may be little you can do to stop your ex from badmouthing you in from of the children, but you can control your reaction to it and help your children deal with it. It is tempting to lash out or make jokes about your ex to your kids after hearing about his or her remarks, but that will only make things worse for your kids. Most divorced parents have been guilty of making a negative comment or two about the ex in front of the kids. Everyone slips up now and then. The key is to try and catch yourself and not let it become a habit. If you are feeling angry with your ex,vent to a friend in private when your children are not around. The damage comes when a parent continuously makes hurtful comments to the children in order to undermine the other parent.

I try and let my ex's little comments about me go and not make my kids feel uncomfortable when they tell me dad's latest "mom" joke. Of course, if your ex is trying to poison your kids against you and it has gone beyond the occasional comments and jokes, you need to take action. First, inform your ex that his or her behavior is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. This probably will have little effect, but you still need to put him or her on notice. Then focus on helping your children understand that mom or dad is feeling angry and upset and that although it is not an excuse to say mean things about you to them, you will not take it personally.

You can also advise your children to politely tell mom or dad that it upsets them to hear negative comments about their parents and they would prefer it if neither parent talked about the other to them. If the comments continue, you may want to consider professional counseling for your children to help them cope. No child should be forced to take sides during a divorce or forced to hear disparaging remarks about a parent. A therapist or counselor can help your children deal with a parent who continues to badmouth the other parent in front of them.

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When You Just Can't "Move On"...

Many times during a divorce, well meaning friends and relatives will tell you that you need to "get over it" and move on already. They see you in pain and naturally want to help you, but sometimes comments like that can make you feel even more alone and depressed.

I don't think anyone can understand what it is like to go through a divorce unless they have been through one themselves. And then it depends on what kind of divorce they had. A person who resolves their issues amicably with their spouse and remains friends after the divorce is going to have a much easier time recovering than someone who is embroiled in a nasty divorce battle.

I remember clearly those awful days during my divorce where I would literally feel sick to my stomach. It seemed like the pain would never go away. The divorce consumed my life at the time and wondered if I would ever feel good again.

Thankfully, those feelings passed, but it took time. If you are suffering right now with the pain of divorce and feel like no one understands, it is important to remember that people who have not gone through the trauma of divorce might not be able to offer you much support emotionally.

A divorce support group is a good option if you want to be with others who you can relate to. You will "move on" and let go eventually of this pain and agony, but it is not going to happen overnight. Give yourself permission to grieve. There will be a day someday soon where you will find that your divorce is not the first thing you think about every day. It will start to fade into the background of your life and you will begin to feel better. The key is to not rush yourself through your emotions right now, but work through them so that you can let them go.

Should Divorce Trials Be Kept Private?

A N.Y. Court has granted model Christie Brinkley's request to keep her divorce trial with husband Peter Cook public . Her ex had requested the proceedings be made private to protect their two children. He was caught cheating on the former supermodel with a 19 year old assistant and did not want the public to have access to the dirty laundry that will inevitably be aired during this divorce trial.

I think this divorce trial should be kept private, although not to protect Mr. Cook's reputation. The issue here is their two children. Now that the trial is going to be open to the public, it means that the press will be privy to everything. Naturally they will report on all of the allegations, including ones of porn addiction and other deviant behavior by their father. These kids may be teased at school and unfortunately will be able to read about their parent's divorce on the Internet and see it on T.V.

Although you wan to be truthful with your kids during a divorce, you also want to spare them the ugly details. Keeping a divorce trial private, especially for celebrities, also protects the children from hearing things that they may not be able to comprehend at a young age. I am sure Christie Brinkley feels hurt and angry and wants to make her ex suffer by humiliating and embarrassing him. After what he has done, he deserves it. But her kids do not. By dragging him through the mud, she is going to take the kids along for the ride.

Are Your Kids Out of Control After Your Divorce?...

I have four kids, two girls and two boys. My sons are now 14 and 15 and have become quite a challenge. They are good boys, but typical teenagers who can become disrespectful at times and tend to challenge me when I attempt to discipline them. I was trying to figure out why I am having a difficult time disciplining them and then after watching an episode of "Supernanny", of all things, it hit me.

When I was married, my husband was the tough disciplinary in the family. I would, like many moms, hand much of the disciplining over to him. I am sure we have all heard, growing up ,our mothers saying "Just wait until Dad gets home". That is how it was in my home. Mom was the easy going , nurturing Mom who we could get our way with but there was no getting over on Dad. My brother and I would be struck with fear when we misbehaved, knowing we would have to face Dad.

So when I had my own kids I guess I subconsciously modeled my parents parenting style. My husband become the one who laid down the law with the kids when he got home. The problem began when my husband no longer came home and moved out.

After the divorce, it became more difficult to discipline my sons. For some reason though my two daughters have remained relatively easy. My oldest daughter is now 21 and my youngest 10 and maybe because they are girls and see me as a role model, I have not had the same issues with them as I have had with my sons, who are growing up without a father figure in the house.

I think my recent revelation means that I need to stand up and become a stronger disciplinary figure in my home. Regardless of gender, a parent can be viewed as a strong, firm but loving parent. I share my own story here because I think this is an issue that many single parents face.

After a divorce, there are so many logistics to work out with the kids, from custody arrangements, child support and visitation. I think very few parents ponder what a divorce will mean as far as disciplining the kids and what parental roles need to be adjusted now that the kids no longer live in a two parent home.

Putting the Kids First During Divorce...

The second annual recognition of National Child-Centered Divorce Month will take place throughout July across the United States. Professionals who deal with divorce issues -- therapists, attorneys, mediators, coaches, educators, clergy and others – will be joining forces to share valuable parenting messages. One of the most significant is: Don’t Make Your Child a Pawn in Your Conflict. Instead, put your children's needs first when making decisions related to divorce or separation.
National Child-Centered Divorce Month was initiated by Rosalind Sedacca, a Certified Corporate Trainer and author of the new book, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! Sedacca has created a Child-Centered Divorce Network for parents and works closely with a broad group of therapists, attorneys, mediators, divorce coaches, educators and other professionals who focus on creating the most positive and harmonious outcomes for families transitioning through divorce.
Sedacca is passionate about enlisting the nation’s legal and therapeutic communities for one purpose: bringing a heightened awareness to parents about their children’s fragile sense of self-esteem. “We can never overemphasize how dramatically parental decisions about divorce can affect their children – for years – and often for a lifetime.”
Sedacca’s new book is based on her personal experience more than a decade ago when she was facing the difficult task of breaking her divorce news to her eleven year old son. She ultimately created a simple and compassionate storybook, integrating family photos and history, as a successful way to move through the tough conversation.
Now her innovative Create-a-Storybook™ strategy has become a customizable ebook with age-appropriate fill-in-the-blank templates, along with advice from six practicing therapists. The book is designed to keep parents on track with the right messages. Children (ages 5-15) love to see themselves in the family photos and derive comfort from being able to read the book again and again in the weeks and months that follow.
Sedacca attributes most of the negative consequences of divorce to one or both parents making choices that are not in the best interest of their children. “Frequently,” she says, “parents are so caught up in their own drama -- in anger, resentment, frustration, grief and other emotions -- that they forget their children love both Mom and Dad and in most cases do not want to lose the connection with their other parent.”
Throughout National Child-Centered Divorce Month she wants to remind parents to share some important messages with their children. These include:
None of this is your fault.
Both Mom and Dad still love you -- and always will.
Despite the changes in your life, you will be okay because Mom and Dad are handling things with you best interest at heart.
Sedacca stresses that “your children are innocent victims of your choices. They are also relatively powerless and emotionally fragile. If you love them, think before you act and remember to put their needs first.”