Deadbeat Dad Gives 1 Million Dollars to His College!...

I could not believe my eyes when I read that a deadbeat dad, who has refused to pay child support for years and owes $45,000 in back support, has bequested one million dollars to Michigan State University.

Is this unbelievable? This man has a million dollars to give away to a college, yet has refuses to support his two children. Greg Bradbury has acknowledged he had not paid child support but will not say why other than that "is is a very personal matter".

So this poor excuse for a father gets to choose whether or not he supports his kids? Apparently, since the state of Minnesota gave up on enforcing the child support order when his children turned 18, citing heavy caseloads. Katherine Bradbury, the mother of the two children was even told that " if I had been on public assistance, they would have been much more helpful."

There are many "father's rights" groups whining and complaining about how unfair child support is and how men never deserve to be punished for non-payment of child support because they cannot afford it.. I wonder how they will defend this guy? This man has at least one million dollars stored away to give to the University upon his death, yet cannot cough up the $45,00o in back child support he owes his children? I sincerely hope the state of Minnesota will freeze his assets and bring him into court. This man should be made an example of.

Find out the three things you must know to have a successful divorce outcome......

Does Your Ex Let His Girlfriend Sleep Over While Your Kids Are Visiting?

Dealing with your ex's new girlfriend is hard enough, but finding out she is sleeping over your ex's house while your kids are visiting can be too much to bear. The thought of another woman playing mommy to your kids for the weekend can fill you with rage, especially if you are in the early stages of your divorce and you have not had a chance to mourn the death of your marriage and work through all of the emotions divorce stirs up.

It is even worse if the woman in your ex's life is the same woman who broke up your marriage. During my own divorce my ex's mistress moved into his house. He had the kids for overnight visitation every other weekend and she was there, spending time with my children. Although it bothered me, I initially tried to accept the situation and give her a chance. That was until my youngest daughter, who was only about 6 at the time, came home and told me that she had slept in the same bed with this woman. Naturally, I was upset and called my lawyer. I was told that unless his girlfriend was a danger to my children, he was within his rights to have her sleep over when the children were there. I did however instruct my ex that under no cirumstances was my daughter to share a bed with his girlfriend. Thankfully, my ex eventually broke up with his woman.

If you are uncomfortable with your ex's girlfriend sleeping voer while your children are present there is very little you can do legally. You can try talking to your ex and setting rules and boundaries. Can they not share the same bed while your kids are there? Is it possible for her to sleep at a friend's or relative's house or if she does not live with your ex, stay at her own home during visitations?

As difficult as it is for you to have the ex's girlfriend sleeping over while your kids are there, imagine how the kids must feel. They have already been through their parent's divorce and it will take time for them to accept a new mate for either of their parents. The best way to introduce a new partner to take it slow. If your ex refuses to cooperate, then it is your job to explain to the kids about their Dad's new love and help them work through any conflicting emotions.

Then, in private, it is your turn to deal with the painful emotions this situation has caused. Feelings like anger, resentment, jealousy, and not wanting your ex to be happy are perfectly normal. Do not try and suppress them. Work through them and then try and let them go. Eventually you will reach a place where you can accept your ex's new girlfriend in your children's lives as long as she treats them well and is a positive role model.

LIES, DAMNED LIES AND STATISTICS

The front page of The Litigation Letter that landed on my desk today boasts the headline “Family Meltdown”. It’s a clear quotation from Mr Justice Coleridge’s speech at the recent Resolution annual conference. However, this article also quotes figures which it says show that the marriage rate in England & Wales has dropped to its lowest level (236,980) since 1895 when the population was presumably considerably smaller than it is now. At the same time the article claimed that the divorce rate has increased to its highest level at 45%, with 10% of marriages lasting less than 5 years.

With figures of this magnitude being quoted, no wonder it’s so easy for those in power to lambast single parents and the breakdown in family life for the ills of society including wayward adolescents, school truancy, bullying, drug abuse, crime and teenage pregnancies. What the figures clearly show, of course, is that cumbersome, outdated divorce laws do nothing to keep marriages together. Quite what the Government intends to do about it though is another issue, especially when we still need some proper laws to regulate the break up of relationships between those couples who opt simply to live together and don’t therefore even feature in these statistics.

Of course, if you are fortunate enough that your marriage has subsisted happily for 5 years or more, what is also suggested (assuming consistency in mortality and divorce rates) is that it is too early to start planning your 60th wedding anniversary. Apparently only 10% of couples marrying today will survive to make those celebrations; whilst purportedly 45 % will divorce, another 45% will be separated by death, because the average age for marrying itself has increased to 31.8 for men and 29.7 for women. That means that the couples who do make it will, on average, presumably be 91.8 and 89.7 years of age. Further, 10% of the number quoted for couples marrying means that 23,698 couples a year should attain this achievement; now that’s what I call success. I knew I’d find something promising in those figures somewhere.

Are You Dating A Divorced Man? Know What You are Getting Into...

If you are dating a divorced man with children, you need to fully understand what you are getting yourself into. It irks me when women date a divorced man and then complain that their boyfriend is paying too much child support and alimony.

Give me a break. You have to expect that if your boyfriend has an ex-wife and kids, he must fulfill his financial and parental obligations to his first family. Dating a divorced man is not like dating a man who has never been married before. Many women knowingly date these men and then get upset when he does not have the money or the time to spend on them.

Any decent man will put his kids first before your relationship. If you are not willing to accept the baggage that comes with dating a divorced man you should date someone who has never been married. Here are few things to expect while dating a divorce man:

1. Unless he is wealthy, he will have less money to spend on dinners out, vacations and other luxuries.

2. He will be spending time with his children. If you want him all to yourself, you are out of luck.

3. He must deal with his ex-wife when it comes to raising his children. You need to accept her as part of his life and get over your resentment.

Finally, if you plan on marrying a divorced man and want to have children, do not complain that there will be less money for your household because he pays child support. You knew about his obligations to his children before you married him. Also be aware that you will have a whole new set of issues with step children. There is nothing wrong with dating a divorced man and you can have a wonderful relationship, if you go into it with your eye wide open and know what to expect.

Are Children of Divorce Spoiled?...

When you are going through a divorce, you naturally worry about your kids and how they will cope with the breakup of your marriage. Telling your kids about the divorce is painful and you want to protect them and make sure their lives are not disrupted or changed anymore than they have to be.

Parents often feel guilty about getting a divorce and it is normal to give your child extra attention during this difficult time. But all too often, in divorced families, one or both parents will start slacking with discipline. They are afraid that they will upset the child if they enforce the rules. Ironically, because of the divorce, kids will act out and behave badly. So it becomes a situation where the children are out of control and the parents are feeling too guilty to discipline them.

Children are smart and can sense when mom and dad are feeling guilty. They will exploit this weakness. What you need to remember is that the kids will do better if the rules that were in place before the divorce are still there after it. Kids crave structure and security. The best thing you can do for you kids during a divorce is to maintain your child's lifestyle without making too many changes too quickly. Sticking to your routines and familiar disciplinary measures will give your child a sense of security during your divorce.

THE SILLY FILLY

Despite earlier resolutions I am unable to resist the opportunity to blog again about the Silly Filly and the Ex. They are no longer an item. He’s had a breakdown and she drove him to it. She abandoned him in the fast lane from where he was transported to a specialist body and recovery centre.

I can’t wait to honk the horn and wave at the Silly Filly as she queues at the bus stop in the morning.

For the beginning of this saga of woe, click here

Dating After Divorce: Are You Ready? watch the video.....

INVOLVING THE IN-LAWS

There appears to be a current trend for involving third parties in financial proceedings ancillary to divorce. In my experience it is a growing phenomenon especially in farming cases and those involving family businesses. “In case we can’t get what you deserve from your spouse, we’ll involve his or her parents,” seems to be the advice being given.

Recently I have been involved in two such matters, representing the third parties on both occasions. Now, pardon me for expressing my view but they never actually married the claimant, so why should they be penalised? They may have given birth to someone who did so marry, but in the eyes of the law that’s hardly a crime and certainly doesn’t give rise to vicarious liability.

As a lawyer I advise clients on the law and how it affects their position. I find it exasperating therefore when the opposing lawyer and his client think that an issue can be resolved by verbal intimidation, litigious threats, a rule of thumb, the misconstruction of case law or even a wish and a prayer.

Complex legal and equitable principles as well as trust law are usually involved. The legal position therefore needs to be properly and meticulously researched. There is not, however, any legal principle to the effect that simply because you spend time or money on someone else’s property or enterprise that you are then entitled to share in it or even assume ownership in its entirety. There are always other factors involved, including for instance common intention (and that’s before you get into considering the evidence to prove your case). Of course, it may all seem unfair depending where you are arguing from but whoever said the law or even life itself for that matter is fair?

If third parties are joined in your ancillary proceedings then you need to ensure that you do have a winnable argument. If not and as in my cases, no declaration will be made in your favour, the third parties will be released from the proceedings and you can be ordered to meet their legal costs.

This morning one of the expert witnesses involved asked me if succeeding for a third party in such circumstances gives me a feeling of euphoria.

Generally in contested family proceedings there are no winners, only losers. Both parties bear their own costs and everyone, including the lawyers, leaves the court thinking “what a waste and if only…” When you act for successful third parties however the victor doesn’t just win, he is victorious! The loser gains nothing except his own and the third party’s legal bills to discharge. For a family lawyer these are strange concepts and feelings. If I get to like them then I shall have to take up litigation instead with its ethos of win or lose.

The Divorce Ring: Symbolic or Ridiculous?...

Divorce rings are gaining popularity, with jewelry stores creating rings

specifically meant for divorcees. D. Jewelry Co. claims their rings are "not only an attractive jewelry, but act as a healing tool for broken hearts".

The rings have a separation in them to symbolize the divorce. The company states on their website that "the rings serve not only the purpose of remembering a particular separation, but also to symbolize a new beginning and positive outlook on the future."

So do divorce rings help you heal after a divorce or are they the brainchild of savvy marketers looking to make a quick buck off people who are divorced? I think a divorce ring can be helpful.

Having something to symbolize the end of your marriage can help you let go and move on. I don't think a divorce ring is something you will want to wear for long though. Eventually, when you have recovered and feel stronger, you will find that you no longer want a daily reminder of your divorce.

Another idea instead of buying a divorce ring, is to take your engagement ring and bring it to a jewelry and have it redesigned. This new ring can symbolize your new found freedom. After a divorce, anything you do that uplifts you and helps you feel better is something worth trying.

Child Support Crusader Takes on DeadBeats in Florida...

Sara Melich, a Southwest Florida woman who has been trying to collect child support from her ex-husband for the last 12 years, has found a way to charge deadbeat parents in the state of Florida with felony charges.

While researching child support cases in 2006, Melich discovered a Florida Statute that was created in 2000. It called for felony charges when a person has at least four misdemeanors for nonsupport or owes at least $5,000 for more than one year.

With more than a dozen civil warrants pending against her ex, she inquired about felony charges being issued. Everyone involved in the family court system, including the judge, was unsure whether or not they could charge her ex with felony charges. But finally a felony warrant was issued.

Sara Melich's ex-husband is now making child support payments and spending time with his daughters. Thanks to her work the Department of Revenue now red-flags repeat child support offenders who can be charged with a felony.

Single mothers like Sara Melich, who take action and challenge the court system are paving the way for easier child support collection. Too often single mothers give up, frustrated by a system that fails to enforce the law and prosecute deadbeat parents who are in arrears. Let her story serve a reminder that with persistence and hard work , you can get the child support owed to your children.

MUSIC TO THE EARS

“Like living with a screeching violin,” is how clients have described to me the effect of a wife’s constant nagging. Little Girl has been learning to play the violin for four years. Today she was practising a new piece. Sometimes, I know how those clients feel.

The Real Wizard of Oz..
Anyone who knows anything about the legal system will tell you the most powerful people in the system are not the judges, but the clerks. The judges clerks can keep you miles away from justice if they don't like you, and the clerks in the office can reject your paperwork indefinitely keeping you and your spouse legally wed into the next millennium. Hence, everyone knows you have to be nice to the judge and even nicer to his "people."
I consider myself always nice and respectful, and usually I do not get the hard times many attorneys who are full of themselves get from these "masters of the universe."
A week or so ago an adversary and I settled a rather messy divorce case and we had our documentation signed, initialed and notarized and were anxious to get it into the court for filing. We had asked that the judge "so order" it a rather unusual step, but one sometimes utilized when attorneys fear that either client may try to undue what has been done and this step takes the stipulation from mere contract to court order. We had faxed the requisite letter advising the court of the settlement and attached the appropriate pages and in that I was going to court that day I thought I would drop off the agreements to chambers.
A phone call was from the clerk of the chambers indicating that he needed to speak with myself and my adversary on a conference call sometime that day involving the settlement. Of course it is difficult to track down lawyers on any given day due to our in and out schedules. My adversary was finally tracked down by her office and we thought we would meet up at the courtroom and see what the problem was.
In that I arrive myself earlier than other counsel, I knocked on the locked courtroom door. It was odd that the door was locked in the first place, but that reason became when I called chambers and they told me the judge was on vacation. I asked to speak with the clerk who called and asked him to come to the locked door to speak with me in that I had the signed stipulations. The secretary, while being incredibly polite advised me almost apologetically that the clerk would not come to the door. She claimed he insisted that my adversary and I do a conference call with him later that day.
Now this felt like OZ. I was knocking at the gates of the Emerald City and was being told that the great and powerful Oz would not grant me an audience! As I attempted to myself with this my adversary happened by to ask me what was going on. I told her what had transpired and after a few unkind words about the ridiculousness of it all, we tried calling chambers again. Of course this time we asked for the audience on behalf of both of us who were now knocking on the other side of the locked courtroom door.
Reluctantly the clerk came out to speak with us. It seems his concerns about our agreement were unfounded in that we had the stipulation in the right format and complied in advance with all of the requirements for so ordering such a stipulation.
Now jokingly my staff refers to me as the Great and Powerful Oz because I make them vet each phone call and not let just anyone through to me, but this takes it all to a new height. Thankfully, another client was at the courthouse with me that day and witnessed this situation. He nodded his head and acknowledged to me that he now understood why I demanded the hourly rate I charged and why the wheels of justice turned as slowly as they did.

The Real Wizard of Oz..
Anyone who knows anything about the legal system will tell you the most powerful people in the system are not the judges, but the clerks. The judges clerks can keep you miles away from justice if they don't like you, and the clerks in the office can reject your paperwork indefinitely keeping you and your spouse legally wed into the next millennium. Hence, everyone knows you have to be nice to the judge and even nicer to his "people."
I consider myself always nice and respectful, and usually I do not get the hard times many attorneys who are full of themselves get from these "masters of the universe."
A week or so ago an adversary and I settled a rather messy divorce case and we had our documentation signed, initialed and notarized and were anxious to get it into the court for filing. We had asked that the judge "so order" it a rather unusual step, but one sometimes utilized when attorneys fear that either client may try to undue what has been done and this step takes the stipulation from mere contract to court order. We had faxed the requisite letter advising the court of the settlement and attached the appropriate pages and in that I was going to court that day I thought I would drop off the agreements to chambers.
A phone call was from the clerk of the chambers indicating that he needed to speak with myself and my adversary on a conference call sometime that day involving the settlement. Of course it is difficult to track down lawyers on any given day due to our in and out schedules. My adversary was finally tracked down by her office and we thought we would meet up at the courtroom and see what the problem was.
In that I arrive myself earlier than other counsel, I knocked on the locked courtroom door. It was odd that the door was locked in the first place, but that reason became when I called chambers and they told me the judge was on vacation. I asked to speak with the clerk who called and asked him to come to the locked door to speak with me in that I had the signed stipulations. The secretary, while being incredibly polite advised me almost apologetically that the clerk would not come to the door. She claimed he insisted that my adversary and I do a conference call with him later that day.
Now this felt like OZ. I was knocking at the gates of the Emerald City and was being told that the great and powerful Oz would not grant me an audience! As I attempted to myself with this my adversary happened by to ask me what was going on. I told her what had transpired and after a few unkind words about the ridiculousness of it all, we tried calling chambers again. Of course this time we asked for the audience on behalf of both of us who were now knocking on the other side of the locked courtroom door.
Reluctantly the clerk came out to speak with us. It seems his concerns about our agreement were unfounded in that we had the stipulation in the right format and complied in advance with all of the requirements for so ordering such a stipulation.
Now jokingly my staff refers to me as the Great and Powerful Oz because I make them vet each phone call and not let just anyone through to me, but this takes it all to a new height. Thankfully, another client was at the courthouse with me that day and witnessed this situation. He nodded his head and acknowledged to me that he now understood why I demanded the hourly rate I charged and why the wheels of justice turned as slowly as they did.

Friends With the Ex: It is Possible!...

You may think that there is no way you can ever be friends with your ex, but surprisingly,some divorcing couples, even those who have been through bitter, nasty divorces, have been able to repair some of the damage and become friends again.

I recently heard of a couple who went through a difficult divorce years ago. Neither of them ever imagined at the time that they would be able to be friends again. They now live on the same street, both are remarried and get together frequently with the new spouses.

Another divorced woman I know has her ex-husband over for coffee several times a week. My former mother in law, after being divorced for 13 years, took her ex-husband in when he was dying of cancer and cared for him up until his death. Stories like theses give us hope that just maybe we can put the bitterness and hurt feelings from the past behind us and be able to get along again with our ex-spouses.

In these examples, it took years for the couples to become friends again. Another factor to consider is that these couples are now in their 60's and 70's, so maybe time does heal all wounds.

Right now the only thing you may feel for your ex is hatred and anger and the thought of being his friend seems impossible. But give yourself time to work through your emotions. Friendship with the ex may not be possible right now, but you never know what the future holds.

THE BIG FREEZE

At what air temperature do your tears freeze? It’s not a question that I normally ponder on but I believe that I nearly discovered the answer last month when I was descending on skis from an altitude of 3,800 metres in a temperature of -20◦ Celsius. I adjusted my goggles, pulled tight my fleece hood and blinked the affected eye in an effort to stop my lids sealing, whilst also hastening my speed. In the end I had to thank Lady Nature for at least making my tears salty and so reducing the temperature at which they would have turned to solid ice.

Does she work in a similar way, I wonder, when blood runs cold and hearts turn to stone?

THE SEAT OF POWER

This week I have been reading papers describing a man who appears to be suffering relationship problems. He was organising a party but it is falling into disarray and there have been rumours circulating for a little while that fisticuffs have even broken out. The man is becoming marginalised. He is openly criticised whenever he tries to speak to justify his actions. He is being pilloried for the way he’s handled the purse strings, as it seems that there is now debt and hardship everywhere. Indecision on his part is allegedly making the whole sorry situation worse and those close to him are reported to be “down in the dumps” as a result.

Now he’s visiting distant relatives in America to get away from it all, whilst asserting that he is committed to sticking it out in the belief that there will be good times again.

Sounds familiar? Welcome to the world of Gordon Brown, PM.

FEMALE DOMINANCE

John Bolch at Family Lore today ruminated on the inevitable demise of divorce (and family lawyers) if parthenogenesis became the normal route for reproduction in the human species.

Co-incidentally Chris Evans on BBC Radio 2 yesterday speculated that with more and more females breaking through the glass ceiling, the evolution of the human species is likely to speed up and women will become like many of the female gender in the insect and reptile kingdoms. They will in essence rule the world, allow men to exist only to impregnate them and then, of course, eat them. There will be presumably be no point in divorce lawyers then either.

Now in isolation I would have dismissed both of these predictions as pure self indulgent nonsense on the part of those advancing them. However, to hear of two similar theories in such a short space of time has to lead you to wonder if there really can be smoke without fire!

Divorce, Youtube Style...

A NY woman has taken her divorce case to the Internet and posted a video about her divorce and her soon to be ex-husband on youtube. Tricia Walsh-Smith's video has had close to $150,000 hits on youtube.com. In the video, she goes through their wedding album on camera, making comments about family members and claims that her husband is trying to evict her from their luxury apartment. She also speaks about their intimate life, complete with embarrassing details.

Obviously this woman is hurt and wants to lash out at her husband by embarrassing him. I am sure making the video and humiliating her husband on the Internet has made her feel better. What better way to tell your side of the story than to make a video and have 150,000 people view it? Anyone who has gone through a nasty divorce battle can sympathize. During a divorce, you feel hurt, angry and sometimes out of control. you want to tell your story to anyone who will listen.

However, making a video about your ex and putting it on youtube,can have some serious legal ramifications. The judge presiding over your divorce case will most likely not appreciate this kind of public outburst. Presenting yourself as an angry, jaded spouse is definitely not in your best interest. You also open yourself up to a possible defamation lawsuit brought by your ex. Although it may be tempting to grab the video camera and spill your ex's dirty secrets on youtube, you need to think of the consequences first.

TWO IN A ROW

Somewhat belatedly, I have just read in quick succession “Angela’s Ashes” and then “Paddy Clarke Ha Ha,” by Frank McCourt and Roddy Doyle respectively. Both are tales of childhood in Ireland, albeit a generation apart. What struck me the most though was the raw deal the wives and their children got in both books. Physically and verbally abused, it was women in such situations that the “new” divorce legislation in this country was meant to assist. Except even if the writers’ mothers had been able to divorce, it’s hard to see how it would have made the slightest difference to the authors, their siblings or their parents. You can’t legislate to make an absent father see his children, stop drinking or behave like a proper role model. Also is there any gain in seeking divorce if society castigates the families still further, women remain second class citizens or there is no adequate structure to provide for them financially? Fortunately the social situation here and in Ireland too is not as it was sixty and forty years ago. Sometimes one has to read books like this to realise how far we have advanced in such a relatively short space of time and also how much still needs to alter.

Win a Free Divorce....

An Australian men's magazine is offering one of it's readers a free divorce, complete with a divorce party featuring a bunch of pin-up girls. There is also a three-tiered divorce cake, a cleaner for two months, a plasma TV, Playstation 3 and a year's subscription to the magazine. They claim the total package to be valued at $10,000.

According to Zoo editor Paul Merrill ,"If a marriage fails it's sad, but what's sadder is being stuck under the same roof as a woman who's just slept with your best mate." He also says "Our lucky winner will get to escape and start a new whole new life. We'll help him at every stage - from buying a new plasma screen and throwing him a party, to finding him a new girlfriend".

So I bet there are scores of unhappy married men down under sending in their applications to win a free divorce, their wives completely clueless. Men who have only briefly thought of divorce, but now are encouraged by this magazine's vulgar contest.

How about offering to pay for marital counseling as the prize instead? Or maybe offer the divorce party and other goodies to a man who is already divorced or going through one. What is disturbing here is that this magazine is encouraging men to leave their wives. They are glorifying divorce with the promise of pin up girls, electronic toys and bachelorhood. It is irresponsible and unethical to participate in the breakup of a marriage. Offering help after the divorce decision has been made is a different story. It is too bad this magazine is more interested in publicity and magazine sales than their readers.

Are You Having Second Thoughts About Getting Divorced?....

Actor Sean Penn and his wife actress Robin Wright have called off their divorce. Divorce papers were filed several months ago, but it seems that the couple have reconciled and are back together.

The couple have been married for many years and have two children, so it is good to see them attempting to work things out instead of rushing into a divorce.

This story has most likely aroused some feelings in people who are currently going through a divorce but may be having second thoughts. Divorce brings up so many conflicting feelings and emotions. One day you feel angry and the next you are overcome with sadness, reminiscing about the good times. How do you know if it is worth giving your marriage another shot?

I think it depends largely on the circumstances of the break up. Did your spouse cheat? If so, can you forgive him? Or maybe you are no longer attracted to your mate and want out of the marriage because you are bored. Can you rekindle the romance if you put some time and energy into the marriage and seek marriage counseling?

If you are having doubts about the divorce and your spouse is open to a reconciliation, then you owe it to yourself and your family to see if your marriage can be saved. Why live with what ifs and regrets? If after marriage counseling and some soul searching you still want a divorce, you can go ahead with a clear conscious and know in your hear you are making the right decision.

ROAD RAGE

There is a time and a place for everything. Unfortunately the family car is an inevitable source of friction when travelling with your nearest and dearest. If he’s driving they will invariably be lost and she will be pleading with him to stop and seek directions. If she’s driving, he will not have been able to resist the urge to offer positive criticism and she will be threatening to throw the keys down the next drain they pass, if he does not shut up.

It was reported that a male driver in Australia was stopped by police in the early hours this morning whilst driving at 125mph (203kph) through a suburb of Perth with a 62mph (100kph) speed limit. He was apparently arguing with his wife on his mobile phone at the time, and the argument continued even after he was stopped. I wonder if he could have been lost and she was offering him directions.

SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH

So it took scientists at 3 universities to publish research which suggests that we can get an inkling as to whether a prospective partner is after a long-term relationship or something a little more casual just by looking at their face.

Funnily that’s the same technique used by most of my clients to try to tell if their partner is being honest about the affair they suspect them of. “Look me in the eyes, and deny it.” Most of them do deny it, of course, and the client is left with only intuition based on the way they hold their eyes, twitch, flinch, or blush.

Maybe university researchers can work out if there is anything in this and whether my clients have themselves made yet another scientific discovery.

5 Ways to Take Back Control During a Divorce...

If you are going through a divorce you need to take some time out to take care of yourself. With all of the emotional upheaval and trauma you are experiencing right now, you need to do some things to regain balance and order in your life.

Here are 5 ways to take back control of your life:

1. Make an appointment at the salon. Go get your hair colored, highlighted and cut. A new look will lift your spirits and make you feel good about yourself again. It is critical that you raise your self-esteem and take care of yourself physically during a divorce. You will feel empowered when you walk into the courtroom looking your very best.

2. Redecorate your bedroom. If you are in the marital home and your ex has moved out, now is the time to make some changes to the bedroom. Put your ex's belongings in boxes if he has not already collected them. Buy a new comforter and some new sheets and pillows for your bed. The bedroom can be a painful reminder of your loss, so making some changes and bringing in some new items can lift your spirits.

3. Hire a babysitter and go out once a week. you need time to yourself to think and heal from the trauma of divorce. Go for lunch with a friend, spend an hour at the gym or join a group on meetup.com. Make sure to schedule this time for yourself.

4. Spend some time outdoors. Plant some new flowers or start a garden. Long walks or bike rides with the kids are great ways to get some exercise and release some energy. Just getting out of the house and into the fresh air will help you to feel better.

5. Go to the library or bookstore and read a novel. You want to lose yourself for awhile so that you are not dwelling on your divorce 24/7. Renting movies and playing board games with the kids are also great distractions. You need to get your mind off of the divorce from time to time so that it does not consume your every waking thought.

DOMESTIC RELATIONSHIPS

I am intrigued by a factoid I’ve just been presented with. (Factoid, definition: a piece of unreliable information, presumed to be true because of the manner in which it is presented.)

Apparently, a substantial number of people in Britain today will have a longer relationship with a household appliance than they will with a partner.

The possibilities are endless. Will there come a time when you need to see a solicitor to secure a divorce from your washing machine? Or what about paying maintenance for the cooker and its four little hobs? Maybe you even fancy a trial separation from the vacuum cleaner. It certainly gives the prospect of a quick spin and then tumble with the dryer a whole new meaning.

Should You Forgive Your Ex?...

Are you ready to let go and forgive your ex? It sounds like a wonderful idea, to be able to turn your feelings of anger, hate and disappointment into ones of peace and love. In an ideal world we would all be able to move on quickly after a divorce and be able to forgive the person who hurt us the most.

But in the "real" world it is not always possible to let go of angry feelings and release our pain just because other people tell us we should. We may want to forgive our ex and move on, but find that bitter feelings keep creeping up inside us.

The truth is that it takes time to reach a place where we can consider forgiveness after a divorce. We must go through the many stages of grief first. Trying to forgive someone who has hurt us deeply, before we mourn the death of the marriage, can be impossible. We may even lie to ourselves and think we have forgiven the ex only to discover deep seated feelings of rage and anger that won't go away.

After a painful divorce you need time to work through all of the negative emotions you are feeling. It is normal to feel hurt, angry, betrayed and sad after a divorce. You must work on releasing each of these emotions first before attempting forgiveness. Once you have reached a place where you can think about or speak to your ex without a strong emotional reaction, you are probably ready to start considering letting go and forgiving. But know that it can take years before you are ready to forgive and that is okay.

What you will discover is that once you are finally ready to make peace with the past and forgive your ex, the person who will benefit the most will not be your ex, it will be you. By forgiving someone who has hurt us, we take back our power. You become free to spend your energy in a positive way instead of dwelling on the past and seething with anger over the way your ex hurt you.

The road to forgiveness can be long and will take time, but it is worth it. Someday you will reach a place where you look back on your marriage without regrets and without blame and instead be grateful that the experience lead you to the wonderful place you are at in your life right now.

GETTING AWAY FROM IT ALL

Sometime there comes a point when we just want to get away. The stress and anxiety of our daily life pushes us to taking a luxury holiday in the belief that it will prove the panacea for our problems. Put enough distance between us and them and they’ll go away. Sadly it isn’t always a successful strategy; worries can travel with us and spending two weeks lying on a beach, soaking up the sun may give more opportunity than we would like to dwell on them

My own preference for a totally destressing break remains an activity holiday. Trekking (amongst my clients Kilimanjaro remains the most popular destination), white water rafting, cycling, climbing, sailing or my own recent choice of skiing all work in the same way. During the day you are concentrating so much on staying upright, defeating the elements and terrain to reach your destination intact that you can think of nothing else. At night you are so exhausted you really do sleep! Net result: you arrive home mentally refreshed, physically fit and ready to face the problems confronting you again.

GANG SHOW

Gang Show 07
Originally uploaded by Mark E
I have just returned home after watching my nephews participate in a local gang show. Nothing in “Riding Along on the Crest of a Wave” that could possibly have any connection with divorce you might think, and yes you would be correct. In fact the closest we got to anything that could be repeated in this blog was when one boy scout dressed as a woman said to another boy scout dressed as a woman: “There are enough grounds in this cup of coffee for a divorce.”

Your Ex and His New Girlfriend....

People magazine featured a photo today of Hulk Hogan, who is in the middle of a nasty divorce battle, at the beach, cuddling up with his new lover. You have to wonder how his soon to be ex-wife of 24 years feels. If she is like most women going through a divorce, it hurts her to see her ex with someone else.

I remember, when during my own divorce, I found out that my ex took his mistress to Christmas dinner with his family. It was shocking that I could be replaced so quickly after 13 years of marriage. Months later I found out that he was planning to take her on our family vacation, a timeshare in Florida that we had gone to with our kids every year. To me that was almost sacrilegious. It is one thing to cheat and quite another to bring your lover to a place where you have many happy memories with your wife and kids at.

Thankfully the trip did not happen. Other women have not been so lucky. A women I know found out that her husband not only took his mistress to their favorite vacation place, he was also taking their beloved dogs with him to visit his girlfriend. The thought her husband's lover touching her pets made her sick.

Why do men become so insensitive during a divorce? Even Jenifer Aniston said that ex-husband Brad Pitt was "missing a sensitivity chip" when he began going out in public with Angelina Jolie before the ink was dry on their divorce papers. I think men become so armoured with a new love that they forget that they are hurting their ex-wives and children by flaunting their new loves.

My advice to men is be discreet and keep your new relationship quiet during the intital stages of divorce. Stop and think how your actions are going to affect your ex-wife and kids. And make sure to pick a new vacation place to take your girlfriend to! There is no need to bring her to a place you visited with your wife.

IN VOGUE

Have you ever fancied being a magazine cover girl? Have you taken your flight of fancy still further and tried to become something you are not? At a time when makeovers are in vogue, the pressure upon us to look good, stay active and behave 20 years younger than we really are has never been so great. What if it’s only you who seeks to change and not your partner? If you go down this path isn’t it something you should do together? If not, what will be the outcome?

If you are nonetheless confident that becoming the new front page face is certainly your style then just click here.

DOUBLE DIVORCE BLOW

Yesterday a Muslim man in Malaysia divorced his two wives within minutes of each other in the same court. Apparently both women, who are reported to get on well with each other and who both lived with the man concerned, had expressed a simultaneous desire to be divorced, begging the question whether this was some kind of plot or alternatively what extremes of behaviour he had displayed to lose not just one but both of his wives. What must have made it even worse is that the women’s occupations (a housewife and a nurse) were obviously designed to meet his every need. In any event the husband said “talaq” against first one and then the other.

Here in the UK polygamous marriages are, of course, prohibited regardless of one’s religion. It does make you wonder, however, about the complexity of the financial proceedings that could follow. Indeed those men who think they get a rough deal here when the house is sold and they receive only a small percentage of the proceeds could fare a lot worse if they had two wives to re-house and pay maintenance for.

Gaining Weight After a Divorce...

Last night I was watching an episode of the new show "I Can Make You Thin". The host claims to be able to help people lose weight by using various tapping techniques to help them conquer emotional overeating.

There was a woman featured on the show who gained a substantial amount of weight after her divorce. She was shocked and devastated when she discovered her husband was having an affair with her brother's wife.

For two years, she suppressed her emotions and turned to food for comfort. This reaction to a divorce is common. People who suffer through a traumatic event, such as divorce, often use food, alcohol, drugs or other distractions like gambling or shopping to help numb the pain. So how can you avoid putting on the pounds or becoming addicted to something after a divorce?

The best way is to deal with your emotions while you are having them. Do not suppress feelings that arise. If you feel angry with your ex you need to acknowledge the feeling, allow it to be and then let it go. The key is to feel the feelings, accept them as normal and them release them. Deal directly with painful emotions instead of burying them with food or alcohol. You find that you will reach less for comfort foods when you find out what is really bothering you inside.

LOOKING AFTER NUMBER ONE

Whilst skiing last week, Outdoor Man and I separated. It was the usual thing; he and Little Girl flew down the slope so fast that they skied right past the lift we were taking. Now I may be slow but that does not mean that I am stupid. Hence, I hopped on the lift, motioning to them as I drifted overhead that I’d see them at the top. They had a long detour to make and an extra lift, so it meant that I had a solitary 40 minutes to pass as best I could.

I headed for the terrace of a conveniently situated restaurant. With sunshine on my face, a gluhwein to indulge in and all around the majestic scenery of the mountain tops, it was a most satisfying interlude.

When you are all alone, it is, of course, vital that you look after yourself.