When the Judges are the Scariest Part of the Job

Last night during our "date night" my husband decided to tell me one of the reasons he loved our country. He decided to relay this information to me after I had imparted to him the details of my day. It was overall a rather good day and  in my world this warrants bright discussion and celebration. When I got to a rough patch involving some new jurists that had now entered the field of matrimonial law I explained that I was less than ecstatic with the thought of having to explain the entire world of matrimonial law each time I entered the chambers.
This is where my husband declared our country to be his beloved. You see he explained we need to give this kind of power to someone, and we the people decide who to give it to. Then if we are unhappy with how that power is used, we can take it away. This of course is a very rational and sound way of thinking about our system of government, however in terms of the judiciary branch it takes some time before we can change our minds about jurists.  A supreme court judge in our state serves a 14 year term.  That is an awful long time to be unhappy with the way a particular individual handles the power given to them.
Mulling this over he shook his head and declared that he agreed but asked about the alternatives as far as dealing with my situation.  Without blinking an eye I indicated that my adversary and I had reached an accord on this right away.....we would settle the case. As difficult as our clients were, the thought of putting them up on the stand to be judged in this forum was suicidal for us all. Now we just have to convince our clients that it is time to move on with their lives.

When the Judges are the Scariest Part of the Job

Last night during our "date night" my husband decided to tell me one of the reasons he loved our country. He decided to relay this information to me after I had imparted to him the details of my day. It was overall a rather good day and  in my world this warrants bright discussion and celebration. When I got to a rough patch involving some new jurists that had now entered the field of matrimonial law I explained that I was less than ecstatic with the thought of having to explain the entire world of matrimonial law each time I entered the chambers.
This is where my husband declared our country to be his beloved. You see he explained we need to give this kind of power to someone, and we the people decide who to give it to. Then if we are unhappy with how that power is used, we can take it away. This of course is a very rational and sound way of thinking about our system of government, however in terms of the judiciary branch it takes some time before we can change our minds about jurists.  A supreme court judge in our state serves a 14 year term.  That is an awful long time to be unhappy with the way a particular individual handles the power given to them.
Mulling this over he shook his head and declared that he agreed but asked about the alternatives as far as dealing with my situation.  Without blinking an eye I indicated that my adversary and I had reached an accord on this right away.....we would settle the case. As difficult as our clients were, the thought of putting them up on the stand to be judged in this forum was suicidal for us all. Now we just have to convince our clients that it is time to move on with their lives.

DIVORCE STATISTICS

Resolution is again backing calls for divorce law reform in England and Wales after newly released statistics highlight the flaws of a “blame centred” divorce process. The latest figures released today by the Office for National Statistics show that behaviour and adultery were cited in the vast majority of divorces.

In 2008, of all decrees awarded to one partner (rather than jointly to both), 67 per cent were awarded to the wife. In more than half of the cases where the divorce was granted to the wife, the husband’s behaviour was the fact proven. Of the divorces granted to the husband, the most common fact proven was the wife’s behaviour (34 per cent of cases).

Resolution, contends that this is because couples cannot currently get a divorce without having to blame one another for unreasonable behaviour or adultery unless they wait for two years.

Family break ups are a sad fact of modern life. With one in three children experiencing the breakup of their parents’ relationship before their 16th birthday, it’s essential that conflict is kept to a minimum when families separate. But, as these figures show, the present system encourages mud-slinging and blame. At the moment couples not wanting to blame one another have to wait two years before they can get a divorce. But for many, waiting two years to sort out their finances rules out this option.

Resolution is calling for a new system whereby couples can divorce on the grounds of “irretrievable breakdown” of their marriage with a maximum waiting period of six months. We urgently need to replace this blame centred divorce process with a civilised process for a civilised society.

I've Never Done This Before.........


Walking into an attorneys office to discuss the termination of ones marriage to some people is the equivalent of getting dental surgery without pain medication. Believe me, I do understand just walking through the door is sometimes a very difficult decision.

Unless however, you are walking into an attorney who is counsel to the "stars" most clients entering into any attorneys office chances are, will be dealing with their first divorce. Sure there are clients who come in and say that they have been married before, but most will also say the circumstances were quite different so in effect each time is like a first.

Asking questions and getting information is the reason you have chosen to enter my office in the first place. You should never feel ashamed or embarassed by the questions that you ask. The only thing you should feel embarassed about saying is "I've never done this before" or "This is my first divorce." These unnecessary statements meant to mask what you perceive as your ignorance regarding the law is something most lawyers will just want to roll their eyes about.
Of course you don't know the law, you aren't meant to, that is why you are in our office in the first place. There is no need for you to make excuses for your questions. This is not a test, where you pass or fail based on your knowledge or lack of same. None of my clients are "experts" at divorce. I am the only expert...if you will:)
So my first piece of advice to clients. Do not apologize for what you don't know. Embrace the fact that you are seeking information and knowledge and soak it up like a sponge. Feel comfortable with the lawyer you ultimately choice and then let him or her do her job. Afterall....I have done this before...

I've Never Done This Before.........


Walking into an attorneys office to discuss the termination of ones marriage to some people is the equivalent of getting dental surgery without pain medication. Believe me, I do understand just walking through the door is sometimes a very difficult decision.

Unless however, you are walking into an attorney who is counsel to the "stars" most clients entering into any attorneys office chances are, will be dealing with their first divorce. Sure there are clients who come in and say that they have been married before, but most will also say the circumstances were quite different so in effect each time is like a first.

Asking questions and getting information is the reason you have chosen to enter my office in the first place. You should never feel ashamed or embarassed by the questions that you ask. The only thing you should feel embarassed about saying is "I've never done this before" or "This is my first divorce." These unnecessary statements meant to mask what you perceive as your ignorance regarding the law is something most lawyers will just want to roll their eyes about.
Of course you don't know the law, you aren't meant to, that is why you are in our office in the first place. There is no need for you to make excuses for your questions. This is not a test, where you pass or fail based on your knowledge or lack of same. None of my clients are "experts" at divorce. I am the only expert...if you will:)
So my first piece of advice to clients. Do not apologize for what you don't know. Embrace the fact that you are seeking information and knowledge and soak it up like a sponge. Feel comfortable with the lawyer you ultimately choice and then let him or her do her job. Afterall....I have done this before...

HUMAN BED-WARMERS

I was asked a strange question today. As a divorce lawyer where do I stand on Holiday Inn’s announcement that it is to trial human bed-warmers?

To be honest, I never thought that I was obliged to take a stance on this issue. However, as someone who has recently taken to wearing socks in bed when temperatures have plummeted, it occurs to me that maybe I should have a view.

On reflection I can understand why the question was posed. The element of suspicion that might be engendered when one spouse returns from a business trip to tell their partner how the bed was warmed for them by a god or goddess dressed from top to toe in fleece, could theoretically be damaging for their relationship. However, Holiday Inn has given assurances that the bed-warmers will leave before the guests snuggle down between the sheets, so I do think it would be unfair for anyone to suggest otherwise.

Nonetheless and after careful consideration, I am going to say that I do think Holiday Inn by its actions could inadvertently risk increasing the divorce rate. After all, a bed that’s cosy from head to foot avoids the need for a couple to snuggle up together. Now what is that going to do for romance and those couples looking to rekindle lost feelings? There has to be a risk that this practice, if fully implemented across the complete chain of Holiday Inn’s hotels, could add to the number of failed marriages.

Come to think of it will our political parties with their love of legislation and currently vying with each other on ways to keep marriages intact, soon add to their manifestoes a bill to outlaw the art of bed-warming? Banning electric blankets, hot water bottles and humans dressed in fleece might still do nothing for their ratings but it will keep me in my socks for a little longer.

GIFT EXPERIENCES AT DEBENHAMS

There has been a considerable amount of hoo-ha this week about Debenham’s decision to offer a divorce gift list. The store is reported to claim that it’s in response to the growing popularity of parties, cakes and cards to celebrate the unravelling of the knot. However and in so doing it has come in for criticism for trivialising marriage and making divorce a fun event.

Purely in the interests of scientific research I visited the Debenham’s website this evening to see what was on offer. There was no obvious department on the tabs at the top of the page and I therefore tried Gifts. Although broken down into Occasions, Recipients and Categories, I could find nothing for divorce or divorcees. Browsing the other tabs, I wondered if the store might even be so bold as to have included this new line under its wedding tab. I duly clicked, but “relief,” there was nothing there to undermine the institution of marriage. In desperation I tried every tab, but there was nothing.

Finally I tried a search of the whole site. “Divorce gift list” I inserted. The first entry it came back with was: “Gift experiences: Audi R8 thrill.” Now you’re talking!

BLOOMING AGAIN

Visitors to my home frequently delight me by arriving bearing gifts. At this time of year flowering pot plants are keenly appreciated and make a colourful and vivid contrast to the sombre monotones that otherwise seem to dominate our existence. Sadly, however, the flowers droop, then fall and, as spring turns to summer, I have a display of depressed looking greenery on my kitchen windowsill. More out of routine than conscious effort they absorb the water and Baby Bio poured in their direction, but as the days shorten one begins to despair of their forlorn and hopeless attitude; will they ever bloom again? It always pleases me, therefore, when, as winter strengthens its grip, tiny shoots of recovery appear and, gradually during the shortest days of the year, those once subdued, sullen and sickly stalks blossom again with a profusion of pink and purple petals.

Ask The Divorce Guy!

Ok, now this is rich. Dealing with neophite attorneys who enter the field of matrimonial law thinking they can cut their teeth while ruining peoples lives is not enough to deal with, now we have to contend with tThe Divorce Guy. Who is the divorce guy ? According to his website: Ask The Divorce Guy

He is not a divorce attorney, expert or professional of any kind. He has not received any training in regards to divorce other than he has experienced a divorce himself. Asking him a question is like asking a friend a question.

This guys biggest claim to fame is that he  has talked to thousands of people contemplating divorce, going through divorce, or the chaos afterwards and gives referrals, support, and friendly advice. He resides in Nevada, the state with the highest divorce rate in the US.

GIVE ME A BREAK!!!! Now I know anyone can write a blog and give advice and it is actually very responsible of this guy to let everyone know he has no knowledge of anything other than his own experience and the fact that he lives in Nevada, (which I haven't yet checked to see if his claim of it having the hightest divorce rate in the US is indeed accurate).
 
What is it that this guy dispenses? Common sense. He directs individuals to websites and books that can help them but he really is walking the tightrope in trying not to dispense legal advice which we all know is illegal for anyone who is not a licensed legal practicionner to do.
 
Why is this guy popular? He is free and he is easily accessible on the internet. Just be careful, most attorneys will dispense free legal advice during a consultation. It might be worth your while to get up from behind the computer and seek one out.


PS...I checked it out as of March 2009 Nevada did indeed have the highest divorce rate in the country....

Ask The Divorce Guy!

Ok, now this is rich. Dealing with neophite attorneys who enter the field of matrimonial law thinking they can cut their teeth while ruining peoples lives is not enough to deal with, now we have to contend with tThe Divorce Guy. Who is the divorce guy ? According to his website: Ask The Divorce Guy

He is not a divorce attorney, expert or professional of any kind. He has not received any training in regards to divorce other than he has experienced a divorce himself. Asking him a question is like asking a friend a question.

This guys biggest claim to fame is that he  has talked to thousands of people contemplating divorce, going through divorce, or the chaos afterwards and gives referrals, support, and friendly advice. He resides in Nevada, the state with the highest divorce rate in the US.

GIVE ME A BREAK!!!! Now I know anyone can write a blog and give advice and it is actually very responsible of this guy to let everyone know he has no knowledge of anything other than his own experience and the fact that he lives in Nevada, (which I haven't yet checked to see if his claim of it having the hightest divorce rate in the US is indeed accurate).
 
What is it that this guy dispenses? Common sense. He directs individuals to websites and books that can help them but he really is walking the tightrope in trying not to dispense legal advice which we all know is illegal for anyone who is not a licensed legal practicionner to do.
 
Why is this guy popular? He is free and he is easily accessible on the internet. Just be careful, most attorneys will dispense free legal advice during a consultation. It might be worth your while to get up from behind the computer and seek one out.


PS...I checked it out as of March 2009 Nevada did indeed have the highest divorce rate in the country....

THE DARK AGES

This week Bristol Crown Court is dealing with the trial of a farmer accused of murdering his wife after she demanded a divorce and £800,000. Around the corner in Swansea, the Crown Court was told today that a husband killed his wife and dumped her body by a motorway in a suitcase after they rowed over his use of casual sex websites.

Are we retreating back to the Dark Ages? What is so wrong with a “quickie divorce” when it's alleged that there are people who insist on a more insidious solution to achieve what they callously perceive as an “easy fix?”

Dr. Phil's Divorce Readiness Test.

I said it would happen and it did...Dr. Phil has a Divorce Readiness Test I re-print here for your reading pleasure:



Are you ready to get divorced? If you’re unhappy and think you’re ready to call it quits, answer the five questions in Dr. Phil's Divorce Readiness Test:




1. Have you done everything you can to save and rehabilitate your marriage?

2. Do you have unfinished emotional business?

3. Have you researched, planned, and prepared yourself legally for divorce?

4. Are you ready to adopt a new standard of conduct with your children?

5. Are you willing to create a new relationship as a co-parent?



Dr. Phil believes most people in America are too quick to get divorced. You shouldn't get a divorce, he says, until you’ve turned over every stone and investigated every avenue of rehabilitation possible; you have no unfinished emotional business; you’ve researched, planned and prepared yourself legally; you’re ready to adopt a new standard of conduct with your children and you’re willing to create a new relationship as a co-parent.



For more on his first two questions, read on:





Have you gotten help for your marriage? Have you exhausted all avenues of putting your marriage back together? That means everything from reading books or going to a marriage counselor, to speaking to a clergy member and spending time focusing on you and your role in what's going on.



You need to ask yourself:





•What was your marriage like when it worked?



•When did it go wrong? Why?



•Is what you're fighting about worth breaking up your marriage?



•What do you want?



•What is it costing you to be in your relationship?



•Are you willing to put in the effort to make the relationship work?



•What are you doing to contaminate the relationship?

"You know you're ready for a divorce when you can walk out the door with no anger, frustration or hurt. Otherwise, you've got unfinished business," says Dr. Phil. "Unless and until you look each other in the eye feeling peace, no hatred or resentment, you're not ready to get a divorce."







Do not make life-changing decisions in the midst of emotional turmoil. Such consequential decisions should not be made when tensions are high. Get on flat ground first so you can look at things more rationally.







Ask yourself:



•Are you still in love with your spouse?

•Are you hurt?

•Are you scared?

•Are you angry?

•Are you confused?

If you answered yes to any of those questions, you've failed the test. This is not the time to make life-changing decisions. You have more work to do.

Dr. Phil's Divorce Readiness Test.

I said it would happen and it did...Dr. Phil has a Divorce Readiness Test I re-print here for your reading pleasure:



Are you ready to get divorced? If you’re unhappy and think you’re ready to call it quits, answer the five questions in Dr. Phil's Divorce Readiness Test:




1. Have you done everything you can to save and rehabilitate your marriage?

2. Do you have unfinished emotional business?

3. Have you researched, planned, and prepared yourself legally for divorce?

4. Are you ready to adopt a new standard of conduct with your children?

5. Are you willing to create a new relationship as a co-parent?



Dr. Phil believes most people in America are too quick to get divorced. You shouldn't get a divorce, he says, until you’ve turned over every stone and investigated every avenue of rehabilitation possible; you have no unfinished emotional business; you’ve researched, planned and prepared yourself legally; you’re ready to adopt a new standard of conduct with your children and you’re willing to create a new relationship as a co-parent.



For more on his first two questions, read on:





Have you gotten help for your marriage? Have you exhausted all avenues of putting your marriage back together? That means everything from reading books or going to a marriage counselor, to speaking to a clergy member and spending time focusing on you and your role in what's going on.



You need to ask yourself:





•What was your marriage like when it worked?



•When did it go wrong? Why?



•Is what you're fighting about worth breaking up your marriage?



•What do you want?



•What is it costing you to be in your relationship?



•Are you willing to put in the effort to make the relationship work?



•What are you doing to contaminate the relationship?

"You know you're ready for a divorce when you can walk out the door with no anger, frustration or hurt. Otherwise, you've got unfinished business," says Dr. Phil. "Unless and until you look each other in the eye feeling peace, no hatred or resentment, you're not ready to get a divorce."







Do not make life-changing decisions in the midst of emotional turmoil. Such consequential decisions should not be made when tensions are high. Get on flat ground first so you can look at things more rationally.







Ask yourself:



•Are you still in love with your spouse?

•Are you hurt?

•Are you scared?

•Are you angry?

•Are you confused?

If you answered yes to any of those questions, you've failed the test. This is not the time to make life-changing decisions. You have more work to do.

THE SLIPPERY SLOPE

Long term followers of this blog will know that Dom and I made a commitment to each other some 2½ years ago now. However things have been getting a little difficult over the last 3 weeks and this morning I found myself telling him “to get a grip.” I know you’re meant to talk these things through to find a mutually acceptable compromise because there’s never any future in simply stamping feet and insisting on change. Nevertheless in this instance, and whilst Dom may not appreciate it, he is not going to be allowed to slip again. A girl has standards that must be maintained when she’s out and about looking to accelerate and move on in life; Dom is very definitely getting winter tyres!

TEAM PLAYERS

Get families together and, if they’re anything like ours then after a large meal (priorities first) there’s nothing better than a game pitting brother against sister, in-law against out-law or husband against wife. Charades is probably still one of the most popular party games for such occasions. At New Year with a bottle of whisky in one hand and a Christmas cracker in the other, can there be anything more exciting than watching great uncle Henry attempt to mime “Gone with the Wind” for the amusement of his extended family?

There are of course now hosts of boxed games catering for the yearning within to make a fool of yourself whilst competing for family honour in a mini domestic Olympics.

This festive break we played two games in particular, “Articulate” and “Outburst”. They were aptly named, and watching those around me indulge in gamesmanship or attempt to cheat their way to success, I quickly learned why a failure to articulate adeptly or unnecessary outbursts of bad temper and indignation can ruin many a relationship. Indeed my best advice for those who are potentially vulnerable or faint hearted would be to stick to card games instead. "Happy Families" springs to mind!

ACQUIRING A FORTUNE

I have for some time been endeavouring to persuade Outdoor Man to take up golf. I’m convinced it will be significantly safer than the ice climbing and back country skiing trip he is currently contemplating. Newspaper reports today to the effect that Tiger Woods has agreed to pay his wife what she has purportedly described as a “$300 million Christmas present” have strengthened my resolve; after all Outdoor Man could turn out to be a gifted player with championship potential!

THE BIG FREEZE

It started a week before Christmas when all that white stuff fell from the sky and lay and lay. It got harder as the temperature lowered. Cold and impenetrable it just sat there for two whole weeks. Then yesterday, on New Year’s Eve, there was a visible thaw and at the same time I saw our lawn or at least some blades of grass, as the blanket of snow and ice appeared to recede.

Not for long though. By 4pm it was snowing heavily and a silent, frigid atmosphere enveloped us again.

I awoke this morning to another crusty start, a bitter chill and a vast expanse of white nothingness.

2010 is starting the way 2009 finished. Who would be foolish enough to think a few clock chimes and a glass of champagne at midnight would make a difference?