BAGGAGE

Apprentice Man sat his last GCSE exam today and now has a summer’s freedom before returning to school in September. Sometimes the attraction of closing a door as we step through can be the enticement of liberty at the other side. On most occasions, however, our responsibilities follow us across the threshold and into the big blue yonder. Indeed rarely do we encounter a situation where we travel, no matter what distance, without some baggage about us. It’s different when you are still in your teens; July and August seem like an eternity to be filled with whatever you choose and there’s no need to act hostage to responsibility, guilt, sorrow or whatever emotions could fill that rucksack on your back. No wonder that in later years the innocence of childhood and adventures of adolescence hold certain nostalgia as we struggle with the weight of life’s experiences and all it throws at us.

Worried About The Effect Of Divorce On Your Kids?

The shift from a two-parent home to a one-parent home isn’t easy. You will question yourself, and the circumstances your children are thrown into. Will they grow up damaged in some way? It’s best to remember that no upbringing is perfect. Many children from unbroken homes grow up twisted. I believe that whether you grow up in a home with two parents or one, you will probably be a little screwed up anyway. People aren’t perfect, neither parents nor children. We can only try our best.

Ask yourself each day: Am I giving my children a safe, loving home with the things they need to be happy? Do I communicate with them every day, keeping up with their lives and changes? Do I show them love? If you can truthfully answer, “yes” to these questions then you are probably doing a good job as a parent.
The bottom line is that divorce is painful and you cannot completely protect your children from this pain. But you can lessen the risk of emotional damage and raise healthy, happy children even in the face of divorce.

Hillaryland

The Washington Post had a fascinating article on Hillary Clinton and her campaign. It seems that Senator Clinton has amassed a posse of intelligent women who surround her and are at the forefront of her campaign for the Presidency. The fact that she is the first female to run for president is in and of itself is history in the making. The fact that her inner team consists of all women with a smattering of male talent on the outskirts makes this race all the more dynamic. Whether you agree with her politics or not one must admire the fact that Hillary Clinton has bypassed the "old boys" network and brought in fresh new female talent to win this election.

As a woman I am in awe of the inner workings of a campaign which until now has been reserved for "gentlemen only." Hillary's inner circle is run as most women would run an organization, taking the time to get involved with each member, celebrating births and mourning deaths; lending a well place hand when one is in need.
A far cry from the corporate male mentality of non personalizing ones job and viewing employees as pawns, the Clinton inner circle could be a ladies night out but instead of discussing issues involving the local elementary school politics these women are discussing strategies involving world affairs.

The women of Hillaryland are "every woman." They represent all of us out there who for so long have been kept out of the male dominated political world of the Presidency. All of us in our sewing circles and prayer groups and Mommy and Me classes who have been made to feel that our views really don't count in the world of national politics should rejoice. We are 51% of the population and it is about time our voice is heard at the highest levels of our democracy.

At the present time Liberia, Chile' and Israel and Ireland have female presidents. Margaret Thathcher was Prime Minister of England for 11 years. East Germany, Switzerland the Phillipines,Malta, Haiti, Nicaragua,Bolivia, Iceland, Argentinia, Finland,Panama are among the nations who have had female heads of state. It is hard to beleive that in this melting pot society of ours that all of our Presidents to date have been white christian males. For the first time in history as viable candidates of a formal political party we have an African American in the mix and a Woman. This will be an exciting race to watch. Will Americans stay with the tried and true or will they elect someone who is more like the face of America today?

Whether you are for or against Hillary Clinton is irrelevant. The fact that she has smashed the glass ceiling of the office of the presidency by finally making it a equal opportunity position should make all of us who have estrogen flowing through our body burst with pride.

Hillaryland

The Washington Post had a fascinating article on Hillary Clinton and her campaign. It seems that Senator Clinton has amassed a posse of intelligent women who surround her and are at the forefront of her campaign for the Presidency. The fact that she is the first female to run for president is in and of itself is history in the making. The fact that her inner team consists of all women with a smattering of male talent on the outskirts makes this race all the more dynamic. Whether you agree with her politics or not one must admire the fact that Hillary Clinton has bypassed the "old boys" network and brought in fresh new female talent to win this election.

As a woman I am in awe of the inner workings of a campaign which until now has been reserved for "gentlemen only." Hillary's inner circle is run as most women would run an organization, taking the time to get involved with each member, celebrating births and mourning deaths; lending a well place hand when one is in need.
A far cry from the corporate male mentality of non personalizing ones job and viewing employees as pawns, the Clinton inner circle could be a ladies night out but instead of discussing issues involving the local elementary school politics these women are discussing strategies involving world affairs.

The women of Hillaryland are "every woman." They represent all of us out there who for so long have been kept out of the male dominated political world of the Presidency. All of us in our sewing circles and prayer groups and Mommy and Me classes who have been made to feel that our views really don't count in the world of national politics should rejoice. We are 51% of the population and it is about time our voice is heard at the highest levels of our democracy.

At the present time Liberia, Chile' and Israel and Ireland have female presidents. Margaret Thathcher was Prime Minister of England for 11 years. East Germany, Switzerland the Phillipines,Malta, Haiti, Nicaragua,Bolivia, Iceland, Argentinia, Finland,Panama are among the nations who have had female heads of state. It is hard to beleive that in this melting pot society of ours that all of our Presidents to date have been white christian males. For the first time in history as viable candidates of a formal political party we have an African American in the mix and a Woman. This will be an exciting race to watch. Will Americans stay with the tried and true or will they elect someone who is more like the face of America today?

Whether you are for or against Hillary Clinton is irrelevant. The fact that she has smashed the glass ceiling of the office of the presidency by finally making it a equal opportunity position should make all of us who have estrogen flowing through our body burst with pride.

LETTING GO - Chattels and Other Items

Last week the family and I went for a studio session in a local photographers and today went back to choose the prints we are having made up into pieces for the wall. “Family heirlooms,” the sales pitch describes them as.
It set me thinking. A decade ago, most of my cases would involve an argument over a division of the family photographs; fortunately the age of digital photography has made such disputes passé.
That said, frequently the stumbling block to settlement terms can still be an heirloom of sentimental rather than monetary value. It’s all about letting go and yet locked into a dispute with what seems like nothing else to hold onto, it can be very hard to do.
Once upon a time I remember a client arguing about a teapot passed to her by an elderly aunt of her husband’s. Both claimed ownership but eventually the husband gave in and my client retained it. I met her a few months later in the street and couldn’t help asking after the item. It transpired that she no longer had it.
“I let go,” she explained.
I assumed she meant in the metaphysical sense but then she elaborated: “Slipped straight through my fingers when I was moving it from the dresser,” she said. “Mind, I never did like it. I only wanted it because he did. After all it was only a ‘thing’!”

The "Duke" Disbarment

I have to admit I was glued to my satellite radio listening to the Prosecutorial misconduct case for Nifong this passed week. The alleged Duke Rape case was enough to make any mother of boys cringe and despair to think that "But for the Grace of God go I," in hoping that we raise our children with enough common sense and moral values that they would not get involved in a situation which could lead to these type of allegations. The fact of the matter exists however, that those boys could have been any of our sons and the fact that they were so doggedly pursued and essentially railroaded leaves us all a little uneasy with our common believe that the truth will always set us free. In this case it was some hidden DNA results that set them free. Hidden in fact so well that it took a team of lawyers quite a while to discover it amongst many many pages of requested discovery. As the mother of sons I am angry that a mere allegation by some woman whose morals and judgment can and should certainly be questioned can cause such destruction in the lives of some careless young men. I am also angered by the power the DA exerted in doggedly pursuing this case when evidence came in questioning the allegations made. Did the DA misuse his office? Of course he did.

That being said, I wonder still if disbarment of Nifong was the correct punishment for this crime. Being an attorney myself I truly feel for other lawyers who are brought before the grievance committee in an attempt to second guess their actions. Regardless of Nifong's zeal in prosecuting this case, did his actions warrant the I punishment he received which is basically stripping him of his ability to earn a living? This is the question with which I struggle. I am glad that he resigned his position of DA and in fact would have been in favor of throwing him out of the position physically had he not resigned on his own. I also don't think this man should be put in any other positions of power, like a judgeship. Perhaps therefore a public censure would have been more of an appropriate punishment. Taking away his ability to provide for his family seems to me an inappropriate way of expressing our displeasure of his actions.
Perhaps I am soft hearted, but disbarment in my mind should be reserved for those who have no moral compass, not for those who have merely lost their way.

The "Duke" Disbarment

I have to admit I was glued to my satellite radio listening to the Prosecutorial misconduct case for Nifong this passed week. The alleged Duke Rape case was enough to make any mother of boys cringe and despair to think that "But for the Grace of God go I," in hoping that we raise our children with enough common sense and moral values that they would not get involved in a situation which could lead to these type of allegations. The fact of the matter exists however, that those boys could have been any of our sons and the fact that they were so doggedly pursued and essentially railroaded leaves us all a little uneasy with our common believe that the truth will always set us free. In this case it was some hidden DNA results that set them free. Hidden in fact so well that it took a team of lawyers quite a while to discover it amongst many many pages of requested discovery. As the mother of sons I am angry that a mere allegation by some woman whose morals and judgment can and should certainly be questioned can cause such destruction in the lives of some careless young men. I am also angered by the power the DA exerted in doggedly pursuing this case when evidence came in questioning the allegations made. Did the DA misuse his office? Of course he did.

That being said, I wonder still if disbarment of Nifong was the correct punishment for this crime. Being an attorney myself I truly feel for other lawyers who are brought before the grievance committee in an attempt to second guess their actions. Regardless of Nifong's zeal in prosecuting this case, did his actions warrant the I punishment he received which is basically stripping him of his ability to earn a living? This is the question with which I struggle. I am glad that he resigned his position of DA and in fact would have been in favor of throwing him out of the position physically had he not resigned on his own. I also don't think this man should be put in any other positions of power, like a judgeship. Perhaps therefore a public censure would have been more of an appropriate punishment. Taking away his ability to provide for his family seems to me an inappropriate way of expressing our displeasure of his actions.
Perhaps I am soft hearted, but disbarment in my mind should be reserved for those who have no moral compass, not for those who have merely lost their way.

Using Your Ex's Bad Habits in Divorce Court

Make a list of all of your spouse’s bad habits. Is there gambling? Smoking? Drugs? Liquor? Some amusements, like strip clubs and porn, can eat up the biggest paycheck. Keep your ears open. Friends, relatives, and even your children may spill the beans about your ex. You have to be alert, but be careful of letting yourself go with this. Don’t sink to the level of the dirt you’re searching for. Don’t grill the kids about daddy, and don’t shatter good friendships, or alienate those who truly love you. If your kids innocently mention something worthwhile, make a record of it. If a friend volunteers information, or if you want to ask for it in an honest manner, get everything you can. But hold on to your own integrity. Don’t deceive.
As you gather your information, weave all of your spouse’s bad behaviors into your motions. Expose everything in a way that shows the necessary connections. But also, don’t go overboard here either: If he is paying his support and you are primarily fighting about assets, do not tell the judge he goes to go-go bars!
There is no reason to intentionally hurt your spouse. You need only prove the points necessary to your case. If he is not paying his support then the judge needs to know what he is doing with his money. If he is getting more than his fair share of assets the judge needs a clear picture of what assets you each have, and who has what claims.
Always remember that what you put out in public can always come back at you. If you are going to use your divorce as a tool to get even only heartache can come to you. What goes around comes around.

Paris and the Hilton Conglomerate

My wonderful husband treated me to my all time favorite birthday experience last week consisting of dinner and the theater in New York City. The play was terrific and I recommend the Pirate Queen to anyone interested in history and music. The food was Russian and annually appeases my desire for Caviar and Vodka as we revisit our great Russian adventure.

After dinner we walked to the theater which I had not realized was the Hilton Theater. As we entered the theater, there was a mural displaying the history and life of multi-billionaire Conrad Hilton. As I began to mutter inappropriate comments under my breath about asking for our money back and not wanting to contribute to Paris's trust fund, my husband tried to shush me but the vodka was working overtime.

We had just finished a very colorful conversation concerning a press conference I had seen staring the sheriff of LA County who felt the need to explain his actions in releasing Paris due to her "low level" crime and because of her tender mental state. The term "low level" crime was what had incensed me beyond all reason. Would this sheriff had considered her crime "low level" if she had hit or killed someone while under the influence of the drug of the day or the alcohol she so likes to consume? What if the victim was a member of the Sheriff's own family? Would Paris still be considered a "low level" offender?? Especially since she was already on probation for being stopped twice before??

Perhaps we are to feel sorry for her because she is still so dependant upon her Mommy as she calls her from the well of the court to help her get out of this latest mess? Sorry, I don't feel bad or "mommy" or child. This "child" is 26 years old and certainly should be able to take responsibility for her own actions. If in fact she can't however, why doesn't "Mommy" cut off her income flow. We know she doesn't work, so she must get her money from some sort of trust fund. Is there no other adult monitoring this income source??? Perhaps there should be.

As the mother of four children, one who is of driving age, I am very cognizant of the dangers of being behind the wheel of a vehicle. This is a matter to be taken seriously and I am forever cautioning my son about driving safety. Where was Paris's "Mommy" when these lessons were supposed to be given out? What consequences was set for Paris when she disobeyed the rules?? Perhaps the spigot of liquid funds need to be shut off for a while. Finding God and reading the Bible and the Secret, barely make up for the faulty judgment she has shown when she is let out in the world to mingle among the rest of us. What about giving Paris some community service in addition to jail time? What about boycotting the Hilton conglomerate to hit Paris where it hurts? A good idea? Probably not......

Paris and the Hilton Conglomerate

My wonderful husband treated me to my all time favorite birthday experience last week consisting of dinner and the theater in New York City. The play was terrific and I recommend the Pirate Queen to anyone interested in history and music. The food was Russian and annually appeases my desire for Caviar and Vodka as we revisit our great Russian adventure.

After dinner we walked to the theater which I had not realized was the Hilton Theater. As we entered the theater, there was a mural displaying the history and life of multi-billionaire Conrad Hilton. As I began to mutter inappropriate comments under my breath about asking for our money back and not wanting to contribute to Paris's trust fund, my husband tried to shush me but the vodka was working overtime.

We had just finished a very colorful conversation concerning a press conference I had seen staring the sheriff of LA County who felt the need to explain his actions in releasing Paris due to her "low level" crime and because of her tender mental state. The term "low level" crime was what had incensed me beyond all reason. Would this sheriff had considered her crime "low level" if she had hit or killed someone while under the influence of the drug of the day or the alcohol she so likes to consume? What if the victim was a member of the Sheriff's own family? Would Paris still be considered a "low level" offender?? Especially since she was already on probation for being stopped twice before??

Perhaps we are to feel sorry for her because she is still so dependant upon her Mommy as she calls her from the well of the court to help her get out of this latest mess? Sorry, I don't feel bad or "mommy" or child. This "child" is 26 years old and certainly should be able to take responsibility for her own actions. If in fact she can't however, why doesn't "Mommy" cut off her income flow. We know she doesn't work, so she must get her money from some sort of trust fund. Is there no other adult monitoring this income source??? Perhaps there should be.

As the mother of four children, one who is of driving age, I am very cognizant of the dangers of being behind the wheel of a vehicle. This is a matter to be taken seriously and I am forever cautioning my son about driving safety. Where was Paris's "Mommy" when these lessons were supposed to be given out? What consequences was set for Paris when she disobeyed the rules?? Perhaps the spigot of liquid funds need to be shut off for a while. Finding God and reading the Bible and the Secret, barely make up for the faulty judgment she has shown when she is let out in the world to mingle among the rest of us. What about giving Paris some community service in addition to jail time? What about boycotting the Hilton conglomerate to hit Paris where it hurts? A good idea? Probably not......

Recovering Financially After Divorce

Your financial situation after a divorce depends on these factors: support and settlement payments, job status, business opportunities, time, assets, and the financial needs of you and your family. Traditionally, stay-at-home moms have had the most difficult transition after a divorce. Usually the stay-at-home mom suddenly has to find work. Most likely you did have a job before you had kids, and your first thought might be to go back to your old workplace and see what’s available.

Then you often come up against the ladder model. This is the way many businesses operate. You climb up one rung at a time, but if you get off the ladder you land at the bottom again. When a woman quits her job, and goes home to raise the kids, she loses her place in the business world. She not only misses out on promotions; she often won't even be able to walk back into the job she left. She’s gotten off the ladder. This doesn’t mean things are hopeless, but many stay-at-home moms have a lot of catching up to do, and there is no way to entirely escape the effects of lost time.

Here are three easy ways to get back on track:

1. Assess your skills. What have you learned in your years in the home? Is there any part of being a housewife and mother that you’re particularly good at? Something people pay for? Something you like? Or was there any particular thing you were good at back when you worked? Something you could develop now, and quickly develop into a service with a market? It’s important that it be something you like. I don’t believe you can be happy working full-time at a job you hate.

Make a list of all of the things you enjoy doing. Might there be a job in a field that could harness your natural talents and pay you a decent salary? For example, let’s say that you love to plan parties. Could you get a job in a party planning company? A catering hall? How about working in a hotel as an event planner? Do you love kids? How about running a daycare center out of your home? That way you do not have to pay a sitter. (Though be careful of the daycare option; it’s an idea that occurs to so many single mothers, and the field is often crowded. Before you get a license make sure you have customers.)

I could give you example after example here but the point is to find something you enjoy and find a way to incorporate that into your work. If you are marketing your skills, remember to be businesslike about it. This applies to appearance, courtesy, and confidence, but it also means watching the bottom line. Always look at what you are spending, what you are getting for it, and how much profit you’re making.

2. Assess your education. Do you already have a college degree or some other training? Can you go back to school to learn a trade? There are many short-term courses out there that can have you earning money in no time. A typical realtor’s course is only a few weeks of full-time attendance. A hair stylist can get a license in most states in nine months of full-time schooling, and it’s a job where you can make terrific money. I used to own a hair salon and the stylists made much more money than I did! Most hairdressers get high commissions and make a lot in tips. For the most part they set their own hours.

Check into other programs that can get you certified in a short time. Schools offer refresher courses in many skills. When my ex complained that he had been out of the computer field for too long and couldn’t find work, I called the school where he had learned his skills years earlier—the Chubb Institute. They offered free refresher courses and job placement. See if you qualify for such a program. We never know until we ask. But most importantly, pick something you have an interest in and that you will do well.

3. Think about starting your own business. Many businesses can be started on little or no money. In the past I have sold children’s clothing on eBay, and the eBay business model works for a lot of services. In many cities people offer to clean out garages and attics, selling the contents on eBay, and splitting the profits 50/50 with the owner. I found a huge demand for used children’s clothing. Most of us throw our kids’ clothing into those donation bins. You can sell those clothes on eBay and make money. All you need is a computer and a digital camera. Ask friends who are discarding their hand-me-downs to give them to you instead.

This also applies to antiques, collectibles, and other valuables. People have so many things they would love to get rid of but they don’t have the time. There are other options. Many women have begun cleaning homes or businesses, and soon find themselves employing others to do the actual cleaning, while they price jobs, do the hiring, and inspect the work. Of course there are countless small business ideas that you can do right from your home. Be creative. If it seems sensible, team up with a friend or partner. Owning your own business can be fun, profitable, and boost your self-esteem. It can also get you tax breaks, freedom from bosses, and it may even make you rich.

9 Tips to Easier Single Parenting

The reality is being a single mom or dad is a tough job. Trying to juggle the roles of two parents each day can be exhausting, frustrating and overwhelming.

Getting organized is one way to minimize the amount of work and run a more streamlined, calmer household. Try some of the tips listed below and before you know it you will be less stressed, more focused and able to spend more quality time with your kids!

• Time your phone calls. How many times have you spent hours chatting on the phone, only to hang up and realize that you don’t have time to do what you wanted to do? Set a timer by the phone. When it rings, politely tell the caller that you must hang up. You feel more in control and have more time to accomplish your goals.

• Clean out your kids’ book bags once a week. Take school notices and put them in a folder. At that moment go through the folder and throw out anything that does not need to be answered. Take action on all the other letters and write those checks to the PTA and book club now before you forget!

• Set your kids' clothes out every night for school the next day.If you have very young children you can save time by dressing them in their school clothes after the evening bath and letting them sleep in them. The clothes will be clean, although maybe a little wrinkled, and you can head out the door that much faster.

• Review your schedule every morning and evening. Make modifications for things that may come up unexpectedly.

• Schedule a specific time to answer your email.

• Clean your house and do laundry every day, instead of once a week. It is much easier to throw a load of laundry in while watching TV in the evening than to be overwhelmed with tons of it on the weekend. Assign a cleaning task each day, such as: Monday, bathrooms, Tuesday, vacuum, Thursday, kitchen, etc. By breaking down the big tasks you will be less overwhelmed and your house will be a lot cleaner!

Give those kids some chores! Even a young child can help fold laundry and clear the dinner dishes from the table. Have your family help out; after all they live there too!

•Be ruthless with your time! Try scheduling one hour a day for focus time: your time to decide on what is important to you.

•And remember to reward yourself. It can be anything, big or small, that refreshes you and that you enjoy.

Peyton Manning Getting Divorced?

Here in the Circle City (Indianapolis) there have been a few rumblings & grumblings in the last few years -- although they are usually quickly & quietly squashed -- regarding the possible divorce/separation between Peyton Manning & his wife, Ashley Manning. Well, it now appears that there may be some legitimacy to those rumors. I've actually heard this one from several people within the last month. Apparently Peyton recently informed one of his local endorsers in Indy that Ashley will no longer be making appearances with him at their promotional & charity events. Another tidbit of interest is that Peyton bought her a house in Tennessee a while ago, and that she basically lives there year-round. From my perspective, if it's true, do you blame her? I mean, that guy is either at the Colts complex, in his basement watching game films, making appearances, or shooting commercials. The wifey needs more attention than the annual Pro Bowl trip to Hawaii in February and another week long vacation out of the country each off season. It would be such a shame if Peyton failed to learn the balance of work and home life, especially growing up in a household where his father was Archie freaking Manning. Additionally, he has of all coaches, Tony Dungy, as his head coach. This is the same coach who drops his young kids off to school in the mornings before heading to the Colts complex; the same coach who is the most anti-Dick Vermeil/Jon Gruden NFL head coach in the league right now.

Peyton knows how to beat a Cover-2 (sometimes) but can't seem to grasp the ability to manage co-habitation with his college sweetheart? I hope it's not true, but if it is, I can't wait to see Peyton hitting the town, trying to find the next Mrs. Manning. Sounds like a freakin reality show for ESPN. Can you imagine his profile on match.com? We already know how he would describe himself (see Sprint commercial with fake mustache); but what qualities would the girl of his dreams possess? I'll give it a shot: seeking female, age 25-32 & willing to reproduce (prime time age to pop out the babies & recover quickly enough to pop out another one), must appreciate lonely days & nights without my company (unless I need you to pop me some popcorn while I'm in my dungeon watching game films), must truly appreciate the slow paced lifestyle of a Midwest city (Indianapolis is not LA or Miami the last time I checked), is OK being the wife of one of the most recognized & highest compensated athletes in the country, willing to be pleasant to adoring (although sometimes annoying) fans, enjoys "smiling for the cameras" at public appearances & charity events, must be willing to give "exclusive" interviews to a certain local Indianapolis TV sports reporter with the initials AC (AC's the real deal--no disrespect), willing to hang out on Kenny Chesney's tour bus for one week per year, must love red meat & Bud Light, must be a registered Republican, and must be considered "hot" by over 90% of males polled based on your profile picture (full body shot required (video is a bonus)--we need to know what's going on below that head shot, sweetie). I'm sure there are plenty of women out there that fit that profile.

As a Colts fan, my biggest concern is the mental & emotional impact this divorce/separation would take on Peyton. The backup QB here is Sorgi. Jim Sorgi. Nuff said. Hopefully this is once again just another rumor going on around town, but if not, it would make for an interesting year.

BIRDS SEPARATE TOO

Out in the garden the birds are fleeing their nests. Unfortunately one young mistlethrush decided to take advantage of the sunshine and lie down in the middle of the drive in total view of every passing cat and crow. Outdoor Man intervened and had me digging up worms to feed it, before attempting to chase it into the undergrowth and safety. What had happened to the parents that to date have been fastidious in perching in the nearby oak tree and frightening away every passing threat? We spotted only the male later. It prompted me to speculate that a life changing event had occured and the young had been left to fend for themselves whilst the only remaining parent had gone off to scavenge for food or to take a well earned rest. Nature can be cruel too.

Maybe Next Time He'll Think Before He Cheats.....

I am sure you have heard the Carrie Underwood song of the same name by
now. Most of us who have been cheated on have probably fantasized about keying our ex's car or inflicting some of the damage Carrie sings about in her hit song. As difficult as it may be, you must control your emotions.
The type of out of control behavior depicted in the song will only end you up in jail with a retraining order issued against you.

So what can we do to move through the pain and anguish of being betrayed by our spouse? Do spouses who cheat care? Do they harden themselves so that they can ignore the pain they’re causing? If they could feel the actual pain they are causing would it change them? Would they care then?

Most of us who have been the victims of adultery have been forced to ponder these questions. We look at spouses who we lovingly trusted, people with whom we’ve had children, and we see them walking away, blind to the tears, and deaf to the sobs of others. It is as if they have found a way to separate themselves from all that led up to now, and cut themselves off from the past.

As we ponder, we ask why? A woman asks: Was I not good enough? A man might ask: Was I not caring enough? Either might want to know: Did I keep up my end? Was I supportive enough? We blame ourselves, and examine every small detail. Like detectives we search for clues, leads, and turning points. We ask the questions of a spouse who is no longer there, and in the end we are left right back where we started: Why? Why would

There are no easy answers, but there are guilty feelings that can and should be dealt with. First, remember: you did nothing to make your spouse stray. This was their choice, freely made. There is always a moment (or moments) when a responsible person can say: No. The responsibility is theirs, and for those of us they abandoned the question is not: Why did my marriage break up? Instead we begin with: Did a perfectly loyal, loving spouse really suddenly turn into a cheater? It’s likely that the answer is: No. Which leads us to the question: Are there signs that we ignored?

I searched my soul, and my memory, and found that the answer was: Yes. The indications were there, and I ignored them. I had evidence that my husband was not the wonderful, trusting man I had made him out to be. I put on my rose-colored glasses, and saw him only through those lenses, filtering out anything that might threaten my family and me.

After the marriage is over, it’s often a good idea to look back and learn. This shouldn't be the kind of thinking that only leads to you torturing yourself. If you’re still at that stage, don’t dwell on the past. Only do this when you are far enough past the shock and the wreckage that you can think of it as an object lesson, and want to avoid the same traps next time.

Feeling lonely after divorce? Get a dog!

After my divorce was final, I found myself finally dealing with my feelings about the divorce. During the divorce I was consumed with court dates and legal issues and did not have time to mourn the death of my marriage or deal with the many emotions divorce stirs up.
Working through all of the different emotions and feelings of loss,betrayal, anger and disbelief took many months. One emotion I was surprised to feel was loneliness.

At first I thought that it meant it was time to go out and try and meet someone new. Then I realized that what I really craved was not a boyfriend, but attention, love and friendship.
That was when I decided to get a puppy. After all, puppies give you unconditional love. They are thrilled to see you even if you have only been gone for an hour and they are loyal, cuddly friends that will never betray you. Sine my youngest child was 7 years old at the time, I also had the urge to "baby" and take care of someone helpless again.

I adopted Luigi a 3 month old Maltese, 5 months after my divorce was settled. Luigi is a wonderful, loving, loyal little guy who has brought me an enormous amount of joy. He is truly my "best friend". He is there for me in good times and bad and I can count on his love and devotion.

If you are going through a divorce and feel a sense of sadness and loneliness,you need to work through these emotions. Meeting someone and getting serious too soon can be a mistake. If what you really crave is love and attention,think about adopting a pet. Ironically once you feel loved and needed again, you will naturally attract someone into your life will respect and honor you.

Five Tips on Working Successfully with Your Divorce Attorney

Divorce lawyers are expensive. You need to be proactive and know what is going on with your case at all times. Do not be afraid to ask your attorney questions. Too often we will sit back and assume that our attorney will do what's right and we put trust in someone who may or may not have our best interests at heart. There are reputable divorce lawyers out there, but you first need to weed out the money hungry ones who will take your retainer, file useless paperwork and drain your bank account before you even get a court date. Do not pick your attorney in haste. Go to your local family court and find out which divorce attorney has the best reputation in town and hire him or her.

Once you have hired your new divorce attorney, here are some simple rules to follow:

1. Beware of an attorney who takes a smaller retainer but does not file motions. Some spouses wait for months on end to get court orders for spousal and child support because their attorneys did not file the necessary motions.

2. Remember that when you speak to your attorney on the phone you are being charged per minute. Don’t make the mistake of chatting on and on. Get to the point and use a timer. If it is a routine question, such as the date of a hearing, speak with the support staff rather than the attorney. Time for support staff is often not billed, and if it is the fee is at a much lower rate than an attorney.

3. Follow your attorney’s advice to the letter. These people go to law school; they should know what they are doing. Making stupid mistakes, like calling your spouse repeatedly, picking fights, and not protecting yourself, can lead to bills, violence, and restraining orders. You should limit all contact with your spouse. Only discuss your children and any business you may have together. Let the lawyers do the talking for you whenever possible. That’s what they are paid for.

4. Follow the law. The most important thing you can have is self-control. There will be times when you want to act out, call your spouse names, or be vengeful. These actions can only land you in hot water. Taking your spouse’s credit card on a shopping spree can give you legal troubles you simply do not need.

5. You have hired an attorney to protect you legally. That attorney is also a huge expense and you want to keep track of what you are being charged. Keep a log of every meeting, phone call, and their durations. Also it is a good idea to record in a journal any incidents with your spouse, so that it will be easier to recall the details in court later on.

Most of all, know that although this is one of the most painful times of your life, you will survive. Finding the right attorney will give you confidence in your case. Your attorney is working for you and together you can plan for and obtain the best possible outcome.

Helping your Children Through Your Divorce

Dealing with a divorce is difficult for everyone, including the kids. It is a life altering event that can take a toll emotionally and physically . This is especially true for children. Children need additional support during this tough time. They need to know and understand that it is not their fault and that both parents still love them very much.

You and your soon to be ex are going to have to work hard at putting aside your anger and hard feelings toward each other. If the both of you can sit down and make arrangements for the children, it will be much easier, less painful and less expensive than having to go into court and having the court decide custody arrangements for you.

You should not keep the divorce a secret from the children. You need to explain to them what a divorce is and what is going to happen. Try to give them some notice and time to adjust before you or your spouse moves out of the martial home. This way the children can have time to deal with it and ask questions. Reassure the children that both parents are still going to be there for them and that the divorce is in no way their fault.

When you talk to your kids about the divorce, do not blame your spouse or badmouth him. It is important that the children know that they still have two dependable and trustworthy parents that love them and will be there to take care of them. Be truthful, but spare the details about the divorce.

Often children will secretly hope that their parents are going to get back together. You want to make it clear to them that you are not going to reconcile, but that you hope to remain friends. Tell them that there is nothing that they can do to change the situation. Also make it clear to them where they are going to live and when they will be able to see the other parent. If your spouse has a new apartment or house, make sure he takes the kids to visit it. This will make it less traumatic for them when they spend their first overnight visit there. Providing the kids with a sense of security is crucial. Give them the opportunity to ask you any questions that they may have.

Giving the child the right information but not too much information is important. You want to minimize their worry and anxiety. Despite your best efforts, expect that your children will go through some rough patches during the divorce. This is a major upheaval in their lives. Children do not like change and it will take time for them to accept this new way of life.

Summertime Writing and the Practice of Law

Every summer it seems to get harder and harder to put on the "uniform" as I prepare for my day in court. Lately I feel that each appearance is an episode in the novel "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil." The judges seem to be operating on the assumption that if they change their position enough times on any given case that the parties will grow tired of the ping pong game and not want to risk a potentially disastrous outcome; thereby of course opting to settle the case on their own.....without judicial assistance. Nice is you can sell it to the client, not so nice if the client believes it is attorney incompetence prompting the change in judicial outlook.

As I have said many times in this blog and whenever anyone will listen once parties allow the judicial system into their lives they lose control over everything. From the way they raise their kids to the way they handle paying bills. Under such intense scrutiny Ozzie and Harriet(not Ozzie and Sharon!) would be deemed unfit parents by the forensic experts(most of which by the way are childless in my experience)who will claim they have damaged their young. Thousands of dollars on attorneys representing the child who will also have a view of their fitness as parents.

If I could impose mandatory mediation as a first step to all couples seeking a divorce I would. Yes, it would certainly cut down on the legal fees paid to me, but I believe if parties could work out these issues....and they usually can...and do eventually...I believe they would be better off.

Oh, I am off track here...I was talking about wearing stockings in the summer....perhaps I can get away without the stockings, but much to my chagrin I noticed a black robed one eyeing my sandals and very well manicured feet and caught only a feeling that perhaps "he" felt it was unprofessional attire. So I bought new pumps and will powder my feet generously as I venture forth to fight the good fight...3 cases on this week...birthday week...Not a milestone but really too damn close for comfort.

Summertime Writing and the Practice of Law

Every summer it seems to get harder and harder to put on the "uniform" as I prepare for my day in court. Lately I feel that each appearance is an episode in the novel "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil." The judges seem to be operating on the assumption that if they change their position enough times on any given case that the parties will grow tired of the ping pong game and not want to risk a potentially disastrous outcome; thereby of course opting to settle the case on their own.....without judicial assistance. Nice is you can sell it to the client, not so nice if the client believes it is attorney incompetence prompting the change in judicial outlook.

As I have said many times in this blog and whenever anyone will listen once parties allow the judicial system into their lives they lose control over everything. From the way they raise their kids to the way they handle paying bills. Under such intense scrutiny Ozzie and Harriet(not Ozzie and Sharon!) would be deemed unfit parents by the forensic experts(most of which by the way are childless in my experience)who will claim they have damaged their young. Thousands of dollars on attorneys representing the child who will also have a view of their fitness as parents.

If I could impose mandatory mediation as a first step to all couples seeking a divorce I would. Yes, it would certainly cut down on the legal fees paid to me, but I believe if parties could work out these issues....and they usually can...and do eventually...I believe they would be better off.

Oh, I am off track here...I was talking about wearing stockings in the summer....perhaps I can get away without the stockings, but much to my chagrin I noticed a black robed one eyeing my sandals and very well manicured feet and caught only a feeling that perhaps "he" felt it was unprofessional attire. So I bought new pumps and will powder my feet generously as I venture forth to fight the good fight...3 cases on this week...birthday week...Not a milestone but really too damn close for comfort.

How To Protect Yourself In Divorce Court


I recently met a woman who has been divorced for about the same amount of time I have-about 2 years. She was telling me a story about how she recently took her ex-husband back to court to increase his child support obligation for their four children.

What she told me next was shocking and disturbing.Even though her ex was making more money than when their divorce was finalized,his support was actually LOWERED by the judge! She is now expected to support four kids on only $203 dollars a week.

How did this happen? Well, first of all,she filed a motion on her own ,without a lawyer's help,to modify the support order. That is fine, and you can do that, but you must first prepare and gather your evidence before bringing your spouse to court. Although her ex was ordered to show proof of his income, he never supplied the court with his tax returns and the judge recalculated the child support based on his income from 2 years ago.

Was this fair? No. But the family court system rarely is.Since the judge reviewed her case without requiring her and her ex to be present, he probably spent about 5 minutes glancing over the paperwork and made a decision based on misinformation that is financially hurting the children.

Whether you are thinking about divorce, in the middle of a divorce battle right now or already divorced, you need to realize that the family court system cannot be trusted to protect your rights in your divorce.

You must be proactive. Do not assume the judge will do the "right thing".The system just does not work that way. It is overcrowded and filled with some money hungry divorce lawyers ready to pounce and take every penny they can from both you and your spouse.

Now I am not saying that all divorce lawyers are unethical or that all Family Court Judges do not care,but my divorce cost me $40,000 and a year and half stuck in the family court system.

Protect yourself and your finances. Don't go to court unprepared or rely completely on your divorce attorney. Gather your own evidence to bring into court. Make sure to have copies of all important documents and proof of all assets owned.

If you would like a step-by-step plan to save thousands on attorney fees, protect yourself financially and maintain your current lifestyle, go to:

http://www.secretsofdivorce.com/ and receive a free chapter of the best selling divorce book,
Seven Secrets to a Successful Divorce-what every woman needs to know