Equitable Distribution: Re: The Sperm and The Egg
The next dilemma


A client of mine recently told me that his soon to be ex wife asked him to deposit some of his sperm in a bank for future use as part of their divorce settlement. My client asked me my views on the matter. After I got up off the floor, I realized that my client was serious and proceeded to inform him of all the legal responsibilities he would have as well as the obvious moral ones in being the biological father of a brought into this world. Though this was the first time I had encountered such an issue, I can certainly see this as something which may come up more and more. Couples get married later, they leave childbearing for later, and if the marriage doesn't work out, they are left older and still childless. This type of request may not be as far fetched as I at first imagined. In my client's case, he said his wife wasn't interested in child support and didn't want him to have any parental involvement with the child, however, we all know that firstly, one can change their mind about such things and secondly, the courts have repeatedly held that child support is always an open issue as is visitation. There is no such thing as a permanent waiver of these two issues in the justice system.
Why not a sperm bank? I asked my client? He indicated that his wife liked his physical attributes. Why would this issue be gender neutral however? With the likely advances in science a woman's eggs may also be up for grabs in this world of reproductive equitable distribution. As a matrimonial attorney there are certain areas I tend to stay clear of. One such area is custody and visitation of pets. I for one refuse to address that issue in any agreement. I think the issue of reproductive freedom is of greater importance to me than trying to negotiate future parenthood. Especially when their are other ways in which parenthood can be obtained other than "blackmail" or "negotiation,"

Equitable Distribution: Re: The Sperm and The Egg
The next dilemma


A client of mine recently told me that his soon to be ex wife asked him to deposit some of his sperm in a bank for future use as part of their divorce settlement. My client asked me my views on the matter. After I got up off the floor, I realized that my client was serious and proceeded to inform him of all the legal responsibilities he would have as well as the obvious moral ones in being the biological father of a brought into this world. Though this was the first time I had encountered such an issue, I can certainly see this as something which may come up more and more. Couples get married later, they leave childbearing for later, and if the marriage doesn't work out, they are left older and still childless. This type of request may not be as far fetched as I at first imagined. In my client's case, he said his wife wasn't interested in child support and didn't want him to have any parental involvement with the child, however, we all know that firstly, one can change their mind about such things and secondly, the courts have repeatedly held that child support is always an open issue as is visitation. There is no such thing as a permanent waiver of these two issues in the justice system.
Why not a sperm bank? I asked my client? He indicated that his wife liked his physical attributes. Why would this issue be gender neutral however? With the likely advances in science a woman's eggs may also be up for grabs in this world of reproductive equitable distribution. As a matrimonial attorney there are certain areas I tend to stay clear of. One such area is custody and visitation of pets. I for one refuse to address that issue in any agreement. I think the issue of reproductive freedom is of greater importance to me than trying to negotiate future parenthood. Especially when their are other ways in which parenthood can be obtained other than "blackmail" or "negotiation,"

Musical Judges

It is that time of year when the judicial system plays what I call Musical Judges in our Supreme Court part. Judges are yearly rotated in and out of the matrimonial part sometimes giving new life to old stagnant cases. New blood is sometimes a good thing and this year I have mixed feelings with regard to the comings and goings. I am thrilled that an old favorite of mine is making his way back to the matrimonial part. A controversial figure and sometimes temperamental; my all time favorite on the bench has not always done everything I would have wanted him to do. In fact I feel I lost quite a bit of money once in a decision regarding a legal fee. However, his independence of mind and desire to do the right thing though not always the politically correct thing, makes him my first choice in the stickiest cases. Always looking to the best interests of the children in the cases where no one else would stick out his neck. My favorite judge saved a house full of kids and my stay at home client from being tossed into the street literally by staying her foreclosure auction 3 days before a sale. He allowed my client 60 days to try to sell the house and retain whatever equity she could, which frankly was quite a bit. She was able to pay off the mortgage and start a new life for herself and her children in another state. Three attorneys laughed at my "naivete" when I told them I was requesting a stay of the auction and that I was requesting oral argument on the matter. The judge stunned us all by granting my petition and proceeded to listened intently giving us a speedy decision within a few hours. New blood also joins us in the matrimonial part this year. I look forward to the change and the return of a member of judiciary I sorely missed.

Musical Judges

It is that time of year when the judicial system plays what I call Musical Judges in our Supreme Court part. Judges are yearly rotated in and out of the matrimonial part sometimes giving new life to old stagnant cases. New blood is sometimes a good thing and this year I have mixed feelings with regard to the comings and goings. I am thrilled that an old favorite of mine is making his way back to the matrimonial part. A controversial figure and sometimes temperamental; my all time favorite on the bench has not always done everything I would have wanted him to do. In fact I feel I lost quite a bit of money once in a decision regarding a legal fee. However, his independence of mind and desire to do the right thing though not always the politically correct thing, makes him my first choice in the stickiest cases. Always looking to the best interests of the children in the cases where no one else would stick out his neck. My favorite judge saved a house full of kids and my stay at home client from being tossed into the street literally by staying her foreclosure auction 3 days before a sale. He allowed my client 60 days to try to sell the house and retain whatever equity she could, which frankly was quite a bit. She was able to pay off the mortgage and start a new life for herself and her children in another state. Three attorneys laughed at my "naivete" when I told them I was requesting a stay of the auction and that I was requesting oral argument on the matter. The judge stunned us all by granting my petition and proceeded to listened intently giving us a speedy decision within a few hours. New blood also joins us in the matrimonial part this year. I look forward to the change and the return of a member of judiciary I sorely missed.

Dr. Phil and Family Court

Recently on the Dr. Phil show my son and I have been engrossed in the saga about an allegedly abused child named Kaylee. My son, the only one of my offspring not entirely turned off by the legal profession is passionate about the program. While I genuinely love Dr. Phil's no nonsense approach to the psycho dramas he presents on a daily basis, it concerns me that he is as clueless as the rest of lay society about the justice system. Dr. Phil made statements about child protective services being an agency he holds in high regard and seems to value the purported unbiased views of the black robed individuals who dispense justice; sometimes.
Dr. Phil needs a real life reality check and should meander down to the local family court, just about anywhere should do and surround himself in the justice as it is dispensed from the bench. I bet it would be a real eye opener. Who knows whether an issue of abuse exists in the case on his show. Certainly there is some physical evidence I find hard to ignore, however a judge and multitude of CPS workers have poo,pooed it as meaningless. The father continues to enjoy unfettered access to the child and has no supervision during his visits. As a mother myself I find this as disturbing as Dr. Phil. On yesterdays show however, he seemed to question the mother's activist type behavior in protesting what she feels is the judiciary's refusal to give any credence to the physical evidence. Sometimes, Dr. Phil exposure is the only way to keep everyone honest. If the public presses the judiciary and local law enforcement to error on the side of caution where theses allegations arise perhaps there would be less child abuse. Of course the otherside of the coin can be just as compelling in that I have represented numerous litigants who have been falsely accused with very little to no evidence and kept from their children for extensive periods of time.
Where am I going with this? I would like to take Dr. Phil on a field trip through the legal system and get his take on how to better dispense justice. I bet Dr. Phil will be pretty disgusted with what he sees and will be glad he chose medical school over law school. Too bad the sight of blood makes me faint......

Dr. Phil and Family Court

Recently on the Dr. Phil show my son and I have been engrossed in the saga about an allegedly abused child named Kaylee. My son, the only one of my offspring not entirely turned off by the legal profession is passionate about the program. While I genuinely love Dr. Phil's no nonsense approach to the psycho dramas he presents on a daily basis, it concerns me that he is as clueless as the rest of lay society about the justice system. Dr. Phil made statements about child protective services being an agency he holds in high regard and seems to value the purported unbiased views of the black robed individuals who dispense justice; sometimes.
Dr. Phil needs a real life reality check and should meander down to the local family court, just about anywhere should do and surround himself in the justice as it is dispensed from the bench. I bet it would be a real eye opener. Who knows whether an issue of abuse exists in the case on his show. Certainly there is some physical evidence I find hard to ignore, however a judge and multitude of CPS workers have poo,pooed it as meaningless. The father continues to enjoy unfettered access to the child and has no supervision during his visits. As a mother myself I find this as disturbing as Dr. Phil. On yesterdays show however, he seemed to question the mother's activist type behavior in protesting what she feels is the judiciary's refusal to give any credence to the physical evidence. Sometimes, Dr. Phil exposure is the only way to keep everyone honest. If the public presses the judiciary and local law enforcement to error on the side of caution where theses allegations arise perhaps there would be less child abuse. Of course the otherside of the coin can be just as compelling in that I have represented numerous litigants who have been falsely accused with very little to no evidence and kept from their children for extensive periods of time.
Where am I going with this? I would like to take Dr. Phil on a field trip through the legal system and get his take on how to better dispense justice. I bet Dr. Phil will be pretty disgusted with what he sees and will be glad he chose medical school over law school. Too bad the sight of blood makes me faint......

The Key to Winning in Divorce Court

The rule to remember is: Anticipate and prepare. Think about what your opponent (your spouse) wants, and what he or she will do to get it. Consider their possible defenses and offenses, and then do your homework. Find information to counter what they have to say. Look on the Internet, go to the library, and find magazines and books. When you fight back you need to always back yourself up with proof. Anybody can say anything, but having facts in print is imperative.All of this must be in the context of the law, and the law can be a brutal thing. The first time you enter a court you may feel overwhelmed. The judge’s rulings may seem unfair to the point of being ridiculous. Here is an example: your ex isn’t paying any child support and you receive a shutoff notice for the electricity in midwinter. You don’t have a court date for another three weeks. Your attorney informs you that you must wait until your court date to get any help. Emergency orders are rarely granted. So your electricity can be shut off while you wait for your court date. You wait, hoping they won’t shut it off before the court date. Then, with two days to go, your lawyer calls. Your court date has been postponed! This happens all the time. The calendars of family courts are always overcrowded. You may sit waiting through a whole day, paying your lawyer more with each hour that passes, only to be told that your case has been delayed for two weeks.Your lawyer will know these things, but don’t rely too completely on that. A good lawyer is an expert, but a lawyer is also your representative and your advisor. He or she is there to convey your case to the court. To do the job well a lawyer must know exactly what you are after. But you must have some knowledge of the law as well. Only then can you ask the right questions, and make informed choices when the lawyer presents you with options and decisions. It’s essential for you to learn as much as you can about the family laws in your state. These are the laws governing marriage, children, common assets, and divorce.Every day women suffer travesties of injustice in courtrooms. It is a bruising process. Realize that from the start. Form a thick skin. If you don’t, you will be constantly frustrated and upset. I shed many a tear from frustration as my husband walked away without paying our children a dime. At each juncture I returned to a home where every responsibility was mine. I still thank God I had a family that helped me through those dark days. I often think of the women who do not have such support, and wonder how they manage.Once again, the rule is: Anticipate and prepare. If you realize the road will be a long and hard one, you can anticipate the difficulties, and prepare with the support of your family.
About the Author:Christina Rowe is the author of the new book "Seven Secrets To A Successful Divorce-What Every Woman Needs To Know". Find out the survival skills that will save you time, money and heartache during your divorce.For a FREE chapter of "Seven Secrets to a Successful Divorce" go to http://www.secretsofdivorce.com

Foresic Evaluations
Following the usual slippery slopes in the matrimonial world comes the latest in a family's ultimate destruction called the Forensic Evaluations. These are in-depth evaluations done on behalf of the court giving a recommendation as to the custodial fitness of the various parties, meant to aide the judge in his decision regarding custody of the children.
Using a myriad psychological tools and a series of interviews; the evaluators, usually single, non parents themselves, make recommendations and judgments on individuals going through the worst times of theirs lives and offering a do or die decision on parental ability. I have seen reports that completely ignore a lifetime of caregiving look at a microscopic period of time in a marriage and completely rule in favor of a parent who just learned how to change a diaper.
Giving little to no thought as to the psychological impact of separating the children from the parent that has put their entire life on hold to parent these children in favor of the more recently emerging parent of the day.
I find it an atrocity to the system and to parenthood as a whole that these purported "experts" feel they have such power in the court to give a judgment on which parent is the best parent to raise the children, regardless of the consequences.
Walk in parental shoes, I want to say to these "experts." Handle the day to day parenting and then tell me which parent is the primary provider and which should be. Don't look at the short span surrounding the divorce action, I say, look at the entirety of the marriage. Which parent put their career on hold to stay home and parent these children? Wasn't that a joint decision at the time? Shouldn't therefore that decision play a prime role in your recommendation?? Why is it that the stay at home parent can easily be tossed over to non custodian because he or she has not presented her/his best during the most trying time any person will ever experience. The divorce-time "parents of the year" always fail to impress me, but usually impress the hell out of these clinical forensic evaluators. They are forever impressed with the parent who steps up to the plate during a custody battle to "protect the kids" from the evil stay at home parent who has been in the trenches all these years and at present is fighting to be vindicated and appreciated. Yes, it is so much easier for the working parent to step in with his/her patience still in tact and their mind clear due to the absence of years of formula, diapers and Barney, and can now diplomatic run the household much more efficiently with older children. The emotional and burned out parent deserves recognition for those difficult years not a swift kick out the door as custodial parent. Shame on the system. Shame on those who allow this travesty.

Foresic Evaluations
Following the usual slippery slopes in the matrimonial world comes the latest in a family's ultimate destruction called the Forensic Evaluations. These are in-depth evaluations done on behalf of the court giving a recommendation as to the custodial fitness of the various parties, meant to aide the judge in his decision regarding custody of the children.
Using a myriad psychological tools and a series of interviews; the evaluators, usually single, non parents themselves, make recommendations and judgments on individuals going through the worst times of theirs lives and offering a do or die decision on parental ability. I have seen reports that completely ignore a lifetime of caregiving look at a microscopic period of time in a marriage and completely rule in favor of a parent who just learned how to change a diaper.
Giving little to no thought as to the psychological impact of separating the children from the parent that has put their entire life on hold to parent these children in favor of the more recently emerging parent of the day.
I find it an atrocity to the system and to parenthood as a whole that these purported "experts" feel they have such power in the court to give a judgment on which parent is the best parent to raise the children, regardless of the consequences.
Walk in parental shoes, I want to say to these "experts." Handle the day to day parenting and then tell me which parent is the primary provider and which should be. Don't look at the short span surrounding the divorce action, I say, look at the entirety of the marriage. Which parent put their career on hold to stay home and parent these children? Wasn't that a joint decision at the time? Shouldn't therefore that decision play a prime role in your recommendation?? Why is it that the stay at home parent can easily be tossed over to non custodian because he or she has not presented her/his best during the most trying time any person will ever experience. The divorce-time "parents of the year" always fail to impress me, but usually impress the hell out of these clinical forensic evaluators. They are forever impressed with the parent who steps up to the plate during a custody battle to "protect the kids" from the evil stay at home parent who has been in the trenches all these years and at present is fighting to be vindicated and appreciated. Yes, it is so much easier for the working parent to step in with his/her patience still in tact and their mind clear due to the absence of years of formula, diapers and Barney, and can now diplomatic run the household much more efficiently with older children. The emotional and burned out parent deserves recognition for those difficult years not a swift kick out the door as custodial parent. Shame on the system. Shame on those who allow this travesty.

I Want To Go To Trial

Once again I am subjected to the above mantra said by my mat clients as they express their desire to have a judge hear their story and correct the great injustice done to them by their spouse. My standard response is "how much justice can you afford?" This is meant to wake up the client who has already spent substantial legal fees to pursue this matter must now look at where we stand and decide whether to pay me to pursue their quest or try and come up with a happy medium with the adversary.
As I approach the bench to speak with the judge, he rustles his papers, shakes his head and asks why it is we cannot come to some agreeable terms. This time it is his client, but often it is mine. This poor attorney attempts to come up with ways in which to argue his clients wishes even though his rationale flies in the face of all acceptable law. "Find me some case law which supports your argument counsel.." Says the judge as he tries to give him some more ammunition with which to shoot down his clients objections. Finally I ask for a trial date. We are going no where fast and sometimes we need to actually get to the point where we call the first witnesses for this to settle. Trial prep aside, the colossal waste of time to get to that stage will cause us all a certain amount of anxiety especially as I ask the client to replenish the already empty coffers of his retainer.
ok, I say in my latest phone call to the client. Perhaps you should try to meet with her and work out something you can both live with without either attorney present. No, I don't think we will do poorly on this matter, but it will cost the client almost as much as the proposed settlement. If we can get her to be reasonable maybe it is worth a shot. Sure if you want we can try this..I don't feel we have much to lose here...but you need to be prepared to pay my fee.

I Want To Go To Trial

Once again I am subjected to the above mantra said by my mat clients as they express their desire to have a judge hear their story and correct the great injustice done to them by their spouse. My standard response is "how much justice can you afford?" This is meant to wake up the client who has already spent substantial legal fees to pursue this matter must now look at where we stand and decide whether to pay me to pursue their quest or try and come up with a happy medium with the adversary.
As I approach the bench to speak with the judge, he rustles his papers, shakes his head and asks why it is we cannot come to some agreeable terms. This time it is his client, but often it is mine. This poor attorney attempts to come up with ways in which to argue his clients wishes even though his rationale flies in the face of all acceptable law. "Find me some case law which supports your argument counsel.." Says the judge as he tries to give him some more ammunition with which to shoot down his clients objections. Finally I ask for a trial date. We are going no where fast and sometimes we need to actually get to the point where we call the first witnesses for this to settle. Trial prep aside, the colossal waste of time to get to that stage will cause us all a certain amount of anxiety especially as I ask the client to replenish the already empty coffers of his retainer.
ok, I say in my latest phone call to the client. Perhaps you should try to meet with her and work out something you can both live with without either attorney present. No, I don't think we will do poorly on this matter, but it will cost the client almost as much as the proposed settlement. If we can get her to be reasonable maybe it is worth a shot. Sure if you want we can try this..I don't feel we have much to lose here...but you need to be prepared to pay my fee.

Female Clients and Male Attorneys

I am prepared for all the flack this next blog may generate but I feel very strong about my position. Women should not hire men to represent them in a divorce transaction. Especially women who have children. Why you say? Am I being politically incorrect?? I don't think so. I would NEVER counsel a mother to give up custody of her children. Period. So ifs ands or buts. I as a woman and a mother would never tell another woman or mother that she should take some time for herself, and let him see what it is like to be primary care provider. I would NEVER tell a woman we could always get the custodial care decision reversed at some later date. I NEVER lie to other women. The number of cases I have taken over where the clients were advised by their male attorneys to give up custody of their children is staggering. Once you give up custody, it is extremely difficult to get it back.
Unless you as a mother can be proven unfit, the court always tilts slightly in your favor as the primary care provider. Why in the world would you give that up?

Other women come in and say they want out and will give up everything. Why would you do that either?? Leave with what you are entitled to or as close to it as possible without sacrificing your dignity or your financial health.

When I represent a woman I think about what her children will need and what is in their best interests; because that is how a mother thinks. When I represent men I think very differently. Men love their children as much as women, however, in their minds, if they are happy and financial comfortable, then they will be better able to provide for their children. Therefore when I represent a man, I think of his needs and wants, not that of the children.

As the mother of four children,I often joke with my husband about the giving the children to the other in a divorce case. My husband, however, is well aware that nothing would ever keep me from my children; and in the event we did split up, he might as well move into the shed if he wants daily contact, because they are not moving out of this house.

As a woman and mother, I know what my client needs to maintain her lifestyle and that of her children. I usually always strive to keep the children in the marital residence and truly believe that will all the other changes in their lives, children really need to stay in their own rooms in their own beds. I know what it is like to feed children a special diet of macaroni and cheese and broccoli with ranch dressing so that the mortgage and other necessities can get paid. I know what it is like to go to the dollar store and stock up on snakes and other nominal items to use as rewards for the children for helping to clean the house when you have to let the cleaning lady go after a divorce.

It may have been a long time since I said good-bye to my solid Teak bedroom set and brass candlesticks, but the memory of snuggling with my kids in our new full size bed from Levitz remains as vivid to me as if it were yesterday.

Liberal visitation and even split custodial care can certainly work under the right circumstances. In fact I usually encourage such schedules where the fathers are very involved. This is the ideal win win for the children. Both parents a lot of the time can in fact be very therapeutic for the children of divorce. Give Dad as much time as he wants I always say: if he takes it; that is great for the children; and if he doesn't you are certainly no worse off. Remember childhood is for a very short time...You don't want to miss a minute of it.

Female Clients and Male Attorneys

I am prepared for all the flack this next blog may generate but I feel very strong about my position. Women should not hire men to represent them in a divorce transaction. Especially women who have children. Why you say? Am I being politically incorrect?? I don't think so. I would NEVER counsel a mother to give up custody of her children. Period. So ifs ands or buts. I as a woman and a mother would never tell another woman or mother that she should take some time for herself, and let him see what it is like to be primary care provider. I would NEVER tell a woman we could always get the custodial care decision reversed at some later date. I NEVER lie to other women. The number of cases I have taken over where the clients were advised by their male attorneys to give up custody of their children is staggering. Once you give up custody, it is extremely difficult to get it back.
Unless you as a mother can be proven unfit, the court always tilts slightly in your favor as the primary care provider. Why in the world would you give that up?

Other women come in and say they want out and will give up everything. Why would you do that either?? Leave with what you are entitled to or as close to it as possible without sacrificing your dignity or your financial health.

When I represent a woman I think about what her children will need and what is in their best interests; because that is how a mother thinks. When I represent men I think very differently. Men love their children as much as women, however, in their minds, if they are happy and financial comfortable, then they will be better able to provide for their children. Therefore when I represent a man, I think of his needs and wants, not that of the children.

As the mother of four children,I often joke with my husband about the giving the children to the other in a divorce case. My husband, however, is well aware that nothing would ever keep me from my children; and in the event we did split up, he might as well move into the shed if he wants daily contact, because they are not moving out of this house.

As a woman and mother, I know what my client needs to maintain her lifestyle and that of her children. I usually always strive to keep the children in the marital residence and truly believe that will all the other changes in their lives, children really need to stay in their own rooms in their own beds. I know what it is like to feed children a special diet of macaroni and cheese and broccoli with ranch dressing so that the mortgage and other necessities can get paid. I know what it is like to go to the dollar store and stock up on snakes and other nominal items to use as rewards for the children for helping to clean the house when you have to let the cleaning lady go after a divorce.

It may have been a long time since I said good-bye to my solid Teak bedroom set and brass candlesticks, but the memory of snuggling with my kids in our new full size bed from Levitz remains as vivid to me as if it were yesterday.

Liberal visitation and even split custodial care can certainly work under the right circumstances. In fact I usually encourage such schedules where the fathers are very involved. This is the ideal win win for the children. Both parents a lot of the time can in fact be very therapeutic for the children of divorce. Give Dad as much time as he wants I always say: if he takes it; that is great for the children; and if he doesn't you are certainly no worse off. Remember childhood is for a very short time...You don't want to miss a minute of it.

Justice For Some, Aggravation For All

My office now automatically gives my clients my mantra about one they let the justice system into their lives the outcome is never guaranteed and it usually frustrates all involved. This week I again felt the need to look for another vocation. Opposing counsel of one of my cases, felt the need to acknowledge to me that his client was defying a directive of the court, but that basically my client and I should suck it up and move along. Of course my defiant self contacted the court with great indignation asking for an immediate conference with the judge to discuss this great injustice. After wearily agreeing, they told me to get the other counsel on the line. Opposing counsel, however, was otherwise engaged. "What??" I shouted into the phone, to an unsuspecting secretary. "I gave him the message," she said and proceeded to hang up on me. Still filled with vigor I called the court and was told that the judge was not inclined to jump up and down with outrage and that in just a few short minutes the clock would strike and the part would become vacant and that I should just try to have a nice weekend.

Now, you ask is this unusual? No I answer, it is all too familiar. There are times when a judge will become angry with a situation and fur will fly, but all too often this becomes merely another chore for them and nothing about a particular case, seems all that urgent.

Ok, you say, well what is I am willing to settle doesn't it end all the misery? Not necessarily I say. All parties must be willing to settle or you will need to wait until the judge finally forces a settlement by telling everyone what he is intending to do on a particular case and ends it all. I have had cases where a judge's push did not end it all even where he made it clear what he was going to decide, some attorneys and/or their clients feel they are entitled to their trial. $10,000 later the judge rules the way he indicated and everyone feels exhausted and cheated. No one is ever happy with the outcome or their lawyer and again we have the perpetuation of the lawyer haters and channel 21 advocates against "the system." Ask any attorney if they want the justice system to handle their marital breakup. None of us do, we opt to settle; as quickly and quietly as possible. Sometimes handing over those brass candlesticks at the very beginning can save you $20,000 in legal fees down the line.
Chocolate Martini's anyone??

Justice For Some, Aggravation For All

My office now automatically gives my clients my mantra about one they let the justice system into their lives the outcome is never guaranteed and it usually frustrates all involved. This week I again felt the need to look for another vocation. Opposing counsel of one of my cases, felt the need to acknowledge to me that his client was defying a directive of the court, but that basically my client and I should suck it up and move along. Of course my defiant self contacted the court with great indignation asking for an immediate conference with the judge to discuss this great injustice. After wearily agreeing, they told me to get the other counsel on the line. Opposing counsel, however, was otherwise engaged. "What??" I shouted into the phone, to an unsuspecting secretary. "I gave him the message," she said and proceeded to hang up on me. Still filled with vigor I called the court and was told that the judge was not inclined to jump up and down with outrage and that in just a few short minutes the clock would strike and the part would become vacant and that I should just try to have a nice weekend.

Now, you ask is this unusual? No I answer, it is all too familiar. There are times when a judge will become angry with a situation and fur will fly, but all too often this becomes merely another chore for them and nothing about a particular case, seems all that urgent.

Ok, you say, well what is I am willing to settle doesn't it end all the misery? Not necessarily I say. All parties must be willing to settle or you will need to wait until the judge finally forces a settlement by telling everyone what he is intending to do on a particular case and ends it all. I have had cases where a judge's push did not end it all even where he made it clear what he was going to decide, some attorneys and/or their clients feel they are entitled to their trial. $10,000 later the judge rules the way he indicated and everyone feels exhausted and cheated. No one is ever happy with the outcome or their lawyer and again we have the perpetuation of the lawyer haters and channel 21 advocates against "the system." Ask any attorney if they want the justice system to handle their marital breakup. None of us do, we opt to settle; as quickly and quietly as possible. Sometimes handing over those brass candlesticks at the very beginning can save you $20,000 in legal fees down the line.
Chocolate Martini's anyone??

How to Escape an Abusive Husband
There are many important things you should do if you are an abuse victim preparing to leave your spouse. These include: making copies of important records, papers, and bills; putting these records, some cash, and extra clothes in a safe place or a trusted friend’s house; and leaving when you must. If you can, start your own bank account. Get credit cards in your own name.
If the threat of physical violence is imminent escape with your children as soon as you can.
In such a situation, have an escape plan. Figure out what room in your house is most secure, and has a reasonable exit to the outside. Be prepared to give in to verbal demands in order to buy time. Once you have determined that the moment has come, go immediately. If you see a dangerous situation arising, do whatever you must (short of increasing the physical danger to yourself or your children) to create an opportunity for escape.
Once you are away from the home, go to the nearest shelter, or to the home of someone you trust. Also consider whether your spouse will follow, and if so, where he is likely to look.
Using the Legal System to Escape an Abuser
As I noted above, often a divorce action provokes an abuser. His violence may escalate. Protective or restraining orders can help, but they can also further infuriate the abusive spouse. Law enforcement can’t protect a victim or children around the clock. This is something you should discuss with your attorney.
Remember, when you ask for a protective or restraining order against your spouse, the judge will want as much evidence as possible. Document erratic behavior and any violent actions starting now. You can do this by writing everything down, or keeping a computer file, but be sure it is safe from discovery. Try to recall each detail. Ideally such records should be moved to wherever you are keeping your important papers in case of escape. One way to keep things written down, and retrievable from anywhere, is web based email, such as yahoo or hotmail, as long as you make sure the password is secure, and that you log off whenever you are finished. You can write things and save them as a draft, and there is no risk of losing the hard drive if you have to leave in a hurry. Call others as soon as possible after an incident, and have them keep a record of it. If you have bruises, show them to others, and ask them to make a written note of what they’ve seen. Keep the paperwork on hospital visits. If you have made any 911 calls, get the tapes of them. Your attorney will need as much evidence as possible.
If you are representing yourself in a motion for a restraining order, and you have such proof, let the evidence speak for itself. There is nothing wrong with expressing your fears, but do not say more than you have to against your spouse. If there are witnesses to violence, and/or solid physical evidence (cuts, bruises, broken items), these will be the most convincing factors. Most judges will be impressed more by a victim who simply states the need for protection and then presents compelling evidence. If you have a lawyer, but still have to testify, do so without anger. Present yourself as a victim of deranged behavior, and in need of a sane, sensible solution. Concentrate on the violence of the abuse, rather than on the abuser.
Judges seek to be referees in divorce disputes, not favoring either side. A judge will often resent being manipulated into issuing a restraining order early in the proceedings, especially if the victim later uses it as evidence in the divorce trial. Show that your concerns are only for the safety of yourself and those around you. Demonstrate that the order will be a useful tool in cooling things down and producing a just settlement.
Another issue that will concern a judge is the children. Judges are prone to try to sustain contact between parents and children. If your children are subject to abuse, then any protective or restraining order should apply to them. If the abuse is not aimed at them, and you intend to allow your spouse any contact with the children, discuss this with your lawyer. Often a restraining order can be limited in a way that is designed to defuse the anger of the abuser.
There are also other options to protective and restraining orders. In most states, a party in a divorce action can ask that a no-contact order be a condition of the divorce proceedings. However, these usually expire with the final decree.
Settlements
The extent of abuse, and the potential for further abuse, should be the most important factors in any settlement. If there is an obvious threat of further abuse to a spouse and/or children, the contact should be limited or completely cut off. The safety of the victims must be the basis for settlement.
If the abuse is confined to the spouse, and isn’t sustained or life threatening, a judge will often arrange for visitation rights with the children. If this is the case, make sure all conditions are met to ensure your own safety when exchanging children for a visit. Judges sometimes draw up conditions for these exchanges that include third parties (trusted friends or family members), performing the exchange in a public place, or other security measures.
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Deciding to Divorce

The most intense, heart-wrenching decision comes at the start: Should you get divorced? Much has led up to this question, including the notions of separation and divorce. Up to now they have only been thoughts and words, with no immediate consequences. Now that you realize the time to decide has come, you have to contemplate action. The focus on action clarifies the situation, but also makes it seem more difficult and scary.
Any number of scenarios might lead to the end of a marriage. Sometimes there’s no choice; it’s your spouse who crosses the line. Often an affair ends a marriage. Other times physical abuse occurs, and the marriage becomes dangerous and intolerable. Circumstances like these leave little choice in the matter. A divorce becomes the only acceptable step.
But many divorces arise out of situations that are far less cut-and-dried. You may find that your marriage has grown dull. You look at your mate and realize that all the physical attraction you felt is gone. Or maybe the emptiness is in a different area. You might feel restricted, and even suffocated in everything you do. Your soul mate is no longer your soul mate. Your lives have grown apart. In situations like these others may still see your marriage as ideal, but deep down you feel it is all pain and misery. This may be one-sided. One partner may think everything is fine, while the other only wants out. Or you may be gasping for breath, and not even knowing it. If you come to the realization that your marriage is failing, should you get a divorce?
Before you take any steps you should contemplate where they might lead. Divorce is a painful, difficult choice. Ending a marriage is almost never easy, even when both sides agree that they no longer love each other. When one spouse still has deep feeling and the other doesn’t, or when there is any sense of imbalance at all—whether it be emotional, financial, or professional—that can only make it worse. In most cases you are ending a long relationship. There was love here once, and intensity. You are considering cutting the cord with someone who was the most important person in your life.
The presence of children amplifies the problem. The younger the kids, the worse it can be. Most children cannot help but feel torn when parents separate.
Divorce is often a financial earthquake for both parties. The family home might be sold. Two households are set up, both having to accommodate the children. Unless both parties are rich, this will affect your family’s standard of living.
Whether the problem is mental, spiritual, or a combination of factors, divorce is a step you should examine carefully. If there is no physical abuse in the picture, you may want to go to couple’s counseling before making the final decision. Offer to go with your spouse to see a therapist. Put it in positive terms, and make it a wholehearted offer. If you don’t think of it this way, counseling will have little chance of having any value. Your spouse may say no, but you will have tried.
If there is abuse, either physical or mental, couple’s counseling is almost certainly not the right course. Spousal or child abuse should not be tolerated. If it happens you need to protect yourself. In such a case you should simply look for the quickest, safest way out. Appeal to friends and family or, if necessary, go to a shelter. Do whatever you must do to effectively separate yourself and your children from your spouse, then look for a lawyer.
Has your spouse cheated? For me this was the cause of my divorce. Some will be able to forgive their spouse and try to save the marriage. I was unable to accept my husband’s affair and he quickly changed into a different person, both emotionally and physically, leaving me no choice but to file for divorce.
I know from my own experience, and from observation of many divorces, that your road ahead is long, frustrating, and probably ugly. The best scenario would be that you and your spouse begin by meeting with a mediator to agree on a fair settlement. If this route is possible it will save both of you thousands in legal fees. If you feel that your spouse will agree to an amicable divorce, this is the way to go.

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The Importance of Educating Our Young Girls
Times are a changing

The older I get and the longer I practice, the more impatient I seem to get with clients who have chosen to be stay at home moms. I don't inherently have a problem with women who make this choice, if they are educated and able to support themselves and their children in the event of a divorce. The problem I have is with women who choose not to education themselves or attain a skill or trade and come into my office basically at their wits end because they feel they have to stay in an abusive marriage because of their inability to earn a living.

I am far more sympathetic to the older women of generations passed who were raised in a different climate and from whose mistakes we of the later generations should have learned. While they were supporting their career driven spouses taking care of the house and the children these women put their educations and careers on the back burner. When their now highly educated husbands choose to have affairs or leave their marriages; these women are faced with the harsh reality of trying to support themselves and or their children on minimum wage earnings and sometimes hard to get child support.

I cannot understand the younger generation of females who feel they do not have to educate themselves and who choose instead to live off their spouses and fall back on the line that "my husband does not want me to work." Stay home if you want but education yourself in the event that staying at home no longer becomes an option. A young woman no more than 35 or 36 entered my office with her pre schooler, the youngest of four children. She had absolutely no education and claimed the most she could get in the the work force was maybe $10 an hour in light of the fact that she had no marketable skills. Her husband was not making fortune but his one income was sufficient to make ends meet on Long Island. When I discussed her child support expectations and the small amount of maintenance she would receive for a short period of time, she seemed both annoyed and defeated which in turn annoyed me. This young lady still had options she chose to ignore, like taking some classes and learning a trade before she thought of divorce. Instead, her view was that of a psedo martyer feeling very put upon and forced to stay in a horrible marriage. I felt no sympathy for this woman. She in fact made me angry enough to write this blog entry.

There should be a course in high school about the simple economics of running a household. Each student should be given a role and budget and asked to run a fictious household on their given salaries. There should be a varied mix of occupations and varying salaries so the students can gage how their peers are faring at the same or similiar tasks. All sudents should be assigned jobs with various salaries and they should all have the oportunity to make large fictious purchases. Perhaps this introduction into real life will cause all the students to realize that being able to support themselves is as important as taking Drivers education.

Nothing is guaranteed in this life, and I think our young women need to be as prepared as we expect our young men to be as they head off into the world.

The Importance of Educating Our Young Girls
Times are a changing

The older I get and the longer I practice, the more impatient I seem to get with clients who have chosen to be stay at home moms. I don't inherently have a problem with women who make this choice, if they are educated and able to support themselves and their children in the event of a divorce. The problem I have is with women who choose not to education themselves or attain a skill or trade and come into my office basically at their wits end because they feel they have to stay in an abusive marriage because of their inability to earn a living.

I am far more sympathetic to the older women of generations passed who were raised in a different climate and from whose mistakes we of the later generations should have learned. While they were supporting their career driven spouses taking care of the house and the children these women put their educations and careers on the back burner. When their now highly educated husbands choose to have affairs or leave their marriages; these women are faced with the harsh reality of trying to support themselves and or their children on minimum wage earnings and sometimes hard to get child support.

I cannot understand the younger generation of females who feel they do not have to educate themselves and who choose instead to live off their spouses and fall back on the line that "my husband does not want me to work." Stay home if you want but education yourself in the event that staying at home no longer becomes an option. A young woman no more than 35 or 36 entered my office with her pre schooler, the youngest of four children. She had absolutely no education and claimed the most she could get in the the work force was maybe $10 an hour in light of the fact that she had no marketable skills. Her husband was not making fortune but his one income was sufficient to make ends meet on Long Island. When I discussed her child support expectations and the small amount of maintenance she would receive for a short period of time, she seemed both annoyed and defeated which in turn annoyed me. This young lady still had options she chose to ignore, like taking some classes and learning a trade before she thought of divorce. Instead, her view was that of a psedo martyer feeling very put upon and forced to stay in a horrible marriage. I felt no sympathy for this woman. She in fact made me angry enough to write this blog entry.

There should be a course in high school about the simple economics of running a household. Each student should be given a role and budget and asked to run a fictious household on their given salaries. There should be a varied mix of occupations and varying salaries so the students can gage how their peers are faring at the same or similiar tasks. All sudents should be assigned jobs with various salaries and they should all have the oportunity to make large fictious purchases. Perhaps this introduction into real life will cause all the students to realize that being able to support themselves is as important as taking Drivers education.

Nothing is guaranteed in this life, and I think our young women need to be as prepared as we expect our young men to be as they head off into the world.

When your Mediator is not an Attorney

A large part of my practice is devoted to mediation. Over the years I have attempted to increase the number of mediation cases I do by trying to steer my potential clients into this direction if possible. Inevitably there is usually an element of anger which accompanies most divorces and for this reason mediation is still not the number one way which couples chooses to end their marriage. This of course is unfortunate but human nature being what it is makes the idea of turning a 30 year marriage into a corporate dissolution is somewhat distasteful to the masses. No matter how much they may want to end the marriage amicably, there is always still a part of these individuals that needs to lash out at their partner for whatever wrongs they feel may have befallen them within the marriage.
Thus only the couples, usually, who have been through extensive therapy either on their own or in couples counseling are ready to mediate to end their marriage. The pain and hurt must be expelled in some forum. The best forum of course is in a counseling session NOT in the mediation room. This brings me to the topic of today: what happens when you mediate with a counselors and not an attorney?

Many non attorneys advertise mediation services for divorce. I find this whole confute rather disturbing. To me a non attorney attempting to mediate a divorce is tantamount to an attorney doing heart surgery. If you think I am being dramatic, let me lay out the perils as I see it:

The mediation process is meant to circumvent the need to litigate a divorce in court. The parties however, come to a binding agreement which effects their rights and the rights of their children for years to come. Non attorneys by law, are not permitted to represent clients in court, just as lay people are not permitted to operate in an operating room without the appropriate training or license. Non attorneys are not trained in the law and as much as they read up on it, unless they are licensed, they may not practice in a courtroom. Why then should they have the right to practice law in their own offices and call it "Mediation"?

A non attorney cannot by law advise clients as to their rights or give legal advice. In this case, how then can a non attorney properly mediate a divorce? They cannot. A non attorney mediation or what should be termed, couples counseling should in fact be the first step in ending the anger between the couple. This session should not produce anything more binding than a mutual agreement to then proceed with legally binding mediation with a trained and licensed professional.

Non attorneys certainly have a place in preparing people to mediate, but they really have no business discussing terms of mediation or the laws which will bind these individuals. Many non attorneys claim to "work with attorneys" to expedite the mediation process. Again I make the arguments that non attorneys have no business making themselves a part of any legal dissolution between the parties. They are not trained to give proper advice nor are they allowed by law to do so. How then may these couples reach an agreement without all of the facts in front of them? The answer is, that they make ill informed decisions by relying on non attorneys who attempt to cover themselves by telling each party to take an already drafted agreement to individual lawyers for their review.
By this time the couple is usually so burnt after what they feel has been fruitful negotiation that they are wary about upsetting the applecart and usually shy away from having the agreement reviewed. What winds up happening is that these poor ill advised souls find themselves with agreements which either are impossible to live up to or are so one sided that down the road they are forced to attempt to over turn them in order to reach a more equitable agreement.
Of course the problem they face is that it is usually difficult to over turn any agreement already signed and sealed without a showing overt onesidedness. This leads to the very litigation they were trying to avoid in the first place.

My advice therefore for couples interested in terminating their marriage: Go to couples therapy or individual therapy first to cleanse yourself of anger and irrational emotion. Then find a good attorney to mediate a divorce agreement which you can enter into with a clear head and full information as to your rights and the rights of your spouse.

When your Mediator is not an Attorney

A large part of my practice is devoted to mediation. Over the years I have attempted to increase the number of mediation cases I do by trying to steer my potential clients into this direction if possible. Inevitably there is usually an element of anger which accompanies most divorces and for this reason mediation is still not the number one way which couples chooses to end their marriage. This of course is unfortunate but human nature being what it is makes the idea of turning a 30 year marriage into a corporate dissolution is somewhat distasteful to the masses. No matter how much they may want to end the marriage amicably, there is always still a part of these individuals that needs to lash out at their partner for whatever wrongs they feel may have befallen them within the marriage.
Thus only the couples, usually, who have been through extensive therapy either on their own or in couples counseling are ready to mediate to end their marriage. The pain and hurt must be expelled in some forum. The best forum of course is in a counseling session NOT in the mediation room. This brings me to the topic of today: what happens when you mediate with a counselors and not an attorney?

Many non attorneys advertise mediation services for divorce. I find this whole confute rather disturbing. To me a non attorney attempting to mediate a divorce is tantamount to an attorney doing heart surgery. If you think I am being dramatic, let me lay out the perils as I see it:

The mediation process is meant to circumvent the need to litigate a divorce in court. The parties however, come to a binding agreement which effects their rights and the rights of their children for years to come. Non attorneys by law, are not permitted to represent clients in court, just as lay people are not permitted to operate in an operating room without the appropriate training or license. Non attorneys are not trained in the law and as much as they read up on it, unless they are licensed, they may not practice in a courtroom. Why then should they have the right to practice law in their own offices and call it "Mediation"?

A non attorney cannot by law advise clients as to their rights or give legal advice. In this case, how then can a non attorney properly mediate a divorce? They cannot. A non attorney mediation or what should be termed, couples counseling should in fact be the first step in ending the anger between the couple. This session should not produce anything more binding than a mutual agreement to then proceed with legally binding mediation with a trained and licensed professional.

Non attorneys certainly have a place in preparing people to mediate, but they really have no business discussing terms of mediation or the laws which will bind these individuals. Many non attorneys claim to "work with attorneys" to expedite the mediation process. Again I make the arguments that non attorneys have no business making themselves a part of any legal dissolution between the parties. They are not trained to give proper advice nor are they allowed by law to do so. How then may these couples reach an agreement without all of the facts in front of them? The answer is, that they make ill informed decisions by relying on non attorneys who attempt to cover themselves by telling each party to take an already drafted agreement to individual lawyers for their review.
By this time the couple is usually so burnt after what they feel has been fruitful negotiation that they are wary about upsetting the applecart and usually shy away from having the agreement reviewed. What winds up happening is that these poor ill advised souls find themselves with agreements which either are impossible to live up to or are so one sided that down the road they are forced to attempt to over turn them in order to reach a more equitable agreement.
Of course the problem they face is that it is usually difficult to over turn any agreement already signed and sealed without a showing overt onesidedness. This leads to the very litigation they were trying to avoid in the first place.

My advice therefore for couples interested in terminating their marriage: Go to couples therapy or individual therapy first to cleanse yourself of anger and irrational emotion. Then find a good attorney to mediate a divorce agreement which you can enter into with a clear head and full information as to your rights and the rights of your spouse.

Are you considering divorce? I’m talking about quiet, sober consideration of a question, not the thoughts that flare up from the heated emotions that come right after an argument. Have you thought through the effects of a divorce, and come to the conclusion that you may want to act? If you have, there are things you should do right away.
If your spouse has already filed before you, then you must act immediately. If not, you should take certain actions quickly, but not carelessly. The things you do now will affect every decision throughout the process, right down to the final decree.
If you have reached the point where divorce is a clear option, and particularly if you are considering an action that shows you mean to separate from your spouse (if you are thinking of leaving, or asking him/her to move out), you should do the following before approaching your spouse:
Seven things you must do before approaching your spouse about divorce
Make copies of your spouse’s pay stubs for the past eight weeks.
Make copies of your joint tax returns for the past five years.
Copy all bank statements and documentation of stock accounts, IRAs, and pension plans.
Make copies of all of your monthly bills over the past three months. These should include mortgage statements, rent payments, utility bills, car payments, insurance premiums, children’s expenses, medical expenses, and credit card statements.
Copy deeds to any properties owned jointly or in your spouse’s name.
Copy documents relating to any investments. These should include stocks, bonds, real estate, and any corporations or businesses owned in any part by you and your spouse.
Make a list of all collectibles, jewelry and other valuables. Photograph or videotape these items. Also list all furnishings and take pictures of these also
This may seem like an overwhelming task, but doing it will ensure that you have all the information ready when you need it most. Once you leave, or if your spouse leaves and takes these records, then you may have to ask your attorney to file a motion to force your spouse to produce them. That would become just another costly hassle down the line. Avoid it. Make copies.
Why do you need all these documents? If divorce proceedings get into a courtroom it means you and your spouse are in a battle. What are at stake are almost certainly income, lifestyle, and assets. You and your spouse are sorting out all of these things in a courtroom, so you need to establish the cost of living and the lifestyle you and your family enjoyed while married. This becomes the baseline the court will use for a settlement. The judge will base decisions about child support and alimony on this information. You must show what your family spends on maintaining a home, food, clothing, transportation, health, education, and any other necessities. In addition you need to clearly establish what your spouse earns or is capable of earning.
If you exit your home empty-handed, or if your spouse walks off with these records, you have no proof. In theory, the Court can force your spouse might produce these records, but only if your spouse is honest in producing the necessary documents, and only at the cost of one more bill from your attorney. That bill will probably come when you can least afford it. And if your spouse swears that the records produced are the only records in existence, you may be stuck with that answer. Once again: Make copies. Give them to a trusted friend or relative before informing your spouse you want a divorce.

From The "You Can't Make This Stuff Up" Category

Posted at 54th & 7th

From The "You Can't Make This Stuff Up" Category

Posted at 54th & 7th

ATTA GIRL!!

Ok, so I was already feeling a little giddy this week with the win of Maria Sharapova in the US Open who eerily resembles my six year old, who is also a tennis player, and who was also born in Russia. Now when I am feeling as my mother says in my "I am Woman" mode I read about a 29 year old who discovered before her wedding about the cheating ways of her husband to be. Instead of continuing with the nuptials this young lady turned the wedding, which of course was non-refundable, into a charity event. I have no idea where Vergennes Vermont is, but there is one heck of a party going on there!
Unlike so many of my clients who would have (and have done so) chosen to continue with the wedding out of embarrassment this woman invited 125 of her closest female friends for drinks and a gourmet four course dinner. In exchange, she and her mother are hoping the guests make donations to the charities they are hosting.
This is the type of thing which makes me proud to be a woman. We as women have the capacity to turn a negative into a positive and splash it about in a big way. Instead of turning into a statistic this brave woman became headline news.
May I take this opportunity to teach to the masses a valuable lesson here? If your soon to be partner cheats on you before the wedding...Chances are pretty good they will continue with that course of conduct and you should see this as a red flag.
Now some may ask the question, does she get to keep the ring? Technically, No. However, if the ring was given for an occasion other than the engagement such as on Christmas or her birthday, it could very well be interpreted that the ring was not given in contemplation of marriage but instead as a gift on an occasion. In this case,however, where the bride and her family expended nonrefundable out of pocket expenses, it would seem to me that the ring should be used to offset and reduce part of his obligation to split the expenses. Chances are the bride or her mother will not seek reimbursement in which case the ring rightly belongs to her.
By the way I never seek the return of the ring, during a divorce proceeding. Frankly I think it is just bad form to ask for a woman's engagement ring, and there are usually enough other marital assets to divvy up. I believe there should be some things off limits. Enough law for one day...
For today..after my manicure and pedicure, I am basking in my womanhood.....

ATTA GIRL!!

Ok, so I was already feeling a little giddy this week with the win of Maria Sharapova in the US Open who eerily resembles my six year old, who is also a tennis player, and who was also born in Russia. Now when I am feeling as my mother says in my "I am Woman" mode I read about a 29 year old who discovered before her wedding about the cheating ways of her husband to be. Instead of continuing with the nuptials this young lady turned the wedding, which of course was non-refundable, into a charity event. I have no idea where Vergennes Vermont is, but there is one heck of a party going on there!
Unlike so many of my clients who would have (and have done so) chosen to continue with the wedding out of embarrassment this woman invited 125 of her closest female friends for drinks and a gourmet four course dinner. In exchange, she and her mother are hoping the guests make donations to the charities they are hosting.
This is the type of thing which makes me proud to be a woman. We as women have the capacity to turn a negative into a positive and splash it about in a big way. Instead of turning into a statistic this brave woman became headline news.
May I take this opportunity to teach to the masses a valuable lesson here? If your soon to be partner cheats on you before the wedding...Chances are pretty good they will continue with that course of conduct and you should see this as a red flag.
Now some may ask the question, does she get to keep the ring? Technically, No. However, if the ring was given for an occasion other than the engagement such as on Christmas or her birthday, it could very well be interpreted that the ring was not given in contemplation of marriage but instead as a gift on an occasion. In this case,however, where the bride and her family expended nonrefundable out of pocket expenses, it would seem to me that the ring should be used to offset and reduce part of his obligation to split the expenses. Chances are the bride or her mother will not seek reimbursement in which case the ring rightly belongs to her.
By the way I never seek the return of the ring, during a divorce proceeding. Frankly I think it is just bad form to ask for a woman's engagement ring, and there are usually enough other marital assets to divvy up. I believe there should be some things off limits. Enough law for one day...
For today..after my manicure and pedicure, I am basking in my womanhood.....

Back to School; New Website; Ugly Business

Welcome back to September! As much as I love the summer, the end of August brings with its cooler breezes the promise of one full day without the constant fighting of bored children.
I am not looking forward to homework, projects and the general nagging associated with back to school, but I am looking forward to more of a routine than the bohemian lifestyle we tend to adopt in the summer months. No more will my children be going to bed AFTER me. No more constant television. No more lounging till noon contemplating my zen!
September brings with it the usual increase in business, another cycle whereby those around us choose to turn over a new leaf. My millionth attempt to start a new exercise regime and to lose the "summer weight."
September also brings a new website which should be up and running as we speak.

My advice to all of my present or future clients. As one non matrimonial attorney just reminded me on the telephone..."This is an ugly business." When there is a disruption in a family, it is always ugly. The extent of the ugliness depends on the parties involved. As for my advice? Be prepared. Know everything about the finances in your marriage, be up to date on all the bills. Make sure you are an involved parent and above all be willing to compromise. If a matter can be mediated as opposed to litigated everyone wins.

Welcome back to all those hibernating for the summer....I for one am ready to hit the ground running...afterall I have less shouting in my ear these days!

Back to School; New Website; Ugly Business

Welcome back to September! As much as I love the summer, the end of August brings with its cooler breezes the promise of one full day without the constant fighting of bored children.
I am not looking forward to homework, projects and the general nagging associated with back to school, but I am looking forward to more of a routine than the bohemian lifestyle we tend to adopt in the summer months. No more will my children be going to bed AFTER me. No more constant television. No more lounging till noon contemplating my zen!
September brings with it the usual increase in business, another cycle whereby those around us choose to turn over a new leaf. My millionth attempt to start a new exercise regime and to lose the "summer weight."
September also brings a new website which should be up and running as we speak.

My advice to all of my present or future clients. As one non matrimonial attorney just reminded me on the telephone..."This is an ugly business." When there is a disruption in a family, it is always ugly. The extent of the ugliness depends on the parties involved. As for my advice? Be prepared. Know everything about the finances in your marriage, be up to date on all the bills. Make sure you are an involved parent and above all be willing to compromise. If a matter can be mediated as opposed to litigated everyone wins.

Welcome back to all those hibernating for the summer....I for one am ready to hit the ground running...afterall I have less shouting in my ear these days!

The Ever Younger clientele

If I had done the math first her age of 26 would not have shocked me, it was the year of her birth 1980, which sent me reeling. 1980 was a year after I graduated from High School. To me it seems unreal to me that a person who had not even been conceived as I marched down the aisle in my graduation robes who be sitting in front of me asking for information on a divorce. The problem I continue to face is a dilemma I wrote about in my last post regarding spousal ignorance. The young girl in front of me a self stated "homemaker" knew nothing about the marital finances. Unlike her mother and grandmother before her however, when I asked her if she was educated she sited two different degrees to her credit. My concern is her absence from the workforce from the time of earning these degrees to the present. Yes, she does have potential but no experience. This will lead only to entry level positions giving her another disadvantage in the matrimonial war.

Although this sounds like a put down to stay at home moms my statement reflects only my experience with marriages. Not all marriages last, in fact if we believe the statistics the odds are against marriage. Any women who cannot support herself and sometimes her child will be at a severe disadvantage and may either be forced to remain in the marriage or substantially change her lifestyle.

So what is it that I suggest? Keep a toe in the water in your chosen career, even if only on a part time basis. Act as a consultant, intern, anything to keep yourself in the loop of your profession. When I decided to take a year off after the birth of my second son, I did pro bono work out of the house, just to keep myself involved in the legal community and keep my contacts. Keeping contacts fresh and connected is the second rule if you decide to stay at home. These are the people who will help you locate a position when you are ready to enter the workforce again. Also keep abreast of any updates or changes in your profession. Things change all the time and keeping up with your career will hold you in good stead in the future. Finally be sure to keep up with your license or continuing education requirements for your degree or license. Again you never know when you will be thrust back into the workforce and the independence that you will achieve can get you through the bumps which may arise in your life.

No one enters marriage preparing for divorce, but everyone should be prepared to support themselves and their children if the need arises.

The Ever Younger clientele

If I had done the math first her age of 26 would not have shocked me, it was the year of her birth 1980, which sent me reeling. 1980 was a year after I graduated from High School. To me it seems unreal to me that a person who had not even been conceived as I marched down the aisle in my graduation robes who be sitting in front of me asking for information on a divorce. The problem I continue to face is a dilemma I wrote about in my last post regarding spousal ignorance. The young girl in front of me a self stated "homemaker" knew nothing about the marital finances. Unlike her mother and grandmother before her however, when I asked her if she was educated she sited two different degrees to her credit. My concern is her absence from the workforce from the time of earning these degrees to the present. Yes, she does have potential but no experience. This will lead only to entry level positions giving her another disadvantage in the matrimonial war.

Although this sounds like a put down to stay at home moms my statement reflects only my experience with marriages. Not all marriages last, in fact if we believe the statistics the odds are against marriage. Any women who cannot support herself and sometimes her child will be at a severe disadvantage and may either be forced to remain in the marriage or substantially change her lifestyle.

So what is it that I suggest? Keep a toe in the water in your chosen career, even if only on a part time basis. Act as a consultant, intern, anything to keep yourself in the loop of your profession. When I decided to take a year off after the birth of my second son, I did pro bono work out of the house, just to keep myself involved in the legal community and keep my contacts. Keeping contacts fresh and connected is the second rule if you decide to stay at home. These are the people who will help you locate a position when you are ready to enter the workforce again. Also keep abreast of any updates or changes in your profession. Things change all the time and keeping up with your career will hold you in good stead in the future. Finally be sure to keep up with your license or continuing education requirements for your degree or license. Again you never know when you will be thrust back into the workforce and the independence that you will achieve can get you through the bumps which may arise in your life.

No one enters marriage preparing for divorce, but everyone should be prepared to support themselves and their children if the need arises.

Spousal Ignorance

The theme for today is spousal ignorance and the need for each spouse to become familiar with the financial aspects of a marriage. Over the last few weeks there seems to be an ever increasing number of mostly female clients coming into my office with absolutely no knowledge of the financial aspects of the marriage. These women have be "sheltered" by their husband from the intricacies of the financial obligations of the parties rendering them virtually powerless in participating in many decision having an impact over their lives. Stories abound about Husbands taking out equity loans and refinancing the marital residence with little to no input from their wives doing things with the money and leaving the wife holding half the debt at the break up of the marriage without knowing what the funds were used to pay. Wives entering my office with little more than the passed year's income tax statement advising me that they have been too busy with the children to participate in the financial end of things ultimately have given a huge advance to their husbands in the event of a breakup.

Every woman (and man, though this is rare) must be sure to have full knowledge of every bill that is paid within the household. Each woman needs to know what debts are outstanding and to whom they are owed. Each woman needs to take responsibility for signing her name to any and all legal documents, including tax returns; loan applications; closing documents. Every wife is responsible as an adult over the age of 18 for her actions. The fact that she blindly trusted her spouse is not an excuse that any court will be willing to consider. More importantly it empowers her spouse into believing he can get away with anything and obligate her to things which she may never be able to recover from financially.

The woman who blinding believes that her life is pleasurable and chooses not to be a part of the finances, is setting herself up for a huge fall. Unless she is well educated and readily employable or has a separate resource fund from which she may draw, these women are destined to either remain in a potentially abusive relationship or fall prey to a long drawn out divorce proceeding, begging family or friends to finance their litigation.

Knowledge is power and ultimately it is also a necessity. In an age where nothing is guaranteed least of all a "happy ever after" ending to a marriage, we must all be prepared to forge through with or without a spouse at our side. The children's needs remain constant or escalate and the fact that Mom or Dad cannot meet these will not be met with sympathy by the court. The children always come first. In order to properly meet these needs both parties must be partners in the financial affairs of the marriage. Be aware; Become aware; Do not sleepwalk through your financial lives, your children may someday need to depend on your knowledge or suffer for your lack thereof.

Spousal Ignorance

The theme for today is spousal ignorance and the need for each spouse to become familiar with the financial aspects of a marriage. Over the last few weeks there seems to be an ever increasing number of mostly female clients coming into my office with absolutely no knowledge of the financial aspects of the marriage. These women have be "sheltered" by their husband from the intricacies of the financial obligations of the parties rendering them virtually powerless in participating in many decision having an impact over their lives. Stories abound about Husbands taking out equity loans and refinancing the marital residence with little to no input from their wives doing things with the money and leaving the wife holding half the debt at the break up of the marriage without knowing what the funds were used to pay. Wives entering my office with little more than the passed year's income tax statement advising me that they have been too busy with the children to participate in the financial end of things ultimately have given a huge advance to their husbands in the event of a breakup.

Every woman (and man, though this is rare) must be sure to have full knowledge of every bill that is paid within the household. Each woman needs to know what debts are outstanding and to whom they are owed. Each woman needs to take responsibility for signing her name to any and all legal documents, including tax returns; loan applications; closing documents. Every wife is responsible as an adult over the age of 18 for her actions. The fact that she blindly trusted her spouse is not an excuse that any court will be willing to consider. More importantly it empowers her spouse into believing he can get away with anything and obligate her to things which she may never be able to recover from financially.

The woman who blinding believes that her life is pleasurable and chooses not to be a part of the finances, is setting herself up for a huge fall. Unless she is well educated and readily employable or has a separate resource fund from which she may draw, these women are destined to either remain in a potentially abusive relationship or fall prey to a long drawn out divorce proceeding, begging family or friends to finance their litigation.

Knowledge is power and ultimately it is also a necessity. In an age where nothing is guaranteed least of all a "happy ever after" ending to a marriage, we must all be prepared to forge through with or without a spouse at our side. The children's needs remain constant or escalate and the fact that Mom or Dad cannot meet these will not be met with sympathy by the court. The children always come first. In order to properly meet these needs both parties must be partners in the financial affairs of the marriage. Be aware; Become aware; Do not sleepwalk through your financial lives, your children may someday need to depend on your knowledge or suffer for your lack thereof.

“With Christina Rowe’s help and coaching I was able to find a great attorney. I am now able to provide my children with the financial security that they deserve. This book is a must read for any woman going through a divorce”

Cindy, mother of two

“When my ex-husband refused to pay medical expenses for our children, I was able to bring him back to court without paying a lawyer. After reading Seven Secrets to a Successful Divorce-what every woman needs to know I was successful in court and saved myself a lot of money in attorney fees”

Sophia Demeson, mother of three

“How I wish I had read this book 5 years ago! I suffered through a long, painful divorce. If the information in this book was available to me back then I would have saved myself money, time and heartache”

Ginny Fredrick

“I am currently going through a complicated divorce. I now know how to protect myself financially thanks to this book. If you are going through a divorce I highly recommend you read Seven Secrets to a Successful Divorce-what every woman needs to know by Christina Rowe. It is a lifesaver”


Christine Vela



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Internet Regulation on Attorney Advertising
It seems the internet has finally attracted the attention of the powers that be in the state of New York regarding attorney advertising and web sites. It was bound to happen I guess, but as usual the rules at first blush (usually until tested in court) are outrageously vague as far as what is and is not allowed on websites maintained by attorneys. The first rule that troubles me is the one about client "testimonials." It seems the committee feels that current clients who are pleased with their attorney cannot be quoted expressing such thoughts on the attorney's website. What about a client who is still a client (many of us have those perpetual clients who although they do not have an active case at present..keep us on a retainer of sorts in the event something should occur)but does not have an active case? What about a client who is a repeat client somewhere down the road? Does the website have to be updated each time a former client becomes a new client again? Updating the website is also going to be problematic according to the rules. It seems that wherever a web site is updated, the update must be sent in to the commitee. What is up with that??? The Disciplinary committee seems to want to keep close tabs on all attorney websites in this state. Now for my favorite restriction. No pictures of Court Houses. Well, does that mean no specific court house or are all generic pictures of court houses in general prohibited. Are we as attorneys expected to present to our clients pictures of gymnasiums instead??? We are lawyers, we frequent court houses, why in the world are we not allowed to show a picture of even a generic court house on our websites? Or are we allowed and do they simply not want us to associate ourselves with a particular courthouse for fear it may seem like a misrepresentation to the public that we have a particular "in" at a certain courthouse if we depict it on our website. Now that is only a guess but hey, if I put a picture of the White House on my website, would that imply that I have an "in" with the President??
Forgive my frustration, but in our business we are paid to fine tune the law and help to interpret it for the public. When our own rule makers make rules which are general and vague, they not only cause mass confusion, but invite litigation or challenges which only tend to forestall the restrictions they seem anxious to put in place supposedly not just for the protection of the public, but for attorneys as well.

Internet Regulation on Attorney Advertising
It seems the internet has finally attracted the attention of the powers that be in the state of New York regarding attorney advertising and web sites. It was bound to happen I guess, but as usual the rules at first blush (usually until tested in court) are outrageously vague as far as what is and is not allowed on websites maintained by attorneys. The first rule that troubles me is the one about client "testimonials." It seems the committee feels that current clients who are pleased with their attorney cannot be quoted expressing such thoughts on the attorney's website. What about a client who is still a client (many of us have those perpetual clients who although they do not have an active case at present..keep us on a retainer of sorts in the event something should occur)but does not have an active case? What about a client who is a repeat client somewhere down the road? Does the website have to be updated each time a former client becomes a new client again? Updating the website is also going to be problematic according to the rules. It seems that wherever a web site is updated, the update must be sent in to the commitee. What is up with that??? The Disciplinary committee seems to want to keep close tabs on all attorney websites in this state. Now for my favorite restriction. No pictures of Court Houses. Well, does that mean no specific court house or are all generic pictures of court houses in general prohibited. Are we as attorneys expected to present to our clients pictures of gymnasiums instead??? We are lawyers, we frequent court houses, why in the world are we not allowed to show a picture of even a generic court house on our websites? Or are we allowed and do they simply not want us to associate ourselves with a particular courthouse for fear it may seem like a misrepresentation to the public that we have a particular "in" at a certain courthouse if we depict it on our website. Now that is only a guess but hey, if I put a picture of the White House on my website, would that imply that I have an "in" with the President??
Forgive my frustration, but in our business we are paid to fine tune the law and help to interpret it for the public. When our own rule makers make rules which are general and vague, they not only cause mass confusion, but invite litigation or challenges which only tend to forestall the restrictions they seem anxious to put in place supposedly not just for the protection of the public, but for attorneys as well.