Staying Married for All the Wrong Reasons
A potential client came in the other day asking about a Legal Separation.  This young woman was convinced her husband who didn't want a divorce would agree to a legal separation.  I asked her what her ultimate goal actually was because a legal separation meant she was still married. She was infatic that the marriage was over but that she didn't want to "hurt" her husband any more and thought a legal separation would be a good middle ground to get him "used" to the idea of living separate and apart and that a year down the road the divorce would go through without a hitch.  Nice idea I said to her, but rather selfish don't you think? I asked her. "How is it selfish?" she asked. Well I said, do you have any wish to save this marriage? "No", she said.  Do you intend to go on with your life and pursue other love interests once you are separated?  "Of course" she said. Well then why in the world would you be so mean to your husband making him think that a  chance exists that you will get back together when you know that you never will?

"Because.." she said "he won't fight if he thinks there is a chance that we will get back together and once we are separated I can get an uncontested divorce a year later."  Wow, wow, wow.  Now I needed to explain to her that a legal separation was not a done deal, and if in fact after a year if she wanted to get divorced it was yet another legal proceeding and many many times(more than I care to think about) the issues in the legal separation can and sometimes are re-litigated or at least re-negotiated because since it is not a "done deal" so to speak if one party says circumstances have changed we need to change things. There is also the issue of ..... by the way I am not as happy with my life as you seem to be..... so lets rumble.

Who needs to fight this twice?? The best advice is to be honest with your spouse. Yes it will cause some pain, but they will get over it and it will force them to move on with their life sooner. Unfortunately in most relationships, both parties are never at the same place at the same time when it comes to ending it. The pain will go away, the spouse who wants the marriage over will eventually get over the guilt and life will go on.

Staying in an unhappy marriage is not healthy for either party and not fair to either party. Everyone deserves  to be happy, really happy. There is someone for everyone out there.  It make take 30 or 40 years before you find him or her and a lifetime of failed marriages or relationships, but as long as there is breath in your body love can be found.

Staying Married for All the Wrong Reasons
A potential client came in the other day asking about a Legal Separation.  This young woman was convinced her husband who didn't want a divorce would agree to a legal separation.  I asked her what her ultimate goal actually was because a legal separation meant she was still married. She was infatic that the marriage was over but that she didn't want to "hurt" her husband any more and thought a legal separation would be a good middle ground to get him "used" to the idea of living separate and apart and that a year down the road the divorce would go through without a hitch.  Nice idea I said to her, but rather selfish don't you think? I asked her. "How is it selfish?" she asked. Well I said, do you have any wish to save this marriage? "No", she said.  Do you intend to go on with your life and pursue other love interests once you are separated?  "Of course" she said. Well then why in the world would you be so mean to your husband making him think that a  chance exists that you will get back together when you know that you never will?

"Because.." she said "he won't fight if he thinks there is a chance that we will get back together and once we are separated I can get an uncontested divorce a year later."  Wow, wow, wow.  Now I needed to explain to her that a legal separation was not a done deal, and if in fact after a year if she wanted to get divorced it was yet another legal proceeding and many many times(more than I care to think about) the issues in the legal separation can and sometimes are re-litigated or at least re-negotiated because since it is not a "done deal" so to speak if one party says circumstances have changed we need to change things. There is also the issue of ..... by the way I am not as happy with my life as you seem to be..... so lets rumble.

Who needs to fight this twice?? The best advice is to be honest with your spouse. Yes it will cause some pain, but they will get over it and it will force them to move on with their life sooner. Unfortunately in most relationships, both parties are never at the same place at the same time when it comes to ending it. The pain will go away, the spouse who wants the marriage over will eventually get over the guilt and life will go on.

Staying in an unhappy marriage is not healthy for either party and not fair to either party. Everyone deserves  to be happy, really happy. There is someone for everyone out there.  It make take 30 or 40 years before you find him or her and a lifetime of failed marriages or relationships, but as long as there is breath in your body love can be found.

HENRY MOORE AT THE TATE

I have long admired Henry Moore’s sculptures. Like that of all great artists, his work has always struck me as being ahead of its time. Hence, whilst in London on Sunday, I took the opportunity to visit the Henry Moore Exhibition at the Tate. It was a chance to appreciate how a great sculptor developed, from carving images akin to those made by ancient Mexican natives, to things more angular and visually disturbing as he lived through the war years.

All great items of beauty, and throughout it all the theme of nursing mothers pervaded; not in families, just single mothers with a child.

Divorce---Never Mind

It is always apparant when we approach Spring because litigants become different people. The angry hostile individuals who braved it through a rough winter seemingly become softer and more plyable as we approach the warmth of Spring and the heat of Summer. As a young man's fancy may turn to love, so may the feelings of the women as they decide whether or not to continue with the actions of divorce and try reconcilliation yet again, or perhaps be more reasonable in exchange for a quick exit from a disasterous marriage.

As we learned today from MSN one of the 7 reasons individuals have strokes is because they are unhappy and specifically  unhappy in their marriages. What better reason to get a divorce than in order to avoid a stroke?? Seriously, the warmth and light of the sun may make the depression about their lives and their marriages less dier and cause an individual to think twice about their life choices.

MSNBC.Com also informs us today that couples who live together eventually tie the knot within 2 of 5 years of their co-habitation and that the divorce rate of couples who co-habitate before marriage have virtually the same rate of divorce as those who do not live together before marriage.

Americans still love marriage,” said Andrew Cherlin, a Johns Hopkins University sociologist and author of “The Marriage-Go-Round: The State of Marriage and Family in America Today.” “They still think marriage is a first class way to live your personal life, but they are reluctant to marry until they think they have their lives in order.

So whether it is to try it all again or move to another more rewarding relationship, it is apparant that Spring is for new beginnings. 

Divorce---Never Mind

It is always apparant when we approach Spring because litigants become different people. The angry hostile individuals who braved it through a rough winter seemingly become softer and more plyable as we approach the warmth of Spring and the heat of Summer. As a young man's fancy may turn to love, so may the feelings of the women as they decide whether or not to continue with the actions of divorce and try reconcilliation yet again, or perhaps be more reasonable in exchange for a quick exit from a disasterous marriage.

As we learned today from MSN one of the 7 reasons individuals have strokes is because they are unhappy and specifically  unhappy in their marriages. What better reason to get a divorce than in order to avoid a stroke?? Seriously, the warmth and light of the sun may make the depression about their lives and their marriages less dier and cause an individual to think twice about their life choices.

MSNBC.Com also informs us today that couples who live together eventually tie the knot within 2 of 5 years of their co-habitation and that the divorce rate of couples who co-habitate before marriage have virtually the same rate of divorce as those who do not live together before marriage.

Americans still love marriage,” said Andrew Cherlin, a Johns Hopkins University sociologist and author of “The Marriage-Go-Round: The State of Marriage and Family in America Today.” “They still think marriage is a first class way to live your personal life, but they are reluctant to marry until they think they have their lives in order.

So whether it is to try it all again or move to another more rewarding relationship, it is apparant that Spring is for new beginnings. 

OUT OF STEP

A new YouGov poll published by Resolution on Friday ahead of its annual conference in Manchester this weekend , reveals just how out of step with the realities of family life and its breakdown the political parties are in modern Britain. The YouGov poll asked over 2000 adults in the UK about a range of issues related to family breakdown, divorce and the status of cohabiting couples. The poll found that almost three quarters (72 percent) of people don’t think unhappily married couples should stay together because of the children, and over two-thirds (68 percent) believe that couples should be able to divorce without blaming each other.

David Allison, the new Chair of Resolution, said: “Family issues are dominating the election agenda with all parties developing and publishing policies aimed at the nation’s families. Sadly many of these policies miss the point, fail to engage with the realities of family life in the 21st century and leave many families out in the cold. If unhappy families aren’t going to stay together because of their children – they certainly won’t stay together because of a £10 tax break. Politicians need to stop using family life as a political football and engage instead with real solutions which support rather than judge families.”

The online YouGov poll also showed that 4 out of 5 (80 percent) people agree with the principle of financial support when a relationship ends, and almost three quarters (72 percent) of those who agreed with this principle believe that it should apply to couples in any relationship regardless of whether or not they are married.

“Despite the fact that cohabitation is the fastest growing family type in the UK, the present government has only paid lip service to the idea of supporting families of all shapes and sizes and did not support Lord Lester’s recent Cohabitation Bill. By passing up the opportunity to reform the law for cohabiting couples it has allowed discrimination to persist in family law,” David Allison said.

Resolution, which represents over 5500 family lawyers, believes that couples must be able to divorce without blame after six months of separation and couples who live together must be given legal protection.

Grrrrrr

Once upon a time I had a client who liked to let me know his feelings. The whole divorce process was understandably frustrating for him and he kept me updated as to how much, by peppering his e-mails with grunts and growls in the way Little Girl includes smiling faces in her messages. Even in the midst of a jungle-like roar though he could come out with little pearls of wisdom that he’s consented to me sharing with you here, like:

“I didn’t realise that a marriage breakdown would cost me twice what I initially thought, nor ten times as much emotional pain; Roarrrrr!”

Defying the Stereotype

In her book Divorce Sucks, Mary Jo Eustace challenges the divorcee to debunk the hurtful stereotypes of divorced people. Writes Eustace: "Our marriages didn't work, so people assume we don't quite work. And this is why it's very important for those of us who have survived the hell of divorce to start redefining what the landscape of the divorced woman [or man] can look like. People can have us over for dinner, even a couple's dinner party, and we promise we won't seduce anyone's husband or dance on the table, expressing ourselves through modern movement and our ability to do the splits."

As funny as this sounds those who have been through a divorce can attest to the fact that they are ostracized from certain family and friends and in fact some couples feel a divorce is "catching."  Hoping to avoid this epidemic they opt to exclude the now single friend , however, I do believe that men suffer this considerably less than women.

Married couples are apt to try to "fix" up the newly single man while the single woman is seen as a threat to every married couple in sight.

A recent study published in the Journal of Health and Social Behavior suggests that divorced or widowed people have 20 percent more chronic health conditions such as heart disease, diabetes or cancer than married people.
Another study in  Psychological Science claimed that a person's happiness level drops as she approaches divorce, although there is rebounding over time if the person works at it.

With Divorce being discribed as the second most stressful life event, preceded only by the death of a spouse it is no wonder depression can is a very serious concern to those in the midst of this life crisis.

Defying the Stereotype

In her book Divorce Sucks, Mary Jo Eustace challenges the divorcee to debunk the hurtful stereotypes of divorced people. Writes Eustace: "Our marriages didn't work, so people assume we don't quite work. And this is why it's very important for those of us who have survived the hell of divorce to start redefining what the landscape of the divorced woman [or man] can look like. People can have us over for dinner, even a couple's dinner party, and we promise we won't seduce anyone's husband or dance on the table, expressing ourselves through modern movement and our ability to do the splits."

As funny as this sounds those who have been through a divorce can attest to the fact that they are ostracized from certain family and friends and in fact some couples feel a divorce is "catching."  Hoping to avoid this epidemic they opt to exclude the now single friend , however, I do believe that men suffer this considerably less than women.

Married couples are apt to try to "fix" up the newly single man while the single woman is seen as a threat to every married couple in sight.

A recent study published in the Journal of Health and Social Behavior suggests that divorced or widowed people have 20 percent more chronic health conditions such as heart disease, diabetes or cancer than married people.
Another study in  Psychological Science claimed that a person's happiness level drops as she approaches divorce, although there is rebounding over time if the person works at it.

With Divorce being discribed as the second most stressful life event, preceded only by the death of a spouse it is no wonder depression can is a very serious concern to those in the midst of this life crisis.

Is Therapy the Answer?

Bad marriage, trouble teens, abusive relationship..off to therapy. We tend to send our troubles off to a therapist as if it is the magic solution that will make all of our worries disappear. What can therapy actually do for us however? Watching Dr. Phil yesterday, there was a father and daughter who were estranged because the father had given money to his son and had not given any money to his daughter.  The daughter was angry at her Dad for using up what she considered to be her "inheritance" on her brother. Dr. Phil as usual kept trying to get her to tell him the real reason she was angry with Dad since she continually insisted it wasn't about the money.
Ironically an attorney was called in to explain that Dad's money was Dad's money and he was free to do with it what he wanted. an "inheritance" does not become an inheritance until after ones death. Bascially this lawyer was telling the daughter she had no rights to Dad's cash while he was alive and couldn't tell him how to spend it.
Did Dr. Phil need to get involved in that arguement? Was therapy the answer here? NO.  This young woman had an entitlement mentality which in this climate is not unusual and caused her to completely disown her own  father because of rights she perceived she had which were being violated.
This woman didn't need therapy, she need a smack! The lawyer verbally did just that as Dr. Phil stood there applauding.

Sometimes therapy alone is not the answer, but a good dose of reality can be. The troubled teen who goes to jail for a day to see what their life will be like if they don't straighten up. Maybe the couple in the bad marriage simple need a break from one another for a while to learn to appreciate what they have. While I am not knocking the use of therapy in these matter, sometimes another approach is not the worst thing. We set ourselves up for failure if we believe all of our worries can be cured with 40 minute sessions once a week. Sometimes we need to look at other avenues in order to improve our lives.

Is Therapy the Answer?

Bad marriage, trouble teens, abusive relationship..off to therapy. We tend to send our troubles off to a therapist as if it is the magic solution that will make all of our worries disappear. What can therapy actually do for us however? Watching Dr. Phil yesterday, there was a father and daughter who were estranged because the father had given money to his son and had not given any money to his daughter.  The daughter was angry at her Dad for using up what she considered to be her "inheritance" on her brother. Dr. Phil as usual kept trying to get her to tell him the real reason she was angry with Dad since she continually insisted it wasn't about the money.
Ironically an attorney was called in to explain that Dad's money was Dad's money and he was free to do with it what he wanted. an "inheritance" does not become an inheritance until after ones death. Bascially this lawyer was telling the daughter she had no rights to Dad's cash while he was alive and couldn't tell him how to spend it.
Did Dr. Phil need to get involved in that arguement? Was therapy the answer here? NO.  This young woman had an entitlement mentality which in this climate is not unusual and caused her to completely disown her own  father because of rights she perceived she had which were being violated.
This woman didn't need therapy, she need a smack! The lawyer verbally did just that as Dr. Phil stood there applauding.

Sometimes therapy alone is not the answer, but a good dose of reality can be. The troubled teen who goes to jail for a day to see what their life will be like if they don't straighten up. Maybe the couple in the bad marriage simple need a break from one another for a while to learn to appreciate what they have. While I am not knocking the use of therapy in these matter, sometimes another approach is not the worst thing. We set ourselves up for failure if we believe all of our worries can be cured with 40 minute sessions once a week. Sometimes we need to look at other avenues in order to improve our lives.

SO MUM THINKS SHE KNOWS BEST

I hear that a survey published today purportedly suggests that some 63% of mothers wish their children had married someone else. Now not only could that provide a statistical basis for all those old mother-in-law jokes but also a reason why so many marriages crumble under the weight of relentless family pressure and asides. There comes a time, especially once married, when we have to learn to stand on our own two feet, make our own decisions and live with them, not with our mothers.