AN ENGLISHMAN'S HOME IS HIS CASTLE

It is often said that “An Englishman’s home is his castle” (although unlike MPs the rest of us can’t claim to have our moats or even drains cleaned at the taxpayers’ expense). So it is that, when a relationship ends, invariably the hardest asset to sort, and to which so many of us are emotionally attached, is the home. Whether it be the inside living space to which we have applied paint and creative thought, the hours spent growing the garden or the nostalgic memories of happy times within its walls, all serve to increase the attachment.

But what if the mortgage is too large, the repair bill huge, the equity is needed to provide two homes, or the living space too much for one person? Regrettably and as a result there can be no choice but to let go. The castle has to be sold and both of its occupants move on.

That, of course, is the tradition with castles. North Yorkshire, where I live, is scattered with proud ruins, each with its own history of ransacking and battles, particularly from the continuous skirmishes during the Wars of the Roses. Drawbridges, moats, cannonballs and even boiling oil poured from the ramparts never proved themselves as total defences when seeking to ward off an onslaught for possession. It's no different in the divorce courts.

It's Your Timeline

When you are separated from someone that you loved, it is difficult, no matter what the circumstances. Even if you left them, even if they did something heinous, you are still in mourning. Most people find that when they make the separation, a lot of people in their effort to support them encourage them to "move on" or "let go." Great ideas and advice, in theory, but the truth is that the

Mediation or Not

A former mediation consult came in to see me today to discuss the mediation agreement she had prepared with another attorney and asked me to review it on her behalf. Of course I asked the obvious as to why she didn't hire me to do the mediation. Her response was that her husband didn't think I would be impartial and would favor her. I guess being a woman and all threw him off!

I advised her that he was very foolish in that now I was free to advocate on her behalf now that I was being hired as an advocate. Interestingly enough the mediator he felt most comfortable with was a male attorney who has been practicing only about a handful of years as opposed to my over twenty year experience.

So we can break this down as saying her husband felt comfortable with a less knowledgeable male attorney as opposed to a more experienced female attorney because he thought I would favor his wife!

Mediation really isn't about taking sides, it is taking the facts and getting the parties to come to their own agreement. The suggestions I make are usually gender neutral and tend to help both sides. It is really in my best interest to make sure both sides are happy with my representation and recommend me to others in like situations.
In this case I bet the husband has been congratulating himself for the past few months on choosing the correct mediation forum. Yes, I do find this amusing instead of disturbing because now when he finds out I am advising his wife he will probably lose his mind.

Mediation or Not

A former mediation consult came in to see me today to discuss the mediation agreement she had prepared with another attorney and asked me to review it on her behalf. Of course I asked the obvious as to why she didn't hire me to do the mediation. Her response was that her husband didn't think I would be impartial and would favor her. I guess being a woman and all threw him off!

I advised her that he was very foolish in that now I was free to advocate on her behalf now that I was being hired as an advocate. Interestingly enough the mediator he felt most comfortable with was a male attorney who has been practicing only about a handful of years as opposed to my over twenty year experience.

So we can break this down as saying her husband felt comfortable with a less knowledgeable male attorney as opposed to a more experienced female attorney because he thought I would favor his wife!

Mediation really isn't about taking sides, it is taking the facts and getting the parties to come to their own agreement. The suggestions I make are usually gender neutral and tend to help both sides. It is really in my best interest to make sure both sides are happy with my representation and recommend me to others in like situations.
In this case I bet the husband has been congratulating himself for the past few months on choosing the correct mediation forum. Yes, I do find this amusing instead of disturbing because now when he finds out I am advising his wife he will probably lose his mind.

IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH

Frequently little incidents in our lives can act as metaphors for life generally. This blog is full of them but here is another instance:

My family and I are renowned for indulging in what others might describe as team building through adversity. The recent Bank Holiday weekend was no exception. It was our first weekend spent sailing this calendar year and we set off with high expectations and the promise from the forecasters of splendid weather. Needless to say it was raining when we arrived and we promptly postponed our departure until the following morning. It dawned bright but breezy and we headed out of the harbour mouth in anticipation of perfect sailing conditions. Instead we were met by lumpy seas and squalls from the hills providing most unpleasant conditions, which I confess finally caused me to call for the bucket. At least our passage was fast and we reached our destination within 4 hours, only for Outdoor Man to announce that there was too much of a swell to anchor and we would instead head for another bay, 3 hours’ sail away!

It’s at times like these that you begin to appreciate how mutinies arise and, for more than a moment, the prospect of actually walking the gang-plank and bailing out, seemed very attractive. I didn’t; we all pulled together or even the ropes, and when we did reach that bay, it was idyllic, the sea state smooth and the sun shining.

NATIONAL FAMILY WEEK

Next week is National Family Week (you watch, there’ll be greetings cards for it in years to come). Families, of course, come in all shapes and sizes, and the end of a relationship doesn’t have to result in the breakdown of a family.

At Latimer Hinks, I see separating parents daily who desperately want to help their children to deal with the effects of divorce and separation, but they often don’t know where to turn for information, advice or support. Resolution, the national family lawyers association, has developed its “Parenting after Parting” initiative, which aims to help separating parents through this difficult time with advice and information on how to talk to children about divorce or separation. Help is available online at www.resolution.org.uk/parentingafterparting

NAVIGATIONAL HAZARD

It was reported today that the sat-nav system could break down within the next year. I hazard to guess that, if it does, numerous marriages will follow. Outdoor Man and I get along famously until he wants directions in the car. He accuses me of being unable to read a map; I accuse him of not knowing his right from his left; he ignores my instructions then asks me to point; I hit his nose when doing so. Sounds familiar?

Certainly there are countless couples who will say that the lady hidden in the computer on the dashboard has saved their marriage. Even Outdoor Man never gets upset when she insists he makes U-turns that he has no intention of executing. Moreover, when she gets really irritated with him, he just turns her off; you can’t do that so easily with your wife!

GUILTY OF FRAUD

The first step in seeking to negotiate a financial and property settlement as a result of the breakdown in a marriage or civil partnership is to make a full and frank disclosure of means. Generally, whether matters are resolved by consent, mediation, or court order, a prescribed questionnaire known as Form E is used. One section of the form deals with “income needs,” where all current and future expenditure should be listed. In many cases, however, this can degenerate very much into an impossible wish list.

There was an occasion, once upon a time, when such a form completed by a client’s spouse was served on me. Annual income needs included:
£2,200 to clean moat around castle
£16,000 for mortgage interest payments on a mortgage that had been redeemed before separation
£0.59 for a chocolate Santa Claus
£304 to maintain a swimming pool
£25,000 for security patrols
£1400 for chauffeur
£600 for hanging baskets
£312 for mock Tudor boards for house exterior
£2.22 for nappies (for an adult?)
£126,648 for expenses in respect of a new partner’s flat
£0.05 for a carrier bag
£115 plus VAT for 25 light bulbs
£112.52 to refit toilet seat
£1.50 for Ikea napkins
£2,499 for a TV set
£40 for a court summons for non-payment of Council Tax
£0.38 for one Muller crunch yoghurt
£6 for dust bags for vacuum cleaner

“Delusional,” my client explained. “He thinks he’s a Member of Parliament.”

“Whoever commits a fraud is guilty not only of the particular injury to him who he deceives, but of the diminution of that confidence which constitutes not only the ease but the existence of society.” Samuel Johnson

JUNGLE BEAT

So Katie Price, aka Jordan, and her husband, Peter Andre have separated. The couple met on a reality TV show in the jungle, under the glare of both cameras and Ant and Dec. Hardly an auspicious start to a relationship you might think. However it is only after several years, a wedding, two children and a few million in the bank that the couple have decided to call it a day. Or, as the press reports seem to indicate, that Peter has called time citing his wife’s behaviour and she has fled taking the children with her.

What everyone really wants to know, however, is whether, when Katie left, she uttered the immortal words: “I’m a celebrity, get me out of here…”

Another One Bites the Dust

Since the inception of our practice some 14 years ago we have had one ongoing issue involving staffing. I have spoken to other small businesses and we are certainly not alone in this endeavor, good staff is hard to find and harder to keep. Even when you think you have good staff it sometimes turns out that their life span in the workplace is limited for many reasons.
The practice of matrimonial law in particular does not lend itself to a stress free environment. The nature of the work involves unhappy people, hard due dates and crazy cases. I thought I had established a fool proof way of hiring by warning the potential hirees about the practice and also about my own flawed nature.
I admit to being a type A personality. I also admit to being a control freak and quick tempered among my many virtues. I do value family time however, and am very liberal with time off and flex time for my staff to attend to their children and families. I also believe that our office is a nice place to work. Just don't screw up. And if you do screw up, admit to it, fix it if you can and suck it up when you get yelled at.
Simple and rather quick, I will usually not be angry for long and all will be right with the world. The fact that I come from an Italian family where yelling was our normal volume, and even saying I love you was said in a scream, I am continually stunned by the temperamental flowers who pass through these doors denying accountability and tearfully telling my partner what a monster I am.
After 14 years he now just shakes his head as they apologize to HIM but explain that they really cannot work with the tyrant who runs the place.

Funny how 14 years ago when we first started the practice and were still feeling our way as to who would be in charge of what, it was he who made the staff cry at regular intervals with his sarcasm and flip remarks. I therefore took over the role as office manager and he handled the finances. I choose to remind him of that whenever someone leaves because of me.

Most times I do not take it personally, people don't ever leave for one reason, usually there are a whole list of things preceding an event such as this, but it really is once again easier to blame someone else than to accept it yourself. Also I usually have a feel it is coming before it actually occurs. Yes, I am demanding, of my staff as well as myself. That is what makes our firm the success that it is.
NOTICE:
If you can't handle pressure, or a boss that demands perfection and some occasional yelling please do not apply.

Another One Bites the Dust

Since the inception of our practice some 14 years ago we have had one ongoing issue involving staffing. I have spoken to other small businesses and we are certainly not alone in this endeavor, good staff is hard to find and harder to keep. Even when you think you have good staff it sometimes turns out that their life span in the workplace is limited for many reasons.
The practice of matrimonial law in particular does not lend itself to a stress free environment. The nature of the work involves unhappy people, hard due dates and crazy cases. I thought I had established a fool proof way of hiring by warning the potential hirees about the practice and also about my own flawed nature.
I admit to being a type A personality. I also admit to being a control freak and quick tempered among my many virtues. I do value family time however, and am very liberal with time off and flex time for my staff to attend to their children and families. I also believe that our office is a nice place to work. Just don't screw up. And if you do screw up, admit to it, fix it if you can and suck it up when you get yelled at.
Simple and rather quick, I will usually not be angry for long and all will be right with the world. The fact that I come from an Italian family where yelling was our normal volume, and even saying I love you was said in a scream, I am continually stunned by the temperamental flowers who pass through these doors denying accountability and tearfully telling my partner what a monster I am.
After 14 years he now just shakes his head as they apologize to HIM but explain that they really cannot work with the tyrant who runs the place.

Funny how 14 years ago when we first started the practice and were still feeling our way as to who would be in charge of what, it was he who made the staff cry at regular intervals with his sarcasm and flip remarks. I therefore took over the role as office manager and he handled the finances. I choose to remind him of that whenever someone leaves because of me.

Most times I do not take it personally, people don't ever leave for one reason, usually there are a whole list of things preceding an event such as this, but it really is once again easier to blame someone else than to accept it yourself. Also I usually have a feel it is coming before it actually occurs. Yes, I am demanding, of my staff as well as myself. That is what makes our firm the success that it is.
NOTICE:
If you can't handle pressure, or a boss that demands perfection and some occasional yelling please do not apply.

EASY DOES IT

easyJet Boeing 737 (G-EZYI) taking off from Bristol Airport (England).Photographed by Adrian Pingstone in September 2003 and released to the public domain

Last week Easy Jet announced that it is looking to organise weddings in the sky. It did little to appease those of the mind that marriage is too easy and divorce difficult. Imagine how things might be if Easy Jet responds to the criticism with details of divorce flights:

This is the pre-boarding announcement for the flight to Decree Absolute. We are now inviting those passengers with children (whose interests are, of course, paramount), and any passengers requiring special assistance such as public funding, to begin boarding at this time. Please have your marriage certificate and identification for money laundering checks ready. Regular boarding will begin in approximately ten minutes time. Thank you.

Welcome aboard this is your Cabin Steward speaking. Please fasten your seatbelts and secure all personal chattels, ready for exchange with or return to your spouse, in the overhead compartments or underneath the seat in front of you. Please direct your attention to the monitors above as we review the divorce procedure. There are six emergency exits on this aircraft. Take a moment to locate the exit closest to you. In the event of reconciliation, stay calm and listen for instructions from the cabin crew. Divorce decrees will drop down from above your seat. In the unlikely event of an emergency order and eviction, leave your carry-on items behind. While we wait for take off, please take a moment to review the draft petition in the seat pocket in front of you.

Good afternoon passengers. This is your captain speaking. First I'd like to welcome everyone on our Divorce Flight today. We are currently cruising at an altitude of 33,000 feet and will shortly be passing over territory where pre-nuptial agreements are recognised. Would passengers in possession of such please make themselves known to the cabin staff. The weather looks good and with a tailwind on our side we are expecting to land approximately ten minutes ahead of schedule. The cabin crew will be coming around in fifteen minutes time to offer you a light snack, and the in-flight film, which today is Kramer vs Kramer, will begin shortly after that. I'll talk to you again before your divorce is finalised. Until then, sit back, relax and enjoy the rest of the flight.

Oh dear, if the idea takes off, I’ll have to retrain as an airline pilot.

ALMOST POETRY

Flag of Italy image courtesy of 4 International Flags

Heard it on the radio:

Silvio and Ms Lario

are seeking a divorzio.

Money and Power

Why is money such a struggle for divorced parents? It has to do with the representation of power as it equates to the money.When couples divorce, they want to cut all their ties to one another. They want to be free and independant of the controls they felt the other had on them. Child support represents control. I have known a few people who not only took care of their children as financially

MENAGE A TROIS

Conscious that Prince Charles has just posted a video to YouTube with a frog in a starring role, I thought that I would go one better and upload this video. Local wildlife has been behaving in impulsive ways recently. I have toads burrowing in my compost bin; a cow in the field beyond my kitchen that keeps racing pheasants; a Mad March hare that tears round the same field albeit 2 months late; a deer that jumped out of a ditch into the path of my car yesterday and a hedgehog nesting in my front border. However if one ever needed a reminder as to how ugly life can get should you try to introduce a third party into a relationship just look at this video, taken outside our front gate by Apprentice Man.

CLE Crunch Time!

Every 2 years attorneys must register with the state and prove that they have taking the 24 credits required for continuing education. Every two years I forget about it until the 60 day mark when I receive my notice to register. Then I go into panic mode and need to get 24 credit hours on tape and cram before the deadline so I can register on time. Anyone who knows me would say that this is very unusual for me. The type A personality that I am would usually have done these requirements over the course of the two years(and in fact that is exactly what I used to do) and therefore not have to stress or cram when the notice arrived.

The older I get however, it seems the more disorganized I seem to get. The thought of sitting through seminars makes me cringe. Continuing education as a whole is totally unappealing to me. the patience and zeal I once had for the classroom has morphed into me now having the attention span of a flea. Although I could listen to lectures about the works of Michelangelo all day long, the thought of listening to other lawyers tell me the changes in the law brings on the shakes and the willies.

Thank goodness these courses are now available on Cd's so I can listen while in the office or the car or even torture my family during dinner with the droning on of the lecture series so I can get my credits. Listening intently for the code I need to prove I actually listened.

I really need to get more organized with this requirement....yeah...maybe next time.

CLE Crunch Time!

Every 2 years attorneys must register with the state and prove that they have taking the 24 credits required for continuing education. Every two years I forget about it until the 60 day mark when I receive my notice to register. Then I go into panic mode and need to get 24 credit hours on tape and cram before the deadline so I can register on time. Anyone who knows me would say that this is very unusual for me. The type A personality that I am would usually have done these requirements over the course of the two years(and in fact that is exactly what I used to do) and therefore not have to stress or cram when the notice arrived.

The older I get however, it seems the more disorganized I seem to get. The thought of sitting through seminars makes me cringe. Continuing education as a whole is totally unappealing to me. the patience and zeal I once had for the classroom has morphed into me now having the attention span of a flea. Although I could listen to lectures about the works of Michelangelo all day long, the thought of listening to other lawyers tell me the changes in the law brings on the shakes and the willies.

Thank goodness these courses are now available on Cd's so I can listen while in the office or the car or even torture my family during dinner with the droning on of the lecture series so I can get my credits. Listening intently for the code I need to prove I actually listened.

I really need to get more organized with this requirement....yeah...maybe next time.

A MINOR'S DIVORCE

Sometimes it’s easy to forget that there are countries in the world where some of the basic human rights that we take for granted are non-existent. Women remain second class citizens across the greater part of the globe and children are frequently regarded as little more than objects to raise funds. Take this appalling case of divorce involving a child of eight in Saudi Arabia. It seems that social pressure at least brought the husband in this case to do what we in the West would consider the decent thing but, in the meantime and until the age of marriage is raised legally in countries like Saudi, there are countless children effectively being sold into marriage on a daily basis. Who, more than them, should be able to say,"I don't know why I married him?" Who, more than them, should be entitled to seek a divorce if not avoid marriage in the first place.

ASSIST

This evening I have been to a committee meeting preparing for the launch of a new ladies’ networking group called Assist. One of the unique facets of the group is going to be its buddy or chaperone system, pairing one member up with another, to help and provide support where required. We’ve even come up with a special name for this entity of Proficiam from the Latin word proficiere meaning to assist.

There are many times in our lives when we need the help of someone, to lean on, aid and guide us. That’s why everyone should try to seek out a sensible, reliable person to assist them when they go through the trauma of separation. A friend or relative who will accompany you when you see your solicitor can be invaluable. A pal who will sit up with you when you want to unload late at night is very special. But that brave person who is prepared to be honest and subtle as well as supportive, is irreplaceable.