Divorce and Children

Oprah devoted an entire show to this topic recently with guest Gary Newuman who wrote the book: Helping your Kids Cope with Divorce
Here are some tips:

The Truth: How Kids Really Feel


"When you criticize your ex, you criticize your child." — Gary Neuman

Gary explains that it's the conflict between parents, not the actual divorce, that puts children at risk. Many parents don't realize the consequences of their actions, no matter how big or small.

Even in the best divorces, children feel that they are to blame.
Bad-mouthing your ex goes straight to the core of your child and destroys their self-esteem.
Even subtle body language like rolling your eyes or slamming the phone down affects children.
When parents involve children in custody or visitation decisions, it makes them feel insecure and unsafe.
It's a major red flag when children are afraid to express affection towards one parent in front of the other.
Not talking to your kids about your divorce can cause them to suppress their emotions and shutdown emotionally.

From the Mouths of Babes
Children often keep their deepest feelings hidden from their parents. See what happened when these kids opened up and told Gary Neuman about how they really feel when their parents argue, bad-mouth and blame each other.


7 Strategies—Talking to Your Kids


Divorce is painful for every member of the family, but children are especially vulnerable. Even great parents can get caught up in the anger and bitterness, and without knowing it, can say and do things that really hurt their children. Gary Neuman offers these ideas for talking about divorce with children:
Don't ask your kids to choose sides. Whether you come right out and ask them or subtly pressure them, you're putting them in the middle of your problems. They feel tremendous pressure and anxiety to please both parents, and they don't know what to say.
Don't say bad things about your ex. When you criticize your ex, you criticize your child. To their ears, you might as well be saying, "You're a rotten person."
Talk to your child about his or her feelings. When your child is feeling rejected by one parent or the other, help them talk about it, and help them understand that it's not their fault. Say, "It must be very sad for you not to have your (father's/mother's) attention. Adults make mistakes, and a lot of times they hurt the people they love the most. But that doesn't mean you did anything wrong."
Open the lines of communication. Don't just ask your kids how they're doing. You won't get a straight answer. Instead, say, "It sounds like you feel ________." Fill in the blank with words like "hurt," "sad," or whatever you think they feel. This gives kids permission to open up and say whatever they want.
Act like a parent. You are the adults in this situation. Let your kids know that you and your ex will make the decisions about how much time they spend with each of you. It's not something they need to worry about.
"It's not worth it." Make those words your mantra. The fighting, the name-calling, the ugliness—none of those things are worth the pain you're putting your kids through.
Admit your mistakes. Let your kids know what you have done wrong, whether in your marriage, or in dealing with the divorce, and make a new commitment to them.