LET'S GROW A LITTLE

The New Scientist today referred to research from Spain and the Netherlands which suggests that height can influence how jealous you feel. The research reveals that men, and more so the shorter they are, feel most nervous about rich, strong, attractive rivals.

Yesterday I mentioned that envy was one of the deadly sins that often appears amongst the particulars included in a divorce petition. I remember years ago, Bernice, a distant cousin, telling me how she had left her husband because he failed to give her any space to associate with friends; often in fits of jealousy followed her, even to work; checked her mobile phone every night for evidence of text messages; unreasonably attempted to control the clothes that she wore, simply to make her look unattractive. Bernice, of course, was a very good looking lady but I had never met her husband. I later heard on the family grapevine that they did reconcile but many years passed before I ever saw her again, this time at a family funeral with her husband. Guess what, he made me feel tall!

I don’t know to what extent this research is of any assistance to the divorce lawyer or the client but, purely in the interest of scientific research, I might now ask any client, who tells me of similar traits to those described by Bernice, if their spouse is short in stature. On second thoughts maybe I should just ask if there is actually a third party involved; there was in Bernice’s case and I hazard a guess that he was a lot taller than her husband.

Divorce Rage...

I spoke to a man the other day who is going through a tough divorce. After 30 years of marriage, his wife has left him for another man. This man is so enraged that he has considered hiring a hit man to do his wife in and also said he rather commit suicide rather than pay his wife alimony.

So what puts someone over the deep end during a divorce? I often say that people going through a divorce are temporarily insane. Emotions take over and perfectly normal, law abiding citizens become capable of acts they would of never dreamt possible. Let's face it, it hurts like hell to find out your spouse has cheated on you or wants to leave you. Feelings of betrayal and abandonment can overwhelm us.

Just the other day a 52 year old Tennessee woman burst into a crowded church with a gun, fired it and chased her soon to be ex-husband. Obviously this woman was in a blind rage and all rational thinking went out the window. Her out of control behavior maybe an extreme example of how divorce rage can destroy lives, but everyday restraining orders are filed against spouses who cannot control their emotions during divorce.

So how can you cool down and gain control when anger and frustration rear their ugly head during your divorce?

The key is to let it out. Do not try and bottle up your emotions, you will only explode later on. Feel the rage and the hurt and deal with it when it comes up. Punch a pillow, scream or call a friend and vent. Do not act on your impulses. Force yourself to stop and think before taking action. Anything you do to interrupt yourself during a fit of anger is good. During my own divorce, my husband's mistress called my eldest daughter a slut on the phone. You can only imagine the anger and rage I was feeling at her when I found out. I stopped, took a deep breath and then poured myself a glass of wine. I knew that if I had a drink I would be unable to drive and would not confront her. It worked. I was able to calm down instead of react.

Maintaining control during your divorce is imperative, but not easy. Acting out in anger and frustration can only lead to trouble. Calm down, take a step back and stay in control. Eventually the angry feelings will lessen and you will be at peace once again.

THE FOURTEEN DEADLY SINS

The seven deadly sins are: pride, envy, gluttony, lust, anger, greed and sloth. These are all known to divorce lawyers as the basis for drafting divorce petitions on either adultery or unreasonable behaviour. The Vatican has, however, now added to the list with seven new mortal sins, namely: environmental pollution, genetic manipulation, accumulating excessive wealth, inflicting poverty, drug trafficking and consumption, morally debatable experiments and the violation of fundamental human rights. I can’t wait to draft my first “green” petition for say fly-tipping by a multi millionaire.

Who Gets The House? A Growing Problem For Divorcing Couples..

We are all aware of the real estate market conditions and how difficult it can be now to sell a home. There is also the issue of those adjustable rate mortgages and many families facing foreclosure because high mortgage payments they cannot afford.

So how does this affect you during a divorce? Dividing assets, primary the family home, has now become much more complicated. Here is one problem. Let's assume the husband and wife divide the martial assets so that the wife and kids get the family home. Both of their names are currently on the mortgage with the agreement that the husband's name will be removed from the mortgage a few months after the divorce is final.

When the wife attempts to get new financing on the home, she is rejected by lenders. She cannot qualify with her income and credit rating alone. Her husband remains on the mortgage and now he cannot purchase a new home. He also worries that his credit rating will be negatively impacted should his wife stop making the mortgage payments. A real life example is a divorced Virgina woman who is facing possible jail time for contempt of court because she has been unable to remove her ex-husband's name off the mortgage. She has been repeatedly rejected by mortgage lenders and has been unable to sell the home. Her ex-husband wants the court to force her to sell the home at a public auction.

This is a serious problem facing many divorced couples in the U.S today. Make sure to find out if you qualify for a new mortgage before accepting the family home in your divorce settlement. You may want to sell the home instead and rent.

LAPTOP BETWEEN THE SHEETS

A poll by the Sleep Council (click here for the BBC report) has revealed that checking texts, surfing the Internet and playing computer games in bed before we go to sleep is growing in popularity and that 1 in 4 of us now sleeps in a separate bed to our partner. Not because of computer games surely. Now I know that in California a woman recently succeeded in divorcing her husband because of his addiction to one computer game in particular (to see John Bolch’s Family Lore Blog on that issue click here), but that’s not happening here in the UK yet, is it?

The survey was presumably confined to adults, so my finding Little Girl snuggled up with her Nintendo DS under the duvet the other night clearly doesn’t count.

Now come on, all adults surely know that beds are meant for 3 things: sleep, snoring and another also beginning with S and if you don’t know what that is then you either shouldn’t be married or alternatively may qualify for an annulment on the grounds of non-consummation, but let’s not get too legal here.

To suggest that we are now lying awake until the early hours checking our Facebook profiles or playing with X boxes in the bedroom defies belief.

My experience as a divorce lawyer allows me to accept separate beds but not because of technology. As Outdoor Man remarked when we were discussing this article, “You can bring your laptop to bed and update your blog every night, if it will stop you snoring!”

COHABITATION LAW REFORM - DELAY MEANS FURTHER INJUSTICES

The Government’s announcement yesterday that it will delay acting on the Law Commission’s proposals for the introduction of legal protection for couples who live together, means continued distress and hardship when their relationships end.

Findings from the British Social Attitudes Survey published by the National Centre for Social Research in January 2008 back the case for urgent reform of the law.

“The government is seriously out of step with public opinion on this issue if it does not act now. The British Social Attitudes Survey revealed that nine out of ten people think that a cohabiting partner should have a right to financial provision if their relationship is a long-term one, includes children and has involved prioritising one partner’s career over the other’s,” said Jane Craig, a member of Resolution’s Cohabitation Committee.

“The present law creates real injustice for many people. Our members frequently see people who face financial hardship and even homelessness as a result of the current law. Any further delay inevitably means further injustice for some people,” said Jane Craig.

The British Social Attitudes Survey revealed widespread confusion over what protection couples that live together have under the law, with 51 per cent of people still believing that cohabiting couples have rights as “common law” spouses – but no such right exists.

A government-funded awareness campaign in 2004 clearly failed to get the message across sufficiently that living together does not provide cohabiting couples with financial rights if their relationship ends, even if they have lived together for many years and have had children together. Instead, these couples face increased insecurity and distress at the time of relationship break up.

At the request of the Government the Law Commission consulted widely on this issue and its proposals for legal reform were published on 31 July 2007.

“The Government must and should act now to ensure an end to the injustices and vulnerability created by the present law,” said Jane Craig.

How Kids Get Screwed Up During Divorce...

The latest celebrity divorce causality is the 17 year old son of Hulk Hogan and his wife Linda. The Hogan's divorce is becoming increasingly hostile and now both parties are asking the court that the other party be forbidden from speaking about the divorce to their son. In a motion filed by Linda Bollea(the Hogan's real last name), she claims that Terry Bollea (Hulk Hogan) has discussed in detail with his son what Bollea thinks are good reasons for selling the family's $7.2 million Clearwater home. Linda Bollea is currently living there with Nick, and does not wish to sell the property.

"The Husband has ... told the minor child that that the sale of the marital home will ensure the best result with regard to the minor child's pending criminal case, as well as the Husband's anticipated personal injury lawsuit," the motion says. In his own filing, Hulk Hogan accuses his wife of "highly emotional and degrading outbursts as well as ... derogatory descriptions of the Husband in the presence of the minor child."

You can only imagine what the young 17 year old Nick Bollea is feeling right now, being torn between his two parents. Sadly, many divorcing couples get so caught up in the battle with their ex, that the kids are swept into the drama. If you are going through a divorce, do not ask your kids to relay information to your spouse. Do not ask your kids to spy on your spouse either. As difficult as it may be, do not bad mouth your soon to be ex in front of your kids.

I know if is easier said then done, I have been there myself during my own divorce. Divorce has a way of bringing out the worst in people. Divorcing couples often border on being temporarily insane. All logic goes out the window and emotion takes over.That is why it is important that you take a step back and put aside your hurt and anger. Put the kids first. If you and your spouse set ground rules concerning the kids early on during the divorce, you can minimize the emotional trauma to your kids. Keep the kids out of it and you can safeguard their emotional well being.