Delayed Divorce Reactions:Choices

Often times when we are in the throws of divorce, we are faced to make choices. Sometimes these choices are not choices we should be making at the time. Often times we are so consumed with emotion that we are unable to make sane, rational changes. That happened to me many years ago and I am here to tell you that all this time, I am being affected. I do not want you to live this and so I am

I have some great news. SWWAN (Single Working Women's Affiliate Network) is holding a series of online workshops from August 2- August 8th and my readers are invited to attend for free!

You won't want to miss "Secrets You Wish Your Mom Told You". 8 experts will talk about solving real-life issues--stuff you can take home and use immediately in your everyday life.

Pick your topic or topics, and when you register, SWWAN will give you a 100% discount--you'll get your sessions free (except for a 99 cent ticket fee).

When you register, use the code "speaker" (no quotes) to get your discount. Go to:

http://budurl.com/qdjd

Here are some of the exciting presentations that you will have access to:

* "How to Write a Whole-Brain Resume" - Cat Thompson, video star and guru to the modern woman. Make your resume about REAL you. * "Living Fearlessly" - Michelle Kunz, owner of PEL Coaching, opera star, and advisor to the SWWAN Foundation. Learn how to conquer fears that get in your way.

* "The Emotion behind Money" - Julie Murphy Casserly, owner of JMC Wealth Management and author of the book, The Emotion behind Money. Learn how flawed beliefs about money can keep you from getting all you want.

* "How to Use Social Media for Marketing and Profit" - Chris King, owner of Creative Keys, publisher of Portfolio Potpourri, and professional storyteller. Demystify Twitter, LinkedIn and Facebook.

* "Surprising Truths about Being Single in the Workplace" - Dr. Karen Gail Lewis, provider of unique women's retreats and author of "With or Without a Man." Learn how to deal with hidden prejudices that keep you back.

* "Pursuit of Power through Networking" - Katrell Mendenhall,entertainment rerporter/writer and Founder of 100% Woman. Learn to develop personal power by networking the right way.

* "How to Package Yourself for Success Online" - Paula Constantino, founder of 1000 Women Can Change the World and the Women's Support Team . You already have skills that can make you money. Learn an easy way to package them into a product you can sell online. * "How to keep more of what you make in your home-based business" - Tina Frizzell-Jenkins. A home-based accountant tells all the secrets she's learned in 20 years.

Dates, times, course descriptions, and info about these dynamic experts are at:
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A SCENIC DETOUR

The annual summer holiday can put enormous pressures on families. Cloistered together in an unfamiliar environment the vacation in paradise can quickly turn into the holiday from hell. Last week we’d planned to sail around Scotland’s Western Isles. Outdoor Man, however, was quick to recognise that a hostile weather forecast could result in domestic disharmony and an uncomfortable time for all. A quick search using the Internet found us making a scenic detour by air to Andalucía instead. There we occupied a villa in the hills some 15 minutes from Nerja. Sitting in a mango grove, amidst a Spanish heat wave when temperatures on the Costa del Sol hit 42 degrees; no air conditioning and all the local bug life to contend with; how do you ensure that everyone continues to speak civilly to each other and you return to the UK with family life intact?

Here are my tips:

1. Keep reminding everyone they could be sailing in rain, wind and mist instead.


2. Use the pool frequently and preferably bring only one piece of flotation equipment for interest. That way everyone interacts trying to get to it.


3. Don’t lecture when someone leaves crumbs in the kitchen and the ant armies invade. Just sweep them in a line to the transgressor’s bed and he won’t do it again.


4. Hire the most underpowered car available that way it takes twice as long to get to the supermarket but on the basis that it has a climate control switch everyone cools down in the process.


5. If things get really bad, hide the return air tickets and then offer them as rewards for good behaviour.

We had an idyllic week, honestly!

With the school summer holidays upon us however many children whose parents have separated spend longer periods with or away from one or both parents. It can be difficult to think about not seeing children for weeks at a time, and the changes of routine can create stress for your kids too. Here are Resolution’s tips:

• Talk to the other parent about plans. If you disagree, make the best of things and focus on what is best for your children.


• Plan ahead. How would you like to spend time with your children and what can you do to prepare them for holidays and special occasions?


• Instead of informing children about plans, talk with them about how they would like to spend time with you.


• Build in quality time with low-key activities like visiting the park, reading a book together or playing a game. Too many exciting activities can overwhelm children and tire them out.


• Support your child’s relationship with your ex.


• If travelling with the kids, give the other parent contact information and details – you both have a right to know where your children are.


• Help children maintain consistent contact with the other parent by phone or email. Remember that children may miss their other parent.


• When your children are with the other parent, use your time to get refreshed. Visit friends, take a class, read a book or enjoy a lazy day.
  
  For more parental advice from Resolution click here
  

Pass the Salt and By the Way I Quit

Speaking to other employers I am well aware that I am not the only one who has trouble finding good people to work in my office. The trouble begins when you hire someone you know is mediocre at best and hope that the person can grow into the job even though you know it may be beyond their reach. Such has been the case with the last few individuals I hired. The last person who claimed to have 16 years of law office experience albeit not in the matrimonial world started out quite promising. There was excitement in the office that maybe, even though she seemed a bit quirky on the interview that this individual could in fact do the job. This last employee thought it quite proper to give me her notice over lunch one day informing me that she had found a better job with benefits and could only give me a few days notice. Good riddance to this woman who could barely get through the day without making some ridiculous comment about the number of individuals getting divorced.....this comment made to a divorce attorney in a law office. Where did she think those getting divorced would call?

I always try to get someone in who seems like they will work well together with the rest of the staff. One would think in this job market we would get flooded with resumes from individuals looking for a job. Such has not been the case. Where are all these unemployed individuals we have all been reading about? Where are all these workers willing to learn any skill necessary in order to support their families?

The employees who do apply for the position come in with a very demanding attitude and an entitlement mentality asking for salaries that are outrageous without any experience to back up their requests.

Why should this surprise me when droves of individuals can be seen on lines at the unemployment office accepting checks without consequences or restrictions. Benefits are routinely extended without reason and are granted indiscriminately even to those who have left of their own volition or were fired for cause. One of our passed secretaries moved to Florida and was granted unemployment benefits because she said the economy in NY forced her to move out until we fought the claim proving she had sold assets here and should have been able to find gainful employment. Another employee was fired for cause, excessive absences and the unemployment office found that she too was entitled to benefits.

No wonder the unemployment rate is so high, everyone is given the benefit without having to work. Until something is done about this travesty we call unemployment benefits there will be no incentive for any of these people to re-enter the workforce. It is time to force these individuals to get on their feet even if that means taking a job which they feel is "beneath them." Where is the work ethic from years past when individuals such as my father took any job available from pumping gas to sweeping floors in a factory just to provide for his family.

Keep all this in mind when you call my office....competent help is very hard to find.

Pass the Salt and By the Way I Quit

Speaking to other employers I am well aware that I am not the only one who has trouble finding good people to work in my office. The trouble begins when you hire someone you know is mediocre at best and hope that the person can grow into the job even though you know it may be beyond their reach. Such has been the case with the last few individuals I hired. The last person who claimed to have 16 years of law office experience albeit not in the matrimonial world started out quite promising. There was excitement in the office that maybe, even though she seemed a bit quirky on the interview that this individual could in fact do the job. This last employee thought it quite proper to give me her notice over lunch one day informing me that she had found a better job with benefits and could only give me a few days notice. Good riddance to this woman who could barely get through the day without making some ridiculous comment about the number of individuals getting divorced.....this comment made to a divorce attorney in a law office. Where did she think those getting divorced would call?

I always try to get someone in who seems like they will work well together with the rest of the staff. One would think in this job market we would get flooded with resumes from individuals looking for a job. Such has not been the case. Where are all these unemployed individuals we have all been reading about? Where are all these workers willing to learn any skill necessary in order to support their families?

The employees who do apply for the position come in with a very demanding attitude and an entitlement mentality asking for salaries that are outrageous without any experience to back up their requests.

Why should this surprise me when droves of individuals can be seen on lines at the unemployment office accepting checks without consequences or restrictions. Benefits are routinely extended without reason and are granted indiscriminately even to those who have left of their own volition or were fired for cause. One of our passed secretaries moved to Florida and was granted unemployment benefits because she said the economy in NY forced her to move out until we fought the claim proving she had sold assets here and should have been able to find gainful employment. Another employee was fired for cause, excessive absences and the unemployment office found that she too was entitled to benefits.

No wonder the unemployment rate is so high, everyone is given the benefit without having to work. Until something is done about this travesty we call unemployment benefits there will be no incentive for any of these people to re-enter the workforce. It is time to force these individuals to get on their feet even if that means taking a job which they feel is "beneath them." Where is the work ethic from years past when individuals such as my father took any job available from pumping gas to sweeping floors in a factory just to provide for his family.

Keep all this in mind when you call my office....competent help is very hard to find.

WIFE

Last night I went to listen to Professor Germaine Greer speak.

“Wife,” she began, “is a reviled 4 letter word. Whoever wants to be one?”

She then presented us with a conundrum.

“But why is it that every little girl wants to be a bride and thinks herself a failure if she hasn’t married by her mid-twenties? Wherever do girls get that idea of failure from? It certainly isn’t from their mothers!”

How Much Justice Can One Afford

In negotiating three very different cases yesterday, as usual the stumbling block centered around the all mighty dollar. We were at one number and the adversary was at another number. In all three cases the numbers were close but could make a lifestyle difference of some significance to the party having to pay the higher amount. In one case the arguments involved arrears which were to be paid from house money held in escrow. The problem arising from the fact that there wasn't enough money in escrow to satisfy all of the bills plus the arrears and have either party walk out with any additional funds. The second case involved a maintenance award of a few hundred dollars a month which amounted to less than the cost of a trial if the issue needed to be pursued, and the third involved a couple who made no money between them and were arguing over who would get to keep which over mortgaged asset.

Luckily each case had adversaries who felt as I did that a trial on these issues would not resolve either of our client's woes and in fact increase their legal obligations to us to numbers which would assure we would never get paid for the work we would need to do.

In each case I explained to my client the cost of the additional litigation which would be needed to have a judge decide the issue and in each case it was noted that the cost of the litigation far exceeded the expected result. How much justice can one afford is usually the ending questioning here and even if you can afford it, is the price and the ongoing litigation worth it? To some the answer is clearly yes, and I know many attorneys who would not even give their clients a real choice but merely push for the fee and move toward trial. Frankly, I am tired of not getting paid for my efforts. One case in particular where I felt very sorry for my client and worked and worked on the case without pushing for a payment plan and never stopped work because of the bill ended up with a debt of over $12000.00. The client's son was in my child's class and the case so outraged me that I continued on it and to this day the mother has failed to make a dent in the bill at all. I am tired of hearing the line "you know my situation" Well guess what? They should also know my situation, I need to pay my bills as well and can't do that if I continually work for free. As I have said in my posts many times, the number of individuals who expect lawyers to take cases for free boggles my mind. Especially when financial times hard, I have heard from fellow practitioners that they are also experiencing the same entitlement mentality from new incoming clients. Sorry this is not a pro bono business, we are not a not for profit organization. If you can't afford to continue to a trial you had better consider a settlement and move on with life.

How Much Justice Can One Afford

In negotiating three very different cases yesterday, as usual the stumbling block centered around the all mighty dollar. We were at one number and the adversary was at another number. In all three cases the numbers were close but could make a lifestyle difference of some significance to the party having to pay the higher amount. In one case the arguments involved arrears which were to be paid from house money held in escrow. The problem arising from the fact that there wasn't enough money in escrow to satisfy all of the bills plus the arrears and have either party walk out with any additional funds. The second case involved a maintenance award of a few hundred dollars a month which amounted to less than the cost of a trial if the issue needed to be pursued, and the third involved a couple who made no money between them and were arguing over who would get to keep which over mortgaged asset.

Luckily each case had adversaries who felt as I did that a trial on these issues would not resolve either of our client's woes and in fact increase their legal obligations to us to numbers which would assure we would never get paid for the work we would need to do.

In each case I explained to my client the cost of the additional litigation which would be needed to have a judge decide the issue and in each case it was noted that the cost of the litigation far exceeded the expected result. How much justice can one afford is usually the ending questioning here and even if you can afford it, is the price and the ongoing litigation worth it? To some the answer is clearly yes, and I know many attorneys who would not even give their clients a real choice but merely push for the fee and move toward trial. Frankly, I am tired of not getting paid for my efforts. One case in particular where I felt very sorry for my client and worked and worked on the case without pushing for a payment plan and never stopped work because of the bill ended up with a debt of over $12000.00. The client's son was in my child's class and the case so outraged me that I continued on it and to this day the mother has failed to make a dent in the bill at all. I am tired of hearing the line "you know my situation" Well guess what? They should also know my situation, I need to pay my bills as well and can't do that if I continually work for free. As I have said in my posts many times, the number of individuals who expect lawyers to take cases for free boggles my mind. Especially when financial times hard, I have heard from fellow practitioners that they are also experiencing the same entitlement mentality from new incoming clients. Sorry this is not a pro bono business, we are not a not for profit organization. If you can't afford to continue to a trial you had better consider a settlement and move on with life.

WHAT'S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT?

“What’s Love Got to Do with It” is the title of new research published by the Australian National University. It is reported that the study identifies factors that lead to couples separating and based on the couples tracked these include :

Wizened prunes or where a husband is more than 9 years older than his wife.

Parental example where one of the couple’s parents separated .

Ashtrays or where one of the couple smokes and the other does not.

Surprisingly factors which appeared to have less effect than assumed, included unemployment, children and a wife’s employment status.

All of which would lead me to believe that any influx of clients as a perceived result of the economic downturn, is more likely to be because one of them has taken to smoking to try to help cope with the situation, turned into a mature wrinkly in the process and/or been comforted by or taken advice from the older generation.

A TIME FOR REFLECTION

It was with a sense of déjà vu that I read reports about the Conservative party’s new think tank proposals calling for a compulsory three month period for reflection before a separating couple can begin divorce proceedings. Moreover, before and during marriage a couple, whilst not being compelled, would instead be strongly encouraged to attend some kind of relationship classes.

Somewhere along the way there must be statistics on what percentage of separated couples commences divorce proceedings within 3 months. In my experience, it is only after much soul searching and often counselling that people proceed. The only immediate grounds for divorce in this country remain adultery or unreasonable behaviour and any person who commences proceedings quickly invariably does so in circumstances that they feel to be fully justified. Moreover, the first three months are generally spent exploring arrangements arising from the separation, including financially and in relation to the children.

Divorce is a piece of paper that allows someone to remarry and for most separating couples is therefore of little consequence to begin with. Instead it is used to confirm financial settlements or allow the courts to help broker deals or determine arrangements where agreement has proved impossible. What difference will a three month prohibition make?

The Conservative paper however seems to suggest that expectations of marriage are now too high and relationships will be saved if couples can somehow learn to modify their aspirations. I am a supporter of any steps that can help save marriages and prevent or reduce the trauma for the whole family that inevitably accompanies a split. For relationship counselling to do this, however, it must be widely available and totally voluntary. To suggest however that couples should learn to compromise in order to save their marriage sounds to me both patronising and insulting. We are talking about adults, many of whom can be bitterly hurt emotionally or physically by their partner; surely they have the right to decide their future for themselves? What kind of political party seeks to legislate to try to curtail lawful, personal aspirations?

Divorce is not easy but it is now an accepted phenomenon. I suggest that it is the level of acceptance that has increased the number of divorces and not a shift in a willingness to compromise. There have always been dreadfully unhappy marriages. The difference is that three generations ago, people remained trapped in them.

Off To The Market

My team and I will have a booth at the Wednesday night market in front of the courthouse. Come and meet me and the gang: Rhonda, Diane and "Supa J" Justin. Our first CD is available for $10.00

GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS

Last week there was both good news and bad news for divorcees. The Telegraph in its inimitable style published both on the same page in Friday’s newspaper. Headlined “Landmark victory for heiress in pre-nup case” it reported that “pre-nuptial agreements were recognised in English law for the first time” when the Court of Appeal held that family courts should give due weight to pre-nuptial contracts entered into. That of course is excellent, as so many divorced clients when intending re-marriage, have returned to me at Latimer Hinks in order to make a pre-nuptial agreement, unsure as to whether or not it will have any legal standing or not if the relationship goes awry.

However, and just underneath, the bad news for divorcees was headlined “Living alone can increase the risk of Alzheimer’s.” Apparently, living alone in middle-age doubles the chances of developing the disease according to a study published by the British Medical Journal. If it’s any consolation, I don’t live alone (far from it) but already my memory is far from what it used to be. Now where did I put Little Girl’s PE kit in readiness for school tomorrow and what have I done with the computer mouse; I could swear I used it only two minutes ago?

The Case for Judges with Practical Legal Experience

If I've said it once, I've said it a million times, with few exceptions,Judges who have never practiced law are nightmares on the bench.
It makes perfect sense that if you have never practiced law you can't possibly understand what the attorneys advocating before you are dealing with legally or realistically with regard to their clients. It is not enough that the judge knows or even learns the law. He or she must be aware of the practicality involved in representing clients and the difficulty in dealing with a client and an adversary. Judges who have never practiced do not understand that a lawyer is really not earning a living while they cool their heels in a court room waiting for a judge to take the bench. Lawyers who are successful are usually busy at their office meeting with clients and a judge who earns a paycheck by merely showing up can not always appreciate the time constraints on a practitioner.

More importantly a judge who has never sat in a room with an adversary and his client in an attempt to negotiate a settlement is in no position to pass judgement on those who toil away in an attempt to avoid a trial. Once again I have been witness to a judge becoming very angry and agitated over the fact that the parties were attempting to negotiate a settlement instead of trying a case. The judge instead of being thrilled that the parties were attempting to settle the matter without judicial input became quite abusive and insistent that the matter conclude immediately. This of course leads to hasty decision making, sloppy paperwork and clients with lots of regrets.

The better approach of course would be to assist the attorneys by giving them some insight with regard to how the rulings would go if put to the bench and give them the time and leeway they need to facilitate a through settlement agreement that all parties sign on to with confidence. It isn't necessary that the parties be completely happy, no one ever is in these cases, but at least the agreement should be solid and enforceable.

A judge who has been in the trenches can appreciate the value of two attorneys working to settle a case. It doesn't take a master litigator to try a basic matrimonial case, but it does take a knowledgeable attorney to settle a matter without the need for theatrics and costly litigation.

The Case for Judges with Practical Legal Experience

If I've said it once, I've said it a million times, with few exceptions,Judges who have never practiced law are nightmares on the bench.
It makes perfect sense that if you have never practiced law you can't possibly understand what the attorneys advocating before you are dealing with legally or realistically with regard to their clients. It is not enough that the judge knows or even learns the law. He or she must be aware of the practicality involved in representing clients and the difficulty in dealing with a client and an adversary. Judges who have never practiced do not understand that a lawyer is really not earning a living while they cool their heels in a court room waiting for a judge to take the bench. Lawyers who are successful are usually busy at their office meeting with clients and a judge who earns a paycheck by merely showing up can not always appreciate the time constraints on a practitioner.

More importantly a judge who has never sat in a room with an adversary and his client in an attempt to negotiate a settlement is in no position to pass judgement on those who toil away in an attempt to avoid a trial. Once again I have been witness to a judge becoming very angry and agitated over the fact that the parties were attempting to negotiate a settlement instead of trying a case. The judge instead of being thrilled that the parties were attempting to settle the matter without judicial input became quite abusive and insistent that the matter conclude immediately. This of course leads to hasty decision making, sloppy paperwork and clients with lots of regrets.

The better approach of course would be to assist the attorneys by giving them some insight with regard to how the rulings would go if put to the bench and give them the time and leeway they need to facilitate a through settlement agreement that all parties sign on to with confidence. It isn't necessary that the parties be completely happy, no one ever is in these cases, but at least the agreement should be solid and enforceable.

A judge who has been in the trenches can appreciate the value of two attorneys working to settle a case. It doesn't take a master litigator to try a basic matrimonial case, but it does take a knowledgeable attorney to settle a matter without the need for theatrics and costly litigation.

LIVING APART TOGETHER

Despite talk of an economic recovery, the recession is still making life hard for couples wanting to move on after divorce. Resolution, says that continuing problems in the housing market are preventing divorcing couples from moving to separate accommodation after their divorce. Selling the family home is often an important step for couples and their families making the transition from one home to two after divorce, but with limited mortgage deals, the increase in unemployment, and one in ten homeowners now in negative equity, selling up or moving on is easier said than done for many couples.

To help people in this situation, Resolution is today launching a series of online hints and tips for couples “living apart together” ahead of a national conference on the credit crunch and family law in London.

Having made the difficult decision to split, it can be incredibly stressful for couples to then have to live together – and to not know when this property limbo will end. That’s why we have launched these useful tips, which are available online, outline some simple practical steps to dealing with debt, property issues and how to cope generally with living with your ex.

Here are some of the tips for couples “living apart together”. For more tips, including those on dealing with debt and property, log onto
http://www.resolution.org.uk/advice_centre/

1. Try to agree some ‘ground rules’ – especially around subjects that are likely to prompt argument. If you can’t do this together – think about using a professional – such as a mediator – to help you to discuss and agree things calmly

2. Get short breaks from one another – a week-end with a friend, a day out or even a short holiday will help you to see things from a fresh perspective.

3. If you can, try to stay cost efficient whilst you are still under the same roof Continuing to share costs in regard to food, housekeeping items etc. will be better than doubling costs unnecessarily.

4. Play fair in regard to new partners or relationships – and don’t expect to use your home as a base for entertaining! – this is particularly important if you are a parent.

5. Don’t lose heart – no recession lasts forever – keep thinking creatively, get specialist advice in regard to finances, property and the lettings market.

MICHAEL JACKSON RIP

The recent death of Michael Jackson coupled with the reports that his mother has applied for guardianship of his children inevitably prompts queries from worried clients as to the position should they too die prematurely leaving dependent children. Is it automatic that their divorced spouse will have the children live with them or need they do something to ensure or, in some cases, prevent this? Has the fact that they have made a will appointing someone as guardian sufficient?

In English law, generally only the parents will have parental responsibility for their children and this cannot be usurped by a guardian appointed by will unless both parents have died. However, the fact that a surviving parent has parental responsibility does not mean that the children will automatically live with that person. As with all cases involving children, their best interests are paramount. So and to this end a court has power to make a residence order in favour of another person if that is the outcome which better serves the needs of the children. As a result I have been involved in cases where orders have been made in favour of grandparents or other relatives or friends, remembering always that a child’s wishes and feelings are also taken into account.

Further and importantly even where, as is invariably the case, there is no dispute between surviving relatives as to where the children should live, it is important not to overlook the need to apply for parental responsibility. If you do not have this, you may encounter difficulties consenting to medical treatment for a child or applying for a passport to take them on holiday.

Also and ridiculous as it may sound, even if you are named on the birth certificate of a child as the father, you do not automatically have parental responsibility unless your child was born in or after December 2003. In those circumstances a child may have lived with you throughout their lives but legally you still need powers conferring on you by a court to act on behalf of your child!