Jamaal Tinsley's activities before the shooting

I'm sure everyone (in the Indianapolis area anyway) has heard about Jamaal Tinsley's cars getting shot up over the weekend and the Pacers equipment manager Joey Qatato getting his elbows shot (ouch!).

How quickly we forget Joe Qatato and the glaringly absent "u" after "Q" in his name (all of those 2nd grade teachers are fucking liars--apparently "u" doesn't always come after "q"). I feel bad for the guy and all, but I knew I remembered his weirdly spelled last name from another story a few years back: Police: Pacers Staffer Exposes Self At Local Hotel. Insert your joke here about exposing one's self and not having functioning elbows. Good times.

All of this could have been avoided if Tinsley's car navigation system was up to date.

Jamaal and his crew were just hanging out at his downtown pad on Saturday evening doing normal "dude" stuff--drinking Lipton White Tea with Raspberry (it tastes great and gives Jamaal the protective antioxidants he needs for his active lifestyle); watching the Heisman Trophy presentation on ESPN (fuck Tebow--Run DMc deserved it); catching up on missed episodes of "Shot at Love with Tila Tequila" (somebody watches that trash and it's not me) on MTV (that crazy NBA schedule is soooo unaccommodating to the players sometimes--pussy-ass players union!); took notes while watching "Paula's Party" on the Food Network, because Jamaal needed to know how to make eggnog-custard pie for the annual Pacers holiday potluck get-together, and the guys didn't want to miss Grammy winner Amy Grant help Paula Deen prepare Christmas ham and then as an extra surprise Amy performed a Paula Deen-inspired song(!); after that, one of the guys (possibly Jamaal's buddy, "Toine") wanted to switch over to TLC to catch the first 20 minutes of an episode of "Little People, Big World" because he had missed it the other night and really wanted to know if Jeremy had a real talent for sailing in the Bahamas or not; once that was determined, Jamaal's brother, James, suggested that they head down W 38th St for a cruise and possibly some grub at the White Castle or the Steak N Shake over there--maybe run into some drunk sorority girls from Butler while they are there. Since those uppity BU girls are known to rebel against their parents on occasion, James thought it may be a good idea to pack his permitted firearm to further impress the ladies (...look at how big and powerful it is...).

Well, the drive-thru lane at White Castle was ridiculously long so by the time the guys got their food, they were pretty darn hungry and wouldn't you know it--one of the guys spilled ketchup on their white t-shirt. At 2:30 AM where can a guy go to find a XXXXL plain white t-shirt on W 38th St? The only logical place would be Marshalls--you know the one over by Meijer and behind O'Charley's--they always have stuff like that. The guys just followed the driving instructions from the navigation system and they ended up in front of this place called Cloud 9. They were all like, 'What the heck? I thought this was Marshalls right here. This Marshalls must have closed, which is weird because this is such an up-and-coming area of town. I wonder if this Cloud 9 place sells XXXXL plain white t-shirts. We better all go in and check it out.'

Upon entering this new establishment, the young men discover it is indeed NOT a department store, but is instead some kind of night club. The first indication of this was the request for ID and a pat down by the doorman. While mingling with the other patrons of this fine establishment someone from Jamaal's group overheard some fellas making fun of their guy with the big ketchup stain on his over sized white t-shirt. Someone in the group made a comment to these fellas about "trying to find a Marshalls store so we can get a steal of a deal on a 3-pack of XXXXL plain white t-shirts" and I guess the fellas had been drinking too many alcoholic beverages or possibly earlier were indulging in the inhalation of an herbal remedy so they misunderstood what was said and thought they said "we're deep frying lobsters for whores and we dare you to try and steal one of our expensive cars and the airbrushed Tupac shirt you are wearing is gay." A very common misunderstanding I am sure happens all the time in the W 38th St area of town. This guy I know who is NOT a cop, but DOES work security at RCA Dome and Conseco Fieldhouse events told me that a cop he knows told him that it is common misunderstandings like this that make those crime rates shoot up. I shit you not.

Well, that misunderstanding got the fellas all riled up so Jamaal and his crew decided they better get the hell out of there before somebody else misunderstood them and the night ended up like the Club Rio debacle last year. Remember that?--people almost had stray bullets hit the tops of their cars in the parking lot after Stephen Jackson fired shots into the air. Things were so much more fun when crazy Steve-O was here in Indy.

Of course everyone has read the rest of this latest story--shots fired downtown near the Conrad Hotel, James Tinsley chases the shooters around Monument Circle, Qatato ends up getting shot twice, Conrad employee calmly calls 911, etc. Have you heard the audio of the Conrad guy? Calm as shit--as if shots fired and a bloody dude in the lobby are normal occurrences. Although I am sure the Conrad employees see and hear some pretty funky shit because rich people do weird things.

In the end, authorities are still unclear who had the ketchup stain, however my co-worker's neighbor's brother's girlfriend works at the TJ Maxx downtown and she said Jamaal Tinsley was in the store on Sunday afternoon buying a 4-pack of XXXXL plain white t-shirts. I bet he was pleasantly surprised that TJ Maxx had the 4-packs for the same price as Marshalls usually sells the 3-packs. In the end it all worked out. Since this pack had an extra shirt in it, maybe Jamaal will be a good sport and give one of the shirts to Qatato since the one he was wearing on Sat night is probably ruined now. Wait, Joey doesn't need a new shirt--he still needs some pants though.

Some of this is true and the rest is bullshit--if you don't know the difference then you are a moron.