Emotional Affairs

This seems to be the phrase of the week. The last few clients who have come in to meet with me all seemed to have husbands who were having an "emotional" affair. What is an emotional affair?? Well the response is that it is one in which nothing "physical" has yet transpired between the spouse and a third party. When and how did this term come to be I asked one aggreved spouse who used it in my office. Blame Oprah she indicated. Oprah had a whole show on this topic. So of course I researched the issue. According to the website:

It wasn't about any sort of physical gratification," Jennifer says. "It was about the tools that he had that taught me. His one song to me was you're intelligent, articulate and intuitive, and if you harness that you can do anything you want to do. … It wasn't about roses or about trips. It was about a sense of self that I didn't have before that I had now. And the physical part was completely unnecessary. It was that change in me as a human being." Lorraine Ali is a reporter for Newsweek who helped blow the lid off what they call "The New Infidelity." Lorraine says that the increase in infidelity for women like Vanessa stems from a lack of attention—the same reason many men cheat.

"We interviewed dozens of women for this story," Lorraine says. "One of the consistent things was them saying, 'I really love my husband. He's a good guy. Our marriage is fairly stable. But I'm not getting these certain things I need from him,' and one of them was attention. … Cheating has always been looked at as a man's game, but women are living the lives of men now. You know, 60 percent of American women are working outside the house. Twenty-five percent of them are making more than their husband. They're financially independent. They have busy lives, and they're looking to blow off steam. But also, it's like, 'I deserve this.'

OK, so according to all of this we are talking about women having emotional affairs, not really men. Why as women do we choose to apply the same standard to men, since they have never allowed us the same courtesy? Well, ladies isn't true that it never really is about the physical with us anyway. The physical has always just be a culmination of what we felt emotionally. Why would we however, attempt to categorize men's indescretions in the same manner? I think it may be easier for women to accept an emotional affair as opposed to one that has be consumated physically. As women and wives however, does this really make us feel better to think our husbands are giving some other woman what he should be giving us? To think that he tapped into that very part that we had always hoped he saved just for us I think would hurt me more than a quick romp without emotional attachment. Also let's keep in mind that just because he says there was no physical component involved doesn't mean there really wasn't. We could get into the whole Bill Clinton arguement as to what actually is defined as "sex" but do we really want to go there?

So ladies what do you think? Is it easier to forgive an emotional affair as long as there as been no physical intimacy? I think not...but that of course is a personal choice...to me an affair is an affair.

Sorry Oprah but there is no such thing as an emotional affair.

Emotional Affairs

This seems to be the phrase of the week. The last few clients who have come in to meet with me all seemed to have husbands who were having an "emotional" affair. What is an emotional affair?? Well the response is that it is one in which nothing "physical" has yet transpired between the spouse and a third party. When and how did this term come to be I asked one aggreved spouse who used it in my office. Blame Oprah she indicated. Oprah had a whole show on this topic. So of course I researched the issue. According to the website:

It wasn't about any sort of physical gratification," Jennifer says. "It was about the tools that he had that taught me. His one song to me was you're intelligent, articulate and intuitive, and if you harness that you can do anything you want to do. … It wasn't about roses or about trips. It was about a sense of self that I didn't have before that I had now. And the physical part was completely unnecessary. It was that change in me as a human being." Lorraine Ali is a reporter for Newsweek who helped blow the lid off what they call "The New Infidelity." Lorraine says that the increase in infidelity for women like Vanessa stems from a lack of attention—the same reason many men cheat.

"We interviewed dozens of women for this story," Lorraine says. "One of the consistent things was them saying, 'I really love my husband. He's a good guy. Our marriage is fairly stable. But I'm not getting these certain things I need from him,' and one of them was attention. … Cheating has always been looked at as a man's game, but women are living the lives of men now. You know, 60 percent of American women are working outside the house. Twenty-five percent of them are making more than their husband. They're financially independent. They have busy lives, and they're looking to blow off steam. But also, it's like, 'I deserve this.'

OK, so according to all of this we are talking about women having emotional affairs, not really men. Why as women do we choose to apply the same standard to men, since they have never allowed us the same courtesy? Well, ladies isn't true that it never really is about the physical with us anyway. The physical has always just be a culmination of what we felt emotionally. Why would we however, attempt to categorize men's indescretions in the same manner? I think it may be easier for women to accept an emotional affair as opposed to one that has be consumated physically. As women and wives however, does this really make us feel better to think our husbands are giving some other woman what he should be giving us? To think that he tapped into that very part that we had always hoped he saved just for us I think would hurt me more than a quick romp without emotional attachment. Also let's keep in mind that just because he says there was no physical component involved doesn't mean there really wasn't. We could get into the whole Bill Clinton arguement as to what actually is defined as "sex" but do we really want to go there?

So ladies what do you think? Is it easier to forgive an emotional affair as long as there as been no physical intimacy? I think not...but that of course is a personal choice...to me an affair is an affair.

Sorry Oprah but there is no such thing as an emotional affair.

It's the Heat

Although it was a rarity I remember when my brother, a New York City Police sergeant would tell wild stories about crime in the heat of the summer and that such weather brought out the worst in the criminal element causing him to spend many a summer in overtime filling out arrest reports. The rarity was that my brother now retired, would actually tell us anything about his job. I recall not being that surprised since my partner who makes his living defending these very criminals was often quite busy in the summer. Thus bringing us again to the matrimonial area which also tends to bloom in the summer. The heat brings out the worst in most people so it shouldn't come as a surprise that married couples will fight more during this season, leading them of course to their local divorce lawyer, like yours truly.

I had a very interesting conversation with another matrimonial attorney who champions mediation over litigation much like myself. She told me about a case where the parties who could barely afford it when they were together were having difficulty with the statutory provisions for child support. The couple was actually in agreement that the non custodial husband, should pay less than the statute required, but the wife's attorney was adamant about adherence to the statute. The law allows parties to tailor the terms of the contract themselves. As long as there is agreement, virtually anything goes. Yes, child support can in fact be waived as long as it is worded correctly in the agreement, taking into consideration other support obligations of the parties. When an adversary gets involved, and I throw myself into this category when I am playing my zealot role, it is expected that we will do the best for our client. Clients come in to meet with me and routinely ask me if I'm stuff and whether or not I can fight hard for them. This clearly is the type of client not interested in mediation.

The question remains, however, How do we get more people interested in mediation? I think the answer is through education and sometimes hard experience with the system. The judicial system is not user friendly. No judge wants to hear any of the cases which come before him/her. Judges want people to come to their own agreements without their help. Judges are great believers in mediation, surprisingly, since they would be out of a job if everyone mediated.

People involved in mediation must remember to bring an open mind to the table. If either party is set in their position mediation will not work. Flexibility is the key to mediation, as is the need to leave emotion at the door. Anger, guilt and hurt are all emotions which will also doom a mediation session. Clients are forever screaming about lawyers making all the money in nasty divorces, but what they forget to realize is they are the fuel which runs their attorney. I have never failed to settle a case where both clients had enough of the system and were desirous to settle. That may have encompassed firing an attorney or two in the process, but where the parties are anxious to talk settlement occurs.

As the temperature rises and tempers flare, think of divorce mediation as the cool pool of reason, a cheaper and much more civilized alternative to litigation.

It's the Heat

Although it was a rarity I remember when my brother, a New York City Police sergeant would tell wild stories about crime in the heat of the summer and that such weather brought out the worst in the criminal element causing him to spend many a summer in overtime filling out arrest reports. The rarity was that my brother now retired, would actually tell us anything about his job. I recall not being that surprised since my partner who makes his living defending these very criminals was often quite busy in the summer. Thus bringing us again to the matrimonial area which also tends to bloom in the summer. The heat brings out the worst in most people so it shouldn't come as a surprise that married couples will fight more during this season, leading them of course to their local divorce lawyer, like yours truly.

I had a very interesting conversation with another matrimonial attorney who champions mediation over litigation much like myself. She told me about a case where the parties who could barely afford it when they were together were having difficulty with the statutory provisions for child support. The couple was actually in agreement that the non custodial husband, should pay less than the statute required, but the wife's attorney was adamant about adherence to the statute. The law allows parties to tailor the terms of the contract themselves. As long as there is agreement, virtually anything goes. Yes, child support can in fact be waived as long as it is worded correctly in the agreement, taking into consideration other support obligations of the parties. When an adversary gets involved, and I throw myself into this category when I am playing my zealot role, it is expected that we will do the best for our client. Clients come in to meet with me and routinely ask me if I'm stuff and whether or not I can fight hard for them. This clearly is the type of client not interested in mediation.

The question remains, however, How do we get more people interested in mediation? I think the answer is through education and sometimes hard experience with the system. The judicial system is not user friendly. No judge wants to hear any of the cases which come before him/her. Judges want people to come to their own agreements without their help. Judges are great believers in mediation, surprisingly, since they would be out of a job if everyone mediated.

People involved in mediation must remember to bring an open mind to the table. If either party is set in their position mediation will not work. Flexibility is the key to mediation, as is the need to leave emotion at the door. Anger, guilt and hurt are all emotions which will also doom a mediation session. Clients are forever screaming about lawyers making all the money in nasty divorces, but what they forget to realize is they are the fuel which runs their attorney. I have never failed to settle a case where both clients had enough of the system and were desirous to settle. That may have encompassed firing an attorney or two in the process, but where the parties are anxious to talk settlement occurs.

As the temperature rises and tempers flare, think of divorce mediation as the cool pool of reason, a cheaper and much more civilized alternative to litigation.

That's Because You are a Mat Attorney

For those who read my blog regularly, you know that historically summertime was a slow time in the world of divorce law. Matrimonial attorneys would routinely take off most of the summer due to the various judicial vacations and a virtual closing of the courts in the month of August. I guess due to the increased requirements implemented by the Office of Court Administration, the courts are forced to move along their calendars with specific guidelines. In what is referred to as "standards and goals" the court must move a case through its calendar within set periods of time. Thus the good old summertime has now become a mere extending of the rest of the year with the usual weeks off here and there per part. This week was my partner's vacation week. That meant I had no coverage for the many real estate closings which decided to all close on this very week. A closing which was scheduled to take place last Friday was cancelled at the last minute by the buyers bank due to a computer meltdown. The buyers attorney frantically called my office in an attempt to re-schedule our closing as soon as possible, since his clients were to be rendered homeless by that very afternoon. Unfortunately, the following Monday I was scheduled to be in court and my next available day, as was the bank's was Wednesday. There was a closing I was already handling in my office that day, but I offered it up as an option anyway as long as we could close in my office. The buyer's attorney was livid, calling me inflexible and saying the bank would never close at my office. I reminded him and my frazzled paralegal that we were not the party who adjourned the closing and that since they needed to re-schedule it would have to be at our convenience. There was some more bickering but finally everyone agreed to close in my office.
On the day of the closings some unforeseen circumstances made the 10:00 closing not end until 1:25; this left 1/2 before the start of closing number 2. Once the second closing began(which by the way had its own set of unforeseen circumstances)all the parties advised me that their offices or residences were only minutes away, and that it was a very convenient venue for the closing! The buyer's attorney whose office was indeed the closest and who managed to make yet another closing in his office due to the close proximity of this closing advised the masses that the reason for the change of venue was that "She's a mat attorney and....They are impossible to deal with!"

That's Because You are a Mat Attorney

For those who read my blog regularly, you know that historically summertime was a slow time in the world of divorce law. Matrimonial attorneys would routinely take off most of the summer due to the various judicial vacations and a virtual closing of the courts in the month of August. I guess due to the increased requirements implemented by the Office of Court Administration, the courts are forced to move along their calendars with specific guidelines. In what is referred to as "standards and goals" the court must move a case through its calendar within set periods of time. Thus the good old summertime has now become a mere extending of the rest of the year with the usual weeks off here and there per part. This week was my partner's vacation week. That meant I had no coverage for the many real estate closings which decided to all close on this very week. A closing which was scheduled to take place last Friday was cancelled at the last minute by the buyers bank due to a computer meltdown. The buyers attorney frantically called my office in an attempt to re-schedule our closing as soon as possible, since his clients were to be rendered homeless by that very afternoon. Unfortunately, the following Monday I was scheduled to be in court and my next available day, as was the bank's was Wednesday. There was a closing I was already handling in my office that day, but I offered it up as an option anyway as long as we could close in my office. The buyer's attorney was livid, calling me inflexible and saying the bank would never close at my office. I reminded him and my frazzled paralegal that we were not the party who adjourned the closing and that since they needed to re-schedule it would have to be at our convenience. There was some more bickering but finally everyone agreed to close in my office.
On the day of the closings some unforeseen circumstances made the 10:00 closing not end until 1:25; this left 1/2 before the start of closing number 2. Once the second closing began(which by the way had its own set of unforeseen circumstances)all the parties advised me that their offices or residences were only minutes away, and that it was a very convenient venue for the closing! The buyer's attorney whose office was indeed the closest and who managed to make yet another closing in his office due to the close proximity of this closing advised the masses that the reason for the change of venue was that "She's a mat attorney and....They are impossible to deal with!"

Conversations with a Paralegal

A paralegal in my office has decided her life and my work should be the topic of a book we need to write together. Though he have different reasons for entering into this project , the rest of the staff is readily entertained by the banter between us as we discuss our book.

Paralegal: So have you written the chapter about the throughly corrupt judges you routinely appear before.
Attorney: I didn't plan on calling any of the judges corrupt in this book.
Paralegal: How can you expose the system without discussing the corruption?
Attorney: I am not "exposing" the system, I am explaining it. The system works justly for many litigants.
Paralegal: It also screws many litigants.
Attorney: As I haved always said, when parties invite strangers into their private affairs they may not always like the outcome.
Paralegal: So you do realize that you will need to find a new career once this book comes out. Right?
Attorney: Well I wasn't planning on it unless we wind up spending all our time on the talk show circuit to promote it.
Paralegal: Well you won't be able to appear before any of the judges you lamblast in the book.
Attorney: I won't be lamblasting anyone. I will merely be interpreting the laws objectively, and commenting on the different ways judges can interpret them. You are the one who will be giving opinions on what happened in your case. But remember we won't be using any real names.
Paralegal: No real names? What is the use of writing a book if we can't use real names?
Attorney: As a public service maybe. To show how one divorce case going through the system can turn into a circus.
Paralegal: It won't be as much fun if we can't name the clowns.
Attorney: Sorry. I have a real problem with the thought of getting sued over this.
Paralegal: ok, I guess. When are you writing your first chapter warning all the unsuspecting unhappy people out there that divorce is a nightmare?
Atttorney: Just as soon as I decide what I will do to earn a living once the book is published.

Conversations with a Paralegal

A paralegal in my office has decided her life and my work should be the topic of a book we need to write together. Though he have different reasons for entering into this project , the rest of the staff is readily entertained by the banter between us as we discuss our book.

Paralegal: So have you written the chapter about the throughly corrupt judges you routinely appear before.
Attorney: I didn't plan on calling any of the judges corrupt in this book.
Paralegal: How can you expose the system without discussing the corruption?
Attorney: I am not "exposing" the system, I am explaining it. The system works justly for many litigants.
Paralegal: It also screws many litigants.
Attorney: As I haved always said, when parties invite strangers into their private affairs they may not always like the outcome.
Paralegal: So you do realize that you will need to find a new career once this book comes out. Right?
Attorney: Well I wasn't planning on it unless we wind up spending all our time on the talk show circuit to promote it.
Paralegal: Well you won't be able to appear before any of the judges you lamblast in the book.
Attorney: I won't be lamblasting anyone. I will merely be interpreting the laws objectively, and commenting on the different ways judges can interpret them. You are the one who will be giving opinions on what happened in your case. But remember we won't be using any real names.
Paralegal: No real names? What is the use of writing a book if we can't use real names?
Attorney: As a public service maybe. To show how one divorce case going through the system can turn into a circus.
Paralegal: It won't be as much fun if we can't name the clowns.
Attorney: Sorry. I have a real problem with the thought of getting sued over this.
Paralegal: ok, I guess. When are you writing your first chapter warning all the unsuspecting unhappy people out there that divorce is a nightmare?
Atttorney: Just as soon as I decide what I will do to earn a living once the book is published.

Letters testamentary; Probate

The Process; The Purpose

Many of my clients have questions regarding pending divorce and the right of their spouse to an inheritance. In New York any inheritance one spouse receives is protected under the separate property provisions of the Domestic Relations Law. Unless the inheriting spouse decides to merge the inheritance into a marital asset(which if proper records are maintained can still be traceable and carved out) or place a spouse's name on the account holding said inheritance; the inheritance remains the sole property of the beneficiary spouse.

What are Letters testamentary?

When a person who has a will dies in this state, the Executor or Executrix named in the will must petition the court to allow them to handle the estate of the decedent. The process by which this occurs is called Probate. During the probate proceeding, by petition to the court, the Executor or Executrix asks for some documentation allowing them to proceed with the distribution of the decedent assets. The documentation sought are called Letters testamentary. These Letters or documents give the Executrix/Executor the power to act in the place of the decedent. The petition to get these letters is not complicated, but all of the heirs or potential heirs of the decedent must be notified and sign a waiver indicating that they have no objection to the Executor/executrixes request.

Depending on the complexity of the petition but more on the backlog of the Surrogate's Court, which is the only Court having jurisdiction in this area, Letters should be obtained within a matter of weeks.

Can the Executrix/Executor get a fee for serving?

Statute allows a certain percentage based on the value of the estate, however, most times when the Executrix/Executor is a family member it is not unusual for them to waive their fee.

Is there an Inheritance Tax?

No, not in the state of NY. There is however, an estate tax, which is paid out of the estate and before the beneficiaries receive their distributive shares of the estate.


Do I need a lawyer to do this?

No, not technically. As long as you can prepare the forms yourself and file the appropriate documentation required. It may take you a few times to get it right on your own, and you may decide hiring a lawyer to make it faster is worth your while.

Are there fees involved?

Yes, there is a fee when the petition is filed, based on the value of the estate.

Do I have to do anything after I receive the letters?

Yes, there is a mandatory accounting required one year after letters are issued. A tax attorney or accountant can assist you with the filing. A tax return for the estate must also be prepared and filed.

Letters testamentary; Probate

The Process; The Purpose

Many of my clients have questions regarding pending divorce and the right of their spouse to an inheritance. In New York any inheritance one spouse receives is protected under the separate property provisions of the Domestic Relations Law. Unless the inheriting spouse decides to merge the inheritance into a marital asset(which if proper records are maintained can still be traceable and carved out) or place a spouse's name on the account holding said inheritance; the inheritance remains the sole property of the beneficiary spouse.

What are Letters testamentary?

When a person who has a will dies in this state, the Executor or Executrix named in the will must petition the court to allow them to handle the estate of the decedent. The process by which this occurs is called Probate. During the probate proceeding, by petition to the court, the Executor or Executrix asks for some documentation allowing them to proceed with the distribution of the decedent assets. The documentation sought are called Letters testamentary. These Letters or documents give the Executrix/Executor the power to act in the place of the decedent. The petition to get these letters is not complicated, but all of the heirs or potential heirs of the decedent must be notified and sign a waiver indicating that they have no objection to the Executor/executrixes request.

Depending on the complexity of the petition but more on the backlog of the Surrogate's Court, which is the only Court having jurisdiction in this area, Letters should be obtained within a matter of weeks.

Can the Executrix/Executor get a fee for serving?

Statute allows a certain percentage based on the value of the estate, however, most times when the Executrix/Executor is a family member it is not unusual for them to waive their fee.

Is there an Inheritance Tax?

No, not in the state of NY. There is however, an estate tax, which is paid out of the estate and before the beneficiaries receive their distributive shares of the estate.


Do I need a lawyer to do this?

No, not technically. As long as you can prepare the forms yourself and file the appropriate documentation required. It may take you a few times to get it right on your own, and you may decide hiring a lawyer to make it faster is worth your while.

Are there fees involved?

Yes, there is a fee when the petition is filed, based on the value of the estate.

Do I have to do anything after I receive the letters?

Yes, there is a mandatory accounting required one year after letters are issued. A tax attorney or accountant can assist you with the filing. A tax return for the estate must also be prepared and filed.