Adoption Hotline

Due to the overwhelming response I received from my article

Children Of the Heart

I have decided to start a blog that deals with Adoption and Adoption related issues. It is my hope that it will become a resource for those seeking information and support as they make the decision as to whether or not to adopt. This is a topic as you know that is very close to my heart and if the blog helps to unite just one child with a loving family then I have achieved my goal. Check it out! www.adoptionhotline.blogspot.com

Adoption Hotline

Due to the overwhelming response I received from my article

Children Of the Heart

I have decided to start a blog that deals with Adoption and Adoption related issues. It is my hope that it will become a resource for those seeking information and support as they make the decision as to whether or not to adopt. This is a topic as you know that is very close to my heart and if the blog helps to unite just one child with a loving family then I have achieved my goal. Check it out! www.adoptionhotline.blogspot.com

Blended Families
Is It Always the Brady Bunch?

One out of every three Americans is now a step parent, a step child, a step sibling, or some member of a blended family. Blended families as a second or third marriage have a greater risk of divorce than first time marriages, and most don't make it passed the fifth year of marriage. Recently Prime Time Live did an expose on Blended Families and the problems which arise within such households. The term "Blended Families" is a replacement for the old phrase "Step-Families" which ever since Cinderella has come to stand for all that is evil and negative in households that come together following death or divorce. The "Blended Family" describes families such as the Brady Bunch who pool their resources and come together to live in harmony. As Prime Time Live exposes, there are many families unlike the Brady Bunch or Yours Mine and Ours, who exhibit violent and disfunctional behavior leading to divorce and further devastation of the family unit. Bringing together two households and two families can in fact be a very stressful situation. Most times there is a lot of baggage that tags along with these families, starting with the prime issue, usually guilt. The parents of the children involved in these relationships usually carry some form of guilt with regard to these children. Either they feel guilty over a prior divorce or feel they need to make up for some perceived failure in that their child is missing out on a perfect storybook childhood. This inevitably leads to some leniency with regard to disciplining the child and can cause some resentment with the new spouse. The parent of the child may want to make up for the new situation by overlooking certain behaviors which may not be acceptable to the new spouse. Friction will therefore occur between the children and the new spouse and the parent of the child will feel they are being asked to choose between their child and their new spouse. MANDATORY THERAPY, I repeat as if a mantra. All family members must immediately adjourn to a therapy session in order to put these issues in perspective. No, it isn't easy to "blend" but it isn't impossible. Outside influences such as ex-spouses need to be dealt with in a way so as not to cause an explosive impact on the family unit. New siblings, born into the family can trigger some resentment in old children. Children can be volatile, especially when they are manipulated or made to feel guilty by another parent perhaps, who may not be at all happy with the new "blended" unit. The adults need to learn how to handle these situations as a single unit. When the couple act as a united front, most situations with be resolved. Each member of the family has a role to play. Custodial parents should carefully assess the feelings of their children and encourage open communication. Meanwhile, potential stubbornly should not have an agenda to win over a child; the best way they can show love is by treating the biological parent with affection and respect. Together, parents of blended families should establish equitable boundaries for all members of the household and develop traditions to help the two families become a single unit. Each child is a link in the family chain and must be made to feel special within the family. Even the Brady Bunch had some rocky moments, they just weren't filmed for the world to see.

Blended Families
Is It Always the Brady Bunch?

One out of every three Americans is now a step parent, a step child, a step sibling, or some member of a blended family. Blended families as a second or third marriage have a greater risk of divorce than first time marriages, and most don't make it passed the fifth year of marriage. Recently Prime Time Live did an expose on Blended Families and the problems which arise within such households. The term "Blended Families" is a replacement for the old phrase "Step-Families" which ever since Cinderella has come to stand for all that is evil and negative in households that come together following death or divorce. The "Blended Family" describes families such as the Brady Bunch who pool their resources and come together to live in harmony. As Prime Time Live exposes, there are many families unlike the Brady Bunch or Yours Mine and Ours, who exhibit violent and disfunctional behavior leading to divorce and further devastation of the family unit. Bringing together two households and two families can in fact be a very stressful situation. Most times there is a lot of baggage that tags along with these families, starting with the prime issue, usually guilt. The parents of the children involved in these relationships usually carry some form of guilt with regard to these children. Either they feel guilty over a prior divorce or feel they need to make up for some perceived failure in that their child is missing out on a perfect storybook childhood. This inevitably leads to some leniency with regard to disciplining the child and can cause some resentment with the new spouse. The parent of the child may want to make up for the new situation by overlooking certain behaviors which may not be acceptable to the new spouse. Friction will therefore occur between the children and the new spouse and the parent of the child will feel they are being asked to choose between their child and their new spouse. MANDATORY THERAPY, I repeat as if a mantra. All family members must immediately adjourn to a therapy session in order to put these issues in perspective. No, it isn't easy to "blend" but it isn't impossible. Outside influences such as ex-spouses need to be dealt with in a way so as not to cause an explosive impact on the family unit. New siblings, born into the family can trigger some resentment in old children. Children can be volatile, especially when they are manipulated or made to feel guilty by another parent perhaps, who may not be at all happy with the new "blended" unit. The adults need to learn how to handle these situations as a single unit. When the couple act as a united front, most situations with be resolved. Each member of the family has a role to play. Custodial parents should carefully assess the feelings of their children and encourage open communication. Meanwhile, potential stubbornly should not have an agenda to win over a child; the best way they can show love is by treating the biological parent with affection and respect. Together, parents of blended families should establish equitable boundaries for all members of the household and develop traditions to help the two families become a single unit. Each child is a link in the family chain and must be made to feel special within the family. Even the Brady Bunch had some rocky moments, they just weren't filmed for the world to see.

Do It Yourself Divorce?
Do It Yourself Heart Surgery?

I get asked all the time: "Why can't I Divorce myself?" "You Lawyers charge too much,you are sharks! Can't you lower your prices." These comments never cease to amaze me in this age where a dissolution of a marriage, especially one that involves children has lasting ramifications for 10 to 20 years depending on the age of the dependents. Most people don't realize that they are usually stuck with the "deal they make." It is extremely difficult, contrary to popular belief, to change custody, child support and nearly impossible to re-calculate equitable distribution in this state (NY). Despite these truths I inevitably get the "price shoppers," in asking for the price of separation and divorce and attempting to haggle the price with me instead of realizing that there is a lot of truth in the "you get what you pay for" cliche. Not to say there are not some very costly attorneys out there who perhaps are not worth the prices they charge, but overall few of general public would dream of asking a surgeon to lower his price for heart surgery even if he didn't accept insurance, as I have learned first hand, most of the highest rated specialist do not. What about paralegals? My reply is "what about paralegals?" I hear they attempt to draft uncontested divorce paperwork and sometimes are even successful in the submission of documents. My concern lies in the agreement itself and what has been left out. An attorney familiar with matrimonial practice will usually leave no stone unturned in the drafting of such a document. Issues such as college, insurance and the like are addressed with specificity as is the visitation and custody paragraphs. An attorney worth his or her salt with cover all contingencies and leave little reason for a return to the courts for clarification or interpretation. Personally, I have handled one too many cases where a novice successfully drafted a divorce settlement only to cause the parties to re visit concepts which should have been addressed in the settlement papers but where either overlooked or intentionally left vague so the parties could "mutually agree on their terms." The problem inevitably arises however, where the parties cannot agree and some judicial intervention is needed to resolve these issues. Now the parties have to fight the good fight once again and the cost is usually greater than it would have been if they had hired an attorney to draft the documents to begin with. Cliches come into play for very good reasons....They are based in truth...Do your research and choose a professional.

Do It Yourself Divorce?
Do It Yourself Heart Surgery?

I get asked all the time: "Why can't I Divorce myself?" "You Lawyers charge too much,you are sharks! Can't you lower your prices." These comments never cease to amaze me in this age where a dissolution of a marriage, especially one that involves children has lasting ramifications for 10 to 20 years depending on the age of the dependents. Most people don't realize that they are usually stuck with the "deal they make." It is extremely difficult, contrary to popular belief, to change custody, child support and nearly impossible to re-calculate equitable distribution in this state (NY). Despite these truths I inevitably get the "price shoppers," in asking for the price of separation and divorce and attempting to haggle the price with me instead of realizing that there is a lot of truth in the "you get what you pay for" cliche. Not to say there are not some very costly attorneys out there who perhaps are not worth the prices they charge, but overall few of general public would dream of asking a surgeon to lower his price for heart surgery even if he didn't accept insurance, as I have learned first hand, most of the highest rated specialist do not. What about paralegals? My reply is "what about paralegals?" I hear they attempt to draft uncontested divorce paperwork and sometimes are even successful in the submission of documents. My concern lies in the agreement itself and what has been left out. An attorney familiar with matrimonial practice will usually leave no stone unturned in the drafting of such a document. Issues such as college, insurance and the like are addressed with specificity as is the visitation and custody paragraphs. An attorney worth his or her salt with cover all contingencies and leave little reason for a return to the courts for clarification or interpretation. Personally, I have handled one too many cases where a novice successfully drafted a divorce settlement only to cause the parties to re visit concepts which should have been addressed in the settlement papers but where either overlooked or intentionally left vague so the parties could "mutually agree on their terms." The problem inevitably arises however, where the parties cannot agree and some judicial intervention is needed to resolve these issues. Now the parties have to fight the good fight once again and the cost is usually greater than it would have been if they had hired an attorney to draft the documents to begin with. Cliches come into play for very good reasons....They are based in truth...Do your research and choose a professional.

How do you know when you are ready to Divorce?
The Divorce Questionnaire

Probably the second most asked question in any divorce consultation is "How do I know if I'm ready for a Divorce?" Of course the all time number one question during a Divorce consultation remains unparalleled at "When can I date?" The number one question never ceases to amaze me and continually causes me to question whether this bizarre question even deserves a response. The number two question however, is one which I tend to dodge. Not being a certified therapist in any way I try to indicate that seeing me is "the last resort." While I would love to have the business, the last thing I need or want is to start an action when the party is not 100% sure. To this end I recommend a series of other experts from psychologists to investigators to make sure my new client has all the help they need in answering this question on their own. I often wondered if Dr. Phil could put together a questionnaire for the divorce practionner much as he has for Match.com in helping the client decide if a Divorce is right for them. This Questionnaire would need to be filled out before a client books an appointment thus insuring that they are ready and that I do not spend the entire consultation handing over tissues and dispensing soothing words of comfort. Not having the training of a Dr. Phil but what I consider to be a comparable personality and experience in the field; I have put together a Questionnaire for those who may be considering dissolution of their marriage. Although I long abandoned the idea of trying to match up my divorced clientele following a successful divorce, I always thought it would be fun for some of my clients to get together and while they sing my praises perhaps find a love connection in the mix! Yet, another blog for another day. On to the Divorce Questionnaire:

1. Do you regularly check your spouses cell phone bills? And have you found numbers that cause you to be suspicious?
2. Would you rate the present quality of your life on a scale of 1-10 below a 5?
3. Are you aware of the finances of the marriage? (If not become aware)
4. Are you finding that you seek out attention from other members of the opposite sex to whom you are not married?
5. Are you presently in counseling? (If not get in some)
6. Have you and your spouse been in marriage counseling? (Always the first step)
7. Has your spouse refused to seek marriage counseling? (It takes two to make a marriage work)
8. Do you work extra hours or avoid going home because it is more of a war zone than a comfort zone?
9. Are your children acting out due to the some of the behavior they are witnessing between you and your spouse?
10. Are you regularly surfing the net for any information on jobs in the Caribbean which call for experience in sun worshiping and Margarita sipping?

If you have answered Yes to most of the above, then perhaps you are ready for a consultation. Of course if there is any violence or abuse of any type within your relationship either physically, mentally or emotionally; seek help immediately.

How do you know when you are ready to Divorce?
The Divorce Questionnaire

Probably the second most asked question in any divorce consultation is "How do I know if I'm ready for a Divorce?" Of course the all time number one question during a Divorce consultation remains unparalleled at "When can I date?" The number one question never ceases to amaze me and continually causes me to question whether this bizarre question even deserves a response. The number two question however, is one which I tend to dodge. Not being a certified therapist in any way I try to indicate that seeing me is "the last resort." While I would love to have the business, the last thing I need or want is to start an action when the party is not 100% sure. To this end I recommend a series of other experts from psychologists to investigators to make sure my new client has all the help they need in answering this question on their own. I often wondered if Dr. Phil could put together a questionnaire for the divorce practionner much as he has for Match.com in helping the client decide if a Divorce is right for them. This Questionnaire would need to be filled out before a client books an appointment thus insuring that they are ready and that I do not spend the entire consultation handing over tissues and dispensing soothing words of comfort. Not having the training of a Dr. Phil but what I consider to be a comparable personality and experience in the field; I have put together a Questionnaire for those who may be considering dissolution of their marriage. Although I long abandoned the idea of trying to match up my divorced clientele following a successful divorce, I always thought it would be fun for some of my clients to get together and while they sing my praises perhaps find a love connection in the mix! Yet, another blog for another day. On to the Divorce Questionnaire:

1. Do you regularly check your spouses cell phone bills? And have you found numbers that cause you to be suspicious?
2. Would you rate the present quality of your life on a scale of 1-10 below a 5?
3. Are you aware of the finances of the marriage? (If not become aware)
4. Are you finding that you seek out attention from other members of the opposite sex to whom you are not married?
5. Are you presently in counseling? (If not get in some)
6. Have you and your spouse been in marriage counseling? (Always the first step)
7. Has your spouse refused to seek marriage counseling? (It takes two to make a marriage work)
8. Do you work extra hours or avoid going home because it is more of a war zone than a comfort zone?
9. Are your children acting out due to the some of the behavior they are witnessing between you and your spouse?
10. Are you regularly surfing the net for any information on jobs in the Caribbean which call for experience in sun worshiping and Margarita sipping?

If you have answered Yes to most of the above, then perhaps you are ready for a consultation. Of course if there is any violence or abuse of any type within your relationship either physically, mentally or emotionally; seek help immediately.

In-Equitable Distribution; Divorce in NY

I am asked all the time; or rather told by my clients that the NY State Divorce Laws favor the ---fill in the blank based on who is speaking. While it is true that prior to equitable distribution it could be said that men were favored, since the inception of equitable distribution I find it difficult to give sway to either gender.

In the event there is a business involved the owner is apt to proclaim loudly that the business has no value and that he/she is the business and it makes no money and “ look here are the business records to prove it.” Well, we all know the tendency in many businesses to accept cash and should say this out loud? Not disclose all the income.
A crime if you intend to hide it from the IRS but common practice non the less. The outcome to the non-business owner spouse is the difficulty of proving the income they enjoyed as a married couple. Unless the spouse has all the bank records and even if he or she does, proving the income they believe the business makes can be a difficult task. Life style is certainly one component in proving that a business makes more than it admits to, however, as savvy as most matrimonial judges are regarding business ownership, they are loath to actually place a dollar amount on such income without any type of guidance.

W2 wage earnings may also be in the hot seat if in fact they are the non-custodial parent. Regardless of the residential parent’s income, courts are pretty straight forward in applying the CSSA rules straight against the income of the non-residential parent. Sure the court has the discretion to modify support over the $80,000 per year guidelines, but the discretion in this state varies from court to court in how support is applied thereafter.

Maintenance or what used to be called Alimony has taken quite a hit over the years. Gone pretty much are the days of lifetime maintenance and I have found many judges quite adamant about limiting the term advising the non working spouse to “get a job.” Giving more of the assets instead perhaps as a trade off for long term maintenance.

Custody, however, is a whole other ballgame and a blog for a different day. Stay Tuned!

In-Equitable Distribution; Divorce in NY

I am asked all the time; or rather told by my clients that the NY State Divorce Laws favor the ---fill in the blank based on who is speaking. While it is true that prior to equitable distribution it could be said that men were favored, since the inception of equitable distribution I find it difficult to give sway to either gender.

In the event there is a business involved the owner is apt to proclaim loudly that the business has no value and that he/she is the business and it makes no money and “ look here are the business records to prove it.” Well, we all know the tendency in many businesses to accept cash and should say this out loud? Not disclose all the income.
A crime if you intend to hide it from the IRS but common practice non the less. The outcome to the non-business owner spouse is the difficulty of proving the income they enjoyed as a married couple. Unless the spouse has all the bank records and even if he or she does, proving the income they believe the business makes can be a difficult task. Life style is certainly one component in proving that a business makes more than it admits to, however, as savvy as most matrimonial judges are regarding business ownership, they are loath to actually place a dollar amount on such income without any type of guidance.

W2 wage earnings may also be in the hot seat if in fact they are the non-custodial parent. Regardless of the residential parent’s income, courts are pretty straight forward in applying the CSSA rules straight against the income of the non-residential parent. Sure the court has the discretion to modify support over the $80,000 per year guidelines, but the discretion in this state varies from court to court in how support is applied thereafter.

Maintenance or what used to be called Alimony has taken quite a hit over the years. Gone pretty much are the days of lifetime maintenance and I have found many judges quite adamant about limiting the term advising the non working spouse to “get a job.” Giving more of the assets instead perhaps as a trade off for long term maintenance.

Custody, however, is a whole other ballgame and a blog for a different day. Stay Tuned!

How to Apply for a Protective Order

"What is a protective order Mom?" I was asked the other day. "Why? Do you need one?" "I'm not sure, what is it?" was the quick response. "Well; it is an order issued by a court protecting a person from the actions of another person." "So that little girl we talked about in school could have gotten one, right?" I assumed at this point my son was talking about the little girl whose picture has been splashed all over every newspaper in the country. Nixzmary Brown in case you missed the press is the 7 year old allegedly tortured and beaten to death by her abusive step father in Brooklyn in January. It seems the elementary schools in the area are discussing some of the abuse cases in the news. Not necessarily a bad idea, but my concern is whether at this age the kids are able to distinguish a tushy slap from a beating. I have visions of my office phone ringing off the wall from a rash of 8 year olds who have obtained my card from my son, (he once told his bus driver that he wasn't sure what his Mom did but he knew she told a Judge her problems.) asking for information on obtaining a protective order. I seem to be making light of this but I have mixed feelings on what our school system should be discussing with our kids. Of course, I think children should be educated about abuse, but are the public schools the place for this? Perhaps the adults in charge should just keep their eyes open and do the reporting for the children. No one wants to falsely accuse a parent, especially, but maybe if a few of the adults who had contact with Nixzmary made some calls to the right agency and those adults at the agency actually followed up on the calls, we might have an extra 7 year old still running around. I really don't think we should lay this at the feet of our children. Education and information about strangers is one thing, but asking them to turn in the very people who raise them is beyond the scope of their ability. "No", I responded to his next question; "Judge Judy doesn't handle this type of case."

How to Apply for a Protective Order

"What is a protective order Mom?" I was asked the other day. "Why? Do you need one?" "I'm not sure, what is it?" was the quick response. "Well; it is an order issued by a court protecting a person from the actions of another person." "So that little girl we talked about in school could have gotten one, right?" I assumed at this point my son was talking about the little girl whose picture has been splashed all over every newspaper in the country. Nixzmary Brown in case you missed the press is the 7 year old allegedly tortured and beaten to death by her abusive step father in Brooklyn in January. It seems the elementary schools in the area are discussing some of the abuse cases in the news. Not necessarily a bad idea, but my concern is whether at this age the kids are able to distinguish a tushy slap from a beating. I have visions of my office phone ringing off the wall from a rash of 8 year olds who have obtained my card from my son, (he once told his bus driver that he wasn't sure what his Mom did but he knew she told a Judge her problems.) asking for information on obtaining a protective order. I seem to be making light of this but I have mixed feelings on what our school system should be discussing with our kids. Of course, I think children should be educated about abuse, but are the public schools the place for this? Perhaps the adults in charge should just keep their eyes open and do the reporting for the children. No one wants to falsely accuse a parent, especially, but maybe if a few of the adults who had contact with Nixzmary made some calls to the right agency and those adults at the agency actually followed up on the calls, we might have an extra 7 year old still running around. I really don't think we should lay this at the feet of our children. Education and information about strangers is one thing, but asking them to turn in the very people who raise them is beyond the scope of their ability. "No", I responded to his next question; "Judge Judy doesn't handle this type of case."

Walmart? Sing Sing? Malibu? SpringBreak Hot Spots

A young college student opts to spend spring break not on some beach sunning himself but instead doing a social experiment ala "Supersize Me." Perhaps with an eye toward getting on reality TV this college student chooses to spend a week inside Walmart to see if in fact, as their ad suggests, that they can meet a person's every need. I find it hard to believe that this young man or for that matter the general public took Walmart's claim for anything other than a simple marketing tool. The student however, chose to dissect the claim and test it for its so called veracity. Of course, he proceeded with his endeavor without first getting the consent or approval of anyone in authority at Walmart. It took them 41 hours, but Walmart finally realized they had a squatter in the place and removed the young gentleman. Apparantly, he was quite relieved to be discovered since he claimed not to have been able to shower or find appropriate sleeping quarters in the store. I wonder, had he never been inside a Walmart before this experiement? How is it he didn't realize they didn't sell beds or have shower facilities? Did his Walmart Vacation brochure contain amenities that were perhaps missing in this particular Walmart? Did his travel agent fail to properly disclose this relevant information? One needs to wonder how someone who is able to even get into a college can fail to realize that this "experiement" could land him in quite a different springbreak hotspot...such as Prison! Prison has appropriate sleeping quarters and showers as well. Perhaps instead of returning to the University to take his final exams this quarter he will be spending up to one year in the local pen! Criminal Trespass for all of you thrill seekers out there is a misdemeanor punishable by up to one year in jail here in NY. Now with the publicity he has received will he be appearing on the local talk shows? Or perhaps he has a book in him; or a made for TV movie? Personally, I truly feel that these stunts should in fact be treated for what they are, namely Crimes! If we set some examples for proper behavior, then maybe, just maybe, we will see some.

Walmart? Sing Sing? Malibu? SpringBreak Hot Spots

A young college student opts to spend spring break not on some beach sunning himself but instead doing a social experiment ala "Supersize Me." Perhaps with an eye toward getting on reality TV this college student chooses to spend a week inside Walmart to see if in fact, as their ad suggests, that they can meet a person's every need. I find it hard to believe that this young man or for that matter the general public took Walmart's claim for anything other than a simple marketing tool. The student however, chose to dissect the claim and test it for its so called veracity. Of course, he proceeded with his endeavor without first getting the consent or approval of anyone in authority at Walmart. It took them 41 hours, but Walmart finally realized they had a squatter in the place and removed the young gentleman. Apparantly, he was quite relieved to be discovered since he claimed not to have been able to shower or find appropriate sleeping quarters in the store. I wonder, had he never been inside a Walmart before this experiement? How is it he didn't realize they didn't sell beds or have shower facilities? Did his Walmart Vacation brochure contain amenities that were perhaps missing in this particular Walmart? Did his travel agent fail to properly disclose this relevant information? One needs to wonder how someone who is able to even get into a college can fail to realize that this "experiement" could land him in quite a different springbreak hotspot...such as Prison! Prison has appropriate sleeping quarters and showers as well. Perhaps instead of returning to the University to take his final exams this quarter he will be spending up to one year in the local pen! Criminal Trespass for all of you thrill seekers out there is a misdemeanor punishable by up to one year in jail here in NY. Now with the publicity he has received will he be appearing on the local talk shows? Or perhaps he has a book in him; or a made for TV movie? Personally, I truly feel that these stunts should in fact be treated for what they are, namely Crimes! If we set some examples for proper behavior, then maybe, just maybe, we will see some.