Parents Who Use Their Children As Weapons during Divorce...

We are all aware of how children get caught in the middle during
divorce. Well meaning parents with good intentions sometimes make
errors. When a parent is in the throes of a divorce, it is struggle
to control one's own emotions. Knowing the right things to say to
your kids can be a challenge.

But some parents, who are filled with hatred and rage, purposely
use their kids as weapons against the other parent. The official term for
this is Parental Alienation.

Parental Alienation is is when parents repeatedly speak negatively about the other parent to a child or interfere with communication between a parent and child. Also, sharing inappropriate information, such as details of the marriage and divorce with a child, can leave children confused, angry, and frightened. The relationship between the child and the alienated parent often becomes strained.

Why would a parent act this way? These parents are so hurt and angry that the only way they feel they can gain control of the ex who hurt them is through the kids. Blinded by anger and in deep emotional pain, the needs of their children are put aside and they will do anything to ease the pain they feel inside. Hurting the other parent by destroying his or her relationship with the children satisfies their need for revenge.

If you are about to get a divorce or in the middle of one now you may be reading this and thinking that you would never do anything to hurt your childrens’s relationship with their other parent. But emotions sometimes get the best of us and you may slip up and find yourself saying
something negative about your ex. Or you might try to explain the divorce to your child and accidentally give away too much information.

No one is perfect. The key is to remember that no matter how much you resent your ex, the issue is between the two of you, not the kids. Fostering a healthy relationship between your ex and your kids will help your kids grow up to be healthy, well adjusted adults.

THE YEAR OF THE RAT

“A rat” is a term used frequently by clients, usually female clients, to describe their spouses to me. The image conjured up is always of someone who has been underhanded or deceitful. So it is that today the Chinese celebrate their New Year and with it the beginning of the Year of the Rat. I wonder, does this mean an influx of fraud, dishonesty and cheating? I decided to check with a Chinese zodiac and learned that “On the whole, this will be a happier year than most: free from explosive events and wars….Nonetheless, it will be spicy. It promises a lot of bickering, bargaining and petty arguments.” Oh well so that term rat is going to remain in common parlance for the foreseeable future then.

Should You Take Time Off Of Work For A Broken Heart?...

A Japanese marketing company has found an innovative solution to the broken heart. They give their employees paid time off after a break up. Tokyo-based Hime & Company, which also gives staff paid time off to hit the shops during sales season, says "heartache leave" allows staff to cry themselves out and return to work refreshed.

The rules for "heartache leave" at the Japanese company are as follows: Employees 24 years or younger can take one day off per year, while those between 25 and 29 can take two days off and those older can take three days off. They feel it is takes longer to mend from a broken heart as you age.

What a company! Imagine if all companies offered this kind of program to people going through a divorce. It may sound outrageous and a little bit odd, but if you think about, how productive can a person really be at work if they are emotionally devastated and can barely hold themselves together?

Even if "heartache leave" does not catch on in the U.S., it may be good idea to take a day or two off of work in the initial stages of a divorce. Especially if your divorce comes as a surprise and is unexpected. Going to work while you are in a state of shock and emotionally impaired can even be dangerous depending on the kind of work you do. Would you want your doctor performing an operation or administering medicines when his or her mind is not clear and focused?

I used to own a salon years ago. I remember when one of the hairdressers was dumped by his boyfriend. He spent the entire day teary eyed and then proceeded to give a client a crooked haircut. Maybe he should have taken the day off.

When someone dies you take off time to grieve. A divorce is the death of your marriage and taking a few days off to emotionally recover is a good idea. A broken heart is a good excuse to use a few sick days. Just make sure to spend the time off doing something that helps you heal, like talking to a therapist or a good friend, getting a massage or a pedicure or just staying in bed for a few days and crying your eyes out, releasing all of that pent up emotion you feel inside.

Discover the secrets to a successful divorce for women....

ON CHESIL BEACH

I have just finished reading “On Chesil Beach” by Ian McEwan. It is a beautifully crafted book, with an ending I had not anticipated and at only 160 pages it is relatively short (the key to a successful book according to one of my colleagues who, I suspect, dislikes reading).

The downfall of the two protagonists lies in their inability to communicate, something they appear to regret indefinitely. An ability to communicate effectively lies at the heart of every good relationship and frequently an inability or reticence to speak up can destroy a marriage. Burying heads in the sand and suppressing feelings never resolves conflicts and eventually in anger or frustration the whole relationship can shatter, sometimes on the back of an almighty argument but other times with an enormous sulk.

On Chesil Beach, Edward and Florence fail to support and reassure each other. They fail at what they most want to achieve. Their self –pride injured, hurting and in pain, they each accuse, goad and humiliate the other. They become trapped in a dialogue over which they have no control and, responding in anger, automatically play the parts of sparring partners. Losing all self control they utter words they cannot help but which they regret forever.

Yes Florence apologises, but only as she turns and lingers before moving on. Edward fails to seize the opportunity to forgive, to support, to reassure. Pride intervenes and the opportunity to make amends or resolve the situation is lost.

Young, immature, and innocent, they are unable to respond effectively to the other or communicate their feelings. What exists between them is destroyed as a result and yet it need not have been that way, indeed it ought not to have been so.

In fiction reality is suspended. McEwan is a master of his art and even a seasoned divorce lawyer like myself didn’t foresee the devastation.

Deadbeat Dad Runs For Office

I could not believe this story when I read that a Chicago man, who allegedly owes more than $82,000 in back child support, is running as a candidate
for Ward 47 Republican Committeeman in Chicago.

Gary Karlin disappeared 14 years ago, abandoning his young daughter. His ex-wife has been trying to locate him ever since. Imagine her shock when she googled his name and found him running for office as a "conservative".

This man should be arrested and barred from running for public office. How can someone who has broken the law expect to represent the people of his state? How sad for his daughter, now 16 years old, to see the father who has neglected and ignored her, make a mockery of the judicial system.

You have to wonder what someone like this is thinking. Recently, another deadbeat decided to protest his favorite's sports teams losing streak by camping out on the roof of a local bar and vowing not to come down until his team won. He basked in the media attention and was featured on TV. To his suprise, his ex-wife recoginzed him and reported him to the police. He was escorted off of the roof and arrested.

There needs to be tougher laws to catch these deadbeats who slip through the cracks and are allowed to amass tens of thousands of dollars in back support. Unfortunately, it is very difficult for a custodial parent to locate a parent who uses sneaky tactics to avoid paying support. These parents have no assets in their names, no bank accounts to seize and no wages to garnish. They stay one step ahead of the law, that is until their ego gets the best of them and they do something stupid like run for public office or go on television. More resources need to be allotted to investigating and apprehending these deadbeats.

THE PARETO PRINCIPLE

I’m a great believer in the Pareto principle, you know the 80:20 rule, whereby 80% of effects are attributable to 20% of causes and which can be extended to apply to day to day activities. So I admit that I wear 20% of my wardrobe (the boring black suits and white blouses) 80% of the time; 80% of the dictation that I do at work is undertaken in 20% of my time in the office; 80% of the really enjoyable things that I do in my life (excluding arranging divorces for people) is done in 20% of my waking hours.

The principle operates in marriage breakdown too. So it is said that whilst 20% of married men kiss their wife goodbye as they leave the house in their car, 80% of divorced men have kissed their house and car goodbye.

This, come to think of it, explains why last week a client told me that hurricanes are named after women because they breeze in, grow wild, and then they move on, taking both the house and car.

Using Humor To Heal During Divorce...

Sometimes when you are going through a tough time, you can use a good laugh. Divorce is one of those times when you can use all of the humor you can get. Divorce is not a funny issue, yet we can still find humorous moments.

We need to keep our spirits lifted and have faith that although we may be going through one of the most difficult times of our lives, life will get better. Using laughter and humor can be therapeutic. When are at your lowest, go out and rent a funny movie or get together with your girlfriends for a girl's night out and share some laughs. Try to look for the humor in your daily life. Kids say the funniest things and pets have a way of making us smile with their antics. Stay in the moment and enjoy these times when they present themselves. It is often too easy to be focused 24/7 on your divorce without letting your mind take a break.

Here are a few funny jokes I found while searching the web that will cheer you up during a divorce (all of the authors are unknown):

1. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

2. A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager "How much is that new Barbie in the window?" The Manager replied, "Which one? We have 'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95 ....'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95 ....'Barbie goes shopping' for $19.95 ....'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95 ....'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95 ....and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00". "Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95"? Dad asked surprised. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."

3. Yeah, my husband and I just split up. I finally faced the fact that we’re incompatible. I'm a Virgo and he's an asshole."

4. For Sale: wedding dress, size 12.Worn once by mistake

5. She was a great housekeeper, too. When we divorced, she kept the house.