The Devil You Know

A strange phenomena has reared its head in the land of divorce. I have heard this before but this week for some reason it has shown itself a few times. The client who feels their lives are better staying married rather than divorcing. Now, I am not speaking about an "intact" family where all parties live under the same roof, but rather the couple who has already physically separated, live their own lives, but for the fact that they share a "piece of paper" as they call it which declares them to be legally wed. These couples stay for years in this existence, presumably for the welfare of the children, though I can't for the life of me see what value this has other than to set a stage for confusion. As I said to one women yesterday, it is like your daughter telling you she is dating a married man, but that they really aren't married because they do their own thing like you and Dad. The client sat up straight in her chair and said she would kill her daughter if that ever happened, and maybe at that moment realized the hypocrisy of the life she was leading. Divorce is not like fine wine, it doesn't get better with time. There is no "good" time to divorce. Ideally of course the younger the children the less trauma to them emotionally, however, waiting until they are older and out of the house doesn't make it easier. Now there are more assets, more debt much more to argue about and to split up. I guess realistically it all comes down to the devil you know versus the devil you don't know. Everyone is nervous about change and one's future is never guaranteed. How many times have I heard from those going through difficult divorces, that they should have just kept their mouths shut and stayed married. In the end, most people are happy with the result and thrilled to move on with their lives, but the process can really be grueling. One thing I must insist upon again is counselling. I find it difficult to believe that a person is counselling cannot make a healthy decision about leaving their spouse. After all a spouse who lives in their own home and dates other people and basically lives their own life without the rest of the family is not a spouse at all.