Super Bowl Hangover

Well it's been about one month since the hometown Colts defeated the Bears in the "big game", and people here in Indy still act like it was just yesterday. It's nice to see that people still have their car window Colts flags on, still wearing plenty of blue shirts & coats, businesses still have offices decorated, and there is still a HUGE "Go Colts" banner hanging in front of a nice Meridian-Kessler house. I'm not sure if people are just lazy or what. Since this whole "winning a professional championship" thing is new to the fine people of Indianapolis, I honestly think they just don't know what the standard operating procedures are for these decorations. Of course, there is the polar extreme--like my boss--who felt the need to take down all of the Colts decorations in our office on the day immediately following the Super Bowl. What a drag. Why not just wait until the end of the week? We told her it was too soon, so she just started doing it herself on that Wed. Of course, none of us offered to help her. There were a couple things that were high up & she could not reach so we finally had to help out otherwise it would have looked really lame to have 2 blue paper footballs hanging from the ceiling. Like she couldn't find anything more productive to do on a Wednesday afternoon. What a f**king joke. Anyway, I think there is a happy medium somewhere in between.

Here's my theory: If you LOSE the big game, you remove all decorations the next day--no questions asked. You don't wear any of the losing team's apparel for 2 months. It avoids reminding fans of their big loss until they have hopefully accepted it. But if you WIN, you keep the decorations up for a couple weeks--it will remind people of something great & will hopefully put them into a better mood than they already are in. You wear your gear at least once a week for the same reason.

Like I said, it's been almost a month now, the snow is slowly melting here in Indy, so it's time to take down the decorations. It's time to run your car through the car wash to rinse off the winter salt & grime layer, so it's time to also remove those car window flags. Put those flags in a safe place & bring them back out in September. Don't wait until playoff time to put it back on your car again--it makes you look like a fair-weather fan. And most importantly, start cutting back on the days you wear the Colts gear. All the blue stuff will be faded by the time next season kicks off if you keep wearing it all the time. I guess that's good for business at the Pro Shop though!

The Divorce Blame Game

We all begin the divorce process convinced that everything is the other spouse’s fault. All of the pain is a direct result of their bad behavior. Your ex is acting in complete disregard for your feelings. If your ex would only behave the divorce would go more smoothly. That you might have a part in this mess doesn’t even occur to you. No, your spouse is to blame. He is one who cheated, lied, and betrayed you. How could you be responsible?But when the dust settles you may start asking yourself some difficult questions. Was it really all your ex’s fault? Was there anything you might have done or not done that could have contributed to this divorce?

This is where it gets tough. No one likes to think that they were responsible in any way for the failure of their marriage. It just has to be your ex’s fault. Don’t you have that long list of sins? How could anyone draw a different conclusion?Chances are that in most ways you are right, and your ex is wrong. Some of his actions might seem unforgivable. So, after all of the stress, heartache, and pain, why bother to accept any blame?If you look inward instead of outward, you will be able to take control. With this power you will emerge from your divorce with greater insight, and valuable lessons for any future relationship.

Only a victim looks at an ex-spouse and says: “Because of you I do not trust anyone. Because of you my life is empty. Because of you I am in pain.” In doing that, the victim gives her ex-husband a controlling power over her behavior. You are making your ex responsible for your life. In saying: “It’s not my fault,” you are holding yourself back from the hard work of recovery. The longer you harbor this victim mentality, the longer you will deny yourself a chance at the life you deserve to live.Don’t hide from yourself. Dig deep into the memory of your past actions. Look at them, learn from them, and let them go. Forgive yourself. Until you do that you won’t find forgiveness for anyone. Once you do it you might be pleasantly surprised that the anger you feel for your spouse is diminishing.The willingness to let go of the past, and truly move on to a better place, is the key to peace and happiness.

Christina Rowe is the author of the new book Seven Secrets To A Successful Divorce-What Every Woman Needs To Know . Find out the survival skills that will save you time, money and heartache during your divorce.For a free chapter of the book go to : http://www.secretsofdivorce.com

So a New Employee Walks Into My Office...

My husband says there are times when I need to take that big "S" off my chest and just act like Clark Kent for a while. Ha Ha I say as I tell him the story of a new employee in whose life I am struggling not to interfere. It seems whenever I see a potentially dangerous domestic situation especially for a woman, I get all crazy and feel the need to "educate" her. This unfortunately happens to me regularly and my staff of now well trained matrimonial paralegals struggle with me as well when we hear domestic situations that are ripe for a full blown horrendous legal battle. Our poor new employee, whom I don't think even knows I have a blog yet, so I feel ok writing about her, is a lovely sharp young woman. She just had a baby about 8 months ago and until yesterday had been referring to her live in boyfriend as her "fiance." Yesterday, now that she is becoming more comfortable with us, she confided that he really wasn't her fiance, in that although he had previously asked her to marry him, due to the horrible divorce he was still in the process of completing he had advised her that he in fact did not want to get remarried. Of course this prompted me to ask a few questions about the house she claimed "they" recently bought. Well, she said, it is in his name because of credit problems she had. I did not ask how much money she put into the purchase in that she proceeded to say that he pays for "everything" with the exception of her car and car insurances and "things for the baby." This guy even does the food shopping. They have been together for 8 years and at that point I asked if I could play devil's advocate and ask one other question. I asked her what would happened if one day he asked her to leave? She very quickly advised that she would leave in a heartbeat since she considered the house his and would take "her" child and be just fine. Yup. I and the rest of the staff shook out heads as we confirmed that our newbie did not have an order of custody. At this point I excused myself, seeing the warning looks of my staff all around me and decided that I really did need to rip the "S" off of my chest right at that moment. Newbie seemed a little panicked as I left the room but I decided her third day in our employment was way too early to meddle any more in her life. All I said as I departed was that she should keep her eyes and ears open in the office and that she should learn from the mistakes we see all day, every day. As my husband reminds me...dear, it is exhausting trying to save the world....Yes, it is...

So a New Employee Walks Into My Office...

My husband says there are times when I need to take that big "S" off my chest and just act like Clark Kent for a while. Ha Ha I say as I tell him the story of a new employee in whose life I am struggling not to interfere. It seems whenever I see a potentially dangerous domestic situation especially for a woman, I get all crazy and feel the need to "educate" her. This unfortunately happens to me regularly and my staff of now well trained matrimonial paralegals struggle with me as well when we hear domestic situations that are ripe for a full blown horrendous legal battle. Our poor new employee, whom I don't think even knows I have a blog yet, so I feel ok writing about her, is a lovely sharp young woman. She just had a baby about 8 months ago and until yesterday had been referring to her live in boyfriend as her "fiance." Yesterday, now that she is becoming more comfortable with us, she confided that he really wasn't her fiance, in that although he had previously asked her to marry him, due to the horrible divorce he was still in the process of completing he had advised her that he in fact did not want to get remarried. Of course this prompted me to ask a few questions about the house she claimed "they" recently bought. Well, she said, it is in his name because of credit problems she had. I did not ask how much money she put into the purchase in that she proceeded to say that he pays for "everything" with the exception of her car and car insurances and "things for the baby." This guy even does the food shopping. They have been together for 8 years and at that point I asked if I could play devil's advocate and ask one other question. I asked her what would happened if one day he asked her to leave? She very quickly advised that she would leave in a heartbeat since she considered the house his and would take "her" child and be just fine. Yup. I and the rest of the staff shook out heads as we confirmed that our newbie did not have an order of custody. At this point I excused myself, seeing the warning looks of my staff all around me and decided that I really did need to rip the "S" off of my chest right at that moment. Newbie seemed a little panicked as I left the room but I decided her third day in our employment was way too early to meddle any more in her life. All I said as I departed was that she should keep her eyes and ears open in the office and that she should learn from the mistakes we see all day, every day. As my husband reminds me...dear, it is exhausting trying to save the world....Yes, it is...

How To Deal With Your Ex-Husband’s New Girlfriend

Many of us find a new mate immediately after divorce. Your ex-husband may be one of them. This can be hard on you emotionally. My own ex took no break whatsoever. His relationship was the cause of our breakup. She moved in with him two months after he left my home. She left him after little more than a year. I was elated.Her departure was satisfying on several levels. My feelings stemmed from my own hurt, and they also came from the disruption and pain she’d brought to my children’s lives. But I admit that revenge was a factor. I liked the feeling that my ex was finally getting his comeuppance. Now he would feel the sting of rejection. I wanted him to suffer this. I had good reason. He had thrown out 13 years of marriage, and I wanted him to pay for it.His girlfriend had been a painful reminder of all that, and I couldn’t help but feel relief that her life no longer intersected with mine or my children’s.But these feelings of relief and satisfaction were quickly tempered by the fact that he soon found another girlfriend. I decided that any woman was better than the last, but still I wondered, how could anyone want to date a broke, often-unemployed, overweight, balding man?His new girlfriend was only 24, 14 years younger than he was. She seemed nice enough, but deep down it still bothered me that he was happy. Despite all the books I had read on spirituality, forgiveness, and love, I still felt rage.Try as I might, I couldn’t understand these feelings. I no longer had any physical attraction to this man. I didn’t even like him. Why would I care? The real reason was that I wanted him to suffer for what he had done to me.It is normal to have confusing feelings long after the divorce is final. An ex’s new partner can stir hostility whenever she comes in contact with your children. This is inevitable. Your life has been turned upside down. The familiar and routine are changed forever. Even if your marriage was filled with anger, it was still the life you knew. Some inmates find security in a prison cell. Marriage can be the same.With divorce new people enter your life, some not by choice. You must find a way to deal with your ex’s new love. This is difficult if you are not currently in a relationship yourself. Why him, but not me? You ask over and over.You feel you are a good person, and you deserve love. You feel as if your ex deserves loneliness and pain. Stop taking it personally. The right person will show up. Though it may not seem so now, he will arrive at exactly the right moment. Be cautious. Look before you leap. There’s no need to risk repeating a painful experience. Take your ex’s success as an omen. You know that if it can happen to him quickly, you too will find love. If his new love proves fleeting, don’t rejoice or worry about it. The longer you wait the better chance you have for a truly lasting love.Don’t jump into something just to prove yourself. This is not a competition. This is a serious search for a love that will last a lifetime. You do not need to suffer again.That doesn’t mean you should ignore your negative emotions. Release them. Talk to a friend or therapist. Punch a pillow. Wait until you are alone, then call your ex every dirty name in the book. Shout it and scream it. Let all of it go. Let go of all of the pain, hurt, and betrayal. The process may take months, or even years, but you will feel better in time.That special someone will come, and your divorce will fade into memory. You will no longer harbor hateful feelings toward your ex. You will come to accept your ex for who he is and wish him well.

Christina Rowe is the author of the new book "Seven Secrets To A Successful Divorce-What Every Woman Needs To Know". Find out the survival skills that will save you time, money and heartache during your divorce.

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The Writ of Habeas Corpus

One of the most powerful tools of the law is the Writ of Habeas Corpus. Attorneys are cautioned regularly by judges not to abuse this particular tool, but I have seen it over and over again abused by attorneys in visitation cases, where their client feels they arent' seeing their children enough. The real reason to use a writ is when one party has secreted or taken the child or children from the other parent and refuses that parent access.

Such is the case I have before me today. It is really tough sometimes representing what I refer to as the "Good Guy." The "Good Guy" (either male or female) usually follows all the rules and listens to his/her attorney. Sometimes though you really need him(or her) to follow her gut. Chances are the "Good Guy is not married to another "Good Guy" therefore, there is always someone not following the rules. Sometimes, just sometimes I would like it to be my client.

Being a "good guy" can make it harder and certainly more expensive to get a case off the ground. Most times a writ can be avoided if my client can already maintain control over the situation and have the children with him/her we can ask for a simple order of temporary custody. The Writ involves a hearing before custody will normally be issued, even temporarily and involves a court appearances and perhaps a full day lost if the opposing party fails to show up. Then a bench warrant will need to be issued and an exparte application turns into a week long process.

Ok, so a Writ is issued; everyone appears before the judge to tell their story. I request interim orders and tests to establish my "good guy" status and the judge listens to our stories. Chances are with the new laws out the other side is awarded a legal aide attorney( which entitles a non monied spouse to legal aide in a custody battle). Depending on the judge we will probably be asked to wait around a while...justice takes its time.

Let's hope the child in question is being looked after by someone responsible in the meantime.....

The Writ of Habeas Corpus

One of the most powerful tools of the law is the Writ of Habeas Corpus. Attorneys are cautioned regularly by judges not to abuse this particular tool, but I have seen it over and over again abused by attorneys in visitation cases, where their client feels they arent' seeing their children enough. The real reason to use a writ is when one party has secreted or taken the child or children from the other parent and refuses that parent access.

Such is the case I have before me today. It is really tough sometimes representing what I refer to as the "Good Guy." The "Good Guy" (either male or female) usually follows all the rules and listens to his/her attorney. Sometimes though you really need him(or her) to follow her gut. Chances are the "Good Guy is not married to another "Good Guy" therefore, there is always someone not following the rules. Sometimes, just sometimes I would like it to be my client.

Being a "good guy" can make it harder and certainly more expensive to get a case off the ground. Most times a writ can be avoided if my client can already maintain control over the situation and have the children with him/her we can ask for a simple order of temporary custody. The Writ involves a hearing before custody will normally be issued, even temporarily and involves a court appearances and perhaps a full day lost if the opposing party fails to show up. Then a bench warrant will need to be issued and an exparte application turns into a week long process.

Ok, so a Writ is issued; everyone appears before the judge to tell their story. I request interim orders and tests to establish my "good guy" status and the judge listens to our stories. Chances are with the new laws out the other side is awarded a legal aide attorney( which entitles a non monied spouse to legal aide in a custody battle). Depending on the judge we will probably be asked to wait around a while...justice takes its time.

Let's hope the child in question is being looked after by someone responsible in the meantime.....