The Importance of Educating Our Young Girls
Times are a changing

The older I get and the longer I practice, the more impatient I seem to get with clients who have chosen to be stay at home moms. I don't inherently have a problem with women who make this choice, if they are educated and able to support themselves and their children in the event of a divorce. The problem I have is with women who choose not to education themselves or attain a skill or trade and come into my office basically at their wits end because they feel they have to stay in an abusive marriage because of their inability to earn a living.

I am far more sympathetic to the older women of generations passed who were raised in a different climate and from whose mistakes we of the later generations should have learned. While they were supporting their career driven spouses taking care of the house and the children these women put their educations and careers on the back burner. When their now highly educated husbands choose to have affairs or leave their marriages; these women are faced with the harsh reality of trying to support themselves and or their children on minimum wage earnings and sometimes hard to get child support.

I cannot understand the younger generation of females who feel they do not have to educate themselves and who choose instead to live off their spouses and fall back on the line that "my husband does not want me to work." Stay home if you want but education yourself in the event that staying at home no longer becomes an option. A young woman no more than 35 or 36 entered my office with her pre schooler, the youngest of four children. She had absolutely no education and claimed the most she could get in the the work force was maybe $10 an hour in light of the fact that she had no marketable skills. Her husband was not making fortune but his one income was sufficient to make ends meet on Long Island. When I discussed her child support expectations and the small amount of maintenance she would receive for a short period of time, she seemed both annoyed and defeated which in turn annoyed me. This young lady still had options she chose to ignore, like taking some classes and learning a trade before she thought of divorce. Instead, her view was that of a psedo martyer feeling very put upon and forced to stay in a horrible marriage. I felt no sympathy for this woman. She in fact made me angry enough to write this blog entry.

There should be a course in high school about the simple economics of running a household. Each student should be given a role and budget and asked to run a fictious household on their given salaries. There should be a varied mix of occupations and varying salaries so the students can gage how their peers are faring at the same or similiar tasks. All sudents should be assigned jobs with various salaries and they should all have the oportunity to make large fictious purchases. Perhaps this introduction into real life will cause all the students to realize that being able to support themselves is as important as taking Drivers education.

Nothing is guaranteed in this life, and I think our young women need to be as prepared as we expect our young men to be as they head off into the world.

The Importance of Educating Our Young Girls
Times are a changing

The older I get and the longer I practice, the more impatient I seem to get with clients who have chosen to be stay at home moms. I don't inherently have a problem with women who make this choice, if they are educated and able to support themselves and their children in the event of a divorce. The problem I have is with women who choose not to education themselves or attain a skill or trade and come into my office basically at their wits end because they feel they have to stay in an abusive marriage because of their inability to earn a living.

I am far more sympathetic to the older women of generations passed who were raised in a different climate and from whose mistakes we of the later generations should have learned. While they were supporting their career driven spouses taking care of the house and the children these women put their educations and careers on the back burner. When their now highly educated husbands choose to have affairs or leave their marriages; these women are faced with the harsh reality of trying to support themselves and or their children on minimum wage earnings and sometimes hard to get child support.

I cannot understand the younger generation of females who feel they do not have to educate themselves and who choose instead to live off their spouses and fall back on the line that "my husband does not want me to work." Stay home if you want but education yourself in the event that staying at home no longer becomes an option. A young woman no more than 35 or 36 entered my office with her pre schooler, the youngest of four children. She had absolutely no education and claimed the most she could get in the the work force was maybe $10 an hour in light of the fact that she had no marketable skills. Her husband was not making fortune but his one income was sufficient to make ends meet on Long Island. When I discussed her child support expectations and the small amount of maintenance she would receive for a short period of time, she seemed both annoyed and defeated which in turn annoyed me. This young lady still had options she chose to ignore, like taking some classes and learning a trade before she thought of divorce. Instead, her view was that of a psedo martyer feeling very put upon and forced to stay in a horrible marriage. I felt no sympathy for this woman. She in fact made me angry enough to write this blog entry.

There should be a course in high school about the simple economics of running a household. Each student should be given a role and budget and asked to run a fictious household on their given salaries. There should be a varied mix of occupations and varying salaries so the students can gage how their peers are faring at the same or similiar tasks. All sudents should be assigned jobs with various salaries and they should all have the oportunity to make large fictious purchases. Perhaps this introduction into real life will cause all the students to realize that being able to support themselves is as important as taking Drivers education.

Nothing is guaranteed in this life, and I think our young women need to be as prepared as we expect our young men to be as they head off into the world.

When your Mediator is not an Attorney

A large part of my practice is devoted to mediation. Over the years I have attempted to increase the number of mediation cases I do by trying to steer my potential clients into this direction if possible. Inevitably there is usually an element of anger which accompanies most divorces and for this reason mediation is still not the number one way which couples chooses to end their marriage. This of course is unfortunate but human nature being what it is makes the idea of turning a 30 year marriage into a corporate dissolution is somewhat distasteful to the masses. No matter how much they may want to end the marriage amicably, there is always still a part of these individuals that needs to lash out at their partner for whatever wrongs they feel may have befallen them within the marriage.
Thus only the couples, usually, who have been through extensive therapy either on their own or in couples counseling are ready to mediate to end their marriage. The pain and hurt must be expelled in some forum. The best forum of course is in a counseling session NOT in the mediation room. This brings me to the topic of today: what happens when you mediate with a counselors and not an attorney?

Many non attorneys advertise mediation services for divorce. I find this whole confute rather disturbing. To me a non attorney attempting to mediate a divorce is tantamount to an attorney doing heart surgery. If you think I am being dramatic, let me lay out the perils as I see it:

The mediation process is meant to circumvent the need to litigate a divorce in court. The parties however, come to a binding agreement which effects their rights and the rights of their children for years to come. Non attorneys by law, are not permitted to represent clients in court, just as lay people are not permitted to operate in an operating room without the appropriate training or license. Non attorneys are not trained in the law and as much as they read up on it, unless they are licensed, they may not practice in a courtroom. Why then should they have the right to practice law in their own offices and call it "Mediation"?

A non attorney cannot by law advise clients as to their rights or give legal advice. In this case, how then can a non attorney properly mediate a divorce? They cannot. A non attorney mediation or what should be termed, couples counseling should in fact be the first step in ending the anger between the couple. This session should not produce anything more binding than a mutual agreement to then proceed with legally binding mediation with a trained and licensed professional.

Non attorneys certainly have a place in preparing people to mediate, but they really have no business discussing terms of mediation or the laws which will bind these individuals. Many non attorneys claim to "work with attorneys" to expedite the mediation process. Again I make the arguments that non attorneys have no business making themselves a part of any legal dissolution between the parties. They are not trained to give proper advice nor are they allowed by law to do so. How then may these couples reach an agreement without all of the facts in front of them? The answer is, that they make ill informed decisions by relying on non attorneys who attempt to cover themselves by telling each party to take an already drafted agreement to individual lawyers for their review.
By this time the couple is usually so burnt after what they feel has been fruitful negotiation that they are wary about upsetting the applecart and usually shy away from having the agreement reviewed. What winds up happening is that these poor ill advised souls find themselves with agreements which either are impossible to live up to or are so one sided that down the road they are forced to attempt to over turn them in order to reach a more equitable agreement.
Of course the problem they face is that it is usually difficult to over turn any agreement already signed and sealed without a showing overt onesidedness. This leads to the very litigation they were trying to avoid in the first place.

My advice therefore for couples interested in terminating their marriage: Go to couples therapy or individual therapy first to cleanse yourself of anger and irrational emotion. Then find a good attorney to mediate a divorce agreement which you can enter into with a clear head and full information as to your rights and the rights of your spouse.

When your Mediator is not an Attorney

A large part of my practice is devoted to mediation. Over the years I have attempted to increase the number of mediation cases I do by trying to steer my potential clients into this direction if possible. Inevitably there is usually an element of anger which accompanies most divorces and for this reason mediation is still not the number one way which couples chooses to end their marriage. This of course is unfortunate but human nature being what it is makes the idea of turning a 30 year marriage into a corporate dissolution is somewhat distasteful to the masses. No matter how much they may want to end the marriage amicably, there is always still a part of these individuals that needs to lash out at their partner for whatever wrongs they feel may have befallen them within the marriage.
Thus only the couples, usually, who have been through extensive therapy either on their own or in couples counseling are ready to mediate to end their marriage. The pain and hurt must be expelled in some forum. The best forum of course is in a counseling session NOT in the mediation room. This brings me to the topic of today: what happens when you mediate with a counselors and not an attorney?

Many non attorneys advertise mediation services for divorce. I find this whole confute rather disturbing. To me a non attorney attempting to mediate a divorce is tantamount to an attorney doing heart surgery. If you think I am being dramatic, let me lay out the perils as I see it:

The mediation process is meant to circumvent the need to litigate a divorce in court. The parties however, come to a binding agreement which effects their rights and the rights of their children for years to come. Non attorneys by law, are not permitted to represent clients in court, just as lay people are not permitted to operate in an operating room without the appropriate training or license. Non attorneys are not trained in the law and as much as they read up on it, unless they are licensed, they may not practice in a courtroom. Why then should they have the right to practice law in their own offices and call it "Mediation"?

A non attorney cannot by law advise clients as to their rights or give legal advice. In this case, how then can a non attorney properly mediate a divorce? They cannot. A non attorney mediation or what should be termed, couples counseling should in fact be the first step in ending the anger between the couple. This session should not produce anything more binding than a mutual agreement to then proceed with legally binding mediation with a trained and licensed professional.

Non attorneys certainly have a place in preparing people to mediate, but they really have no business discussing terms of mediation or the laws which will bind these individuals. Many non attorneys claim to "work with attorneys" to expedite the mediation process. Again I make the arguments that non attorneys have no business making themselves a part of any legal dissolution between the parties. They are not trained to give proper advice nor are they allowed by law to do so. How then may these couples reach an agreement without all of the facts in front of them? The answer is, that they make ill informed decisions by relying on non attorneys who attempt to cover themselves by telling each party to take an already drafted agreement to individual lawyers for their review.
By this time the couple is usually so burnt after what they feel has been fruitful negotiation that they are wary about upsetting the applecart and usually shy away from having the agreement reviewed. What winds up happening is that these poor ill advised souls find themselves with agreements which either are impossible to live up to or are so one sided that down the road they are forced to attempt to over turn them in order to reach a more equitable agreement.
Of course the problem they face is that it is usually difficult to over turn any agreement already signed and sealed without a showing overt onesidedness. This leads to the very litigation they were trying to avoid in the first place.

My advice therefore for couples interested in terminating their marriage: Go to couples therapy or individual therapy first to cleanse yourself of anger and irrational emotion. Then find a good attorney to mediate a divorce agreement which you can enter into with a clear head and full information as to your rights and the rights of your spouse.

Are you considering divorce? I’m talking about quiet, sober consideration of a question, not the thoughts that flare up from the heated emotions that come right after an argument. Have you thought through the effects of a divorce, and come to the conclusion that you may want to act? If you have, there are things you should do right away.
If your spouse has already filed before you, then you must act immediately. If not, you should take certain actions quickly, but not carelessly. The things you do now will affect every decision throughout the process, right down to the final decree.
If you have reached the point where divorce is a clear option, and particularly if you are considering an action that shows you mean to separate from your spouse (if you are thinking of leaving, or asking him/her to move out), you should do the following before approaching your spouse:
Seven things you must do before approaching your spouse about divorce
Make copies of your spouse’s pay stubs for the past eight weeks.
Make copies of your joint tax returns for the past five years.
Copy all bank statements and documentation of stock accounts, IRAs, and pension plans.
Make copies of all of your monthly bills over the past three months. These should include mortgage statements, rent payments, utility bills, car payments, insurance premiums, children’s expenses, medical expenses, and credit card statements.
Copy deeds to any properties owned jointly or in your spouse’s name.
Copy documents relating to any investments. These should include stocks, bonds, real estate, and any corporations or businesses owned in any part by you and your spouse.
Make a list of all collectibles, jewelry and other valuables. Photograph or videotape these items. Also list all furnishings and take pictures of these also
This may seem like an overwhelming task, but doing it will ensure that you have all the information ready when you need it most. Once you leave, or if your spouse leaves and takes these records, then you may have to ask your attorney to file a motion to force your spouse to produce them. That would become just another costly hassle down the line. Avoid it. Make copies.
Why do you need all these documents? If divorce proceedings get into a courtroom it means you and your spouse are in a battle. What are at stake are almost certainly income, lifestyle, and assets. You and your spouse are sorting out all of these things in a courtroom, so you need to establish the cost of living and the lifestyle you and your family enjoyed while married. This becomes the baseline the court will use for a settlement. The judge will base decisions about child support and alimony on this information. You must show what your family spends on maintaining a home, food, clothing, transportation, health, education, and any other necessities. In addition you need to clearly establish what your spouse earns or is capable of earning.
If you exit your home empty-handed, or if your spouse walks off with these records, you have no proof. In theory, the Court can force your spouse might produce these records, but only if your spouse is honest in producing the necessary documents, and only at the cost of one more bill from your attorney. That bill will probably come when you can least afford it. And if your spouse swears that the records produced are the only records in existence, you may be stuck with that answer. Once again: Make copies. Give them to a trusted friend or relative before informing your spouse you want a divorce.

From The "You Can't Make This Stuff Up" Category

Posted at 54th & 7th

From The "You Can't Make This Stuff Up" Category

Posted at 54th & 7th

ATTA GIRL!!

Ok, so I was already feeling a little giddy this week with the win of Maria Sharapova in the US Open who eerily resembles my six year old, who is also a tennis player, and who was also born in Russia. Now when I am feeling as my mother says in my "I am Woman" mode I read about a 29 year old who discovered before her wedding about the cheating ways of her husband to be. Instead of continuing with the nuptials this young lady turned the wedding, which of course was non-refundable, into a charity event. I have no idea where Vergennes Vermont is, but there is one heck of a party going on there!
Unlike so many of my clients who would have (and have done so) chosen to continue with the wedding out of embarrassment this woman invited 125 of her closest female friends for drinks and a gourmet four course dinner. In exchange, she and her mother are hoping the guests make donations to the charities they are hosting.
This is the type of thing which makes me proud to be a woman. We as women have the capacity to turn a negative into a positive and splash it about in a big way. Instead of turning into a statistic this brave woman became headline news.
May I take this opportunity to teach to the masses a valuable lesson here? If your soon to be partner cheats on you before the wedding...Chances are pretty good they will continue with that course of conduct and you should see this as a red flag.
Now some may ask the question, does she get to keep the ring? Technically, No. However, if the ring was given for an occasion other than the engagement such as on Christmas or her birthday, it could very well be interpreted that the ring was not given in contemplation of marriage but instead as a gift on an occasion. In this case,however, where the bride and her family expended nonrefundable out of pocket expenses, it would seem to me that the ring should be used to offset and reduce part of his obligation to split the expenses. Chances are the bride or her mother will not seek reimbursement in which case the ring rightly belongs to her.
By the way I never seek the return of the ring, during a divorce proceeding. Frankly I think it is just bad form to ask for a woman's engagement ring, and there are usually enough other marital assets to divvy up. I believe there should be some things off limits. Enough law for one day...
For today..after my manicure and pedicure, I am basking in my womanhood.....

ATTA GIRL!!

Ok, so I was already feeling a little giddy this week with the win of Maria Sharapova in the US Open who eerily resembles my six year old, who is also a tennis player, and who was also born in Russia. Now when I am feeling as my mother says in my "I am Woman" mode I read about a 29 year old who discovered before her wedding about the cheating ways of her husband to be. Instead of continuing with the nuptials this young lady turned the wedding, which of course was non-refundable, into a charity event. I have no idea where Vergennes Vermont is, but there is one heck of a party going on there!
Unlike so many of my clients who would have (and have done so) chosen to continue with the wedding out of embarrassment this woman invited 125 of her closest female friends for drinks and a gourmet four course dinner. In exchange, she and her mother are hoping the guests make donations to the charities they are hosting.
This is the type of thing which makes me proud to be a woman. We as women have the capacity to turn a negative into a positive and splash it about in a big way. Instead of turning into a statistic this brave woman became headline news.
May I take this opportunity to teach to the masses a valuable lesson here? If your soon to be partner cheats on you before the wedding...Chances are pretty good they will continue with that course of conduct and you should see this as a red flag.
Now some may ask the question, does she get to keep the ring? Technically, No. However, if the ring was given for an occasion other than the engagement such as on Christmas or her birthday, it could very well be interpreted that the ring was not given in contemplation of marriage but instead as a gift on an occasion. In this case,however, where the bride and her family expended nonrefundable out of pocket expenses, it would seem to me that the ring should be used to offset and reduce part of his obligation to split the expenses. Chances are the bride or her mother will not seek reimbursement in which case the ring rightly belongs to her.
By the way I never seek the return of the ring, during a divorce proceeding. Frankly I think it is just bad form to ask for a woman's engagement ring, and there are usually enough other marital assets to divvy up. I believe there should be some things off limits. Enough law for one day...
For today..after my manicure and pedicure, I am basking in my womanhood.....

Back to School; New Website; Ugly Business

Welcome back to September! As much as I love the summer, the end of August brings with its cooler breezes the promise of one full day without the constant fighting of bored children.
I am not looking forward to homework, projects and the general nagging associated with back to school, but I am looking forward to more of a routine than the bohemian lifestyle we tend to adopt in the summer months. No more will my children be going to bed AFTER me. No more constant television. No more lounging till noon contemplating my zen!
September brings with it the usual increase in business, another cycle whereby those around us choose to turn over a new leaf. My millionth attempt to start a new exercise regime and to lose the "summer weight."
September also brings a new website which should be up and running as we speak.

My advice to all of my present or future clients. As one non matrimonial attorney just reminded me on the telephone..."This is an ugly business." When there is a disruption in a family, it is always ugly. The extent of the ugliness depends on the parties involved. As for my advice? Be prepared. Know everything about the finances in your marriage, be up to date on all the bills. Make sure you are an involved parent and above all be willing to compromise. If a matter can be mediated as opposed to litigated everyone wins.

Welcome back to all those hibernating for the summer....I for one am ready to hit the ground running...afterall I have less shouting in my ear these days!

Back to School; New Website; Ugly Business

Welcome back to September! As much as I love the summer, the end of August brings with its cooler breezes the promise of one full day without the constant fighting of bored children.
I am not looking forward to homework, projects and the general nagging associated with back to school, but I am looking forward to more of a routine than the bohemian lifestyle we tend to adopt in the summer months. No more will my children be going to bed AFTER me. No more constant television. No more lounging till noon contemplating my zen!
September brings with it the usual increase in business, another cycle whereby those around us choose to turn over a new leaf. My millionth attempt to start a new exercise regime and to lose the "summer weight."
September also brings a new website which should be up and running as we speak.

My advice to all of my present or future clients. As one non matrimonial attorney just reminded me on the telephone..."This is an ugly business." When there is a disruption in a family, it is always ugly. The extent of the ugliness depends on the parties involved. As for my advice? Be prepared. Know everything about the finances in your marriage, be up to date on all the bills. Make sure you are an involved parent and above all be willing to compromise. If a matter can be mediated as opposed to litigated everyone wins.

Welcome back to all those hibernating for the summer....I for one am ready to hit the ground running...afterall I have less shouting in my ear these days!